Ok, so take a gander at the time of my post. Yes, you read it right. I am just dragging my carcass home from my late night shenanigans. Its good to be home! I can’t believe I stayed out till freaking 5:00am in the morning! God, I haven’t done that since college. It was worth it though. I was a shameless flirt and loved it.
Well, I’m home to sleep the day away. Hope everyone is starting off their weekend w/a bang.
My apologies I’ve kinda been neglecting the blog this week. Been in a so/so mood since getting back from TX. Probably just need to recharge my batteries.
I’m looking forward to meeting Brat tomorrow. This will be our first in-the-flesh meeting so I’m all excited. He was one of my first blog buddies when I finally ventured into blogging last year. He sounds like he has a busy weekend lined up so I hope he manages to squeeze me in.
Been a bit busy this week as well. Monday & Tuesday are a bit of a blur. I think I was on auto-pilot. Wednesday, was I worked a short day. I’ve started Phase IV of Fire Training. (WTF you say?) San Francisco has a unique agency. When you call 911 for Police/Fire/EMS, the person who answers can help you. We don’t transfer you off to anyone else. We are one of a very few agencies w/the universal call-taker model. However, agencies all over the country are flocking to our Comm center to check it out. We took over Fire/EMS call taking 2 years ago. The last phase (phase IV) is taking over the Fire/EMS dispatch side of things. I’ve been detailed for the last two days. The bad part is I had to switch from evenings to mornings for the classroom part of the training. My body hasn’t been very happy about that. Hasn’t added to my mood one bit.
This is my first sat/sun off and I’m sooo looking forward to it! I finally get to have a semblance of a social life again. Wahooo!
A big thank you to all my blogging friends (and strangers) who sent such kind words of encouragement.
I haven’t quite caught up yet so if I haven’t gotten back to you personally, please bear w/me. I’m a bit backlogged. I took the laptop w/me but didn’t have a chance to update much from Nowhere, TX.
A big thank you to Carmen for his sheer tenacity. Apparently, he sat down and read the entire blog. You gotta give him kudos for having that much stamina. LOL *thanks for the link as well Carmen*
OY! Its good to be home. I’m almost recovered from the trip. I was so exhausted. The flight home was pretty uneventful. I managed to catch an earlier flight on the layover in Chicago. They didn’t charge me anything extra which was a big surprise. I don’t mind flying American but they use those tiny frelling S80 planes that get uncomfortable after about an hour.
Thoughts I pondered while away:
Other random bits of info.
My youngest brother is 9 years younger than me.
My oldest brother is 9 years older than me.
The Aunt I didn’t want to see wasn’t there. Apparently, she was told if she couldn’t keep her mouth shut to stay away until I left. I guess that was her answer.
The 2 other remaining Aunts were there. Neither of them recognized me until introduced by a sibling.
Everyone kept asking where my special friend was. I got so tickled by the attempt to include him I couldn’t tell them we weren’t’ together anymore.
A distant cousin came out to me in private. He wanted to know what it was like to take it like a man? My response, I’d have to show you to make you understand. Just kidding, I said it’s just like losing your cherry. Only you get to do it over and over and over. *g*
My gay brother [1]ok, straight w/gay tendencies is more like it. is remarried and has two kids now. He didn’t say more than two words to me the whole time I was there. *I feel sad for him*
Oh, and a tidbit I didn’t know…The entire clan thinks my first girlfriends kid is mine. How that happened I’ll never know. Considering the kid was born 2 1/2 years after we “did the deed” and looks nothing remotely like me.
I love Neanderthal looking men. Can’t help it. Guys w/over developed jaws and strong foreheads just do it for me. *had nothing to do w/the rant but just thought I’d slip that in there as one just walked by*
I still know how to call cattle.
I can still skin a deer in 20 minutes flat.
No matter where I go, home still feels like home.
References
| ↑1 | ok, straight w/gay tendencies is more like it. |
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Well, I’m home again. Boy am I glad to be home! The trip took alot out of me. I think more than I was originally willing to admit. Anyway, I’ve pieced together my ramblings while away. **Its took me several days to get this into a form the I feel truly expresses the power of the ordeal**
How does one close the book on a lifetime of avoidance? How do you comfort someone that you barely know in their darkest hour? How do you tell a total stranger you love him and mean it? These are just a few of the questions I pondered as I gazed on my bedridden father in the last days of his life.
The answer? The best way you can. He was in awful shape. Gone was the big strong man I remembered of youth. Gone was the dominant voice and powerful control of those around him. In its place was left a skeleton of a man, peeking out of a cancer ravaged body, holding onto the last thread of his life in the vain hope of a miracle. I have never felt such shame as I did then. I couldnt even look him in the face at first. I think I focused so much on preparing my defenses, I forgot he is dying. As I gazed down on the man who caused me so much pain through out my life, I found my only thoughts were of comforting him. I never thought in a million years that by just being there this past weekend, I could bring him so much joy.
I have to stop now .
**I’m writing again, this time on the plane trip home**
How do I pick up where I left off? I cant really think of a way that works so Ill just dive back into it. I find I no longer care whether my father admits he was wrong for all the things he did to me. Sometimes you have to let go w/o getting a resolution. By letting go, you release yourself from the misery and pain of abuse. The breakup w/the ex taught me that. I cant help but wonder if the breakup was a lesson learned to prepare me for this.
I think I was hoping to resolve my issues w/the family by making a last stand against them. Aint it funny how things never work out the way you expect? For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong to a family.
*The plane is landing, more later*
OY! I’m almost there. I’m in Dallas on a layover and I’ve had an upset stomach all day. Not sure if its because I didn’t get much sleep, I’m nervous, getting sick, or a little of all three. To top it off, I almost went to the wrong airport. I’m so used to flying out of Oakland I was on auto-pilot today and was 2 steps away from stepping on the Bart train in the wrong direction!
At the last minute, I thought to check the ticket and sure enough, I’m flying out of SFO! Of course, it takes about 15 minutes longer to get to SFO on Bart so I immediately start watching my watch to make sure I have enough time. Fate seemed to be on my side because everything went smoothly. I didn’t encounter a single glitch along the way. We even got to Dallas 20 minutes early. Of course, the plane before us hadn’t left yet so we got to spend the 20 minutes on the runway but I’m not complaining.
So here I sit, on the floor next to gate C33, waiting for the flight. The plane just arrived and appears to be on time.
Well, tomorrow is the big day. My flight leaves at 8:00am from SFO w/a brief layover in Dallas. I’m taking the laptop so maybe I’ll get lucky and snap off some pictures to post afterwards. I’m sure everyone is just dying to see the trailer house in all its glory. lol
I’m poking fun to avoid the issue. I’ve been jittery all week thinking about the coming drama. I found out my dad’s remaining siblings will be there as well. I’m expecting a shitstorm of drama. I’m as prepared as I can be I guess. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous. It’s hard to be self-righteous when you as ignorant as most of them are.
Ok, that was probably a little mean. I think my dander is up in preparation. Truthfully, I think my father’s family loves me in their own way. They just don’t know any better. They haven’t seen hide nor hair of me since I left home so I’m sure they are just as nervous about “you know so & so’s boy, the gay one” coming home. I’ll admit, I got a twisted tickle out of it when I heard that is how some of my relatives refer to me now. Forgetting for a moment, they were around thru most of my childhood. It’s like I’m some foreign object that has wedged itself in the stain that is our family. *g*
There is one Aunt, I’m hoping isn’t there. I used to be very close to her as a child. After leaving home, I stayed w/my grandmother the summer of my 16th birthday. She was very ill and no one else would take care of her. She was a feisty old woman and none of her ‘chirrens’ were willing to move in, so I did. Anyway, my fave Aunt’s youngest son, who was 5 years older than me came to stay as well. I adored him. Up until then, I’d always wanted him to be my brother. What I didn’t know is one of my brothers had told him “about” me. So one night, he wakes me up and wants to know if I’d be willing to ‘service’ him. I said no, so he told everyone that I attacked him in his sleep and tried to molest him. Hmmmmm, a 16yo attacking a 21yo in his sleep and winning? Does that sound any kind of reasonable? Well, they all decided it was my fault because of “you know, he IS that way”. Add one more item to the shit list.
After that my fave Aunt wouldn’t have anything to do with me. It was almost as painful as having my father kick me out. The only person who believed me was my grandmother. She saw right thru his lying ass and told him as much. She kicked him to the curb too. She told him he was never welcome in her home ever again until he admitted he had lied. To this day, I don’t know why see believed me over him. She died the following year. Being her spiteful self, when she divided up her meager belongings in her will, she left out the Aunt and gave me her portion. Wasn’t much but it helped me get into college. I never got to say thank you to that old woman. I think she knows though.
So, I’m hoping she, the Aunt, isn’t there. Mainly, I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I just know she’ll bring it up out of anger and make me call her on it. Years later, her son went down a very destructive path and has been in constant trouble since. He was her pride and to have him turn out so bad was a big disappointment. What she doesn’t know is her son told my oldest brother he lied about it. And he will be there. A fight I’m hoping to avoid as I’m not the defenseless child she ‘cussed’ out oh so long ago.
God, how did I get off on this topic. I guess I’m dragging up old memories. I haven’t talked about the Aunt in the longest time. I wonder if she misses me?
Shizer! Gotta run, I was voted Treasurer for our Union Chapter at work recently and today is my first chapter meeting.
I realized after an incident today that I have finally achieved the maturity that comes w/adulthood. If such a thing were possible. [1]My friend Bobby will get such a kick out of this story only because he thinks everyone in SF is stuck up. So Bobby, it finally happened! I got snubbed.
I’m leaving the gym today and this rather attractive fellow was in the locker room preening like a peacock. Ok, let me re-phrase that. This very attractive and very well built fellow was preening in the locker room today. I’m doing my thing, as usual, and can’t help but stare just a bit. He keeps doing all these little obvious tricks to flex a muscle or expose a hidden area. All w/a not so random randomness. After about 10 minutes of this, I’m getting rather bored as that’s all he is doing. I finish my business and I’m about to leave when he crosses my path. Now I don’t know if was offended that I didn’t gawk more or because I didn’t pursue him further. Either way, he gives me this very disdainful once over look and snorts right in front of me as if to say, “your pathetic and nowhere near my league“. And for once in my life, I didn’t give a shit. I wasn’t even offended. I giggled as I shook my head and walked out. Not only that, I got the distinct pleasure of hearing him throw his gym bag down as I descended the stairs.
Let me explain a bit. Just a few years ago, I would have probably done the same thing however, I would have been wounded inside and felt inferior. I would have called him all kinds of horrible names in my mind like poopoo-head or snooty patooty. (where do kids come up w/these names?) All the reasons why don’t really matter at this point. What does matter, is that I didn’t even begin down that demoralizing path of reasoning this time. Jesus H Christ, Mary, Joseph, & David! Maybe there is hope for me in this life after all!
References
| ↑1 | My friend Bobby will get such a kick out of this story only because he thinks everyone in SF is stuck up. |
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This past Thursday I was hanging out at the Powerhouse for the Bare Chest Calendar contest. I’m not required to be there since I’m just doing the website. However, my friend Tim is always trying to drag me to a bar so I thought I’d kill two birds w/one stone. [1]Don’t ya like the way I shoved it off on you Tim? It really is all your fault.
So I’m hanging out and Norm, one of the photographers, snapped this shot of myself and one of the calendar husbands. (meaning his partner is involved in the event) Not my best shot but I ain’t afraid to let it all hang out. *g*
February 3rd
References
| ↑1 | Don’t ya like the way I shoved it off on you Tim? It really is all your fault. |
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I did my good deed for the day. I’m in the Castro having dinner w/my friend Bobby. Afterwards, as we are leaving, we notice someone had left their car keys dangling in the door to their BMW. Yes, you read it right, a BMW. There they were, clear as day, sitting in the passenger side door. Luckily enough, one of the waiters where we had just finished eating had seen the owner and gave us a good description. So I walked up/down the block, bobbing in/out of store fronts looking for said owner. No one really matching the description was around so I gave up, left a note on the car, and turned the keys over to the same employee who’d seen the driver.
As I’m leaving, I decide to stop into Walgreens to pick up some breath mints. [1]I had the clam chowder As I’m searching for just the right mints to counteract my killer fish breath, a man bumps into me in a bit of a rush. He matched the description and I could tell he was a bit frazzled. I asked him politely if he was alright. You guessed it, he was freaking out because he couldn’t find his car keys. So after asking for a detailed description of the vehicle and where it was parked, I felt safe it was his. I told him what happened and where I’d left the keys. He was so excited he grabbed me in a big bear hug.
I just gave my karma big boost for today!
References
| ↑1 | I had the clam chowder |
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