Category: struggling

TFA Onward

I  haven’t talked much about TFA lately.  That has been partly on purpose.  I needed some time to work thru some things percolating in ma head.  I will reveal he has been dating someone new and seems absolutely smitten.  Of which, I’m very happy about.  I know I know, you are shaking head going “huh”?  (I’ll get to that, keep reading)  lol  The new guy seems to be much more what TFA needs as well as wants in a partner.  I’ve always felt TFA and I met for a reason.  Whether it was he to learn from me or vice-versa is still up for grabs.  I do think at the time we met, TFA needed me but I wasn’t what he wanted.  I know for some that won’t make sense but for me it totally does. 

I’m sure by now you are gathering from my comments I have indeed let go of the angst I felt regarding TFA.  Actually, it was some time ago.  It had more to do with my own insecurities really.  Seeing that and dealing with it was an important step for me.  I still care for him very much but that concern has evolved into an enduring friendship.1

Having let go of my internal issues, I find I am extremely happy with our relationship at present.  His new boyfriend knows about me and is completely ok with the connection and friendship we share.  After a long talk last night, I think TFA has clearly conveyed to him I am not a threat to their budding romance.  Considering he will be here for a long layover the weekend after my upcoming birthday, I felt it was important to make sure our connection would not hinder or interfere with his new love interest. 

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On a side rant, seeing TFA struggle to overcome his demons these last couple years has served to remind me of my past struggles and has kept me focused on my own life’s path.  He often tells me he sees our friendship lasting well into old age.  I’m very flattered and heartened by that. 

One of my life’s goals has been to know when I die, I’ll do so knowing I leave behind people who will remember and miss me.2  TFA definitely brings me one step closer to that goal.

  1. well, a friendship with ‘benefits’. heh heh heh
  2. For you tiny few LONG time readers, this will make total sense to you.  The rest of ya…get busy!

I’m NOT Crazy!

The doc and I went over my blood panel from last week and the good news is I’m not crazy.  The bad news, my testosterone level was twice the normal range.  Didn’t have a clue as to why until we thought to check my prescription.  Turns out the pharmacy sent me the wrong dosage of delatestryl. [1]synthetic testosterone  The milligram to milliliter was double what it was supposed to be.  Can you say, “oops”?  

The doc said he was surprised I could even work w/all that juice running thru my veins.  Of course, not being able to workout at the time only added to the affect.  Luckily, the changes aren’t permanent and I’ve suffered no long term damage.  It will take almost a full month for my system to return to normal though. 

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Of course, the other good thing is everyone got to hear me admit I get lonely.  hehehe.  Yes, even I get lonely at times.  And having somewhat of thick skin, I guess it is easy for me to hide.  Frankly, I’ve always seen loneliness as a useless emotion.  I often go out of my way to shun it within myself.  But, I’m realizing now it may serve a purpose.  It is ok to be lonely sometimes.  It is not ok to succumb to it and let it take over your life.

It’s funny because before all this happened I had a rather profound conversation with a friend one day.  He knows I’m fond of saying, “I try to be the type of man I’d like to date“.  His question was, “Say you do all this work to yourself.  You spend years even decades molding yourself into the type of person you wish to be.  And then you still don’t find anyone, was it worth it?”  And given my own recent Ricky Lake episode and some time to reflect on it, I think my answer is yes.  There are no guarantees in life.  And being a bit of a control freak you can imagine this next statement is like biting nails to me. lol  The only thing I truly have any control over is myself. 

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So, even though my big meltdown was chemically induced, it showed me I have some work to do.  In a way, it is kind of liberating.  I feel the “ugly monster” is out in the open now and I can deal with it instead of trying to banish it to dark corners of my id.   Will I succeed?  Hell, I don’t know but, therein lies the struggle we all face, right?

References

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↑1 synthetic testosterone

The Return

Today, I am pretty much back to my old self. It seems my emotional roller coaster has come to a screeching halt. lol Thanks to everyone who sent well-wishes. I got so many private emails as to make me cry. A few folks seemed genuinely surprised I was capable of feeling lonely. Yes, even a hard edged bastard like myself can feel lonely at times. lol

I scheduled an appointment to go see my doc next week. I can’t for the life of me justify why I spiraled so far downward. I am wondering if my problem might be partially hormonal. heehee I ain’t a spring chicken anymore and it is certainly a possibility. It would explain a lot. Don’t get me wrong, this past weekend opened my eyes a bit. I still plan on trying to find my internal balance again. But, not every problem has one solution so I am taking a broader approach.

And while I had every right to be upset, I succumbed to some pretty negative emotions. I mashed every little annoyance in my life into one big giant pity party. My buddy Frank and TFA were both there for me though. God love’em for putting up with my crazy ass. Both gave me some good insights and their unconditional support. It really meant a lot to me. I hope neither thinks any less of me for my unceremonious breakdown. I find it hilarious they both said, “it just shows you are human.” lol The truth is I often view such emotions as petty and beneath me. So when I feel them it makes me angry at the same time. Something else I need to work on. Sometimes the negative can teach us to value the positive that more. [1]Ok, I feel like I’m rambling here….

So yeah, I feel very much like my old self today. I’m just home from the gym and headed off to work in a bit.

References

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↑1 Ok, I feel like I’m rambling here….

New & Improved

Ok, it’s a cheesy title.  I couldn’t think of anything else.  Annnnyway, after my little spat yesterday, I had a complete and utter emotional meltdown.  Oh, it was not pretty. 

The short version: Said (ex) friend got caught in a lie, I gave him a chance to come clean, he didn’t and I called him on it. The lie itself was tiny but he intent behind it was quite painful.  He then proceeds to say some of the cruelest meanest things to me in an attempt to cover his shame and embarrassment.  I knew what he was doing but it still got to me and things spiraled afterwards from there. 

Honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure why I was such a wreck.  I’ve lost friends over much uglier things so why was this one so tough?  As my buddy Frank put it, “it was probably the preverbal straw that broke the camel’s back.” [1]He sooooo deserves a medal for putting up with me.  He was right I think.  Things have been building in my id and having no direct way out, they finally just busted through. 

Fast forward 24 hours and what have I learned?

  1. I still have insecurities to work through.  Acceptance is half the battle.  Yes, yes, they are better but I’ve allowed them to fester, apparently. 
  2. Some of my self-perceptions are at odds with reality.
  3. I am tired of always putting on the brave face.
  4. I still have unresolved angst over my evolving relationship with TFA.
  5. And probably the most painful to recognize, I am little lonely. [2]I’m still wrapping my head around THAT one.  Me, lonely?  Whodda thunk it?

Things are a clearer to me after my big broo-haha this weekend.  In a way, said (ex) friend did me a favor.  Make no mistake our friendship is over but his drama has forced me take a closer look at myself.  Unfortunately for you my dear readers, you get to once again suffer through me blathering on about my demons and attempts to exorcise them.  God love ya for doing it too.  lol

First on my agenda, come clean to myself about what areas need work and develop a mantra (a sort of codex if you will). 

References

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↑1 He sooooo deserves a medal for putting up with me.
↑2 I’m still wrapping my head around THAT one.  Me, lonely?  Whodda thunk it?

Over

Well, the three big gay holidays of the year are over.  Pride, Dore Alley, & last but not least, Folsom have all come and gone.  And while I had fun, Folsom was a mixed bag for me this year.  One might even say too much fun. [1]Yes, there will be a separate post for that.  You’ll need to be logged in to see it.  That said, I discovered a couple of old demons still lurking in my id.

The Big Muscle party on Saturday was exceptionally fun.  What can I say? So many beefy menz, so little time.  Actually, with the exception of the fair itself, everything else was almost a let down after the BM party.  Nothing else really seemed to measure up.  lol  And, I like it because everyone is still relatively sober.  I usually find the guys are often very friendly and more sociable than other events throughout the weekend.  I guess you could compare it to a Tea dance.  I also met more guys from online this year than I ever have before.  Moving on…

The weekend went great.  I was with a great group of friends, ran into some old ones and definitely met some new ones.  That said, I remember this nagging sensation gnawing at me several times.  Not about to let it ruin my fun, I tucked it away and made a mental note to crack it open later.  *g*  Well it is later and I’ve realized the nagging feeling was me feeling inferior.

Don’t get me wrong, I doubt anyone really noticed.  One thing you learn about me, when I’m nervous or intimidated I tend to act more gregarious than normal to compensate for it. [2]I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL  Call it a defense-mechanism from my childhood, whatever.  I originally chalked it up to not having worked out in over a month.  And lets face it, these events do sort of cater to the more shallow side of our nature. 

Now I’m left wondering if my lack of gym time is the real culprit?  I’m a little ashamed to say I don’t think so.  Instead, I think I’ve become so accustomed to working out it has allowed me to bury my old feelings of inadequacy.  It really shouldn’t surprise me not being able to work out just allowed them to surface.

So yeah, I had a great time at Folsom.  But, it also gave me a chance to see myself a bit more objectively.  Never a bad thing, IMHO.  I guess the point here is I realized I’ve been neglecting the inner me and focusing primarily on the outer me.  And while neither is in that bad of shape, I need to remember they both need work. *g* 

References

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↑1 Yes, there will be a separate post for that.  You’ll need to be logged in to see it.
↑2 I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL

Ever Evolving

I just ran into a friend who I haven’t seen in months.  I’d sort of written him off.  After he moved here from the South, he promptly fell into an LTR and then disappeared.  You know the story.  Boy meets guy, boy becomes consumed by guy and drops everything else in his life. . . 

Or at least I thought that was the case.  Turns out, I was dead wrong.  Boy has been really evolving and learning.  He has taken some time to look at his life here and fill in the missing pieces.  Sound familiar?  lol

Not only is the Guy not consuming all his waking time but insisting he have free time to himself.  I know scary huh?  I’m so proud of my friend I could cry. [1]I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe  The guy is several years older however, rather than using that as leverage on boy, he is taking the time to help him grow as a person.  My friend was almost beaming about everything he has and is learning about himself.  His rather backward and rigid ideals have shifted and now it seems he is taking the time to explore what works for him vs trying to fit himself into a mold.  I wish him all the best of course. 

Considering my own deep thoughts as of late, I can’t help but think I needed this today.  I’ve always considered myself very evolved in certain areas and completely bass ackwards in others.  I know that may come off as a little arrogant but it isn’t meant that way.  I know everyone seems to think something traumatic happened to me recently.  I can assure you it hasn’t.  I’m not mad, hurt, or disappointed in anyone particular.  I’m just learning to listen when life sends me little reminders of things I need to learn.  Life, it seems, has been very busy in the last couple of months giving me cues.  In the past, they would have flown right by my self replicating bubble.  Now, I’m more than a little proud to say, I’m getting it.

So what do all these seemingly random occurrences mean?  Good lawd! Cut me some slack, I’m still working on that one.  However, I can tell you some of my priorities are and will be shifting.  Some areas of my life have become almost compulsive and I’m not liking that.  And while some folks will totally miss this part, I’m a big believer in energies.  Meaning certain energies attract or repel other energies.  It is time to change some of the energies I’m giving off. 

I’m excited and a little scared at the same time.  The great thing about not feeling very moral is you don’t have to worry about a fucking thing you do.  I’m a little surprised to hear myself say this but I am beginning to see myself as a moral person.  And why my morals may not be the same as everyone else’s, they are becoming increasingly important to me.  Oh my god?!  Is this what adulthood is like?  It boggles the mind…

References

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↑1 I said almost, I’m not that big a sap. hehehe

Confounded & More

Ok, I guess my last post wasn’t very clear.  The general assumption seems to be that I’m referring to potential partners.  I wasn’t.  Or more to the point, potential partners fall under the intended gist but was by no means the focus.  I used TFA as an example only because many here have followed my ups/downs with him. [1]I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

I was referring to reciprocity in people that come into my life and stay in my life in much more general way.  That applies to friends, family, and lovers equally.  Never fear, I have no plans to stop being who I am.  I just need to re-examine my priorities a bit. Being kind, compassionate, or sympathetic is a tiny fraction of a continuing long term emotional investment in others.  What I am discovering is I need to differentiate and prioritize between random kindness and investing myself in someone who gives nothing in return.  I don’t mean tit for tat, I mean someone who cares and invests themselves in me as well.  That applies to everyone not just potential partners.   

One commenter wrote that "some people are givers and others are takers."  Sorry, but that is a cop out in my opinion.  Continuously being on one side of the spectrum is not healthy.  And it is something I’ve realized for myself that is holding me back.  Ironically, I’m on the giving side.  How’s that for a kick in the pants? lol 

References

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↑1 I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

Reciprocity

n. :the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence.

The word isn’t exactly what I’m referring to but it is the closest I can articulate.  Go with it. 

Several events as of late have given me pause to think about the current path I’m on in my life.  The on again off again scenario with TFA is a big one.  Several other past and present events have come into play as well.  I’m humbled that at my age I can still learn things about myself. [1]One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

I tend to be someone who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  I invest a great deal of myself in people I care about.  Oddly, I’m discovering I’m not always getting the same investment in return.  The latter I’m sure has a lot to do with a low self-worth as a child.  Anyway, it wasn’t until I was knee deep in a philosophical conversation with a newish friend recently that it hit me.  I have a horrible habit of investing myself in someone, friend or otherwise, without expecting or even demanding the same in return.  I’m referring to the like energies of time, compassion, concern, advice, and the level of involvement. 

I’ve always felt it is important to be compassionate, kind, genuine, etc.  I’m discovering it is also just as important to require the type of investment from others I invest in them.  I’ll admit this will be hard for me.  It is my nature to give of myself. 

 

Continue reading Reciprocity

References

References
↑1 One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

Snip, Snip

If you are on my bloglist and you haven’t updated your blog in over a month, you got cut today.  You know how to reach me if you come back from the dark side. 

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Did anyone else notice that the captcha’s for blogger were hella hard to read this past week?  They seemed to have fixed the issue but it has made commenting a challenge.  The goal is to prevent sp@mmers, not everyone.  Me thinks someone got canned.

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Adam from thisboyelroy and Brad were here apt. hunting here in SF this weekend.  They found a place pretty quickly and it sounds lovely.  We got a chance to hang out..  I must admit, I really have missed them.  We went to see Ironman.  I enjoyed it immensely.  I wasn’t too keen on Robert Downey Jr in the lead role but he did a superb job.  Some of the meaningful undertones of the movie were a tad rushed in my opinion.  However, the movie had good acting, good plot, good special effects.  It accomplished what I like to call plausible believability.

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I was mean to someone this weekend.  I regretted it immediately but I felt cornered.  I knew what he was doing with his passive aggressive comments.  I should have risen above it. [1]One of my best friends is a master at being passive aggressive so I should be immune by now.  I made an off-hand comment and he pounced on it trying to divine some hidden derogatory meaning.  I’m not a duplicitous person.  If I think something, I will tell you.  I don’t need to use sly tactics to get my point across.  However, I’m a big believer in two wrongs don’t make a right so I still feel bad for losing my temper.  

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Why are all the models in the Valtrex commercials so hot?  One would assume the genital herpes is only spread by hot straight men. 

References

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↑1 One of my best friends is a master at being passive aggressive so I should be immune by now.

Resolute-toot

Ok, miss me?  I’m most definitely back.  So, this years resolutions are half and half on the shallow side. The shallow first.

1) I’ve decided I wanna really lean up.  My bulk has reached a point where I’m consistently about the same.  I’m pushing the weight I wanna be pushing so now is the time to focus on the tough part.  Having a fast metabolism, I’ve never had to fight to be fit however, leanness has always been tough for me.  Lets face it, I love to eat.  Not fast food so much as rich food.  My first resolution is to cut back on all the rich food and focus more on a well-rounded healthy diet. 

2) I want at least 2 maybe 3 more tattoos.  One on the back each forearm and I’ve yet to decide on the rest.

3) Teeth:  I had to put off braces for my teeth as I switched dental providers last year.  Little did I know the new company has a 6 month waiting period.  Fuckers!  Anyway, the 6 months is up and I need to get braces.  I had toyed with the idea of getting veneers but I’ve discarded that idea for just getting my natural teeth straightened.  Thankfully, I am an invisilign candidate. Expensive but worth it.

The not so shallow

4) The debt is under control but I’d like to polish off 2 more credit cards. 

5) I’m struggling with my paramedic training.  All the programs so far won’t work with my work schedule.  I’ve had to broaden the search to more expensive colleges in the area.  I’m hoping I can find one that offers modules vs a continuous program.  I’m more than a little disappointed however, it is what it is. 

That is is.  Not so bad overall.  I think all of my goals are doable.  Lets hope my will power and determination holds out. 

And what about you?  What are your resolutions?  Haven’t made any?  Tsk, tsk.