Category: random thoughts

Buz–ee!

Last week was buz-zee! Not to mention my schedule was whack!

I had to be in two days early at daylight-thirty for software meetings. Any upgrade this large requires a lot of input beforehand and considering the amount of money being spent, the vendor has been bending over backwards to make us happy. As a power user, I get to be involved. I like it but getting up hella early is for the birds!

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I made a much needed visit to my chiropractor. OY! It’s amazing how much better a little *snap, crackle, pop* can make you feel?! I’ve been seeing the same doc since I moved to SF. He is very personable and lets me drop by without an appointment whenever I’m in need.

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I got some requests for pics of me and Cooper together. I’m working on it but not always easy when I’m taking the one pics and the doggie hate sitting still. lol He knows the sound of the shutter so if I don’t get it the first time, he’ll usually jump up and run over for attention. hehehe

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It seems the last month or so has been rough on my gym schedule. I’ve still been going but getting in consistently has been rough. Anyway, as things calm down I’m looking forward to the daily routine again.

See

I was re-watching a movie called Devil the other day and I was struck by one of the points in the story line. If you have’t seen it, almost the entire movie is shot from inside an elevator. It might sound a bit boring but its quite entertaining if you like the genre. Very suspenseful. Anyway, The devil brings this group of individuals together because he wants to claim one of their souls. The twist is that they are all bad individuals or have done bad things, whether intentional or not. As the story unfolds you discover they seem to be intertwined in relevant ways.

Anyway, my rant isn’t so much about the story line but part of the theory one of the lead characters proposed as a resolution. How do you make someone see themselves for who & what they really are? For you few enduring readers, you know this ties in nicely with one of my fundamental approaches to my blog; to see myself more objectively. [1]I certainly do a decent job of it at times but we all reflect on reality based on our own wants, desires, prejudices, etc. Thru many years of self-examination I like to think I have gotten better at seeing parts of myself more objectively. But how does one produce this on a larger scale? Think for a moment how many real world problems we could solve with this. And not just in our personal lives but in life in general.

In the movie the main character, being faced with imminent damnation, is finally given to see himself for who he is and what he has done. His redemption comes from the objective realization that he has committed a great wrong, whether intentional or not, and must atone for it if he homes to become a better person.

My question here is this the only way we can push people into seeing w/o the blinders? Is imminent destruction or death the only real way to remove the barriers we put before ourselves. I think back on my father before he passed. He waited till he was on his death bed to tell me he was sorry for the awful things he did to me during my coming out. Granted I think he’d realized his faults years before but he waited until the last possible moment to seek forgiveness. Maybe it sounds silly but the more I think on it the more I think this could/would fundamentally change our world.

Sadly, I don’t have a practical answer or solution to put forward. In my own life, it came from realizing a basic unhappiness in myself and struggling to understand it. This led to the pursuit of examining my id and all it’s many demons. I think this also reflects on why I try so hard to be fair-minded and equal in my thought patterns.

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↑1 I certainly do a decent job of it at times but we all reflect on reality based on our own wants, desires, prejudices, etc.

Crotchety

I got a very interesting email reply regarding some of my more recent posts. The person wasn’t ugly or rude but asked if I thought I was getting less flexible in my tolerance of others as I get older. This gave me pause to ponder as I’ve wondered the very same thing at times.

My answer is yes and no. I looked back over the last year of off/on posts and I don’t think I’m getting crotchety…yet! lol I haven’t talked much about my personal growth later so yeah it seems I am more opinionated in many of my more recent posts. I can tell the person asking isn’t a long time reader because he would know those are pretty much parcel and post around here. I always have an opinion. But, I am willing to listen to other opinions on many issues and sometimes I even change my own.

I do think as I age though what used to be fleeting ideals have settled in my id. For my few looooong time readers, you’ll remember the struggles I’ve gone thru here. They are legion. And you’ll remember me referring to myself as a blank slate in some regards because I never felt like I was given a strong moral compass as a child. I had to choose which paths in life to take and part of that was how I wanted to be as a person. I have a strong moral compass now. It may not be the norm or even acceptable to others but it guides me in all that I do. I still try to live by the Golden Rule, love, acceptance, tolerance, kindness, and compassion. And thru that I’ve grown from trying to figure out who I am to knowing who I am. I still struggle, as should we all, with things but my id is more formed today. Life, age, experience, mistakes, and wisdom all had a hand it that of course. Am I still fallible? Of course I am! As evidenced by last failed-LTR. I went into it with blinders on and am still feeling the repercussions as a result. And yes, I still have baggage that I carry around with me. I’m happy that it has been reduced to a single carry-on vs a whole family set. hehehe

So yes, I do think I am a tad less flexible in some ways. The irony here is had I been more less-flexible, my last LTR would not have turned into an LTR. Actually, that is only partially true. I had also transferred somer personal demons into the mix that contributed greatly. Anyway, there are many things I used to ignore or shrug off when I was younger. Now I just find I have less tolerance for what I see as bullshit. And if you drag me into your BS or drama, I’m more apt to tell you about it vs just walking away. The key I think is not to allow all the problems of others to become BS in my mind. That is the distinction. [1]There’s that word again. I just love it.

On the flip side, I’m still evolving as a human. I’m still learning and growing as a man and discovering more of what makes me tick. In that regard, I don’t think I’m inflexible at all. I actually believe I am very flexible, almost too much. In the end, I’m struggling for balance. And I believe therein lies the fundamental key; finding a balance between beliefs and ideals while still being accepting of others or willing to see outside of my own box, so to speak.

So, there is your answer dear reader and thanks for being willing to broach the subject with me.

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↑1 There’s that word again. I just love it.

Resolute Poot

So 2011 is over and I couldn’t be happier to see it go. I was off from work this year for NYE, thankfully. My NYE consisted of sushi early enough to avoid the crowds and cheesy/funny kung-fu movies on the TV with Cooper passed out next to me. I caught the ball-drop on Tivo.

It was an absolute shitty year for me personally and I’m more than ready for 2012, our last year together. [1]According to the lunies, the world will end this year because the Mayan’s decided to stop counting at 2012. It’s been one shitstorm after another this year: the relationship ending, pay cuts at work, Spike getting sick and then later having to be put to sleep, and not to mention my debt.  I’m hopeful 2012 will be better for me. I’d never say it can’t get worse but I sure hope not. lol

My only resolution this year is to focus on getting my life back together. I’m faced with some difficult choices in the next couple months. As mentioned, I have a few blog posts backed up from the WordPress snafu. Once those roll out, the blog might go dark for a few weeks until I get things sorted. It all depends on how things go.

The one bright spot in 2011 was the arrival of little Cooper. He brings me joy every day. Speaking of, he has also settled in quite well to his new home. One has only to observe the changes in his behavior to know he is happy and content. He is still having potty episodes but they are getting farther and farther apart. [2]Here’s hoping my carpet survives! lol Of course, he still farts like a demon that’s been gang-banged by a stink bomb. Seriously, I’m surprised the paint isn’t pealing yet. heehee Regardless, I love him.

On a side rant, it is amazing how much joy and contentment an animal can bring to one’s life. Growing up the way I did, I tend to be very independent. But I tell you this, having an animal with such unconditional love and faith in me is very rewarding. And, I honestly think if he were not around I would have slipped back into depression over the current state of things.

Anyway, here’s to our last year together. I hope everyone had a pleasant and safe holiday season. Best wishes to you all in 2012! And as I am sometimes fond of saying, ‘hope springs eternal!‘

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↑1 According to the lunies, the world will end this year because the Mayan’s decided to stop counting at 2012.
↑2 Here’s hoping my carpet survives! lol

You Again?

It seems the blogging bug has bitten me again. I go in phases so it’s not surprising that I’m back at it. I am a bit surprised at the number of hits I still get considering my lack of blogging lately. I’m by no means a heavy hitter in the blogosphere but I seem to have a strong contingent of faithful readers. (Of which, I’m glad you stick with me or have stuck with me all this years.)

My free time is still limited these days so finding time to sit down and hammer out my thoughts is not as easy as it used to be. Of course as always, twitter, Facebook, and now Google Plus eats up a lot of my spur of the moment thoughts/comments. [1]I’m finding I spend less and less time on FB/Twitter.

I’ve been considering writing a book and self-publishing thru Amazon or the likes. Lawd only knows where I’d find the free time to do that. I can barely keep up with my blog. That said I’m sure there is lots I can go back over and boost myself along. I’m still undecided if I will but it’s an idea. Not to mention, I’m still working on ideas for my next tattoo. Apple guy (Shane) got a new tattoo in honor of Spike’s passing a couple weeks ago and it definitely spurred my interest again.

So here’s hoping the bug sticks with me for awhile.

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↑1 I’m finding I spend less and less time on FB/Twitter.

To Bear or Not to Bear

I was reading somewhere recently about how the “bear” community has become less inclusive lately and more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. It was bound to happen eventually. This is the problem w/sub-cultures. They start out with the purpose to unite those who fit a certain quality but then turn sour when said group becomes more prolific. I hate to say it but I’ve noticed it a bit myself over the last few years.

It is human nature to want to belong and feel connected to others like ourselves. Its vital to our growth to find others we can identify with. Growing up generally ostracized and excluded by society at large, I think the need is that much greater among gays. [1]and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks. Being able to identify with others helps reinforce our own self-worth and self-image. Speaking from my own experiences, I can tell you the drive to belong can be very powerful. I spent many years pretending to be someone I wasn’t in an effort to belong and just as many years figuring out how to belong when I didn’t really identify wholly with one group or another. It definitely stunted my own self-worth. And while I didn’t take the darker path, the drive to fit-in can lead to destructive behaviors.

While many find “coming out” a completely liberating experience, others often find it less than appealing and almost anti-climatic. While the basic same-sex attraction can be a very unifying experience, it is by no means all-encompassing. Being gay is an intrinsic part of who we are but it isn’t all we are. Being gay gives us a commonality but it isn’t always a binding one in itself. A lot of folks discover we don’t quite fit the stereotype(s) and are left searching for our own niche, hence the sub-cultures.

While beneficial on the surface, there is a danger of said sub-cultures if they become too defining. Identifying solely as such tends to limit one’s growth and self-expression. We become locked in an ideology that leaves very little room for change. Not to mention, it can also be very subjective. Ask 10 random people the definition of a [insert sub-culture of choice here] and I’ll bet no 2 answers will be the same. And then over time, what started as a simple attempt to fit in, becomes the very thing we sought to avoid.

Of course, our sexuality does play a huge part. Our attraction (or not) is often interwoven into all of the above. On the flip-side, it also has to do with our self-worth and feeling attractive. I’ve often said and it bears repeating attraction and acceptance are not the same thing. A very important and often over looked distinction.

For myself, I was fortunate enough to discover I didn’t need to fit one specific mold or stereotype to fit in. It didn’t happen right away mind you. There are aspects of my personality and id that cross several sub-cultures, cliques, or whatever and I’m cool with that. I work out w/o being a gym bunny or meat head. I have bearish qualities w/o being a bear. I can wear/appreciate leather w/o being absorbed by it. These are just a few, there are definitely more. Whether you identify w/a particular group, club, clique, gang, whatever you call it, I would encourage anyone reading this to allow yourself to accept others for who they are not what they represent. Don’t allow your attraction (or the lack of) influence your acceptance of others.

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↑1 and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks.

Snip Snip

In case you missed it, recently a bunch of folks managed to gather enough signatures to put an initiative on the ballot that would ban circumcision in SF. It made national news due to the oddity of such an initiative. Of course as usual, everyone starts over-generalizing about ‘liberal SF’.  I’ll be the first to admit people here are so initiative happy it borders on hysterical. [1]Seriously, if you can get enough signatures, you can put virtually anything on the ballot for people to vote on. Some things should require a little more review and decision making before just putting it to a vote. But while it was a bit of an extreme, the idea itself did have some merit IMHO.

Anyway, I knew right up front the initiative would fail. One, it didn’t allow religious exemptions and two it was very poorly written and overly broad. Circumcision has been part of “religious” ceremonies long enough it would take some serious doing to get something passed that didn’t include said exemptions. Being overly broad, it would have also created to many legal problems for enforcement. In the end, a judge actually ordered it removed from the ballot before it even went to a vote. That in itself is rare so that should tell you just how poorly it was written.

Frankly, I don’t think the government should be legislating something like this. I also think that we’ve become overly dependent on such an unnecessary procedure. While rare, there can be complications from a circumcision. And once done, its very hard to undo and even then its usually not the same. Why risk it unless its necessary? It is true circumcision has shown to be slightly more effective at preventing the spread of HIV. But the studies mentioned were for 3rd-world countries that don’t have ready access to clean water, good hygiene, medicines, etc. How very convenient to leave that detail out. lol And yes, there are cases where it ends up being medically necessary. But said complications are the exception not the rule.

Most people hide behind the “medical benefits” of circumcision to cover up the fact they are just uncomfortable with it. Cosmetically, it may look nicer but that shouldn’t out-weigh common-sense. Making a decision for your child based on a purely cosmetic preference is a bit selfish and extreme. Frankly, I’m glad I still have my hood. Its not overly pronounced or anything weird. When I’m “excited” you barely even notice. Side note here: One time after a “biblical encounter” with a guy, he went off on a tangent about it saying how he disliked it. Wasn’t he surprised when I pulled the sheet down and showed him! lolol True story!

Anyway, for .02, instead of coming up with more laws that limit social behavior, we should focus on community education. Communities rarely focus on public awareness campaigns anymore and its obviously showing. We’ve become a society fixated with telling people what they can/can’t do vs actually teaching people the pros/cons of their decisions.   /rant

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↑1 Seriously, if you can get enough signatures, you can put virtually anything on the ballot for people to vote on.

Quadra

If you’ve been following me on twitter, FB, +1, Foursquare, etc, you know I was down in Houston this past weekend for my friend Trevan’s birthday. He does a big shindig every year with 3 of his other friends to celebrate their mutual July birthdays. With the passing of one of the guys, they decided this was the last year for the big event. I didn’t get to go down last year so I had to make it this year. [1]Even though I couldn’t really afford it. Ain’t credit grand? On top of being the last year, one of our mutual friends, Michael W, came down as well. Its easily been a decade since all three of us have been together.

Trev and Mikey knew each other about a year or so before Trev and I met. The three of us have known each other for right at two decades now. Needless to say, it was great to catch up and see them. Trev and I always have fun together and when you throw Mikey in the mix, it promises to be a fun-filled occasion. So naturally, I had a blast. heehee

Being a special occasion and a much needed pick me up, I had a lot to drink. There was the pool party on Saturday w/open bar followed by the big birthday celebration itself that night…more drinks. lol   Sunday was brunch at Baba Yega’s….endless mimosas. Dinner at Barnaby’s. After dinner, you guessed it, more booze at a couple of the local bars. lol Oh but I ain’t done yet. My flight home was delayed by two hours. I promptly made friends with my row mates. We proceeded to buy each other drinks thru our 4 1/2 hour flight (courtesy of a 20-30 minute holding pattern once we actually go to SFO). Oh yes, we had a blast. Thank the stars I didn’t have in-flight wifi cause the updates might have been NSFW!

Anyway, seeing them brought back a lot of memories of our times together and in general. Mikey and I were talking one night and he asked if Trevan was the only reason I still came back to Texas. My answer, without any hesitation was yes.  It actually surprised me a bit because I kind of always thought I’d have ties to the area. It struck me now that my little brother has moved up to Tennessee, I haven’t really felt drawn to go back, other than to see Trevan. I have other friends there [2]including my new in-person friend Darrel from twitter. Hi Darrel! lol and this is no discredit to them but I’ve known Trevan a long time. If he moved away, I doubt I’d go back much at all. Oh, I’d still get back at times but the frequency would be greatly diminished. My point of this sort of off topic rant is I made the right choice to leave. I have absolutely no regrets and every time I do go back, the reminders seem to be that much stronger.

So, I’m on vacation for the rest of the week. Nothing else planned other than detoxing. I ate so much Whataburger I’m sure I need a few extra days of cardio not to mention purging the remnants of the gallons of booze I consumed while there (and en route back).

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↑1 Even though I couldn’t really afford it. Ain’t credit grand?
↑2 including my new in-person friend Darrel from twitter. Hi Darrel! lol

Werk

I’ve been neglecting the blog again. *shame shame*

Anyway, I’ve lost most of the holiday/accident fat weight I gained from October to February. I have about 10 pounds to go before I’m back to my normal threshold. I’m not pushing it hard as I simply don’t mind but it feels good to be looking svelte again. hehehe

I’m not quite back to my old max weights yet in the gym but getting closer. The shoulder is doing good and no latent pain. [1]A very good thing!  I’m taking the opportunity to expand my workouts. I worked out with Apple guy one day a while back and did legs. I don’t do leg weights often as I walk a lot. I wasn’t nearly as bad or weak as I expected. I couldn’t keep up with him but I did pretty well considering. Of course, my damn legs were so sore over the next 3 days I could bare walk. I almost fell down the stairs at work several times. lolol

Speaking of, I love my little workout app on the Android. Its called Workout Coach and does an excellent job of helping track my progress. Its not overly robust with pre-installed exercises but that’s a small price to pay for usability. It hasn’t been updated in a long time though. I’m ‘scurred’ the app owner has abandoned it. I’d gladly donate to keep him working on it.

Thanks to everyone for all the well wishes via twitter, FB, loopt, etc on being back in the gym and on the bike! Its definitely helping my moods.

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↑1 A very good thing!

Random Schmandom

I’m pulling a ‘palin’ and making up words again. lol Anyhoo, I survived the 40th birthday. Actually, it was very low key and relaxed. Apple guy and I spent a day at Golden Gate park and a nice simple dinner. I’m not big on celebrating my birthday but it was very enjoyable. Yes, I did the obligatory going out to drink with friends. That said, I enjoyed the day at the park more. [1]Of course, I haven’t been huge on bars for years.

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In other news, I’ve been getting a lot of meme requests lately. Sorry to disappoint but I hate those things and rarely do them. Every now and then I find one that strikes my fancy but it is rare. I appreciate the offer but don’t be upset if I don’t.

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Apple guy and I spent this weekend finishing some projects around the apt. We also spent time on repeated trips to Target and Home Depot. He is very handy and always reminds me how easy some tasks can be when one applies oneself. I’d rather just pay someone else to do it. lol Ok, that’s only half true. Work takes a lot out of me and I’ll admit I rarely feel up to doing stuff that I consider to be “chores” around the house. I always help (as if I had a choice) when he does but he obviously enjoys it. I wish I got as much excitement out of it as he does. I’m just happy he’s happy and whatever makes him happy, I’m all about. *g*  He also gets huge props for turning my bachelor bad into a very comfy home for us both. I don’t even recognize the apt from then and now.

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One of Apple guy’s friends had a sick doggy last week. The doggy is up there in years. This made me think of Spike and I honestly don’t know what I’m gonna do when he starts declining. He is doing remarkably well for his 8 years but we’ve noticed little signs lately that his age is catching up with him. I’ll be honest, I am gonna freak out if/when he does gets sick. I have never in my life been so attached to an animal. I honestly don’t understand it either. lol Growing up on a farm the way I did, we were always taught that animals come and go and not to invest too much energy in something that would end up being food later. Not that we’d eat dogs but the mentality carried over from our livestock to pets. I lost several pets as a kid and I can’t ever remembering being teary-eyed. I would be sad for sure just not all blubbery.  Hell, just the idea of Spike not being around makes me tear up. Seriously, I’m warning you now. I expect cards, gifts, and visits from all of you if/when Spike reaches his golden moment.

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↑1 Of course, I haven’t been huge on bars for years.