Category: me

Poor vs Pride

With mixed feelings, I write todays blog. I’m coming up very short on finances for the trip home to see my father before he passes. None of the airlines offer cheap fare for last wishes blah blah blah. The few who do offer bereavement fare only do so AFTER the person is dead. Well, what good does that do me. So, my buddy suggested I solicit donations via paypal. My first response was no. However, as his condition gets worse I’m forced to reconsider. I figure if guys can solicit money to cover their blogs then I can do it for a much more worthy cause.

So without further ado, I have added a paypal button. If you can afford it and donate, I’m forever in your debt. If not, don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is, nothing more.

Wrinkle me this….

Trying to pull myself out of my glum mood I thought I’d tackle a topic that hit me yesterday at the gym. . . I found my first wrinkle! Well ok, probably not my first but, the first one that I really notice. Its a laugh line across my forehead. I saw it and thought maybe I’d been in the steam room too long or something. Nope! Just a wrinkle. Of course, once I thought about it, I started giggling over the silliness of it. The irony is I’ll be 34 on Thursday (the 20th). Thirty four years old, unmarried……practically a hag! LOL

Hell, maybe by the time I reach 64 will have come up w/a way to clone me and then transfer my consciousness into a new and improved body! Wahooo! I’d have to suggest some subtle alerations of course. Wider cheek bones, bigger muscles, and maybe a head full of hair. Not much else I’d change about me. And those are only whims. I did ok in the gene pool. I could have been better but I could have been worse.

I have to go now, I hear Safeway is having a sale on Oil of Olay! *g*

Thank you

First, off thank to everyone who sent me such encouraging comments and emails regarding my father. It has been a surprisingly trying time for me so far w/the worst yet to come. Of course, my family is already at odds w/each other and bickering on how we will divide up the land. (My father has 50 acres of land out in East, TX) Money does strange things to people. Especially, poor people. But thats another story.

I went back and read the “history” entries and they seem a bit chaotic from the way I broke them up into seperate posts. I’ll try to condense them into one big giant post. I just thought one big one would be too much. I know I get bored quickly sometimes when someone just goes ON AND ON on a blog. *g*

Anyway, thanks again, I am truly touched.

The Pending Death of My Father

My rants have been kinda limited lately. I’ve been dealing w/some bad news I got this week. I haven’t quite digested all of it until now.

My father has been battling lung cancer for the past year. He had a grapefruit sized tumor removed from his upper left lung back in October. They discovered recently it has metastasized into his hip bones. This type of cancer is not treatable and non-operable. Basically, right now he is in a hospice testing his tolerance for pain and what meds are most effective at the smallest dosage. Once that’s over, he gets to go home to live out his remaining days. There is zero hope of recovery.

Now for those of you that know me, you know there isn’t much love loss between my family and myself. Mainly over my coming out nightmare. But that’s sorta just the icing on the cake so to speak. My childhood evolved from one tragedy to the next and its not a part of my life that I reflect upon often. To understand my thoughts now, its probably best if you go back and read the history. Otherwise, the context of the next paragraph will be completely lost on you. I often use harsh sarcasm and puns to describe my family. (ie…if you trace the roots of white trash back to its origins, you’d find my family tree)

This news has brought forth a few inner demons I thought long exorcized. In trying to resolve some of the conflicting emotions, I’ve come to realize I still love my father. Not as deeply as the normal father/son relationship but love nonetheless. Honestly, this is a bit of a surprise. I often joke that his passing would be a release. The same release that I welcomed when my step mother, Satan-in-drag, finally died and left us for the underworld. (Like I said, you need to read the history.) I find myself wishing he wasn’t sick and I keep asking myself why. He robbed me of so much as a child and as an adult why should I love him? I never got to do ANY of the father/son things that fathers do w/their kids. He doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves the love of a child they so harshly abandoned. The only good memories I have of him are back when I was very young before the death of my foster mother. Everything after that is just ugly.

Deserving or not, I did forgive him. I find that I don’t care about the reasons. My father and I currently have a very distant relationship. I see him about once a year and I never make more than a day of it. We talk, catch up on our lives, and I quickly realize why I fled bum fuck nowhere Texas ages ago. So, now I’m in the position to cause harm or comfort. I find myself only wanting to comfort him. I guess that says good things about me. I just can’t help thinking about all the things that could have been had he not been so closed minded.

Life – What Life?

As stated in one of my many previous rants, my social life is gonna take a dive for the next few months. I need to start working extra overtime to catch up on my finances as well as put away a small nest egg to help w/tuition. Even though I had to put it off due to the 2-faced, back stabbing, piece of shit that works downstairs, I still plan on starting my paramedic training this year (yeah, I’m still bitter). I’m hoping to upgrade my beat up scooter to a full fledged motorcycle in the latter half of the year as well. Can you say “mucho dinero”?

So with work, overtime, the charity, and gym, not much room for anything else I’m afraid. Thats ok though. I realize its only temporary. Besides, I have you, my loyal readers. (all 12 of you) The good news is my blog just be bursting w/info, annoyances and my simplest of rants on a daily basis.

? Hold Music ?

I absolutely detest automated phone systems. I recently bought a backpack for my new laptop from Dell. The laptop is beautiful and working flawlessly. The backpack itself is fine its just not the right size. Ok, more correctly, it is the right size however, they neglect to tell you the inside fitting for the laptop is much much smaller. I’m a frequent online shopper so this speed bump is not completely unexpected.

The packaging slip says I have to call to get a return shipping # before I can actually return the package. It specifically states I must call not go online.

Issue #1:
I spent 25 minutes on hold. Not a good first impression as far as I’m concerned. So while I’m painfully being submitted to monotonous hold music I discover I can, in fact, go online for the same information. I go online searching for return info. Again, navigation issues from hell.

Issue #2:
Every possible question but ‘returns’ seems to be answered in the online F.A.Q. (frequently asked questions). Finding none of the required information, I end up on a blank ‘contact us’ form. Only at this point, does it give me a place to go for the needed info. Once there, getting the number was simplicity itself.

I’m only annoyed because Dell sings constantly about their fabulous customer support. Well, I can tell you from personal experience, it ain’t that fabulous. If I had to rate it, I’d give it a flat “average”. The simplicity of ordering and receiving goods is darkly shadowed by such a poor follow up nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, in the age of automation and mega corporations I realize there cannot be a live body to answer my every whim of a question. However, as a rule to avoid confusion, you should never have a phone/online tree going more than 3 options deep. Anything beyond that is just pointless and a waste of time.

So to all you big wigs you read my blog (yeah, and pigs might fly out of my butt!), take note….NO FREAKING ENDLESS PHONE TREES!!!!!

*sighs* I feel better now.

Still Blech

I feel better today. No sore throat or cough but I still feel icky. I also had NOOOO patience for the clerk today at Firewood in the Castro. Its the lunch time rush and there is a line of about 5 people. Naturally, only one guy was working the register. So, he finally gets to me then stops right after asking me what I wanted and took 2 to go orders. I snapped a curt response when he finally got back to me.

On a good note, I got paid today! My paycheck was more than I anticipated so I’m a step closer to digging myself out of the whole I’m in. Maybe there is hope for my mood after all.

Torn Muscle

I tore my right tricep at the gym today. It is my own fault as I tried too hard after my first day back. The good news is the tear wasn’t too bad but I’m done w/triceps for at least 2 weeks. That pisses me off cause I ‘loves’ my triceps. *g*

I get tickled sometimes when I’m looking in the mirror while working out. Slowly, my inner view of myself is changing to match the outside. A lot of times, I still see myself as the same skinny scrawny guy from back in my 20’s. While doing shoulders today, I got such a kick out of watching my muscles flare while working out. I thought to myself, “I’d fuck me”.

*giggling uncontrollably now*

I just now Freud would have a field day w/that one!

Feeling Better

Well, It’s around 8:45 and I’m feeling better. My sore throat has almost disappeared completely. Just a touch of a cough so I’m hopeful this is the worst of it. *crosses fingers*

I tried to just take it easy and goof off. Went for lunch at Before & After, it was tasty as usual. I did end up going to the movies. I don’t recommend Darkness. Totally sucked! The few scary scenes were ruined by a very unconnected plot. Nothing makes sense till the very end and by that point you are over it. It definitely wasn’t worth the $8.00. And for me to say that, it really sucks!

So, I finally managed to venture out a bit. I made it down to Castro. Of course, as soon as I got here it started raining again. Not as bad as previous days but still yucky. Not to mention, these 3 rather large queens have parked themselves directly behind me while having a non stop tirade of criticisms of the sex ads on Craigs List. Being far from a prude myself, I’m not casting stones. However, 2 hours nonstop of “oh nice cock” and “great ass” and in the same breath, “oh he is a stuck up fag” or “he thinks he is too good for us” gets annoying to say the least. I wanted to say something incredibly tacky/caddy all in one breath but then thought again of my karma and how well its been treating me. I kept my mouth shut! That said, God! I hope I was never that desperate.

*dramatic pause while thinking back thru the years of my life*

Naaaah.

Blech

I’m not feeling well today. I came home last night w/sore throat. Today, the sore throat is just a dull throb but, I’m feeling irritable and cranky so decided to stay home. No gym today either. I find that if I cut back on my exertions up front, I tend to recover a lot quicker. I hope it doesn’t get any worse. I’m fortunate in that I rarely get sick. But when I do, OY vey! And to top it off, I’m a miserable sick person. I turn into a cranky toddler who wants everything now now NOW!

Of course, going out w/a friend drinking last night didn’t help any. However, he seems to have developed a stalker of sorts and needed some advice so how could I say no? *g*

So anyway, there is this little Thai place down the block from me, Before & After. They have the best seafood noodle soup. YUMMY! Maybe afterwards I’ll take in a movie. I still haven’t seen Darkness, White Noise, or National Treasure. None of which have made box office news but that’s never the point of going to a movie. It’s times like these I’m thankful I live in such a densely populated area of the city. Everything is within blocks.

On a side note, my ex finally got a job. (Tell it on the mountains, call down the saints!) He actually starts today.