Moby Files: Blog – Page 10 – Blogging to bring the 'real' to reality!

Chewer

So Daisy is a chewer. When she gets a little worked up, she will chew on practically anything that happens to cross in her path. This by itself wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t actually eat half the shit she chews on.

So far she has destroyed (and eaten part of) a combat boot, a cabinet leg, several shoes, a luggage strap, a couch throw pillow, a Velcro wrapping strap, and who knows what else. The unfortunate downside of said adventures is when she tries to poop all this mess out. Twice now she’s had ‘issues’ with pooping. Lawd, give me ‘strungth’. heehee ^[1]Thankfully, we invested it pet insurance for her.

Cooper was never much of a chewer and when he did, he knew what to chew on. He just got it right away. Daisy is a bit less focused so far. She’s still young so I’m sure she’ll grow out of it to a degree. However, most dogs that love to chew, do so well into old age. I hope the apt survives! haha She is just an angel otherwise; so sweet, gentle and just loves cuddles and rubs.

She has adjusted to living with us and is fully bonded. She feels safe when we aren’t there and rarely barks. She roams the block and neighborhood with me like a pro. She has developed a habit of sleeping next to me on the couch. She will drape one leg over mine and lay down to sleep. If she is next to me, her leg is over mine, no exceptions. It is totes adorable. She loves my roommate’s Frenchie, Toby. They get along too well at times. They love to play tug of war with toys and constantly like to play and wrestle. The noise can be a bit much when they get really worked up.

Beyond the chewing, she is very skittish. Bullies can be skittish, especially as pups. However, they tend to grow out of it. I’m not so sure Daisy will. She gets freaked out by strange sounds very easily. Even plastic grocery bags freaked her out at first. (Ironically, Fleet Week didn’t phase her one bit!) Anything close to her that makes a strange sound will set her off. My neighbor put out a skeleton dog as a Halloween decoration and she would not walk past it for a good 5 minutes. She finally figured out it wasn’t alive or going to hurt her. Even though, she still routinely sniffs it to make sure it’s not a threat. lol Some of that will change as she ages but I foresee her being skittish for years to come.

But, all problems aside I love her dearly. She is a sweet girl and just can’t help but love her. She has become part of the family.

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↑1	Thankfully, we invested it pet insurance for her.

Meal Prep

So…. I’ve lost a little bit of my gut again. I always seem to get to this point and not much further. hehehe Even though I haven’t had Taco Bell in forever, I still call it my TB gut.

I routinely fluctuate about 15 lbs but after a hard gym routine for the last few months, I’m back to my leaner self. I keep telling myself to keep going but my desire for delicious food often ruins it.

That said, I’m been using a meal delivery service and the meals are healthy. While it is a bit pricey, it has helped my diet significantly. I’ve been thru Freshly, FlexPro, Fresh N’Lean, and now I’m on to Factor 75. Freshly was the best of the group but the meal selection is limited when you order the max 12 meals a week. If they rotated out meals more often I’d still be with them. FlexPro was a bit generic. Not bad, but for the price I felt like I wasn’t getting my money’s worth. Fresh N’Lean started out great but then they started putting some sort of vinegar or pickling agent in the veggies for every dish and it just got to be too much. I don’t think they realize when you vacuum seal the food, that flavor seeped into the rest of the meal. ^[1]I did tell them when I left but I doubt anything changed. I got the generic response. Factor 75 was recommended by the guy at my Vitamin shoppe. I’m having the same problem with them I had with Freshly but they at least rotate a few different meals more often. I’ll probably rotate back to Freshly eventually. There is no contract so you can switch or cancel anytime you want.

Anyway, the meals have been good for my waistline. I can tell my body is detoxing form all the carbs because I’m constantly craving sweets or pasta these days. I’m one of those guys who can eat fatty foods no problem. I eat carbs and my ass expands exponentially. heehee I blame my Southern roots.

So not bad for a almost 49 year old fella, eh? I mean I could be leaner or bigger but I think I’m doing pretty good. I took off from the gym this past week for our trip and I miss it. Shawn and I were joking recently as he mentioned the same thing. Time to get back at it. Maybe I’ll even get a few baby abs.

Hope springs eternal…

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↑1	I did tell them when I left but I doubt anything changed. I got the generic response.

Aging

Well color me surprised, I got several welcome back emails after my last post. lol Thanks to those who responded. I honestly didn’t think anyone still visited the site. However, I forgot about my RSS feed and the email push. Duh!

Anyway, I’m always touched when folks read here. It’s pretty bland these days as I’ve resisted discussing current events. I don’t want the blog to turn into a bitch fest so I’ll have to really think it over. Lawd knows I have an opinion on most current events. Social media is so toxic these days I may open the blog up to more topics. I miss it.

A reader did follow up about my age post and I figured I’d update on what I meant. I have definitely noticed my age these last few years. It started around 46 but the following year seemed to really be the dividing line. I’m fast approaching ‘ancient’ ^[1]if you’ve ever read here you’ll know I lovingly refer to reaching 50 in gay years as ancient. I’m just a year and a few months away! Oh dear, how will I cope? The same as always.

To the question put to me, I have noticed why some older guys tend to resent the gay community as I age. Many of these things don’t phase me but I can see how it can turn ugly fast. The one I get most tickled over is when young guys hit me up on ‘certain apps’ and then get bitter when I either don’t respond or politely decline. Many times the trending retort is something along the lines of” your old anyway” or “your bald and old“. One guy went so far as to setup a fake profile to try and harass me. He would send me messages like, “what’s up chubs” or “how you doing gramps“. It was hysterical. The less I reacted the more he tried to get me upset. I finally took pity and let him know his attempts to hurt or anger me had failed and he had my compassion. If your life is so bad you need to resort to such antics, you truly have my sympathy. The profile disappeared after that. When he sees me on the streets now, his sneers have turned to just ignoring me. Either way, not my problem.

On the flip side, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little when someone I’m into declines and I get the impression it’s due to age. But sting vs tantrum are very different feelings. I accept the fact it will happen and so it makes handling it much easier….usually.

And that is how I approach some of the more negative aspects of aging in the gay community. I get it, we’re very carnally driven and as we age the desire remains while our attraction from others wanes. This can lead to some painful conflicts. I think it really falls back on how much you accept and love yourself. If you haven’t tackled those demons, then aging can be very hard and even isolating when you’re single. I adore my Shawn but if things went south, I’d never hold onto him out of fear of being alone. Been there, done that and no thanks. Fortunately, we’re doing good. It helps that I care more for his happiness than whether we are together or not. I love him dearly but I’d never want us to stay together and be miserable just so we aren’t “single.”

I have more funny examples but I feel like I’m rambling. I’m sure I’ll share them later.

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References
↑1	if you’ve ever read here you’ll know I lovingly refer to reaching 50 in gay years as ancient.

Back At It?

I mentioned it before but after Cooper passed away the desire to blog just sort of left me. I mean I’d been drifting away for awhile before that but Cooper‘s death just hit me so hard and I didn’t really feel it anymore.

But, I find myself really missing it. I miss rambling on here. And a shocker for any of long time readers left, a few of my old demons have surfaced lately and I’m trying my best to deal with them constructively. Rambling away here has always helped me do that.

I looked at my site stats the other day and was a bit surprised how many of my old posts still get non-bot views. Who da thunk it? My google rank has plummeted but that is to be expected.

In new news, I’ve been grappling with my age lately. Not in a bad way just noticing things, specifically on how I’m viewed/treated by others. I have plenty of thoughts to share on it. So hopefully, I’m back at it here. Time will tell I guess.

Hope springs eternal…

Daisy Mae

Please welcome my new baby girl Daisy Mae Rescue to the family! She is a 2 year old bully who was surrendered by her previous elderly owners as they couldn’t take care of her. As you can see, she is beautiful. And just the sweetest thing. Bullies have so many similar traits but they always have their own unique personalities and quirks. Unlike Cooper‘s more forthright energy and eagerness for attention, she is a little more subtle and gentle.

I found her thru the same site I found Cooper, the NCBR ^[1]Northern California Bulldog Rescue. The primary contact actually remembered me and Cooper. We had a wonderful chat and even the intern remembered him. I was so touched.

When Cooper passed away I knew I’d eventually rescue another one. I just needed time to heal. Of course, I didn’t expect the big whammy they hit me with. While the site contact and I were texting, she sent me Daisy’s date of birth. Are you ready for this? Daisy was born the same month/day as Cooper. She was two weeks older than when I picked up Cooper. It was eerie and exhilarating at the same time. Of course, when I got the text I just burst into tears. I think Shawn knew I was sold on her at that point but I really did keep an open mind. Cooper came along before I met Shawn and I wanted this dog to be ours, not just mine. I wanted to make sure he was sold as much as I was.

We’d originally planned to go see two other dogs but the site contact emailed me about Daisy just coming into their care. She wasn’t even on the website yet. They sent me pics of her so I knew what she looked like. Anyway, we stopped in Vacaville to see the first bully. Shawn had sort of been leaning toward this one but he turned out not to be a good fit. He was a bit of a brute, but more worryingly, he’d been in foster for months and he already felt at home. He was with about 6 other dogs as well. He definitely would have felt like he was being separated again. I think he was older than the 3 years they estimated him at. He was also overly possessive about toys. This presented a red flag for us with Toby. Overall, he just wasn’t the best fit.

After nightmare traffic, we finally made it up to Folsom. We were now scheduled to see two dogs, Summer and Daisy. Summer was super sweet and hyper. Her energy reminded me so much of Cooper, as he was a little dynamo when I first met him. She was recovering from a severe Demodex infestation but it didn’t diminish her energy at all, which made her even more adorable. She was tiny for a bulldog. She was barely larger than Toby, my roomie’s Frenchie. Her energy would have been a challenge for sure but she was adorable and friendly. Truth be told if I had room, I would have brought them both home. But, I could only pick one.

Daisy was brought out and right away I knew I wanted her. And she charmed us both. She went right up to Shawn and asked to be petted. It was so adorable. She gently hopped up and put her paws in his lap requesting attention. She was so sweet and eager for us to love on her. Shawn was sold and I knew we were going to get her. We decided she was the best fit and brought her home!

She is adjusting very well and has only a few bad manners. Being barely an adult, she needs some structure. She is a chewer and we’ve already have some episodes of her chewing on stuff she shouldn’t; namely the furniture. lolol I took the week off to help her bond to her new home and day three really saw her blossom. She came out of her shell and really showed off her personality. Even better, her and Toby are like best friends. They play so well together and just really get a long great.

She is just now beginning to realize her life as a princess is beginning. We’re working on her manners and expect her to be a pure joy for years to come. So far, no health problems at all. She is young, vibrant, and very lovable.

References[+]

References
↑1	Northern California Bulldog Rescue

Snap

There are days where I see what humans are doing to this planet and I think to myself, “ya know, maybe Thanos had the right idea?” Then I realize we’d still be stuck with half the stupid people and I just shake my head.

If you told me 20 years ago we’d still be disparaging people over the color of their skin or calling vaccines sorcery I wouldn’t have believed you. Sadly, that is where we are today in 2019.

Our selfishness will be our undoing.

Not Gone

I don’t blame ya for thinking I ‘be done’ abandoned the blog. Cooper’s death hit me really hard. I was depressed afterwards. I spent most of my time eating and working with the occasional video game binge in there. I’m still completely heartbroken he is gone. I miss him so much.

I’ve reached a point where I get thru the days without crying…mostly. I still have days where I just can’t shake the loneliness. But, I am getting better. It’s coming up on 2 months since he passed. I will adopt/rescue another wonderful bully again. I want to grieve and heal first. When the time comes, I will know it. Anyway, I the desire to blog or even keep up with the blog totally left me when he passed. I even considered closing it down. I think that was mostly the depression speaking.

In less depressing and actually exciting news, Shawn and I just celebrated our 6th year together. Lawd only knows how he puts up with me? I still love him as much as I did in the beginning and am grateful he does indeed put up with me. Hehehe We had dinner at Firewood Cafe (which is closing soon) in the hood where we had our first meal together. Shawn is (and has been for a while now) my longest relationship. I guess there is something to be said for that.

So yeah, I’m still here.

Goodbye My Precious

We had to say goodbye to Cooper yesterday morning. His breathing had become impacted by the tumor pressing against his lungs. He was simply experiencing too much discomfort and I couldn’t stand to see him suffer. Any doubts I had about rushing it were swept away the night before.

I kept saying out loud we’d have him for a few more months but inside I knew we didn’t have much time. The tumor was growing quickly. My only hope was that it might grow at an angle that let him enjoy a few more months. Sadly, it was not to be. I’m grateful he declined so quickly to avoid any unnecessary suffering on his part. However, I miss him so much already. I do not think I’ve ever been so attached to a companion. I never realized how much of my daily schedule included him. Everything reminds me of him and sends me into a new fit of tears.

His life started rough as he was abandoned. When he came into my life he rescued me just as much as I rescued him. I needed him without even realizing it. He gave me so much and asked so little in return. I am happy to know I gave him a good life. He was most definitely loved. I could go on and on about all the wonderful ways he enriched my life. He was not just a pet. He was my friend and companion.

As painful as it was, I was there in his final moments. I couldn’t imagine not being there. My only goal was to keep him from being scared. I wanted him to feel safe and loved. We got to play with him a bit before the end and it was a joy to see him come alive in those last moments together. He lived for butt scratches and we gave him so many along with happy words. It was an absolute joy to see him shrug off his discomfort long enough to enjoy the attention and love.

I held him as he drifted off. I spoke sweet words of love in his ear and kept my tears at bay until he had passed. He was a light in my life and my life is diminished without him in it. My Cooper Pooper, my “precious”, my love bug. . . you are missed and still loved.

My heart is broken now. And while it will heal, it will always have a mark from you.

Heart Problem

Now that I’ve had time to calm down, I’m sad to announce Cooper has been diagnosed with a heart tumor. If you follow me on social media, you’ll know he had a recent vet visit for his leg. Being almost 10, he is an old fella in bulldog terms. His arthritis aggravates his joints, which in turn leads to soreness, hence the vet visit.

While we were at the vet, we got his yearly update and did x-rays. From last year to now, a large tumor has grown around his heart. Ironically, he isn’t having any problems with his actual heart; no murmur, no irregular valves, etc. The tumor has grown to about the size of his heart so it’s begun putting pressure on his lungs. It will eventually impact his breathing severely enough we will have to euthanize him.

Surgery is possible but the chances of success are low and due to his age the vet wasn’t even sure he’d survive the surgery. I’d rather let him enjoy his remaining time vs putting him thru the trauma of such a major surgery. To say I have been upset would be an understatement.

Cooper came into my life at a time when I was severely depressed and having trouble finding my light. His boundless energy and enthusiasm gave me something other than my own problems to focus on and brought me out of my funk. Since then he has continued to be a beacon of slobber and unconditional love in my life. To say I love that dog would be an understatement. I have never in my life loved an animal so thoroughly. After many days of tears and uncontrollable bursts of sadness, I’ve made peace with it. I got over 8 wonderful year with him and I’m grateful for his love. I’m fond of saying, they give us so much and ask so little. Cooper would be the exemplification of those words.

My only goal now is to keep him as comfortable as possible until he reaches a time when his breathing is too labored to carry on. The vet gives him anywhere from another month to 6 months. I’m thinking 2 to 3 months at most but I’m hoping for longer. I would never let him suffer for my own benefit so once his breathing becomes too hard, we will make the decision to say goodbye.

His leg/knee injury is slowly healing and I am hopeful he will be off his meds within another week or two. As you can imagine many of the rules have gone out the window! hehehe He gets treats much more often and I’m less stringent on his structured daily life. I take comfort in knowing I gave him a wonderful life. That said, I know when that day comes a little piece of me will die with him. To my beloved Cooper, you were and are loved.