Category: me

I’m NOT Crazy!

The doc and I went over my blood panel from last week and the good news is I’m not crazy.  The bad news, my testosterone level was twice the normal range.  Didn’t have a clue as to why until we thought to check my prescription.  Turns out the pharmacy sent me the wrong dosage of delatestryl. [1]synthetic testosterone  The milligram to milliliter was double what it was supposed to be.  Can you say, “oops”?  

The doc said he was surprised I could even work w/all that juice running thru my veins.  Of course, not being able to workout at the time only added to the affect.  Luckily, the changes aren’t permanent and I’ve suffered no long term damage.  It will take almost a full month for my system to return to normal though. 

*

Of course, the other good thing is everyone got to hear me admit I get lonely.  hehehe.  Yes, even I get lonely at times.  And having somewhat of thick skin, I guess it is easy for me to hide.  Frankly, I’ve always seen loneliness as a useless emotion.  I often go out of my way to shun it within myself.  But, I’m realizing now it may serve a purpose.  It is ok to be lonely sometimes.  It is not ok to succumb to it and let it take over your life.

It’s funny because before all this happened I had a rather profound conversation with a friend one day.  He knows I’m fond of saying, “I try to be the type of man I’d like to date“.  His question was, “Say you do all this work to yourself.  You spend years even decades molding yourself into the type of person you wish to be.  And then you still don’t find anyone, was it worth it?”  And given my own recent Ricky Lake episode and some time to reflect on it, I think my answer is yes.  There are no guarantees in life.  And being a bit of a control freak you can imagine this next statement is like biting nails to me. lol  The only thing I truly have any control over is myself. 

*

So, even though my big meltdown was chemically induced, it showed me I have some work to do.  In a way, it is kind of liberating.  I feel the “ugly monster” is out in the open now and I can deal with it instead of trying to banish it to dark corners of my id.   Will I succeed?  Hell, I don’t know but, therein lies the struggle we all face, right?

References

References
↑1 synthetic testosterone

Still Kicking

Had a bit of a busy weekend. My friend Trev was in town from Houston. We don’t get to see each other as much as we used to so it was good to see him. He is going on a cruise tomorrow and promptly dragged me all over the city shopping for last minute “items”. [1]And ya know I was just kicking and screaming. lol Unfortunately, this led to some muscle spasms in my back and neck. Fast forward to my Chiro visit and I discovered I have whiplash from the accident. Not severe but still enough to cause problems when I stand or walk a lot. It is truly amazing how good you can feel from a good chiro adjustment. OY!

We also went to see “Burn After Reading”. It’s a dark comedy with Brad Pitt & George Clooney. There were some definite funny scenes and Brad Pitt’s character was hysterical. However, overall this is more of a DVD movie, IMHO. The build up was great and the acting was decent however, the ending was too quick and too convenient. It sort of spoils the mood the plot spends a lot of time building.

*

TFA is in town for a layover tonight so I get to see him too! I haven’t seen him since the accident so naturally I’m very “excited” about that. hehehe

*
The gym has been good. Ironically, the whiplash hasn’t affected me there at all. I think mostly because I haven’t incorporated any heavy back workouts into my routine yet. Today was supposed to be my back however, I switched to arms. I have no desire to re-injure myself in any capacity. That said, I am so happy to be working out again. The arm workout was great and the endorphins were even better. I also ran into “pubis boy” while I was there. It was all I could do not to pounce on him. lol

*
Overall, it seems I am, in fact, my old self again. The violent mood swings and paranoia have definitely subsided. I’m still scheduled to see my doc tomorrow. I had my blood work done last week so he should have some answers for me one way or another.

References

References
↑1 And ya know I was just kicking and screaming. lol

The Return

Today, I am pretty much back to my old self. It seems my emotional roller coaster has come to a screeching halt. lol Thanks to everyone who sent well-wishes. I got so many private emails as to make me cry. A few folks seemed genuinely surprised I was capable of feeling lonely. Yes, even a hard edged bastard like myself can feel lonely at times. lol

I scheduled an appointment to go see my doc next week. I can’t for the life of me justify why I spiraled so far downward. I am wondering if my problem might be partially hormonal. heehee I ain’t a spring chicken anymore and it is certainly a possibility. It would explain a lot. Don’t get me wrong, this past weekend opened my eyes a bit. I still plan on trying to find my internal balance again. But, not every problem has one solution so I am taking a broader approach.

And while I had every right to be upset, I succumbed to some pretty negative emotions. I mashed every little annoyance in my life into one big giant pity party. My buddy Frank and TFA were both there for me though. God love’em for putting up with my crazy ass. Both gave me some good insights and their unconditional support. It really meant a lot to me. I hope neither thinks any less of me for my unceremonious breakdown. I find it hilarious they both said, “it just shows you are human.” lol The truth is I often view such emotions as petty and beneath me. So when I feel them it makes me angry at the same time. Something else I need to work on. Sometimes the negative can teach us to value the positive that more. [1]Ok, I feel like I’m rambling here….

So yeah, I feel very much like my old self today. I’m just home from the gym and headed off to work in a bit.

References

References
↑1 Ok, I feel like I’m rambling here….

New & Improved

Ok, it’s a cheesy title.  I couldn’t think of anything else.  Annnnyway, after my little spat yesterday, I had a complete and utter emotional meltdown.  Oh, it was not pretty. 

The short version: Said (ex) friend got caught in a lie, I gave him a chance to come clean, he didn’t and I called him on it. The lie itself was tiny but he intent behind it was quite painful.  He then proceeds to say some of the cruelest meanest things to me in an attempt to cover his shame and embarrassment.  I knew what he was doing but it still got to me and things spiraled afterwards from there. 

Honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure why I was such a wreck.  I’ve lost friends over much uglier things so why was this one so tough?  As my buddy Frank put it, “it was probably the preverbal straw that broke the camel’s back.” [1]He sooooo deserves a medal for putting up with me.  He was right I think.  Things have been building in my id and having no direct way out, they finally just busted through. 

Fast forward 24 hours and what have I learned?

  1. I still have insecurities to work through.  Acceptance is half the battle.  Yes, yes, they are better but I’ve allowed them to fester, apparently. 
  2. Some of my self-perceptions are at odds with reality.
  3. I am tired of always putting on the brave face.
  4. I still have unresolved angst over my evolving relationship with TFA.
  5. And probably the most painful to recognize, I am little lonely. [2]I’m still wrapping my head around THAT one.  Me, lonely?  Whodda thunk it?

Things are a clearer to me after my big broo-haha this weekend.  In a way, said (ex) friend did me a favor.  Make no mistake our friendship is over but his drama has forced me take a closer look at myself.  Unfortunately for you my dear readers, you get to once again suffer through me blathering on about my demons and attempts to exorcise them.  God love ya for doing it too.  lol

First on my agenda, come clean to myself about what areas need work and develop a mantra (a sort of codex if you will). 

References

References
↑1 He sooooo deserves a medal for putting up with me.
↑2 I’m still wrapping my head around THAT one.  Me, lonely?  Whodda thunk it?

Donate, Please

I rarely ask anything of my readers other than respect.  This time I am asking a little more.  Let me be clear, I am not above begging.  The extremist wingnuts couldn’t win with the truth so they’ve taken to lying in their festering evil attempt to write discrimination into the California State constitution. 

It is a sad day indeed when the “moral majority” has to resort to lying and deceit to win their case in the hearts & minds of everyday folk.  This is one of the most important votes of the century.  Whether you live in California or not, if you believe as I do, that two people regardless of their sex should be allowed to form stable, long-term LEGAL relationships under the law, then I urge you to help out.

Please, even if you can only donate $10, take a moment and hop over to

Say NO to Prop 8.

If 1 million people gave just $1.00 that would be one million in extra funds to fight the hate and lies being brought against us in the upcoming election.

I gave $400 of my own money today.  I decided to forgo the shiny new riding jacket I wanted.  Instead, I donated the money to the No to Prop. 8 campaign.  I make this pledge.  If enough people donate from this post to raise $1000.00, I will donate $400.00 more of my own money. 

Please, I urge you, take a moment to donate whatever you can.  Even if it is only a few dollars, every little bit helps when we act together. 

All of these fine folks have also helped out. I’ll add every link I discover to this post.

roblog
Romach
Joe my God
Towleroad
Bear Schmear
Queeristan
Gooster
Mathias n Oz
SwimfinsSF
thisboyelroy

Hell To The Yes!

Continuing along the vein of the utterly mundane details of my life, I got some good news today.  The Ortho doc told me I could start working out again!  I was so happy I almost did a cartwheel right there in his office. lol

He took a new x-ray and the bone is completely sealed. [1]on the outside, the inside of a bone takes 2-4 months to completely grow back  He didn’t put any restrictions on me other than just easing back into my routine.  That was sort of a no-brainer but God love him for making the effort.  Basically, if it hurts, don’t do it is what he told me. 

*

So naturally, I high-tailed it over to the gym!  I spent the first hour just testing myself, feeling out my limits.  Actually, my joints resisted more than my collar bone did.  I ended up working out with about half the weight I’d normally do for chest day.  I also only did 2 sets of each group instead of 4.  No need to go overboard and make it worse.  Even still, it felt so good to just be working out.  I love the feeling of my muscles feeling all tight and perky afterwards.  I’m not ashamed to say that the endorphin release gave me a little bit of a stiffy afterwards. heehee 

As I was leaving the gym, I ran into a guy I’ve met a few times around town.  He didn’t recognize me and was flirting hard.  He was on a Suzuki GSX 1300.  Of course, we started talking about bikes and riding.  Anyway, I couldn’t resist and reminded him of who I was.  I’m not sure why he was so embarrassed but it was fun watching him blush.

*

After the gym I hopped over to the Chiro doc for a much needed spinal adjustment.  I’ve been having some lower neck and lower back problems since the accident.  I usually adjust very easily but he had to take his time with my neck today.  That said, I’ve never heard my back pop so much in one session.  He said my alignment was all “cock-eyed.” [2]Little does he know how true that really is…  He is also really cool about billing me.  Not knowing if my bike insurance would cover my x-rays and stuff, he did’em anyway but only billed me at cost.  So very nice of him. 

*

It has been a good day.  I feel better physically and mentally.  Tomorrow is my Friday so now what to do with my weekend….hmmmmmm?

References

References
↑1 on the outside, the inside of a bone takes 2-4 months to completely grow back
↑2 Little does he know how true that really is…

Over

Well, the three big gay holidays of the year are over.  Pride, Dore Alley, & last but not least, Folsom have all come and gone.  And while I had fun, Folsom was a mixed bag for me this year.  One might even say too much fun. [1]Yes, there will be a separate post for that.  You’ll need to be logged in to see it.  That said, I discovered a couple of old demons still lurking in my id.

The Big Muscle party on Saturday was exceptionally fun.  What can I say? So many beefy menz, so little time.  Actually, with the exception of the fair itself, everything else was almost a let down after the BM party.  Nothing else really seemed to measure up.  lol  And, I like it because everyone is still relatively sober.  I usually find the guys are often very friendly and more sociable than other events throughout the weekend.  I guess you could compare it to a Tea dance.  I also met more guys from online this year than I ever have before.  Moving on…

The weekend went great.  I was with a great group of friends, ran into some old ones and definitely met some new ones.  That said, I remember this nagging sensation gnawing at me several times.  Not about to let it ruin my fun, I tucked it away and made a mental note to crack it open later.  *g*  Well it is later and I’ve realized the nagging feeling was me feeling inferior.

Don’t get me wrong, I doubt anyone really noticed.  One thing you learn about me, when I’m nervous or intimidated I tend to act more gregarious than normal to compensate for it. [2]I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL  Call it a defense-mechanism from my childhood, whatever.  I originally chalked it up to not having worked out in over a month.  And lets face it, these events do sort of cater to the more shallow side of our nature. 

Now I’m left wondering if my lack of gym time is the real culprit?  I’m a little ashamed to say I don’t think so.  Instead, I think I’ve become so accustomed to working out it has allowed me to bury my old feelings of inadequacy.  It really shouldn’t surprise me not being able to work out just allowed them to surface.

So yeah, I had a great time at Folsom.  But, it also gave me a chance to see myself a bit more objectively.  Never a bad thing, IMHO.  I guess the point here is I realized I’ve been neglecting the inner me and focusing primarily on the outer me.  And while neither is in that bad of shape, I need to remember they both need work. *g* 

References

References
↑1 Yes, there will be a separate post for that.  You’ll need to be logged in to see it.
↑2 I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL

McCain Still a Hypocrit

McCain Never Returned Cash from former Manhunt Chairman

While I’m still on my high horse…

So not only did they not return the money but Crutchley is still working for MH even if he is no longer on the board. He still owns a significant share of the company and not being “on the board” was window dressing to appease us so we would blithely turn away and keep looking for our next hookup.

/rant

15 years to life in S.F. dog maul death

15 years to life in S.F. dog maul death

It only took 7 years for the verdict to be reached. This dog attack was beyond despicable. It was also one of the most horrific animal attacks I’ve ever been privy to. There are things I am bound not to reveal due to rules that govern my employment. I can say she (and her husband) got off lucky. I shudder to think how much easier it might have been for them both to get off scott-free in other parts of the country. I am personally glad this person will do extended prison time but I feel it is a slap on the wrist compared to what she (and her husband) should have received.

I grew up on a farm and I love animals. I currently don’t own pets because I am not home enough and I would never allow an animal to go neglected. Leaving an animal home alone for hours (sometimes days) at a time is cruel. But, I digress. I would never, and I say NEVER, own such an aggressive dog in a City environment. Dogs are not children but the effort and control involved is similar in many aspects. Large dogs, especially naturally aggressive ones, need a lot of love, attention, and control. If trained properly it is not an overly tasking skill. When left on their own or antagonized, they become even more aggressive. As an FYI, you are solely responsible if your animal attacks a human being. [1]Yes, there are exceptions based on circumstances.

The sad reality is many people who own animals do not take personal responsibility for their animals. And, it is the animal and other helpless victims who end up suffering.

/rant

References

References
↑1 Yes, there are exceptions based on circumstances.