Category: me

Heard

It can be interesting hearing people have said things about you that have the tiniest kernel of truth or no truth at all. And unlike brettcajun, I don’t fly into fits of rage or hand-wringing as a result. :p There was a time when it would have gotten to me but not anymore. In the last few months I’ve heard a few gems I felt like sharing. And I will remark on how odd it seems they all happened within the span of a few months. lol Is there a horoscope entry there somewhere?

“He has an 11-inch penis.” And I shit you not, this not the first time someone has said that! While I’m certainly happy with my size, I ain’t no 11 inches! Back when Apple guy and I were together, a mutual friend apparently had me mixed up with someone else and while casually having a conversation with Apple guy, felt compelled to blurt out we’d had sex and he really liked my 11 inch penis. Needless to say, Apple guy set him straight on the subject. I was flattered but what the hell does one do with a monster like that? I mean the only persons who could handle it would probably already be a bit road-worn, if you catch my meaning. lol Hearing it again recently I can’t help but wonder if it comes from the same person? Regardless, I’m not even flattered it’s just bizarre.

“He has a habit of moving guys to SF and then dumping them.” Twisted truth that no longer resembles the truth is no longer truth. It is true all of the my last three significant relationships involved a man that lived elsewhere. That I moved them here and then dumped them would be categorically untrue. Not even close. lol The Pup and I laughed it off. He knows the truth and that is all that would ever matter to me.Even if he were concerned, he would have had the integrity to come and ask me directly.

“He’s only into white guys.” Nope. While I do find white guys more in my range, my attractions run the gambit. I’ve had many flavors over the years.

Perception can be a funny thing but one should also interject reason and logic at some point.

Fear

As far as I’ve come, I still battle with insecurities from time to time. Such is life as we all struggle with our demons. Ironically, it is something I’ve never really felt before.

Having struggled practically since birth, I unfortunately get a little suspicious when things seem to really be going my way. lol Yeah, that sounds a little jaded but I never said I wasn’t. Anyway, I keep worrying that something will happen with The Pup and it will all abruptly end. *sigh* I know it’s stupid but there it is. That’s why I said it was irrational. lol  Yes, it could be conditioning from previous trauma. Yes, it could just be my own insecurities. I get all that. But knowing it doesn’t just make it go away. But fear not dear reader. [1]See what I did there? LOL  I have found something that does in fact make it “go away.”

As previously mentioned, to know beyond a doubt that he feels like I do is an incredibly powerful feeling. I won’t lie it overwhelms me at times. [2]I’m a big ole softy inside and my emotions do get the better of me at times. It gives me a sense of comfort and contentment I’ve never felt. I’m also finding it gives me an added sense of confidence. Having never had that feeling, I think it is natural to become possessive and protective of said feeling. lol I never want it to end. I want it to last for the rest of my life. Again, this is an avenue where fear sneaks in; fear of losing that feeling.

I dare say I deserve to be happy. I’ve paid my dues and then some in life. I must have been awful in one of my previous lives because the payback in this one has been major!  But life isn’t about fair and even. While I like to think the universe is about balance, an every day life doesn’t always balance out. I need to remember that just because I had an awful start doesn’t guarantee a happy ending. I wish it weren’t true but it is. And so here again a fear can sneak in.

I refuse to let all these little fears rule me. They might have in the past but not anymore. I can be prey to them but not a victim. Life isn’t about fair, it is about living to the fullest and having enough wisdom to take advantage of any opportunities that come along. That’s how I see my new relationship with The Pup. It is an opportunity for me to make myself (and hopefully him) happy. I plan to pursue that opportunity as long as it exists. If that means the rest of my life, I’m ready. Game, set, MATCH!

I love you Pup. And given the opportunity, I’ll spend the rest of my life with you.

References

References
↑1 See what I did there? LOL
↑2 I’m a big ole softy inside and my emotions do get the better of me at times.

Observe

Just some random observations I’ve made as of late.  .  .

Old ladies don’t look when crossing the street but seem to suddenly look up when they are smack dab in the middle of the intersection.

Children under the age of 5 on flights should be sedated. .

A dog can fart and lick your face at the same time.

‘Chubby’ now means very large apparently.

Neon gas has a horrible smell

Cats can apparently defy gravity when a strange dog is near.

If you’re at the gym and discover you HAVE to do number 2, remember to lock the door.

One

Well, I guess it was inevitable. I’ve gotten several questions on whether The Pup and I were planning to be in a monogamous LTR. I’m not sure why exactly it was a reoccurring question but whatevs. lol  One person’s implication was that if I really wanted it to work then I should be willing to give up being open. I guess all my gushing here and elsewhere has led some to think I’ve abandoned my previous rants in favor of this new relationship. If you read with any regularity you should know the answer to that question is no. If anything, my breaking my own rules has been the bane of my previous LTRs. lol  A huge part of why The Pup and I are getting along so well is because I haven’t abandoned what I want. To be perfectly frank, this was just as easy for us to assimilate as everything else has been between us. [1]ok, I’m bragging a little here. I just can’t get over how much he and I seem to agree on things so easily.

I support anyone’s right to be in a MLTR (Monogamous LTR)) but it is not for me and it is not something I want. I’d rather stay single than lock myself into something I don’t want. Yes, it is flexible and not an all or nothing agreement. Yes, it is important enough to me that I wouldn’t enter into an LTR with a restriction I didn’t want. If we weren’t on the same page then we wouldn’t be truly compatible.

Lawd knows, I’ve ranted here a plethora of times regarding my thoughts on the issue. We as gay men and women have the unique opportunity to set our own rules and standards. We are not bound by institutionalized traditions based on gender-discordant [2]my new term for straight couples relationships. While we can follow in their footsteps, we aren’t bound to. A subtle but important distinction. And the point of my rant today is The Pup and I are of one mind on the subject. It works for us. But because it works for us doesn’t mean that I insist that it works for everyone.That would be as equally foolish as those who insist monogamy is for everyone.

Many seem to think I’m against monogamy when I’m not. Just don’t expect me not to point out flaws in the rather common yet failed logic often used to justify the monogamous-only approach. I support it when it is based on a fundamental desire vs insecurities and a form of control.

Hopefully that should clear up any confusion on the subject. Smile

References

References
↑1 ok, I’m bragging a little here. I just can’t get over how much he and I seem to agree on things so easily.
↑2 my new term for straight couples

101

DMV 101 that is. After a few random yet repeated issues with people not knowing basic traffic laws I’d thought I’d offer up a PSA. hehehe

No, you do not get to block an intersection because you couldn’t bear the idea of waiting on a light. You can’t legally pull into an intersection unless you can pull all the way thru it, including the crosswalks. The reasons why you got ‘trapped’ are irrelevant. If you get tagged by a red-light camera, it is a non-moving violation. If you get tagged by a cop, it is a moving violation and goes on your license. [1]or it can

No, you can’t pull into the opposite lane of traffic to go around a double parked vehicle while other cars are coming. You do not have the ‘right-of-way’ simply because you pulled into the opposite lane before the other car got close enough. If anything were to happen you are at fault.

No, you can’t text and drive no matter how slowly your car is moving.

No, you shouldn’t bicycle and text either. When you fly over your handlebars after hitting the MUNI tracks, you have no one to blame but yourself.

And lastly, No you can’t legally park in the MUNI bus stop and then be surprised you got a $250 ticket.

Now you know.

🙂

References

References
↑1 or it can

Safe

I got into a 418 [1]verbal altercation with a friend of a friend the other day on FB. It got rather disagreeable and he ended up blocking me. Not the point of my rant though.

He is a motorcycle rider like myself. He posted a pic of him and another friend of his riding their bikes on a sunny day wearing absolutely no protective gear. No helmets, not padding, nadda. I posted a half-joking comment asking where his gear was. My comment was, “Hmmm, this pic must be staged cause I don’t see your gear.” I added an lol and smiley face to emphasize I was teasing. He then proceeds to blow up my messages with all the reasons I’m an a**hole for even hinting he should be wearing gear.

Granted none of his excuses were remotely valid but he was right in that it is his choice. But I don’t think my polite nudge was rude or offensive. If he is stupid enough to ride w/o any gear, so be it. The part the struck me is how vociferous he was in his attack on me for suggesting he was being irresponsible. As if I somehow impugned his integrity. Whatevs. I was politely trying to encourage you to be more responsible. Shame on me right?

As for my interjection, I look at this way. If you ‘friend’ me on any social medium, you are inviting my feedback and comments. While I am respectful, I will often give you an honest opinion, even if it isn’t the one you want to hear.

References

References
↑1 verbal altercation

Impact

I’m always flattered when someone references my blog. Apparently, my blog has become more popular on a local level. [1]I guess Facebook does have some use after all  You’d think after 9 years it wouldn’t phase me but it still does. I still get very flattered anytime anyone mentions it. I value what I say and share but hearing others refer back to it is very rewarding. October will be the 9 year marker btw.

After my last ‘Role’ rant, I got a lot of kickback about me downplaying the effect of my blog. It was never my intent to belittle my own blog or its impact. I only meant to clarify a point. So my apologies if I trivialized it to anyone. I’ve always shared my madness because of the possibility others could learn from my mistakes, so yes I do think my writing is impactful [2]my made up word for the day at times.

I’ve had so many folks reach out to me over the years to thank me for sharing so much of myself with the world. I’ve mentioned in various times/places I had an instance where a young gay mean reached out to me after reading my own brush with suicide to tell me reading my blog changed his mind about ending it all. That memory will be with me forever. And it is one of several stories from people who’ve stated my blog has helped them. I’m incredibly humbled and honored by such revelations.

And luckily I’m still at it. Every time I think I’ve reached the end of the ‘need’ for my blog, something or someone comes along to teach me otherwise. And I have come close a few times to ending it. For whatever reason I just can’t seem to walk away.

Anyway, apologies again. As I said, it wasn’t my intent to downplay the blog’s affect. And always, I’m incredibly flattered and grateful so many of you continue to read.

References

References
↑1 I guess Facebook does have some use after all
↑2 my made up word for the day

Best

Well it looks like another GHHD #2 [1]Gay High Holy Day has come and gone. I can honestly say it was one of the best weekends of my life. And the fact it was Up Your Alley (Dore) fair had absolutely zero to do with it.

The Pup was in town to visit me and needless to say we had an unbelievably awesome weekend together. If you follow me on any of the social networking sites you know I’ve been gushing a bit about my handsome man. Well get ready because I’m about to gush some more.

Things between us are working out in ways I could never have imagined. This weekend, it seems, any doubts for both of us have been removed. I am not sure I can properly put into words how I felt and the bonding we experienced. The exceptional part is none of it is based on me trying to fit him into any predefined ideas of what he should be. I let him just be himself and he does the same for me. We seem to just exist together and mesh in ways I never thought possible. I don’t have a better way to explain it beyond it just feels different. The ease and depth of our connection seems to only feed on itself every time we are together.

I’m trying to capture the best way to explain why I see things as being different with The Pup. The biggest difference is I don’t feel like I’m compromising to make things work. Every time I meet someone new I always seem to make allowances for behaviors or attitudes that don’t necessarily align with mine. After all compromising is a big part of a successful relationship. Unfortunately, I seem to get my compromises mixed up at times and compromise in ways that puts me at a disadvantage. I often will recognize where a behavior stems from and while I don’t accept the behavior, I accept the act because of it’s trigger. This creates a situation where I enable said behavior by not putting my foot down. And this has led to more than one failed LTR for me. It has always been one of my big mistakes in relationships.

This time around I haven’t done that once. Not even a little. The meshing as I describe it happens on a very fundamental level and is bizarrely addictive. The more I get of it, the more I want. lol I digress though.  I’ve always considered myself an odd bird because I’m wired a bit differently from other people. I view things in ways that most seem to miss. So to find someone who sees many things the way I do is extremely endearing and very much a surprise. It creates a comfort zone that I don’t think I’ve ever actually felt with anyone before.

And the fact that I referenced Apple guy as ‘the one’ in a previous post is not lost on me. I actually went back and read many of the posts I wrote about him. And at the time they were true. But this thing with The Pup has blown that out of the water. And while not to trivialize what I had felt for Apple guy, my connection to The Pup is different on a level so basic I can’t seem to put into words. Anyway, I’m not singing platitudes this time around. I’m gonna keep letting it grow and evolve and see where it goes.

I won’t be going into the gory details of the weekend. That is for he and I to share together. I will tell you we had an unbelievably awesome time and I couldn’t be happier right now. And if the now permanent grin on my face is any indication things are looking very good!

References

References
↑1 Gay High Holy Day

Role

I think I’ve commented on the confidence I’ve found in myself in recent years. I bring it up now in a different but related perspective. I’ve had more than one rant about the lack of role-models in our culture/community. The last being one about my disillusion with a role model I’d found here in SF. I’ve also mentioned in various posts about my frustration with being able to find guys that have reached a level of personal growth that I feel I need to have a functional and successful relationship. All of these things tie into a rather recent epiphany I’ve had.

I’ve realized that I can be a role model to others. And that is not from the perspective of me trying to elevate myself above others, but one of me sharing what I’ve learned and hopefully influencing other gay men into getting onto their own path of growth and contentment. Looking back over my life, I have survived a shit-storm of drama and managed to find the person I want to be within myself. It was no easy task and I can understand why so many fail at it. And lord knows, I am not thinking I am perfect or above reproach. None of that applies to being a role model IMO. Humans are imperfect and flawed. To be a role model doesn’t require perfection.

My new pup (the two legged one) along with a couple of other guys I’ve interacted with lately has taught me that I can be a role model and I can share a wealth of knowledge and wisdom. To see someone embrace an ideal or philosophy and literally blossom under it is something I never expected to witness, especially one of my own doing. And having seen something like that has really made me see that I have gone from being that lost wayward gay boy who needed a mentor or role-model to being one. And maybe mentor is a better term. Role-model seems a bit confining and limiting so maybe I’m becoming a mentor to others.

Sitting in a friends car having a heart-felt conversation about his struggles and absolute eagerness for direction was very touching. To see said person start tearing up when offering him that mentorship almost broke my heart. I’ve become so wrapped up in my own growth over the years, I’ve completely missed the idea of being able to help others grow and evolve. It was like an electric shock to my brain to realize I’ve been inadvertently denying that to others thru my own selfish focus. And I don’t mean selfish as mean but simply being self-focused.

The confidence I’ve found as man is truthfully something I thought I’d never have. If you’d ask me 10 years ago I would have laughed at you. Not because of the intent but because I was so crippled emotionally back then it was a completely foreign idea. And that is not to say I no longer have insecurities. Of course I still have them. But they drive me less and less and that is the key. And the confidence I thought I’d never find has found me. And just as I am drawn to it in others, I think others are drawn to it in me. Honestly, I think this is where a lot of my new found attention comes from. Oh, yeah the new muscles help but they aren’t that big of a draw. lol

My last post with the pic was significant as it lead me to this post. The physical changes you see in the pic are the tiniest fraction of the changes I’ve undergone since then. I’m a completely different man now. Actually, what used to be a lost boy has turned into a found man. I’ve let go of this idea that I have to act in any way to be accepted. I am just me and most importantly, I accept myself. This was the key to my confidence I believe. It jump started the whole process by simply learning to love myself.

It brought me no small amount of joy to realize I am in a position to offer others what I so desperately needed as a young man. There was no one for me to turn at the time so I can’t be too angry. But I am present and accounted for. And it is time that I start helping out. And it can be argued I’ve been doing it a lot thru my blog and it’s probably true to a degree. But the in-person interaction and mentorship cannot be replaced by print. Be it as a sir, a daddy, a big bro, or just a friend, it is time for me to teach while I continue my own path of learning. I don’t have any preset rules. I just plan to share what I’ve learned and how it has helped me.

Wish me luck.

Throwback

There’s been this Throwback Thursday going around FB lately. They probably stole it

Cheesy me
Cheesy me

from twitter but whatever. lol Basically, you post a pic of yourself at various points in your past. I posted the one you see here recently. It is my from my late 20’s around 28/29. It was a couple years before I moved to SF.

I bring it up because of all the commentors were amazed at the differences between then and now. lol Ironically, the biggest changes have been within and cannot be seen. Those changes are much more significant and meaningful to me. That said, the pic represents a time when I was beginning to settle into a stable life. While things weren’t easy, I had a consistent roof over my head, food in my belly, and a stable job. All of which weren’t necessary a guarantee up until that point.

I was still lost and confused in many ways. I hadn’t yet had time to figure who and what I was or what I wanted to be ‘when I grew up.’ I was incredibly insecure still and had no clue about the real influence I could have had on others. lol Youth truly is wasted on the young.