Throwback

There’s been this Throwback Thursday going around FB lately. They probably stole it

Cheesy me
Cheesy me

from twitter but whatever. lol Basically, you post a pic of yourself at various points in your past. I posted the one you see here recently. It is my from my late 20’s around 28/29. It was a couple years before I moved to SF.

I bring it up because of all the commentors were amazed at the differences between then and now. lol Ironically, the biggest changes have been within and cannot be seen. Those changes are much more significant and meaningful to me. That said, the pic represents a time when I was beginning to settle into a stable life. While things weren’t easy, I had a consistent roof over my head, food in my belly, and a stable job. All of which weren’t necessary a guarantee up until that point.

I was still lost and confused in many ways. I hadn’t yet had time to figure who and what I was or what I wanted to be ‘when I grew up.’ I was incredibly insecure still and had no clue about the real influence I could have had on others. lol Youth truly is wasted on the young.

Crash

A reader asked if I’d be willing to blog about the recent plane crash at SFO since I work in a field related to the incident. Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can add. I was off that day so I had no direct involvement. Being a critical incident, I did check in with work, as required, to make sure I wasn’t being called in. Beyond that, I was not much involved. SFO has it’s own police/fire support systems. SF, as a city, does/will send resources as needed/requested but we would not be the lead in this scenario. The incident itself falls to the Feds so we wouldn’t even do primary investigations.

*

An emergency worker can go a lifetime w/o something of this magnitude happening. Even those of us trained to deal with day to day emergencies take pause for things like this. Thankfully, it was not a catastrophic event. The fact it turned out to be minor (in loss of life) was a huge stroke of luck and relief. Not to belittle the lives that were lost, but it could have been so much worse.

There are a variety of things that kick into action when events like this happen. Mass casualty Incidents (MCI’s) can quickly overwhelm local resources. Cali along with most states now work within the IC (Incident Command) system, which is meant to unify and standardize logistics, resource allocation, patient care, after incident care, etc. It and systems like it create a framework of response and resources to quickly be coordinated in a very meaningful and useful way.

Inquire

I got a lot of inquires after my smitten post. I’m glad so many of you are eager to see my love life improve. hehehe It is still very new and I’m not a lesbian so don’t expect wedding bells anytime soon. But we are enjoying where things are headed.

Some of the guesses were cray-cray. Everything from Apple guy to my roomie got thrown in a as guess. lol Someone even asked if I was reuniting with my old roomie that moved to NY. The latter packs a huge amount of irony. I’m sure we’ll come clean soon. We aren’t hiding it as much as just being cautious. It seems we are almost to a point of throwing caution to the wind and just seeing how things. go. Anyway, if you follow me on Facebook, you’ve already seen who it is as he recently updated our status.

On a somewhat related tangent, I had a regular “buddy” get very upset with me over the revelation. Apparently, he had designs on me and was more than a little miffed. I could only explain I didn’t feel that way about him but it didn’t really seem to help. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m sure he’ll come around but honestly, not my issue. I’ve always been honest/upfront with him about things.

The connection that the pup (my nickname for him) and I have is interesting. He seems to ‘get’ me in ways I’m not really accustomed to. Without explaining to him, he just seems to understand and even appreciate my view on many things. It is quite refreshing.

On the flip side, I think I’m the first guy he’s ever been connected to who hasn’t put a bunch of restrictions or controls on him. I have no desire to mold him in an image I want, nor am I trying to limit him out of fear. He is his own man and I respect and accept that. If things are to ever get serious between us it would have to be because it was right and it worked, not because he conformed to my way of things or I his. I don’t want a clone or a servant, I want an equal with his own mind. Now his being slightly more submissive in certain ways certainly turns my crank but that is a story for another day!

I told myself after Apple guy no more LTR’s unless I’m 100% sure it is for life. Granted no one could ever be really sure of such a thing, but I’ll be damned if I put myself thru another LTR that ends within 5 years. Nor am I sticking with it out some left over childish need to validate previously conquered inner-demons. Of course, if I had stuck to my own axioms regarding LTRs, the last one would have never happened. So in some ways, I have only myself to blame for it’s colossal failure.

I can’t say for sure where this is headed. Even if it turns out to be dud on the LTR front, I hope to continue being his friend. We’ve both promised each other that we will both work to maintain a friendship if we decide an LTR is not to our mutual benefit. Regardless of our status, he is special to me and I’d like to keep that.

Hope springs eternal…

Commentors

Ok, if you’re gonna leave a somewhat relevant comment on my site but then try to sneak in a spam link, you’ll still get the hammer. Recently, some of the banned comments have been very creative. They fit the topic almost perfectly or are relevant enough to be useful but then the links are to commercial or spam sites. That is an absolute no-no and will get you banned permanently if you keep it up.

Since it is coming from various accounts, I do not assume it to be a legit mistake but to be fair, you’ve been warned.  Mmmmm-kay?

Punch

I had a few bizarre episodes lately where people thought it was ok to inappropriately touch me or expose themselves in public. *Coworkers – uh um….TMI for you, read at your peril.*

One was back over before Pride. I’d gone to a friend/coworkers pool party. Being in Martinez and there was most definitely drinking involved, I opted to take BART vs riding my motorcycle. And naturally plenty of ‘drunks’ occured. On the way home I apparently forgot about the “last car” rule on BART. [1]Shortly afer moving to SF, I discovered the last car on BART is often open to ‘shinanigans.’  Being in my somewhat inebrieated state, I’m relaxing in my exuberence when I notice the guy in the seat directly across from me touching himself. And not just a little, he was going at it.

At this point, two things are working in his favor. One, I’m obviously drunk and two, I’m obviously drunk. And I know what you’re thinking, but no, nothing untoward happened on my part. lol I did however watch in a rather unfocused fascination as he finished his manual labors, which did not take long. I promptly giggled and then rolled back over and rejoined my previous half-sleep delirum. Later I almost thought I dreamed it till I ran into him and he made some overt attempts to engage me. This episode didn’t end poorly as it was more of just an experience. Sadly, the next two did.

About a month ago. I was walking thru the hood mid day doing errands. This youngish kid comes stumbling out of Sadlands with an older girl in tow. He was sort of on my awareness but didn’t give it much thought. That is until he promptly reaches up and grabs my nipple. Then he had my complete attention as I whirled around and confronted him. The ONLY reason he didn’t get punched was because I immediately noticed his age and drunkiness. Had he been neither I think I would have actually decked him right in the nose. I was furious. That restraint; however, did not stop me from cussing his ass out and telling his rather snotty friend to shut her pie hole before I did. The part that infuriated me the most was when I realized what he was doing, I shrugged him off and he tried again! Keep in mind, this is mid day and I’m not leaving the bar with him. I’m not standing around outside cruising. I’m some random guy walking down the street with my dog doing my thing. I’ll be the first to admit I can be incredibly incorrigible and not the least bit shy. But I also know that unwanted touching is considered an assualt in all 50 states. Had I given this guy any eye contact or the remotest idea I was into him this story would have gone much differently. Having only registered him on my radar in passing and then have him brazenly try to grab me twice was not acceptable. Was I worried he’d harm me? No, of course not. I was twice his size. It was the blatant disrespect and lack of contriteness that set me off. So anyway, I think he will think twice next time before attempting to fondle a random stranger. On a funny side note, I have never seen Cooper be aggressive. And while not aggressive this day he clearly knew something was up. All the jovial antics to get attention went out of him. He made no moves or growls but his body went into a locked rigid position and he was ‘eagerly’ focused on the guy. For a dog this is a clear sign of agitation. It is very unwise to try and touch a unknown dog when it is giving off such body language. Anyway, I’m curious if he would have done anything had the situation escalated. Since he did not growl or move he didn’t get scolded but it did make me aware my lovable pup can be defensive. Something to this point, I thought impossible. Even when other dogs are aggressive, Cooper usually just shrugs it off.

The last episode was a couple weeks ago. Apparently, a local guy who’d seen my ‘social’ profiles decided it was ok to walk up and start touching me. Literally, he walks up to the side and just behind me and starts playing with my butt. And not in a ‘hey how are you‘ sort of touch either. lol And again, in the right situation and the right cues, I’d could just as easily do the same thing. But this was none of that. I’ve never seen this guy in my life. We’ve never interacted directly. Once again I confronted said person with a few choice words peppereed with a few colorful words. And his response was the real surprise. He said he thought it was ok because he’d seen me on a couple of ‘sites.’ And of course my response was, “and how the hell does that in anyway translate into you sexually assualting me in public?’ Now that I had his undivided attention he begun to realize his behavior was over the line. Short of my profile having some sort of declaration that said behavior was expected or encouraged, it is not ok and I said as much. Just because you saw me online doesn’t equate to you assaulting me in public. He was miffed and more than a little embarrassed because I was not quite in my admonishments but I think he got the picture. He also ruined the chance to make a friend because of his behavior, which from the gist of his statements indicated that was his intent.

It wasn’t that I personally felt violated or in danger from either of these guys [2]even though others might have, it was the absolute lack of respect and assuption of familiarity that upset me. I’m not a stand-offish person either. I like physical contact. But that contact needs to be appropriate and/or warranted. Any behavior that encourages it like flirting, eye contact, conversation; anything that would have shown a two way interaction and acceptance of physical contact is perfectly fine. But to assume you can touch or grab someone in a non-sexual situation is liable to get you one punched or two arrested.

The moral of the story boys and girls? Look, don’t touch until the offer to touch has been expressed. Otherwise, the outcome might not be pleasant.

References

References
1 Shortly afer moving to SF, I discovered the last car on BART is often open to ‘shinanigans.’
2 even though others might have

A-Crowd

Someone asked me in earnest the other day what it was like to be part of the “A-Crowd.” I was sort of tickled but had to let them down that one, no such thing exists and two, people who think they are in the A-crowd have bigger issues than I care to list. And it isn’t the first time I’ve encountered such a question. I had planned to do a long-winded rant months ago but ended up not getting to it. One has to only look at the horribly done reality show literally called A-Crowd to see an example of overgeneralized over-exaggerated ideology gone wrong. I would never in my life to aspire to such. [1]yes bitches I realize it was sensationalized for TV but the point still stands.

I am soooo far removed from any sort of A-crowd, even if it did exist. lol My life isn’t that glamorous. I work, sleep, love on my dog, hit the gym, get into trouble as often as I can, and then repeat. That is my exciting life in an nut-shell. I prefer to spend most of my free time with myself and/or Cooper. I engage with my friends of course, but I am not out every weekend or even every other weekend. I don’t do much (human) charity work these days so I don’t even have that exposure. lol I do think there are incorrigible parts of my personality that give rise to certain situations but that hardly makes me anything ‘upper.’

I’m surprised anyone would think I’m anything A-crowd but considering my inability to recognize I can also be intimidating, I guess shouldn’t be. [2]I’m still struggling with the latter.  The perception of A-crowd boils down to the have and have nots. You have what I want or like therefore you must be “A-crowd” or “in” and I’m not. Not a healthy association and one I, thankfully, rooted out of my id years ago. Seriously, don’t think like that, it isn’t healthy. At the end of the day, the opinion that matters most is your own. Focus more on being the person you really want to be and loving yourself and less on the perception that someone might be on a different level than you. And therein may lie the rub for some. They envy or want things that others have but aren’t willing to invest the time or energy into it. In the end, we are all humans. We all bleed. We all die. All of that other nonsense means nothing.

Even my blog doesn’t come close to being prime material. That comment whore brettcajun probably gets more traffic than I do. While I do have a dedicated, and much appreciated, following of readers please don’t ever think for one moment I consider myself better than anyone else. I am not perfect, I struggle and sometimes I fall. That just makes me human, just like you.

And as someone who discovered it the hard long drawn out way, the confidence within that comes from being contented with yourself, can be very alluring to others.

References

References
1 yes bitches I realize it was sensationalized for TV but the point still stands.
2 I’m still struggling with the latter.

Smitten

It was bound to happen. I’ve become smitten with someone. Naturally, he doesn’t live here. I never seem to find a guy local. Why the hell is that?

Anyway, it is still very new and developing and we both recognize the limitations of our situation. We are enjoying it for what it is and seeing what the future holds. No, I’m not in an LTR or even off the market. No, he isn’t moving here. And no, I am not moving there. Seems futile doesn’t it? Well, I don’t see it that way. There are different types of bonds and I don’t necessarily have to be with him to have a bond. We both recognize that while we have a good set of compatibilities, we don’t yet have enough working knowledge of the other, so to speak. That said, I’m a big believer in not trying to make something fit a label.

It’s been ongoing for a few months and I’ve enjoyed it. I realized over Pride weekend my feelings had taken a stronger turn. If you can believe it, I was jealous. Yeah, you read it right. Me, of all people, was actually jealous. hehehe And to my own credit, it had nothing to do with sex. [1]Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous!  No, it was intimacy. Ok, that’s not even exactly true. It was my fear of him sharing intimacy with someone else. (The intimacy never happened btw) In the end, I needn’t and shouldn’t have been jealous. But it sure as hell surprised me to discover 1) I was jealous, 2) that I cared enough to be jealous.

I shared it with him after I dealt with it myself. Once I realized what was happening, I stepped back to examine the why. I could never have done that w/o 9 years of blogging btw. I put my emotions in check and moved past the silliness. He and I laughed it off over a good heartfelt and open conversation. The conversation itself actually strengthened how I see him.

So now where does that leave us? My best answer is I don’t know. We are still pursuing the connection.  As to my jealousy, it was odd that I got angry.  I was actually angry and then a little hurt.  Finally, it dawned on my dense ass that I was jealous. This made for an interesting back and forth internal conversation to say the least. lol One side of me was genuinely jealous, another side was chastising me for being jealous, and yet another side was over it all and simply clamped down on it till he and I could talk. [2]Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol  In the end, he is not mine and I have no reason to be jealous even if the idea did chap my ass. The fact that nothing happened isn’t really the point at all. What a wasted emotion jealousy is. I’m not overly proud that I’m still capable of it.

In a complete side rant, we’ve given each other nicknames. I’m big on nicknames, always have been. I’ve figured out I get it from my dad. He always gave people that he cared about nicknames. It wasn’t something I was consciously aware of until recent years. It’s also probably why I’ve never encouraged people to call my by my real name. It’s rather formal from my perspective. Anyway, I’ve started calling him my pup. Don’t go getting mental over it. I see him not as a possession or property but simply someone close to me that I care and look out for. He, in turn, has given me the nickname big dog. A name I immediately liked even though I’m not quite sure why yet. He says I don’t quite make the ‘daddy‘ title because our ages are too close. hehehe

He is coming up for Dore and it promises to be an informative (and hopefully very fun) weekend! lol It will be a test of sorts. He and I plan to get into more than a little trouble together and see how we do.

Wish me luck?

References

References
1 Come on, you fuckers should all know by now sex does not make me jealous!
2 Don’t you dare call my Cybil! lol

Review

Let’s look at the week in review shall we?

Woke up an equal citizen, liked it.

Forked over a grand for the cruise, sort of liked it.

Got an offer to do porn, declined (again).

Smashed my finger at the gym, ouch!

Got an offer to do a porn star, accepted.

Got blurry vision at work, annoyed.

Said the L-word repeatedly, to Cooper.

Finished 3 projects at work, none of which were due.

Told I was going to hell, replied – I’m earning my ticket.

Cut up 6 old shirts into gym shirts, yay!

I’m 3lbs away from breaking 200 lbs again, very excited.

and…

Discovered dog vomit dries into a crispy stinky mass, not pleasant.

*

How was your week?

Dong

Ding dong Prop 8 and DOMA (parts at least) are dead! lol It is high time too. Courtesy of the rulings, ss-couples can now not only be recognized at the state level but also the federal level. This is truly historic times for us.

To wake up and feel like an equal citizen for the first time [1]Ok. 2nd time. The first time was when California ruled we could get married before Prop 8 is amazing. And unlike before Prop 8, there is a sense of finality to the issue. There will be no more Prop 8s. We’ve gained recognition at a whole new level and I couldn’t be happier. To feel recognized and accepted under the law is just unbelievable. In a way, it is almost anti-climactic.

Of course, the fight is not over. We still have equal rights for our Trans brethren and we still have a slew of states that don’t yet recognize gay marriage and/or bar it completely. The latter is only a matter of time. If you read the DOMA ruling, the justices pretty much set it up. The bias and basis for these laws is based only on discrimination and ignorant religious dogma. As new cases wind their way thru the courts back to the supreme court, the issue of ss-marriage will be decided once and for all. All the states with these horrible restrictions and bans on ss-marriage will have to suck it up, just like they did for women voting, the end of segregation, and interracial marriages. All of which, they also tried to use religious dogma to enforce.

The tide has shifted to our side. Thanks to the multitudes of us living openly/honestly, the world is beginning to see we really aren’t that different. We want the same things in life. We aren’t out to destroy civilization. Hardly. lol With 7 billion people clogging up this poor planet, there is zero danger there. I look forward to the future w/new dreams that I never thought possible.

References

References
1 Ok. 2nd time. The first time was when California ruled we could get married before Prop 8

Equal

One of the biggest complaints I heard from locals during and after pride was about all the straights. All I can say is ‘careful what you wish for!‘  We asked for equality and we’re getting it. That doesn’t mean everything becomes hunky dory nor does it mean we can remain separate. And it certainly does not it mean our fight is over.

On one hand, it is a good sign that more and more straights feel comfortable celebrating a gay event. It is yet another indication that we have become accepted by society. But sadly, our straight brethren aren’t always looking to see things our way. They’re indifference hasn’t changed. To them, it is yet another party to be celebrated, the reasons are irrelevant. [1]One could argue the latter for gays in many ways too Yes, I’m overgeneralizing to make a point here.

And we have our own realizations to adapt to as well. This idea of separate but equal is dead. Cast it aside and move beyond it. Did we think we’d get equality and still be separate? Did we think everyone would accept us and still leave us alone? Sorry, that is not how it works. You can’t get equality and then ask to be treated special. And it seems that is the confusing part for many of us. We haven’t fully realized what equality means and are still holding onto our old ideals. In essence, we’re still stuck on being separate from the whole. We’re beyond that now and we need to catch up.

Some might see our new reality as a down side. I don’t. But I guess I’ve always realized what the true equality would mean. I knew this was coming and I’ve hoped for it all my life. You can’t have special and equal rights. As previously mentioned, there will be some homogenization of our culture. Will it disappear? Of course not. But this is why some within our own community have fought against the march to equality.  Like all things, our culture will adapt. But we must realize the days of “our” events are over. It is no longer our event. It is simply an event that happens to deal with us. Like it or hate it, it simply is.

I’d rather that than the worry and fear of never having the rights I need/want/deserve under the law. I’d rather know if my partner is injured or dies, I wouldn’t be locked out of his last moments or his family couldn’t take away everything we built together in life. I don’t want to pay extra taxes because the feds don’t recognize my marriage. I don’t want my foreign born partner deported. I don’t want my children in legal limbo. The list goes on and on.

Now we begin to see the true face of equality. And having seen it, would you deny that to the thousands of families across this nation? Even if, for you, it’s not all that it is cracked up to be, would you turn back the clock to full separation?

References

References
1 One could argue the latter for gays in many ways too