Category: me

Down Time

So after 62 hours of down time, my blog is finally back up and running. My ISP’s database server suddenly went offline and has only just gone back up. While I have had decent service from 1and1.com over the years, I can say I am extremely frustrated by their absolute lack of support and follow up. [1]A quick search on twitter showed I was one of many people affected.  I am currently taking suggestions and recommendations for other ISPs.

My frustration stems from six phone calls and several (completely ignored) emails over the span of 3-days being met with bland indifference and ignorance. Not one single tech I spoke with had any clue of the problem(s) or any idea of when the problem(s) might be corrected. It was abundantly clear they were all just reading off preformatted scripts meant to mollify disgruntled customers. I got sad half-hearted customer service ‘speak’ apologies. Here is a clue you nitwits, spare me the apologies and give me answers!

Even more disturbing, not a single person could even explain how an ISP as large as 1and1.com could function w/o a backup database server. Seriously, IT 101. Hello?

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Thank you to everyone who checked in on me. Several folks were worried something had happened. I am perfectly fine. [2]And yes Apple guy is too.  Your notification and queries were extremely sweet and I continue to be flattered so many of you continue to read my madness.

As I said, I am seriously considering switching ISP’s as well as recommending the 18 other companies I helped setup on 1and1 to switch as well. In an age of volume, companies only respond to one thing, their bottom line. Only when it plunges do the seem to take any real concern and make changes.

\rant

References

References
↑1 A quick search on twitter showed I was one of many people affected.
↑2 And yes Apple guy is too.

Wish List

Le old blog has always been about me learning and discovering myself. True to form, this post follows in that vein. Its also a bit mushy. (You have been warned. lol,)

I was yacking it up with my buddy Christopher the other night and had a bit of an epiphany. It just sort of hit me while I was ranting away on the phone. [1]I love talking with him because he lets me ramble on ad-nauseum. lol  Actually, we have a lot in common and I trust his advice.  Many of you know things have been going pretty well between Apple guy and myself. So I’m talking with Christopher about that very thing; basically ticking off all the things that I like about him. I’m literally bouncing thru a list in my head when it suddenly dawned on me. For the first time in my entire life, I’ve met someone who has every quality [2]Emotional and physical. Oh yes! I lust after him! that I’ve always wished for in what I’d consider my ideal mate!  *goose bumps from hell!*

I’m fond of saying, ‘I try to be the type of man I’d like to date.’ It doesn’t mean I’m searching for perfection just someone perfect for me. And I’ll be the first to admit, its taken me many years and many failed attempts to discover what exactly that is to me. I had to discover not only what it is I want/don’t want but also what it is I have to offer in return. And lawd knows, many of you have followed my dating ups and downs over the years. A small few of you have even been their since the beginning of my blog and the very raw and painful break-up with the ex.

Thru it all, I’ve met guys who had some or most of what I wanted but never the whole enchilada. I guess you could call it a wish list. And to be frank, I’ve never actually expected to find someone who had it all. I’ve always hoped I’d find a guy who I had enough in common with to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. A relationship that was honest, open, and free to evolve as we did. [3]No tall order at all, right? lol  After TFA, I’d pretty much given up on that. It became something I still wanted but never expected to really find. To my credit, even after TFA, I continued to dabble and explore parts of my id. And I’m somewhat proud to stay, even thru my resignation, I still managed to continue learning about myself.

So imagine my total surprise to suddenly realize I could very well be getting my wish! I found someone who represents everything I’ve always wanted in a partner. I guess it shouldn’t come as a big surprise to me (even though it is) my connection and approach to building a relationship with this person has and is completely different. Instead of discovering a few things that appeal to me and then attempting to build a relationship on those things, I find myself just building on one entirely all-inclusive package. (This is one of those times where I know my grasp of the English language fails me. Try as I might, I can’t seem to truly express the full breath of what I’m feeling right now.)

How do I make this make sense? Let me try this. With my previous dating attempts, no matter how good or bad, I’ve always felt like I was either giving up part of myself or part of what I truly wanted in an effort make the relationship work. I have yet to feel any of that with Apple guy. If anything, I’m getting more than I ever hoped.  Being very territorial about my private space, I’ve yet to feel trapped, cooped up, or even bothered by any of the time he has spent with me. Our time together just seems so easy, with little or no effort on either of our part. Considering we spent over 2 months of the last 5 1/2 months together, that is a big statement. I’ve had contentment before but never in the sense I feel it now. My biggest fear after Drew was being abandoned again. After he moved here, it seemed all of his priorities and goals changed. Sadly, those changes didn’t include me. It hurt me very deeply when he so abruptly abandoned me. It also made me greatly fear the same thing in all of my following dating attempts. And to be fair, I am still scared now, however it isn’t as overpowering like times past. Its more of a nagging annoyance that rears its head in my moments of doubt. If anything, I’m finding a strength I’ve never know before. I don’t worry about Apple guy finding the BBD. [4]bigger better deal  I am self-assured in the knowledge that he is with me for many of the same reasons I am with him. And while we relate very differently in these areas, I am discovering how to read and understand him. That understanding has only served to re-enforce my new found strength. I think there are definitely times when I fail to express (to him) the true depth of my emotion. That said, I am confident he sees the truth behind my eyes. Does that make any sense at all?  Ugh. I’m still struggling to express myself here.

I guess in the simplest terms I know, in almost 6 short months, I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love. I feel like Apple guy is the one. Not the fairytale happy-ever-after crap, but the one person who is willing to take the time to understand me, accepts me (flaws and all), and is willing to stand by me thru the good and the bad. I am not so foolish to think we won’t have problems or fight, but I find myself daring to believe he is perfect for me. He allows the “me” to exist equally along side the “we”. 

While the future is unwritten, I am increasingly optimistic about our life together. The idea of a future with him warms my soul and I eagerly await it. The idea of him not being in my life is painful to even mention.

Fate forbid, even if we don’t make it, I realize now I love him like I have loved no other. He has shown me that what I truly want is not only possible but attainable. And no matter how things progress, I will always love and be grateful to him for that.

Stay tuned and wish m luck!

References

References
↑1 I love talking with him because he lets me ramble on ad-nauseum. lol  Actually, we have a lot in common and I trust his advice.
↑2 Emotional and physical. Oh yes! I lust after him!
↑3 No tall order at all, right? lol
↑4 bigger better deal

VD

I’m referring to Valentine’s day of course. Usually, I play for the opposing team, but this year having Apple guy in my life, I had to switch teams, so to speak. :p  He came up for VD and is spending the week with me. I don’t even need to tell ya how happy that made me. He had only been gone a little over two weeks and I was beside myself missing him. Speaking of, I know I haven’t been talking about him in much detail here since we met. That has been on purpose. One, I didn’t wanna jinx it and two, I’m a little gun-shy after my last two botched dating attempts. [1]Actually, I was kind of avoiding dating all together when he and I met.  I figure rather than over thinking it here, I’d just let things develop at their own pace and see how it goes. To my delight, its been going very well. I find that our comfort level together is such, I’m quickly moving away from my fears and lack of trust. Even after realizing how deep my ex’s betrayal hurt me, I hadn’t let it go. It jaded me and I’ve been going into potential relationships sort of expecting them to fail. I guess it was a twisted self-defense mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt. Whatevs…

Anyway, enough about that. The above pic is the very nice bouquet he got me for VD. I really like it a lot. I took the more traditional approach for him (see below).

We both got mixed up and thought Valentine’s day was yesterday. lol  Money is tight because of his upcoming move so we didn’t do anything too extravagant. We ended up going to see Valentine’s Day, the movie. It was just ok. Cute to watch on the holiday as it had some tender/sweet scenes sprinkled in. Overall, it was entirely too long and several scenes seemed to almost never end. I was kind of disappointed. It had such an all-star cast, I expected a lot more. If you didn’t get your dates confused like we did and you aren’t planning to see it today, I’d recommend waiting until DVD.

After the movie, we hung out at the Metreon playing video games and air-hockey for awhile. Of which, he soundly beat me. He has a a bit of a competitive streak and hates losing. lol [2]He and Brett would either either instantly love or hate each other.  The upside is he won me a life-size tickle-me-Elmo (I have a thing for Elmo) from one of those stuffed animal machines. 

Even better, when we got home he made us some gourmet grilled cheese “sammiches”. OMG, they were so good! I can already tell I’m definitely gonna have to up my cardio once he moves here full-time. lol 

Overall, we had a nice relaxing enjoyable day together. Some of you have noticed, I changed my Facebook status to “in a relationship”. I never realized anyone paid that much attention to such things but apparently you do. I was tickled from all the responses I got the day I changed it. hehehe  Yeah, we’ve decided to make it official. And so far, he manages to put up with me pretty well. :p

Actually, the comfort level is really good between us. I usually feel completely at ease around him. He has commented he feels the same way. This month is our 6 month marker, can you believe it? I can’t wait for him to make the move to SF. If everything goes well, he could be back permanently within 2 weeks. If not, probably 3-4. Either way, things are finally wrapping up and I’m glad he’ll be here soon.

References

References
↑1 Actually, I was kind of avoiding dating all together when he and I met.
↑2 He and Brett would either either instantly love or hate each other.

Nasty

I was reminded today of how I still need to work on my temper at times. Granted, the incident wasn’t of my doing but I over reacted nonetheless.

I’m leaving the gym and this woman (obviously of the lesbian persuasion) slams into me as she is coming in. I was all prepared to be nice about it, expecting her apology, when I heard those two little words…”fucking faggot”.

Now in my mind, the southern black women welled up in me with, “oh no she dinnn’t!” However, the bastard in me [1]satan made me do it, I just know it! took over and before I had even ‘thunk’ it out flew the words, “what did you just call me you fucking fish-fry c*nt?” She was clearly not expecting it but it was already too late. She got two full minutes of Moby’s get-in-your-face, eyes slitted, make a sailor blush obscenities. Poor thing, before she even had a chance to counter, I had not only countered but also attacked and conquered. Needless to say, she stormed away in huff.

Looking back on it, I really don’t know why I got so upset. It was pointless and nothing was really solved by my behavior. I guess it was just so unexpected from one of my own, so to speak, I just reverted to defense mode. Irregardless, I’m a little embarrassed to admit I behaved so badly.

If anything, it shows I still have anger issues. I guess that will be one of my resolutions for the new year.

References

References
↑1 satan made me do it, I just know it!

Birf’ed

Its that time again. Yours truly is a year older today. I was completely blown away by all the well wishes I got via Facebook, twitter, text, and voicemail today. The irony is I don’t feel 39. Oh sure, my body is finally beginning to show the signs of my age, [1]I found my first grey chest hair just this week but my mind still feels many years younger.

I’ve often wondered if it is because I spent most of my 20’s focused on survival or I’m just young at heart. Either way, I’m glad. While wisdom and experience has certainly mellowed me a bit, I’m still very rambunctious and free-spirited. Both qualities I love in myself and others. Unlike many (especially in the gay world), I do not fear or resent getting older. I can see the allure of youth and being young, but I think its way overrated.

Apple guy stayed thru my birthday, which I was very grateful. He got some bad news this week so has been stressed. The rain kept us indoors for most of the day. We finally mad it out for some lite shopping and sushi for dinner. I’m sad he is leaving back to Dallas tomorrow. Its been so nice having him curled up next to me every night for the past month. The upside is he is coming back soon. Even better, the next time is when he moves here. So there is a little silver lining to be found.

References

References
↑1 I found my first grey chest hair just this week

Accept

I got a few very interesting emails from folks who disagreed with my last post. The overall theme was the same as my friend I referred to on FB. I must admit I just don’t understand. When has separate but equal ever worked? How are we ever going to get equal rights under the law when we can’t even demand equality from the ones who claim to love us most? Allowing them to hide behind their ‘religion’ is bullshit just like it was for slavery. And please explain to me how allowing your family to pick an choose the parts of your life they ‘approve’ of is not a form of control. As long as we allow our families to segregate us in their lives, they will continue to think separate but equal under the law is acceptable. I’m not saying you shouldn’t love your family, but you should have enough self-respect and integrity to make sure they treat you as an equal or not at all.

I learned the hard way, separate but equal doesn’t work. And for the record, after everything my father did to me as a kid, I still loved him. I didn’t exclude him, he chose to exclude me because I didn’t fit the norm. [1]Granted my step-mother goaded him for almost 2-days before he finally lost it but still  He made the conscious choice to push me away. And by conscious, I mean being kicked out of the house at the ripe old age of 14 with a broken jaw and 2 broken ribs.

Ten years later, we tried to make amends but he still couldn’t accept me. He made it very clear he didn’t want me “flaunting my lifestyle” in his face. Meanwhile, I had survived being on my own at such an early age, not to mention almost taking my own life and being homeless. Even after all of that, deep down I still wanted his love. But after surviving some of the darkest moments of my life, I couldn’t just go back to his love knowing it was built on the condition I act or behave a certain way. So, I moved on with my life without him. I would call or visit only once or twice a year. And even then it was primarily to see my little brother.  Yeah, it hurt but I was stronger for it. I had finally accepted myself for who and what I was.

Ten more years later, on his deathbed, my father was finally able to admit his regret. I already knew as I had seen the pain in his face over the years. but, it was heartening (and very empowering) to finally hear him admit it out loud. It was also a little bit sad that it had taken him 20 years to finally realize his mistake(s).

So no, I don’t think allowing our families to love us with conditions is acceptable. Granted, my story is a bit extreme. My father never gave me a chance to try and educate him. That said, the point is the same. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We have no reason to bow to irrational demands/restrictions by our families of half-acceptance. Demands born out of fear, ignorance, or lies. And until more of us realize that, I honestly don’t think we’ll have equality under the law.

References

References
↑1 Granted my step-mother goaded him for almost 2-days before he finally lost it but still

I Love You but…

I was reading recently about a buddy on FB who was lamenting that someone in his close family was “accepting” of his pending same-sex marriage but would not be attending the actual event. [1]Oh you were so expecting something else weren’t you?  Of course it was because of their “religious beliefs”. He was hurt obviously, but was still glad they were in his life. HUH?

Sadly, this is not the first time this scenario has played out, nor will it be the last. For my part, I thinks its time that we stop allowing people who claim to love us to treat us this way. If you can’t accept me then you have no business being in my life. And when you wake up one day and find yourself excluded from my life, you have no one to blame but yourself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, love with limits is not love but control. You can’t claim to love someone but only if they do or act a certain way. That is utter and total horseshit.

References

References
↑1 Oh you were so expecting something else weren’t you?

Ouch

I’m still having issues with my shoulders. I guess I tweaked’em more than I thought originally. I haven’t been to the gym in almost 3 weeks now and I’m chomping at the bit (so much for my 200lb goal, for now anyway). I can still feel twinges of annoyance from my shoulders when I raise my arms into certain positions over my head that involves pulling or pushing. With Apple guy here I doubt I’d have a decent gym schedule anyway so the timing is pretty good I guess.

The other upside is I’ll miss the influx of noob’s getting their NY’s resolution on. [1]for all of a month before they burn out  Whateva. I wish you mofo’s luck. If you want some advice, don’t overdo it, slow and steady is the key. And for the love of crackers, don’t hog the frackin’ benches while you’re talking on your phone. If you do, I can’t be held responsible for the trip to the ER to have said device removed from a random orifice on your body.

References

References
↑1 for all of a month before they burn out

NY

My biggest worry for the new year so far is on how to refer to it. Will it be Two Thousand Ten, Two Thousand And Ten or just Twenty Ten? I think I like the last one best. Its easier and rolls off the tongue better. So from this day forward 2010 shall be referred to as twenty ten. There, I have spoken! lol

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I am so not excited about NYE. I had to work until 2:00am. [1]originally 3:00am but I got lucky and was relieved an hour early  NYE is our busiest (and worst) day of the year. Ugh. Overall, it wasn’t too bad this year. The cold messes, the hot messes, and the just plain messes were out in force but the overall violent crimes were down. I was on fire side most of the night which meant managing the medical fleet. I feel good knowing I did an excellent job with the resources available.

*

Apple guy is still here (yay!)  Sadly, I didn’t get to ring in the NY with him because I had to work. I did manage to send him a text at the midnight hour. I literally got the text out when the shit really hit the fan, so to speak. He went out with some friends so at least one of us had some fun. I was bummed that we had to spend it apart but there is always next year I guess.

*

I haven’t really worked on my resolutions for the new year yet. The wine is kicking in and my brain is kinda fuzzy at the moment.

References

References
↑1 originally 3:00am but I got lucky and was relieved an hour early