Category: me

Well, I’m home again. Boy am I glad to be home! The trip took alot out of me. I think more than I was originally willing to admit. Anyway, I’ve pieced together my ramblings while away. **Its took me several days to get this into a form the I feel truly expresses the power of the ordeal**

How does one close the book on a lifetime of avoidance? How do you comfort someone that you barely know in their darkest hour? How do you tell a total stranger you love him and mean it? These are just a few of the questions I pondered as I gazed on my bedridden father in the last days of his life.

The answer? The best way you can. He was in awful shape. Gone was the big strong man I remembered of youth. Gone was the dominant voice and powerful control of those around him. In its place was left a skeleton of a man, peeking out of a cancer ravaged body, holding onto the last thread of his life in the vain hope of a miracle. I have never felt such shame as I did then. I couldn’t even look him in the face at first. I think I focused so much on preparing my defenses, I forgot he is dying. As I gazed down on the man who caused me so much pain through out my life, I found my only thoughts were of comforting him. I never thought in a million years that by just being there this past weekend, I could bring him so much joy.

I have to stop now….

**I’m writing again, this time on the plane trip home**
How do I pick up where I left off? I can’t really think of a way that works so I’ll just dive back into it. I find I no longer care whether my father admits he was wrong for all the things he did to me. Sometimes you have to let go w/o getting a resolution. By letting go, you release yourself from the misery and pain of abuse. The breakup w/the ex taught me that. I can’t help but wonder if the breakup was a lesson learned to prepare me for this.

I think I was hoping to resolve my issues w/the family by making a last stand against them. Ain’t it funny how things never work out the way you expect? For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong to a family.

*The plane is landing, more later*

OY! I’m almost there. I’m in Dallas on a layover and I’ve had an upset stomach all day. Not sure if its because I didn’t get much sleep, I’m nervous, getting sick, or a little of all three. To top it off, I almost went to the wrong airport. I’m so used to flying out of Oakland I was on auto-pilot today and was 2 steps away from stepping on the Bart train in the wrong direction!

At the last minute, I thought to check the ticket and sure enough, I’m flying out of SFO! Of course, it takes about 15 minutes longer to get to SFO on Bart so I immediately start watching my watch to make sure I have enough time. Fate seemed to be on my side because everything went smoothly. I didn’t encounter a single glitch along the way. We even got to Dallas 20 minutes early. Of course, the plane before us hadn’t left yet so we got to spend the 20 minutes on the runway but I’m not complaining.

So here I sit, on the floor next to gate C33, waiting for the flight. The plane just arrived and appears to be on time.

Well, tomorrow is the big day. My flight leaves at 8:00am from SFO w/a brief layover in Dallas. I’m taking the laptop so maybe I’ll get lucky and snap off some pictures to post afterwards. I’m sure everyone is just dying to see the trailer house in all its glory. lol

I’m poking fun to avoid the issue. I’ve been jittery all week thinking about the coming drama. I found out my dad’s remaining siblings will be there as well. I’m expecting a shitstorm of drama. I’m as prepared as I can be I guess. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous. It’s hard to be self-righteous when you as ignorant as most of them are.

Ok, that was probably a little mean. I think my dander is up in preparation. Truthfully, I think my father’s family loves me in their own way. They just don’t know any better. They haven’t seen hide nor hair of me since I left home so I’m sure they are just as nervous about “you know so & so’s boy, the gay one” coming home. I’ll admit, I got a twisted tickle out of it when I heard that is how some of my relatives refer to me now. Forgetting for a moment, they were around thru most of my childhood. It’s like I’m some foreign object that has wedged itself in the stain that is our family. *g*

There is one Aunt, I’m hoping isn’t there. I used to be very close to her as a child. After leaving home, I stayed w/my grandmother the summer of my 16th birthday. She was very ill and no one else would take care of her. She was a feisty old woman and none of her ‘chirrens’ were willing to move in, so I did. Anyway, my fave Aunt’s youngest son, who was 5 years older than me came to stay as well. I adored him. Up until then, I’d always wanted him to be my brother. What I didn’t know is one of my brothers had told him “about” me. So one night, he wakes me up and wants to know if I’d be willing to ‘service’ him. I said no, so he told everyone that I attacked him in his sleep and tried to molest him. Hmmmmm, a 16yo attacking a 21yo in his sleep and winning? Does that sound any kind of reasonable? Well, they all decided it was my fault because of “you know, he IS that way”. Add one more item to the shit list.

After that my fave Aunt wouldn’t have anything to do with me. It was almost as painful as having my father kick me out. The only person who believed me was my grandmother. She saw right thru his lying ass and told him as much. She kicked him to the curb too. She told him he was never welcome in her home ever again until he admitted he had lied. To this day, I don’t know why see believed me over him. She died the following year. Being her spiteful self, when she divided up her meager belongings in her will, she left out the Aunt and gave me her portion. Wasn’t much but it helped me get into college. I never got to say thank you to that old woman. I think she knows though.

So, I’m hoping she, the Aunt, isn’t there. Mainly, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I just know she’ll bring it up out of anger and make me call her on it. Years later, her son went down a very destructive path and has been in constant trouble since. He was her pride and to have him turn out so bad was a big disappointment. What she doesn’t know is her son told my oldest brother he lied about it. And he will be there. A fight I’m hoping to avoid as I’m not the defenseless child she ‘cussed’ out oh so long ago.

God, how did I get off on this topic. I guess I’m dragging up old memories. I haven’t talked about the Aunt in the longest time. I wonder if she misses me?

Shizer! Gotta run, I was voted Treasurer for our Union Chapter at work recently and today is my first chapter meeting.