One of the things I’ve been annoyed w/myself about lately is my gym schedule. I’ve steadily been getting worse and worse. Everything from missing days to only half ass working out while I’m there.
Today, I really pushed myself to get their on time (for me) and to do a complete workout. I had to drop weight on several exercises toward the end but it felt so good to do a complete workout. I left in a great mood for my first day back to work after my short vacation.
*Todays post is a bit personal and meant more for me than you, my readers.*
I swear I need prosaic or something. Yesterday, everything was right as rain w/the world and today I’m in a funk. It could be I have been keeping myself distracted lately. Today, with nothing planned and nothing occupying my time, I’ve run out of distractions. I’m not depressed but something is nagging at me. This week has been relaxing to say the least so that can’t be it. Or maybe it is. Mabye not being rushed to get shit done or work, issues that have been pushed aside are beginning to surface. Yeah, I think that’s it. Someone call Dr. Phil and tell’em he is out of a job! Work has been blessfully busy. (I can’t believe I just said that!) And being busy keeps me preoccupied.
And the bitchin part is that I don’t think it’s just one thing. I mean if it were, I’d be able to pin it down. I am a little annoyed w/myself. Here it is July (mid year) and I’ve only accomplished one of my resolutions for the year so far. (I was supposed to have 3 or 4 done by now.) I often bitch to people that you have to lead your life and not let it lead you. And what am I doing. . . letting my life lead me. Add to that lately, I’ve had a strong desire to start dating again. Something is majorly up w/my id. (I say this because I only get this way when I’m obsessing or insecure about something.)
Other than work, there are not many big problems w/life at the moment. Of course, a drama free life doesn’t automatically equate happiness I suppose. So here I sit asking myself ‘whats up?’ Is it lonliness, bitterness, resentment, vulnerability? I don’t really feel any one thing profoundly. Maybe it is a combination of all of the above. Not enough to keep me down. But maybe it is all colliding together and building up. Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I alone? Certainly not. Bitterness? I honestly don’t know. Resentment? Yes, a little. As hard as I try the old feelings of uselessness still surface sometimes. The feeling 0f being cast aside like yesterdays garbage. Vulnerable? I think insecure better sums it up.
Now that I think about it, I think meeting Bud sort of set me off. Bud is the guy I met from Tribe this past week. I found myself very attracted to him and I think he felt the same way. I ran into Tim one day while he was here and he said I was ‘glowing’. And it’s true. I do ‘glow’ a bit when I’m excited about someone. I’m digressing a bit here, back to the story. Of course, knowing anything beyond casual friendship was out of the question, I think I felt rejected (again). And the silly part is I KNOW it wasn’t that at all. I was never his enough to be rejected. It was a chance encounter that turned out great is all. But my head and heart aren’t always on the same page it seems. So I guess, maybe meeting Bud pushed everything else into motion. (And on a side note, I admitted a crush to a guy I like from the gym. No clue yet where that might lead if anywhere.)
I think another issue might be I’m tired. Tired of always trying to validate people around me w/o getting any myself. Is that selfish? I don’t know. By validate I mean uplift, support, help, etc. I just know I always seem to be the one foregoing any sort of validation for myself for the sake of others. I don’t resent it usually as it comes naturally to me. I enjoy helping others. But lately, I think I’m feeling left out. (Again, w/the abandonment issues. Lord! Someone call Oprah.)
So now I have to ask myself, what do I do to fix it? I’m never one to bitch w/o a solution usually. Where do I go from here? For once, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what to do next. I need to do something as I’m sure these feelings will fester otherwise. *sigh* Maybe I need therapy. I think my insurance will cover it. Blogging normally helps me see things more clearly. Seeing it clearly isn’t always enough I guess. I say that now but maybe I’ll get an epiphany again!
*So afterwards, I reread this and it sounds so depressing. I’m not really depressed. I don’t think it’s gotten that far. Maybe a better description would be – I’m dissatisfied w/my life at the moment. I think that better reflects the way I’m feeling. Now I just need to figure out what the fuck to do!*
I’ve got the podcast setup so now what do I do? I haven’t really decided yet how I plan to go about it. Should I only podcast conversations I think relevant or should I podcast my regular blog entries for that extra ummph that is Moby? Shit, I dunno.
For now, I think I’ll randomly do audio for posts from home. But don’t hold me to it.
So here are a few photos. I don’t have any of Pride yet. I took my camera and forgot to take pics. I was sorta busy anyway.
Here is the Vallejo/SF ferry. I know, glam right?
Here is a pic of the returning ferry. I’m really impressed w/the camera. This pic was taken w/the my ferry at full speed. No blur at all.
Feed Me Seymoure! I’m being attacked by some bush that Bobby has taken a liken too. We drove half way across Vallejo just for this shot. JOY!
I had a pic of Bobby but I guess he didn’t like it as it is mysteriously missing from the camara. That’s ok, I’ll post this one instead.
Here he is doing his Jane Fonda at the park.
I had a meeting w/a fellow blogger this past weekend and WOW! Well, I say blogger but that is not really the case. He is a member of Tribe and we first met online there. I dont think he blogs per say. Anyway, he was here on business and we decided to meet. Not only is he incredibly handsome but smart too.
Long story cut short, we spent several days of quality time together talking and getting to know one another. I find myself entertaining daydreams of what could be. I could go on and on about the possibilities. Yeah yeah, I’m a dreamer but I’m a realist as well. Sometimes in life, you have encounters where you know so much more is possible if only If only what? If only he was single. If only he didnt live 3 states away. If only things were different. If only. Suffice it to say, I have a renewed faith in my ability to feel and desire.
I am grateful for our chance encounter. Who knows what the future holds. Hope springs eternal!
Pride weekend has come and gone. Im usually in the parade but I didnt really feel like it this year. Instead, I helped setup the BCC booth. The guys did a great job of selling the calendar and worked well all day together. (pictures later) The day was overcast and hella chilly. I spent as much time trying to keep warm as I did pushing the calendar. (And w/o a shirt on it was pretty damn hard.) I have a crush on one of the guys. He at least helped keep me warm w/a kiss every now and then. I did get quite a few compliments myself and several guys kept asking which month I was on. While Im happy w/my physique, I dont see myself as calendar material. Besides, Ive realized I prefer being behind the scenes doing things that make it look easy for everyone else. Hello! Im an Aquarian, its what we do.
Speaking of kissing, Mostovic made an appearance as well. He brought his cute little dog Huntien (spelling? Its German). Mostovic was in very good spirits. I think mainly because he recently signed a lease on a new apartment. Ill probably swing by next weekend to check it out. Its a tad further out than what he wanted but he really seems to like it. Time will tell I guess. Course, now because of the distance he might need to purchase a scooter.
At present moment, Im off to Valla-crack, aka Vallejo, to visit Bobby and fix his computer. All I can say is thank God he is pretty. You know he is a friend if Im willing to travel all the way to freakin Vallejo. Vallejo is an hours ride by ferry or road. I dont think it has any call to fame other than it is right off a freeway. I think it was just a small town that got lucky. Occasionally, I have to talk to their dispatchers and they are rude as hell. No love loss there.
In a testament to technology, I had a wifi connection way out in the middle of nowhere on the water. Albeit, for a brief shining moment and then poof! It was gone. I was hoping the ferries were wired for wifi but no such luck. *sniffle* I will welcome the day when wifi is so prevalent that you cant walk/ride/fly anywhere and still have a connection. Who am I kidding, Id stay wired in 24/7 if I could. (If you didnt think I was a geek before, that just confirmed it.)
Would ya look at the time! An hour has flown by and the ferry is about to dock. Well bitches (and I say that with the deepest love), Im off for now. More on my tribulations later.
As friends do, Bobby often teases me about my behavior. Never being the shy type, I often flirt openly w/handsome men. Doesn’t really matter where. (Well w/some exception but you get the point) I used to have a saying when I saw a hot guy, “ooooh, Hey Boy!” He has never let me live it down either. So now everytime we are together and I remark on someone rather stunning, he blurts it out ‘oooh, hey boy!’ Cracks me up every time. Today, on the way into the Castro I’m having a “oooh, hey boy!” moment when I lay eyes on a tranny coming home from a hard days work. She instantly reminded me of a character from Mad TV and I burst into hysterical laughter. The train was completely packed and I got more than a few glances from people. (Not that I’d ever care.) I couldn’t stop laughing. The irony of it was I think the tranny knew exactly what I was laughing about. She had a big smile on her face and made a motion from the character as she departed the train. I forget the name of the character but she is the blond one and in the skit she always has two high ponytails on the top front of her head and she randomly reaches and pulls on them while making a sort of screeching noise and describing some horrific moment in her tragic life. Of course, this sent me into barrels of laughter all over again. By the time I had myself under control again, the hottie had departed.
It made my evening.
I finally got around to booking my trip home. I’m headed home to ole Texas for one of my best friend’s birthday in mid July. The sassy one is turning 39 (I think). I missed last years as the ex had just started getting sick. This year, I planned ahead and got the time off so I can swing on down for quick ‘how do’ to the friends and family. The sassy one is headed up to Oklahoma the following weekend so I cut my trip short to accommodate his schedule. (Ok, the real reason is I can extend my Fort Lauderdale trip in November). shhhh!
Yes, I’ll be making a pilgrimage to see what is left of the clan. With the passing of my father, it’s just us siblings. Truthfully, I feel more connected to them than I have in a long time. That has to be way fu*ked up but nobody ever accused me of being normal. Anyway, after the birthday bash, I’m visiting the family to keep up my end of things. Oddly enough, I’m excited about going home. Not because it is Texas but mainly just to get away. I’ve been too cooped up in SF lately and it is time to get out of town. Even if it is just for a long weekend. I was hoping to swing by and visit the Texan, but he seems to have dropped off the face of blogging so that ain’t gonna happen. 🙁 So much for my blogger convention.
I’m on vacation starting Saturday. I was gonna fly home but instead I got a last minute deal on airfare so I’m off to Chicago to visit another friend.
Details as they come in….
Other than my overtime on Saturday, the weekend was nice. Bobby came down from Vallejo to hang w/moi. He has been bugging me to go to the Watergarden in San Jose. I finally relented. I figured worst case scenario I could lay out and get some sun on the buns. Their only call to fame is the nice patio. Course, it ain’t that nice for the price. And as it turned out, Bobby didn’t have a good time and was sourly disappointed. I on the other hand had a decent time and managed to get some sun as well.
I was a bit bummed I didn’t catch the opening of Batman Begins. However, I’ll probably catch it this weekend. Anyone else in my crew that didn’t see it, drop me a line.
Work is a pain. Our numbers are so low people are getting mandatoried almost daily now. Pray nothing happens here as we are not staffed to handle it if it does. I work enough voluntary overtime to avoid mandatory usually but it continues to get worse.
I’m behind on my blogroll. I’m been rolling thru today trying to catch up. So much going on lately everywhere it seems. Is it because today is the first day of summer? dunno.
Where does one draw the line between ignorance and arrogance? An issue has sort of been simmering in the back of my mind lately. I rarely blog about the ex anymore. Mainly, because I see no reason to go on and on about him when our lives are going separate directions. That said, this blog entry is more for me than anyone else.
The ex and I separated back in November 04. He had a house in another city which he decided to sell. The house sold a month ago. To date, he hasn’t offered me a single dime. He made over a 100k in profit. Do I think I deserve something? You betcha!
Flashback to a few years prior. The ex and I live apart for almost 2 years. During that 2 years, I helped him repair, repaint (inside and out), and redo basically every aspect of the house. Granted he did more than I but it is his house and he was living there. I was still living here. I commuted twice a month there and he here. We spent most of my time there working on the house. June of 03 we decided to move in together. He moved here and we got a place together. I agreed to pickup the rent and most of the expenses while he looked for work. He then became abruptly sick from a digestive problem. I won’t go into details but he was very sick for 6 months. Obviously, I took care of him and was glad to do it. He recovered. At this point, he made no efforts to find work. I continued to pay 90% of the expenses. A year later, things get ugly and we go our separate ways. I supported us for a year and half paying 90% of the communal bills, rent, etc and I get a couch, two end tables and a bed frame. Not really a balanced match if you ask me.
In our conversations, he knew I expected some sort of compensation for all my losses in the deal. Granted, I didn’t do it because I expected something in return. I was happy to do it out of love for him. I guess my error in judgement is that I assumed he would have enough decency and respect for me to make amends for the financial/mental abuse he put me thru. I’m learning this is just not the case. Even now, he is still bound to me on several levels that benefit him. So, I am beginning to ask myself, where does ignorance end and arrogance begin?
I have done right by him thru the whole ordeal. Granted I had some harsh things to say in the beginning. I’ll admit, it does gives me a small amount of joy that it annoys him when I post stuff about him here. I think because he is ashamed and doesn’t want others to know. But even when I do post about him, my comments are about my issues. My pain, anguish, disappointment, etc. I never attack him. The same cannot be said of him. The sad truth is even after everything, I still love him. I can’t turn those feelings off. I’ve moved on but my heart hasn’t forgotten.
Now I’m faced w/a choice of what to do. Do I continue being his friend even though he continues to disrespect me? Do I make a verbal attack on him and try to make him feel as bad as I do? Or do I just end the friendship and move on w/my life?