Category: work

Hard

I had a very rough call this past week at work and I find I’m having trouble shaking it. I rarely take work personal but there are times when certain calls find their way past my shields and really get under my skin. Most days, work is forgotten the moment I leave the building. Hell, its forgotten before I get my bike started. lol 

Sadly in my line of work, even when everything is done 100% right, people still suffer and I realize that. Without getting overly detailed, a person died while they were talking to me on the phone. I did everything I could possibly do (and then some) to no avail. I don’t have any angst or guilt over my performance. Its just been a long time since I had such a raw nerve-racking call.

Most people assume working in my agency, we handle emergencies non-stop, call after call, day after day. That simply isn’t true. Many calls can be urgent and even stressful, but the ratio of truly emergent calls is very low. And while many of our calls are emergencies in one sense or another, there are emergencies and then there are emergencies. That’s the best way I can explain it. I can handle bloody vehicle accidents, shootings, stabbing, fights, assaults, etc w/o blinking an eye. And while I am not belittling the realness of these calls, after years of repeating’em over and over, it just becomes sort of routine. Granted they are still stressful but you don’t really get excited. You handle it as best you can and move on to the next call.

This last call was just so raw and out of the norm, it got to me. Hearing someone slowly [1]in the scope of a call it seems slow but the reality here is within a few minutes pass away while pleading for help and comfort is hard, to say the least. To know you are helpless to prevent the inevitable is just gut-wrenching. I was obviously upset afterwards and took some time to compose myself and refocus my mind. I was texting Apple guy and he managed to make me laugh, which is exactly what I needed. He knocked me out of my funk enough for me to move on. I finished my shift and went on about my life. For whatever reason, this particular call wasn’t so easy to forget. 

The upside to this is I recognized the hard edge within me hasn’t taken over yet. [2]For you newer readers, I’ve discussed on occasion a very dark cold part of my id that scares the holy shit out of me.  I’ll be honest, if I ever lose myself to the dark parts of my id, I would consider my life (and my struggles) an utter failure. It has been and continues to be on of the single most important guiding principles in my life. Thankfully, I don’t see myself going down that path. So while this particular call really got to me, it has also helped to remind me that I am still the man I strive to be. I can’t save everyone but I can take strength and comfort in knowing I do the best I can every time I can, no matter the scenario.

References

References
↑1 in the scope of a call it seems slow but the reality here is within a few minutes
↑2 For you newer readers, I’ve discussed on occasion a very dark cold part of my id that scares the holy shit out of me.

Ho-Hum

 

Well, the holiday season is upon us. The pic is a shot of me being silly at the work holiday party. I was a little apprehensive as I didn’t really know what to expect. Actually, it was loads of fun watching my co-workers get shit-faced. It was at a bar up in North beach, which is total straights-ville. (Now you see my apprehension. lol)  And true to form, there was only 1 other gay co-worker in attendance. He was smart enough to bring a mini-group of his own friends. I should have dragged (read ‘tortured’) several of my own brood into the mix. Now that would have been a show!

I don’t socialize with my co-workers a lot so it was an interesting experience. Some, I had pegged dead on and others really surprised me. Its amazing how some people change personalities after you pour a little liquor in’em. Me, I’m pretty much the same rambunctious flirty homo as I am sober. The only difference is I tend to be a little more rambunctious and a little more flirty. No surprise there. I’ve never booze (or anything else) to loosen up.  Anyway, I ended up having a good time. The place was full of off-duty cops and I took turns with several co-workers taking bets on who would hook-up with whom. heehee

Beyond that, I don’t really seem to be in the holiday mood this year. I didn’t even put up a tree. I’m not sad or depressed or anything like that. The mood just hasn’t really hit me this year. Normally, i get excited when I start decorating and doing cards. Speaking of, I got the cards out at a decent time this year, btw. No disasters other than getting glared at by the post office clerk for purchasing 50+ one-cent stamps. I glared right back at her. lol

The new roomie has been gone for weeks with his new romantic interest and apple guy is still 2000 miles away so it was just me [1]He is coming up for xmas weekend though.. I guess I didn’t really see the point of doing all the decorations just so I can sit and stare at’em for 2 weeks and the take’em down. Ba-humbug right? lol

Oh well, I may not be all gaga for the holiday but I am still grateful. I’ve made a lot of friends over the years and they of course reach out to me on xmas via cards, calls, and texts. That to me is the best part of the holiday.

References

References
↑1 He is coming up for xmas weekend though.

Snooze

Nothing to see here. Just random shite to give everyone an update. I’m waiting for the ambien to kick in so by the end things start sounding weird [1]well, weirder than normal. you’ll know why.

First, my ongoing battle against that dastardly foe insomnia continues. I was up until 3:30am last night and promptly woke up at 8 freaking AM this morning. The night before I got about 6 hours so I’d call that a draw. I called off sick to work today. I felt too on edge and irritable and answering life/death calls in that mindset just wasn’t overly appealing. The social network crowd has been following my random spur of the moments much more closely [2]oh I’m sure they are just hanging on my every word…don’t judge me. so many of them will understand this. For you not so hip readers, I went to the doc last week and he wasn’t much help. The issue relates to a little genetic disorder that affects my hypothalamus. I’ve had it since birth. I don’t talk about it much as its more of an annoyance. This year it has become a challenge. I’m apparently not producing several key chains of enzymes that deal with the body shutting down to sleep. Ambien is very hit and miss but more often than not it will do the trick. The bad is while it is not physically addicting, it increases the difficulty of sleeping after you go off of it. Brilliant right? My other option is narcotic based drugs but that is an absolute bust for me. No matter how much I take, any amount that will put me to sleep will also leave me in a funk for hours after I wake up the next day. This not overly conducive if you ride a motorcycle. Well, if you want to stay up-right on the motorcycle that is. I know, I know, shut a nit-picker. Whatever…

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Everyone is chomping at the bit for more news about the Apple guy. Well, I don’t have much to add. We still talk, we still like each other, and we still live 2000 miles apart. lol Things are pretty much in a holding pattern until he moves here in late January. He has been super duper preoccupied lately but still finds time to talk to me, which I like. The one thing I will say is we both seem to be approaching this from the same mind-set. And by that I just mean, neither he or I is looking to get into a LTR just so we can be in an LTR.  Ugh, that is so 90’s. Anyway, it just is. We aren’t pressuring it or trying to make it anything other than it is. It might sound weird but that’s oddly comforting to me. He is coming up for Christmas so I got it off so we could have a long weekend together. I’m looking forward to it.

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The bike shop where I take my beast called me out of the blue today and they got the remaining parts for my bike in. Even better, they surprised me. I scratched up the crank cover pretty severe the last time I low-sided the bike. The shop ordered me a new more stylish one with a slider built over it to prevent future gashes in the event I slide the bike again. Well, they didn’t tell me the slide plate was solid blue like my bike. Of course I was ecstatic! They know blue is my signature color and know me well enough to know I would have totally jumped on it had I known. Yeah, it was 50 bucks extra but so what. I “gottsta” look good damn it! LOL  Anyhoo, they popped all the new parts on today and the bike is good as new.

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Its effin’ cold here right now. And I do mean cold. It got down to 34 last night and tonight its a balmy 41 degrees out. That’s pretty cold for SF. It almost never gets below the high 40’s/low 50’s. Of course, being a windy ocean-side city makes it even worse. We actually got tiny hail for 5 whole minutes earlier this week. Seriously, it hailed/snowed for like 5 minutes in SF. [3]Global warming is a total myth right? lol 

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Work is work. I did rotate back to PD side about a month ago.  I’ve been on fire side for a 18 months and I decided it was time to rotate back. I gotta admit, while it is way busier, I missed it. We started our shift sign-up last week. There is a very real chance I’ll get bumped back onto a 4-10 shift. I’m hoping not but it is beyond my control so I’ll deal with it. I’m pretty sure of getting some sort of weekend slot regardless but I’d love to stay on 5′-8s. I’ll know in about a week. I’ve reached a point where my seniority isn’t changing much. For years, I jumped 10-15 slots every sign-up. I’ve been in the mid 50’s for about 3 years now. I’m not complaining as I can pull the shift I want and can usually pull the days off I want. Truth be told, I’m just grateful to have a job. Things are still very rough on the City’s budget crisis. They are still threatening to layoff staff (that we don’t have) and/or just reduce our ability to backfill overtime. That means if someone goes on vacation or calls in sick, they department can’t call people in on overtime to meet minimum numbers. That means when you call 911 you sit in queue longer. I’m disgusted at the possibilities but its out of my hands so I’m hoping for reason.

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I think the ambien is actually taking hold so time to shut my pie-hole. That or I have gas, either way its time to go.

References

References
↑1 well, weirder than normal.
↑2 oh I’m sure they are just hanging on my every word…don’t judge me.
↑3 Global warming is a total myth right? lol

Coming ‘round

Every time I think I have people figured out, good or bad, someone comes along and surprises me. I should just realize it is an impossible task and learn to roll with the punches.

I had a very odd conversation with a co-worker the other day about gay rights, specifically about gay marriage. It was odd because we’d originally started out discussing my few experiences with women during my coming-out years. [1]Yes, I’ve been there done that. I gave the tshirt away though, so not for me.  lol  He abruptly switched the conversation by asking me how I felt about the current struggle for gay marriage.

Before I go on, let me give you a little background info. He is straight, a different racial background, and older by about 10 years. For the most part, he and I have always gotten along very well. He treats me with respect and I return the favor. To my discredit, I’ve always been a little wary of him though. Not because of anything he did but simply because I knew he was very religious. I’ve overheard some of his conversations with other co-workers over the years and had him pegged as a bit of a fundie. [2]short for “christian fundamentalist”  And while I know that’s not necessarily a good thing, when you grow up in the bible belt listening to the holier-than-thou’s-but-often-ignorant-hypocrites preach about how awful you are and proclaiming your very existence will lead to the fall of man, you get a little defensive at times.

Anyway, back to the story. I told him I felt whole-heartedly the struggle was an honest and righteous one. Mentally, I’d already begun to compile my reply as I expected him to throw a bunch of misquote and miswritten scripture at me in defense of ‘traditional marriage’. To my total surprise, he actually agreed with me (with only a little caveat). While I’m sure he didn’t notice a thing, I was completely blown away. You could have sold me for a penny and got change back I was so surprised! And what had started as a passing conversation to alleviate boredom now had my complete attention!

He went on to tell me he believed gays should have all the legal rights afforded straights but that it shouldn’t be called a ‘marriage’. He felt very strongly marriage is a term deeply tied to religion. At that point in the conversation I was still reeling from surprise. Here I am thinking this guy, while always friendly, is probably actively voting to keep me a second class citizen and he is nothing of the sort. Even worse, he actually supports me! Talk about feeling like an ass. [3]We can talk about my projection issues another day.  Anyway, we went on to basically agree on the subject in every way possible. I have a new found respect for my co-worker, to say the least. I’ve also dropped the preconceived notions I had of him. lol  Teach me to be a doubting-Thomas.

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As to the topic of our conversation, I’ve always thought [gays] should focus on the civil aspect and leave the term marriage by the curb. Granted, there will be many who will fight it regardless of what we call it, but that doesn’t mean we should be stupid about it. More people have been killed on this planet in the name of God(s) than all other atrocities in human history combined. Is it really feasible to think we can change people’s beliefs in the span of a few decades? That said, I honestly believe most human beings are decent and want to do the right thing. Trying to force acceptance thru “marriage” has always sent the wrong message IMHO and makes our struggle that much harder.

Many people don’t know that a marriage in a church isn’t legally binding until you’ve registered with the local county clerk’s office. So, while we might have blurred the lines between our civil and religious references to marriage, they are still completely separate under the law. We should have focused on that separation from the very beginning and stuck with it. We’d certainly be further along in our struggle for equality right now if we had. And if we really want to win this fight, we should redouble our efforts and focus on making the line between civil unions (straight and gay) and marriages very distinct, along with their distinctly different connotations.

Regardless, of our most recent setbacks, we will eventually see equality. The younger generation doesn’t care about the old prejudices and stereotypes. And as the older generations simply die off, change will happen. I am still hopeful it will happen in my lifetime.

References

References
↑1 Yes, I’ve been there done that. I gave the tshirt away though, so not for me.  lol
↑2 short for “christian fundamentalist”
↑3 We can talk about my projection issues another day.

Unsettled

Work has been an absolute torment for me this week. Not my job per se (that I can handle) but stuff influencing not only my day to day operations but my position as a Steward as well. I had enough foresight to see this problem coming months ago and made several attempts to prevent it from happening. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

Without going into details and bad-mouthing a whole slew of people who aren’t here to defend themselves, I basically felt pressured into making a very big deal out of something I feel could have been handled with only a tiny amount of intervention. It is a very big deal to me. The irony is because I’m so incredibly frustrated and angry, I’ve lost my normal sense of composure and ability to make shrewd calculated responses. I pride myself on being able to see the big picture, step back from a situation, size it up, respond accordingly, and work to a successful resolution. That said, realizing I’d lost this detachedness, I called in my big rep for our Union. I felt a little ashamed to bother him with it but he backed me up 110%.

To give you an idea of how out of sorts I am. This new issue has me so wound up and angry not only did I loose my temper yesterday, I actually yelled at several coworkers, which is something I never do. While not making excuse(s), I felt completely isolated and abandoned in the scope of things going on around me at the time. [1]As it turns out, I’m not but it didn’t feel that way.

Today, seeing no one above my rank cared or could even be bothered to feign concern, I escalated the issue to a level that involves myself, the department, and the city in general. This of course angered me even more because it made me feel petty. I absolutely detest being made to feel petty about anything!

Afterwards, needing to blow off steam, I confided in some of my friends at work and was surprised to hear how much they supported my efforts. They not only supported me but encouraged me to carry my fight to the very end. Its funny how just a little nod of approval can give one a sense of validation and conviction.

And while it may still come across as petty to some, I am feeling much more my old self again and am confident it will get resolved to my satisfaction.

References

References
↑1 As it turns out, I’m not but it didn’t feel that way.

Still Kicking

Yeah, I’m still here I’ve just been a little busy lately and haven’t had much time to update da ole blog.  Let’s see, what have you missed?

I went down to LA over pride weekend to see the boy. I figured I’ve done pride every year for the last 7, I can miss one. Anyway, I had a very good time, to say the least. heehee I also took the opportunity to visit Universal Studios while I was there. I wasn’t overly impressed. Total tourist trap. To be fair, I didn’t visit the theme park area. That would have been more fun, I’m sure. The rest was just overpriced restaurants and trendy clothing/trinket shops. I can get that here. I did like the extra deep seats at the movie theater though. [1]I went to see the new Transformers. I liked it!

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The whole Michael Jackson hysteria has me disgusted. Forgetting how it has completely obliterated coverage of any real news, I’m always amazed how selective people’s memory can be. I wonder how adoring anyone would be had it been their child he molested? And please spare me the “he is innocent” speech. I was a huge fan up until the trials. Anyone who watched with more than a passing interest came away feeling his was guilty. And just try and explain to me how an innocent man accused of such a heinous crime(s) forks over $23 million to “settle” his good name. [2]And that was a different case. I wonder how many never made the papers? Yeah right!  And while I’m on my holier-than-thou horse, since when is musical talent carte blanche for a celebrity to commit crimes? I don’t have a problem w/people remembering him but lets try to keep to the truth vs fantasy. I find the similarities between the OJ & MJ trials amusing. OJ was also acquitted but everyone pointed believes he is guilty. Why is Michael Jackson any different? Is it because we dont’ want to believe? Or because our fragile egos can’t deal with the reality that popular celebrities are fallible human beings just like the rest of us.  /rant

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Work has been somewhat better as of late but still crazy busy. I’m referring to my Union duties of course. Regular work ebbs and flows constantly which is part of the reason I probably enjoy it so much. I mentioned a while back we saved our immediate jobs but there is still plenty of work to be done to make sure they stay secure. Not to mention, I still have my hands full w/daily complaints, representations, grievances, etc.  Busy busy busy.

On a side note, Thursday (my Friday) we got a misrouted VOIP call from my best friend from Houston’s hometown in Oklahoma. His hometown is only slightly larger than mine so one does not forget such things. I didn’t handle the call but it was pretty serious and it took some time just for us to track down the correct agency contact information. Contrary to belief, all PSAPs are not constantly connected.

Oh, and I am going back to 5-8’s mid month with Sat/Sun’s off. I’ll admit I was a little tempted to stay on a 4-10 shift this time. While I still struggle with my tight schedule, I’ve adjusted much better than last time. That said, my particular slot was taken so I opted to go back. I’m looking forward to longer mornings again so I can go back to longer workouts.

Speaking of working out, I’ve taken a couple weeks off from the gym, other than cardio. I strained my elbow tendon a while back and its been getting progressively worse. I need to give it some rest before I do serious damage and have to go thru some of the drama my buddy Rob did. He had to take over 6 months off from the gym. I have no desire to do that to myself by being hard-headed.

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The new roomie is completely moved in now. He seems to be adjusting well and so far its been great having him around. Even better, he paid rent w/o having to be asked! I know, shocker right? The old roomie and I still stay in touch. We were friends before being roomies and that will continue. He seems intent on staying in NYC even though he still hasn’t found work yet. I wish him luck even if I do still miss his drama at times.

I could go on and on but TiVo is calling and I’m still 4 levels away from beating the latest version of Prince of Persia on the Xbox 360. Yes, I’m still a geek. Oh, and I have some drama about the latest moto ride to share when I have more time.

References

References
↑1 I went to see the new Transformers. I liked it!
↑2 And that was a different case. I wonder how many never made the papers?

Good News & Stuff

First off, we (the Union) were able to come to an agreeable compromise last week that resulted in not only our own staffing not getting cut but also saved another 900+ jobs citywide. [1]The caveat is 2 ballot initiatives in November have to pass.

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We had a good ride again this last Friday. We only ended up taking a couple pics. At least I don’t look like a beached whale in this one. I loved the route, we ended up going thru a lot of the windmills North of the City. I’ve always had a thing for windmills. I guess because we never had any in Texas. [2]Texas and windmills, yeah right!

We had a our first girl join the group this last week. She was sweet and fit in well but I kind of got a kick out of how she pulled turns. I’m thinking maybe because she was so petite she has to pull her weight more to lean that big Ducati she drives. It was a bit comical watching her pull her body to the side on regular turns as if she was doing a really tight turn super fast. [3]If you’ve ever ridden a bike, you know that you can almost do anything with a bike just by shifting your body weight. She was cool though and we had fun with her. We have another ride coming this Friday. A similar route in reverse this time. I’m stoked!

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People have been asking about the boy. Yes, I’m still enjoying being a new daddy. No, I ain’t sharing those stories. [4]They ARE juicy though. What I will say, he is as charming and endearing as ever. He always seems to put a smile on my face and a chub in m pants. What’s not to like? Seriously though, if he lived closer, I’d be in trouble.

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I got more than a few emails about the last post. Some people felt I was “attacking” religion. Two things, read it again and I don’t care. I’ve picked my side and completely comfortable with that.

References

References
↑1 The caveat is 2 ballot initiatives in November have to pass.
↑2 Texas and windmills, yeah right!
↑3 If you’ve ever ridden a bike, you know that you can almost do anything with a bike just by shifting your body weight.
↑4 They ARE juicy though.

Fly

Yeah, I know, I haven’t updated lately. I’ve been a bit busy.

Work was a bit stressful last week. The Union has been in negotiations with the City for a few months now. They City obviously is having a serious financial crisis and wants the Union(s) to give back. Without our contract being open, they can’t force it but the Union clearly understands if they don’t come to the table, the City turns to layoffs. Actually, the City has already given out almost 500 pink slips.

Last week the membership voted down the 2nd negotiated compromise. My understanding is there will be no more talks. With this latest offer being rejected, the City will most likely return to laying people off. I’m not worried for my own job but I am rather sad knowing more people will be getting pink slips in such a rough economy.

I’m a bit torn on the outcome of the last vote. At first thought, it seems like people are being greedy and selfish. And while that may be true to some extent, there is more to it. Many people are scared of giving back in tough times and I can’t fault them for that. And frankly, the City has pled poverty for so long now that they are in a true financial crisis, their pleas are falling on deaf ears. Things are going to get ugly in the next few weeks. *sigh*

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In somewhat exciting news, I went indoor skydiving this past weekend. One of the motorcycle groups I ride with decided to go and it was an awesome! Basically, its a 100 foot chamber surrounded by plexi-glass walls and a huge fan underneath. The floor is mesh wire. After instruction and suiting up, an instructor guides you to the edge and pulls you in and away you go! It is hard to describe the feeling of floating on nothing but air but it was an amazing experience. Besides having your face blown every which way, the sensations are hard to describe. I was a tiny bit apprehensive at first but upon arriving and seeing people in action, my fears melted away and I was all for it. I’m not sure I’d ever go skydiving for real but this was a good alternative. We all loved it and plan to go back and do it again soon.

There is a video coming but I’m waiting for William (links to a Facebook profile) to rip the disc and upload the files for all of us to share.

I could write more but getting sleepy and need to hit the sack. More to follow soon.

Interest

So everyone is chomping at the bit for more news about "the boy". Actually, its been ages since a post on my blog generated so much feedback, online and off. I’ve even enjoyed the jibes from offline friends. First, I made a typo in the last post. He is 46 not 42. No, he didn’t deceive me, I knew his real age. Yes, we are still talking. No, I am not moving to LA nor is he moving here. [1]I’m not exactly sure how my last post conveyed anything like that.

It has been and continues to be an unusual experience for me. I’m enjoying it and I still find myself wanting to take on the role for the boy. He continues to be just as eager. We talk pretty much daily. I’m not really sure where things will evolve. Nor am I trying to force it into anything in particular. The boy has managed to show me parts of myself that I wasn’t even sure existed. For that, I will always be grateful.

One reader who is apparently deep into the scene has inferred that this will change my entire life and I’ll find myself subsumed by the role and scene. And while his inference (and advice) implies it to be a good thing, I humbly disagree. My focus thru this blog has always been about becoming a more well-rounded person. And while this experience has certainly been enlightening, I have no intention of molding myself into a pre-defined image of anything or anyone. Being well-rounded means recognizing parts of yourself and then reconciling those parts into the id as a whole. So don’t expect me to give up mani/pedi’s and/or start wearing leather full time. It ain’t gonna happen. lol

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Work was a bit busy last week. Besides normal workload increases for warm weather, our contract re-negotiations are coming to a close soon. Surmising a very long winded story, we had two offers so far. The irony was the first offer was a better offer but because it was overly complex, most employees were resoundingly against it. The feedback was so bad the Union didn’t even bring the offer to a vote. The City had gambled on playing hardball but when it realized how poorly it was going, they came back to the table for round two.

The second offer is simpler in design and seems to have much broader support even though we will be giving up a lot more than the first offer. If anything, it just goes to show that the ’mob mentality’ is still as strong as ever in our society. I get to spend all day tomorrow explaining the new offer to the membership. Joygasm!

References

References
↑1 I’m not exactly sure how my last post conveyed anything like that.

Tragedy

In case you haven’t heard, 3 police officers were shot/killed today in Oakland.  One other officer is in very grave condition.  I can’t express the shame, sadness, and anger rolling through at the moment.  The suspect was also shot and killed. 

I need to stop now before I say things I will regret.