Humor

So this should put a smile on a few faces. First, I almost ran over an old lady this morning. (No that is not the funny part.) The funny part is what caused it. I’m only a few miles from work so my commute is almost entirely on neighborhood streets. I pull up to a stop sign this morning and I eyeball this total hottie walking across the street. I’m literally straining my neck to turn and watch him saunter away. I’m staring so hard I almost run over an old lady in the cross walk.

I’m totally shocked, flustered, and surprised all at the same time. I flip open my visor and ask if she is ok as I apologize profusely. I didn’t make any contact with her but I’m still freaking out over it. She is fine, she thanks me for my concern and politely tells me to may a little more attention.

As she walks away and I’m about to flip down my helmet visor, she turns and says, “he was pretty good looking though wasn’t he?“

Hangups

We all have them, myself included. That said, I get really tickled at some of my friends hangups at times. My group of friends tends to be very diverse. So it shouldn’t really surprise me their hangups are just as diverse.

I have one friend, who after spending most of his life in service to the military, will be getting out soon. He has developed a laundry lists of do’s and don’ts on the type of guys he can date. If he has sex on the first date, that automatically means he can’t date them. If he meets a guy on a hookup site, he won’t date them. His rule structures are often complex and contradictory. He loves me because I constantly bust his chops over it.

I have another friend who won’t date someone unless they’ve had sex. He insists on it before he’ll even consider dating a guy. He wants to know all your fetishes, desires, etc.

Yet another friend won’t even consider sex w/a guy till the 4th or 5th date.

Another who is in an open LTR but they never discuss it. It is very much like ‘he-who-must-not-be-named’ sort of scenario. lol

These are just a few examples of many I could give. Honestly, to me it seems exhausting trying to sort thru people’s ‘rules’  and ‘requirements.’ This is very true of the online sites as well. Profiles have become a laundry list of must haves, must not haves, must be, must not be, blah blah blah. I care less where or how we met and more about who you are as a person.

I guess I’m odd because I try not to place a bunch of restrictions on guys. [1]But I will admit the few restrictions I do have can be very limiting. My whole no-drugs policy sadly kills a huge percentage of eligible guys for me. I don’t provide a laundry list of requirements. I don’t expect you to know what I want or even to know what my expectations are. I will however, tell you what I want, expect, like, etc.

Sex always seems to be a big issue for gay guys. Be it the one extreme of ‘no sex till we’re in love‘ or the other, ‘sex, sex, sex, and more sex, please.‘ I like to think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m not prudish but I’m not a sex fiend [2]well at least I think I’m not either. I do like sex and it’s important but I don’t start insisting you see things my way about it. I’ve dated guys who wanted monogamy, I’ve dated guys who avoid monogamy. Again, I like to think I’m in the middle I don’t want total monogamy but I also don’t want a free for all. To me, it is a very playful act and I often approach it from that perspective. As a partner, I’d like to know we can be honest with each other about our wants/desires and share our experiences with each other. We share everything else, why not share sexual adventures?

One of my hangups is I think I’m too honest. You don’t have to ask anyone about my dirt. I will straight up tell you. There is no shame in my game and I have no problem admitting things. I also am inclined to trust what people tell me too much. I don’t try to examine it from every possible angle to see if there are any hidden meanings. If you tell me a thing, I’ll believe it until proven otherwise. Sexually, I’ve become much less “flexible” in my positions. I doubt this creates any limitations but I can see it as a hangup.

I approach every meeting with as few expectations as possible beyond you being honest in the representation of yourself. (And you’d be surprised how many fail at just that!) Otherwise, it’s a clean slate. I don’t bend my ideals, philosophies, choices, etc to match yours. I like being me and all that comes with that. If we are truly a good fit, our similarities will merge well and/or our differences will compliment each other. I like to think this gives me an edge. Considering I’m single, one might argue against that. lol But that is ok. My being is a choice not a requirement. And if we do click, I’ll expose my cock and my soul to you, but not necessarily in that order.

References

References
↑1 But I will admit the few restrictions I do have can be very limiting. My whole no-drugs policy sadly kills a huge percentage of eligible guys for me.
↑2 well at least I think I’m not

Belly

Apparently, I have a habit that is a carry over from childhood. lol

While at the movies the other day, a friend and I had to relieve ourselves after the movie. I can’t just unzip. I have to unbuckle, unzip, and basically open the fly to do my business. After said business is done, I tend to hike up my shirt so I can close up shop, so to speak. I was told that my habit of hiking up my shirt to my chest is something only kids do.

Having never though about it, I just laughed and shrugged it off. Well, after pondering on it for awhile, I couldn’t seem to place any other adults doing it the way I did. Who knew? I didn’t know it was not a very adult thing to do. I mean no one has ever commented on it before so how would I? Of course, now I find I’m self-conscious about it. hehehe. I guess I’ll have to be mindful while in public to behave in a manner suiting an adult. hehehe

Child

Someone asked me the other day if I considered Cooper my child. The conversation wasn’t overly serious so this random question took me by surprise in that I didn’t really think about my answer. I just said no. Which surprised both of us. More on my surprise in a moment. The friend followed up with, ‘Hmmm, I would have thought as much love you show him you’d see him that way.‘ Well, I was flattered he could tell I love my dog but I was a little perplexed at the implication that I could only feel the depth of love for a human. And for many that might be a natural assumption but it wasn’t one for me. After I thought a little more about it, I still don’t perceive Cooper as my child. He is more of a companion in my eyes. Do I love him any less? Absolutely not. I love that dog as much as could ever love a child. Just because he isn’t human shouldn’t devalue his worth or my capacity to love him. I know so because I would easily do harm to someone to protect him. I would sooner punch someone over Cooper than anything said person could say to me about myself. That to me is a fine determinant on how much I love my 65lb munchkin.

I guess when I first got Cooper, I did sort of perceive him like a child. I still refer to myself in the 3rd-party as his daddy. In many ways, you might perceive an animal as an eternal child because they always need looking after. So the parent-child aspect can be present but I don’t think it necessarily has to encompass the love we feel for our pets. I can tell you as Cooper and I have bonded and time has passed, I do not see him as a child. He is my friend and companion and I couldn’t love him anymore than if he were human. The latter is the surprise for myself.

I’ve had pets off/on most of my life. I grew up on farm and had tons of animals around me all the time. But until I met Spike when Apple guy and I first got together, I’d never felt the depth of love for an animal before. I loved Spike more than any animal before him and still miss him every day. It broke my heart when we had to put him down. And part of the reason I didn’t want another dog was because I was afraid of betraying the love I had for Spike. Now I see how silly that was but being heartbroken can affect one’s judgment. And I consider myself fortunate Apple guy badgered me into getting another dog. I’ll always love him for bringing Cooper into my life. I don’t mind admitting I love Cooper even more than I loved sweet Spike. It doesn’t mean I love Spike less. I came into Cooper‘s life early on and he is growing up with me. Spike was a full grown adult and already had his bond with Apple guy. Not to say he didn’t love me but it’s just different. Spike will always be the dog that taught me I could love an animal.

And this makes me wonder what changed? Why am I suddenly more capable of loving an animal so strongly whereas before I wasn’t? Was it because I grew up on a farm knowing most of our livestock was food? Did I form detachments to prevent myself from getting hurt when I lost a pet? No, we never ate pets of course, but what is a pet to me might be food to someone else in another country. The separation in our minds is what I’m referring to here. Then I wonder if maybe the misery of my childhood somehow blocked it. Even as a young adult I never loved my pets like I did Spike and now Cooper. My 20’s were about survival for myself. Maybe it was an extension of the block from childhood? When I met Apple guy my life had definitely settled down quite a bit. I’m guessing mostly. I can’t really explain why things shifted. Maybe I just grew up.

Inches

No nothing so dirty, I’m refering to muscle growth. Wait, that still doesn’t sound right. lol Muscle growth as in working out, you dirty-minded hoes.

I measured my arms this week and I’m up to 16.5 inches.  It’s a bit shocking to realize I’m only an inch and half away of my life goal of 18 inches. And while it doesn’t seem like a lot, that’s a good years worth of working out, or more. But, having started at just under 12 inches, I’ve come a long way. [1]Oh yes, I was a scrawny mother f**ker as a kid

In many ways, I know I don’t see myself as objectively as I should. While I know my chest has grown quite a bit since then, it still looks small to me. And while I’m definitely seeing myself more objectively than I ever have, I still struggle with that one muscle. Call it narcissism, being gay, growing up skinny, or all of the above.

And speaking of, I’ve always struggled to feel like I leave the gym with a really good burn on chest day. My larger muscle groups always seem to recover really quickly so making them feel worn out is always a challenge. My new routine this week is nothing but super sets. [2]Two different exercises for the same muscle back to back before taking a rest OMG! I left the gym yesterday feeling like toast! My chest felt totally baked from the workout. I was so happy over something so silly. lol It’s even boosted my mood today significantly.

I look back on my life and how much I’ve grown, in this context physically, and I’m living proof anyone can do it. If a scrawny buck-fifty turd like me can put on almost 50 lbs of muscle in roughly 17 years, anyone can!

Oh and log in.

References

References
↑1 Oh yes, I was a scrawny mother f**ker as a kid
↑2 Two different exercises for the same muscle back to back before taking a rest

Captcha

Because I’m deleting upwards of 2-3 hundred fake user accounts every month now, I’ve installed a new hidden captcha plugin. You as the user should never see it. It doesn’t depend on the traditional method of captcha pictures to solve, which I detest with a passion.

Instead, it uses a rather interesting javascript output and cookie combo that effectively (for the moment) prevents most autobots from registering fake accounts. There are very few people who refuse to use javascript so I don’t forsee this as a problem. However, should you encounter errors, email me.

I also reviewed a lot of comments and feedback on the authors site. None were problems with it’s functionality so I feel comfortable it will not interfere with most of you.

Wish me luck! lol

Consequence

When is the truth no longer the truth? When does manipulation of truth to fit an agenda become deceit? That’s where we seem to be today, here in SF at least. Watching the fallout over many of the recent scandals has been painful at best for me. I’ll admit the resulting vitriol being leveled at each other has really hurt my faith in the community. The fallout has shaken my normally optimistic view of us in general.

From a purely personal POV, it’s been very painful to witness disingenuous tactics and behavior from peers I look up to. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Having never lost a hero or role model, I am still struggling with it. I am saddened to see us so divided and treating each other so horribly. Be it adult actor suicides, the nudity ban, the march to equality, or the Bradley Manning caper, the hate, vitriol, anger, and condescension have all shown a fundamental shift in our ability to express ourselves as well as a renewed since of victimization. We are turning to rule based consequentialism as a moral code; the idea that ethics of the moral right/wrong are based solely on the consequences. (I know, my big word of the day. See, I really do educate myself!)  Said code is often contradictory and ultimately confusing and leads to cognitive dissonance. (I think my little brain has seen this coming because many of my previous posts have delved into different pieces of the overall issue.)

Looking at it from a purely analytical point of view, the behaviors represent a breakdown in our reasoning thru logical consequence. [1]One of the basic tenants of logic Without reason thru logic, there can be no truth. Like religious fundies, we cannot survive a moral code that is dependent on the outcome vs the cause. And to abandon truth and integrity in favor of bias and personal agendas is a recipe for disaster. That is not to say it was unexpected. After being excluded from society, many of us developed our own system of moral codes. It was simply out of a need to cope with being labeled degenerates and abominations and often being outcasts. The problem with moral codes in general is they are often conflictive between individual communities and society as a whole. It’s even more confusing because we’ve developed moral conflicts even when our own community. As previously alluded to in assimilation, there is a part of our community that has embraced their freedoms from the trappings of the mainstream way of life. They’ve adopted a moral code that is much less restrictive than society at large. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that. But now that the LGBTI community as a whole is being slowly accepted into society, those moral conflicts are creating dissention and fear.

Sadly, many on both sides are abandoning truth in favor of rigidly conservative and intolerant thinking. They bristle at the very idea of compromising. Anyone who disagrees is immediately labeled the enemy, and ironically conservative, as well as having only one goal, the sanitization of gay culture. It is dangerous ground though. To continually conflate every varied issue into one overarching idea of oppression only serves to keep us locked in a pattern of self-inflicted victimization. [2]I say our because differences aside, we are still a community IMO  I am somewhat ashamed to see many of said folks have begun to manipulate facts and ‘truth’ based on bias and personal agendas, again much like those who hate us. And the most insidious behavior recently is selling an agenda based on lies laced with a kernel of truth or half truths. A fallacies with enough truth to not only convince you but also invoke an emotional reaction to overwhelm reason thru logical consequence. To me it represents a truly dangerous path that leads to only misery, isolation, and eventually despair for those who take it.

It is my hope that those who fight against the inevitable change, can see that we can coexist. We can move into an era of acceptance and still maintain many of the freedoms we’ve come to love. As previously mentioned, we might lose some of it for a generation, but it will spring back. And lastly, I beg of you, please your case, cause, agenda, desire, etc w/integrity of purpose thru reason of logic and truth. Do not succumb to irrational fears based on selfishness.

As always, hope springs eternal. . .

References

References
↑1 One of the basic tenants of logic
↑2 I say our because differences aside, we are still a community IMO

Model

I’m realizing that I put too much emphasis on the integrity of others while devaluing my own. It became abundantly clear to me recently after being incredibly disappointed by someone I looked up to. It had nothing to do with me and the person could probably care less about my aspirations. He didn’t ask to be my role model so shame on me for putting too much emphasis on it. To be clear, by role model I’m referring to an every day person, not some celebrity or personality.

I grew up with no role models and while I’ve always found people to admire, I’ve never really found anyone I’d considering modeling my behavior after. I guess after finding someone I would model my life after and subsequently being disappointed by said person’s personal agenda, it was a huge let down. Now I think I might understand how a kid might feel when his hero turns out to be a fraud. And maybe on some level I still see it that way. I never had heroes growing up so I’m just now getting a taste of that disappointment. On the surface that must sound profoundly sad. Maybe it’s why I was so upset over it.

Anyway, I digress. Afterwards, I realized I don’t value my own system of morals enough. I think partly because not catering to the whole puritanical restrictions on sex and oh yeah, being gay too. lol Seriously though, I grew up feeling like my brand of integrity and morals weren’t good enough for others because they deviated from the norms. They worked for me, didn’t hurt others and gave me goals to strive for. For a long time that was enough for me. But not anymore.

I’ve struggled most of my adult life to be a better man. And depending on who you ask, I’ve done a pretty good job of getting there. Or at least I think so. And I need to aspire less to be like others and more like the man I am. I am not perfect by no means. And lawd knows I’m an incredibly flawed human being. But I try and that is the point. I’m guilty of having selfish wants/desires. I’m guilty of indulgences on said desires/wants. But I’m also able to distinguish between what is my own agenda/desires and what is right. I admit to myself when something I’m doing is not necessarily in line with my goals. I accept it and work to over come it. Frankly, that objectivity has been a defining feature in my blog for the last 9 or so years. It took me awhile to see it. Having it pointed out to me repeatedly by others over the years has certainly helped me see it more clearly.

As I move beyond my disappointment, I find I no longer have a desire to find new role models. Besides being 42 years old and well into adulthood, I am content with my brand of integrity and morals. And as I move forward, I will aspire to be more the man I want to be and live by example. I no longer need a role model. I am the model and that is just fine with me.

Story

Quick & dirty post at the moment. I love when the spam bots try to tell a half-way believable story as part of their spam comments. It cracks me up reading some of them in my comment queue. Some even do a decent job of telling a story, however bizarre it sounds. Others just throw a bunch of words at you in attempt to fool the filters.

I do ponder the day when they get to the point where they can actually write simplistic but relevant comments! Lawd, we’s all in trouble then! lol

Happy weekend all!

Jig

While some people hide embarrassing moments, I tend not to. And since I wasn’t really embarrassed I guess no worries there either.

So I’m at the gym recently. I was in a bit of a cornball mood so I’m feeling my music. I always work out blasting Spotify or Google music thru my headphones. As sometimes happens, I had to take restroom break. I enter the upstairs restroom enjoying my tunes. One of my fave dance songs came on right at that moment so naturally I start dancing a little jig. Well, in my exuberance I neglected to lock the bathroom door. I’m full swing into  dancing my jig when someone opens the door! It was funny because I think he was actually embarrassed for me! lol He sort of started to apologize then saw my grin and stopped mid attempt. I shrugged it off and politely asked if I could finish my business. He obliged. I finished what I went in there for and continued with my workout.

It gets better. He happens to be next to me a little later working out. He sees me grinning like a devil so feels ok to chat about it. He proceeds to ask me why I wasn’t embarrassed. Feeling a bit cocky,  my first crooked thought was to say, “have you seen this?” and point to myself. Even for me that would have been over the top and really not my style so I quickly discarded the idea. Instead, I just explained I wasn’t doing anything wrong or bad so why feel embarrassed? I was dancing a jig and enjoying myself. He laughed w/me and we split ways to finish our respective workouts.

After I thought about it, I figured most folks would have been completely embarrassed in such an unexpected interruption to what was intended to be a private moment. I laughed at the humor of it. I’m just nuts like that I guess.