Category: me

AWOL

Yeah, I know I’ve been AWOL for awhile. A lot has been going on. Work is slowly draining my soul. I need a break or something soon. I just don’t want to do anything outside work most days other than the gym. Speaking of, keep good vibes flowing my way tomorrow (Jan 9th). Sacrifice a goat or a chicken if ya have too… 😂 “Thots and prayers”

Meanwhile, I’m getting mandatory notices several times a week at work now. It’s simply wearing me out. I cannot stay on this path too much longer. The management team gives constant lip service while doing little to nothing to alleviate the problem. If I didn’t need my pension I’d have quit already. Thankfully it should ease up a bit for a while now that NYE is over.

In catch up news, the back is so much better! The ablation procedure went one step further than the first and was a smashing success! While it doesn’t fix the minor but persistent underlying problem, I’m mostly pain free these days. It’s been wonderful. I’m still plagued with minor soreness and stiffness but nowhere near the level of discomfort or pain as before the procedure.

My holiday was chill. NYE fell on my normal day off so I dodged that madness. Xmas was sweet and relaxing. The hubby always finds a way to surprise me, even though I do not really expect anything. [1]We aren’t big on the holiday. It’s a lot of fuss and commercialism. I’m glad the holidays’ are over, especially for the people it causes so much stress.

Beyond that, there isn’t much to report. Daisy is sassy as ever. Shawn is good. I’m just trying to shake off the indifference that overtakes me from the mental exhaustion.

Hope springs eternal….

References

References
↑1 We aren’t big on the holiday. It’s a lot of fuss and commercialism.

Work

After 22 years I’m looking for a new job. No, I haven’t been fired but I’m reaching a crisis point with my department and I’m trying to get out before I get bitter. (Is this what they call a midlife crisis?)

I love what I do but the dept’s failure to keep staffing at even minimum levels is affecting my mental and physical health. I’m not a young man anymore and the almost weekly mandatory overtime for years is taken its toll. Short of a death in my family, time off beyond sick leave is never available. We are forced to sign up for all of our allotted vacation for the entire year in 1 sign up. And while the latter has always been the case, the new never-ending overtime has made it that much worse. If an event I’m planning to attend changes or gets cancelled, I’m screwed. I have to take the allotted slot or give it up completely. And while I could survive these things alone, the are not the only issue. Before COVID my dept had a massive turnover in staff. Two-thirds of our current staff has less than 10 years experience. On my watch, the closest person to me in seniority is 15 years my junior. This translates thru the chain of command as well. I feel very isolated most days at work. And while I could promote internally, that pathway isn’t really a solution. [1]Caveat, I will attempt to promote internally when it comes up again, just to improve my chances of moving to other jobs outside my division, but I’m hoping not to wait that long.

People routinely dismiss my classification as a minimal skillset but that is far from the truth, not to mention I had skills before I took this job. I’ve had opportunities throughout my career with the dept; leadership roles as well as extensive high level projects. The latter always serve to remind me of the skills I’m not using. That isn’t meant to sound demeaning as much as a clarification. I’m still very fortunate as I have a steady job and am not desperate or forced to take a job for the sake of work. That being said, I’m open to a variety of new opportunities. I’d ultimately like to stay in emergent services but that isn’t set in stone. My focus recently has been on other divisions within my overall dept but I’m starting to branch out.

My biggest hurdle is salary. While I’m definitely underpaid for the amount of work I currently perform, I make a decent salary. Finding a position that doesn’t require a degree that pays the same or more than I make now is challenging. [2]One should be so lucky. I recognize the privilege but that doesn’t change the need. I’m too old to start over from the bottom. This just means it may take me awhile. I’m forever optimistic and definitely believe I’m up for the challenge. I’m great at selling myself given the opportunity, as I’m confident in my skills and capabilities. I’ll be blunt, I could sell you a bridge in a desert.

Civil service moves like molasses, but I’d like to stay within to keep contributing to my pension. It would take a really lucrative offer to pull me away from a city job. I’m not so naive to think jobs are falling from the sky but not totally opposed to jumping back into the private sector.

I’ve had these feelings for awhile but as I sit here putting it to text it suddenly feels more real to me, like it’s “out there” now. For a long time I just assumed I’d retire here but that is increasingly untenable. *Whew*. I’ve put myself on this path and hope to find a viable solution as soon as I can. Worst case scenario, I have to promote from within then jump to other divisions or depts.

At the end of the day, I know myself and I don’t want to end up becoming so jaded and bitter my inaction or indifference causes harm to someone.

References

References
↑1 Caveat, I will attempt to promote internally when it comes up again, just to improve my chances of moving to other jobs outside my division, but I’m hoping not to wait that long.
↑2 One should be so lucky. I recognize the privilege but that doesn’t change the need.

Gym App

I use a couple different workout tracking apps. One for motivation and one for actually tracking my workouts. Sadly, I can’t seem to find a good all in one app that meets my needs. That really isn’t the point though.

I recently got a private message from a gym bro attempting to shame me because I declined his unsolicited offer for online training services. He felt the need to try and undermine my manhood while also inferring I might look "gay" to other men. [1]You wanna tell him? For good measure, he managed to squeeze in a comment about my age as well.

My first comment was, "well, bless your heart." I followed up with a summary of how he’s toxic bro mentality was so 90’s and from his follow list, I’m probably dodging a bullet by not signing up for his "services". Even had I been interested in such a service he had no official education listed in physical therapy or even as a certified trainer. He replied back a few more times trying to goad me into an argument, but I couldn’t be bothered and he appeared to give up.

I thought about it afterwards and wonder how many insecure men fall for this ploy? Straight men are definitely not immune to peer pressure, and I know firsthand how gay men often feel pressured to look/act a certain way to feel "included." I’ve found a striking susceptibility in gay men who come out late in life vs us early out eager beavers. [2]there is a pun in there somewhere I think I’d like to think I’m totally beyond such things, but I think that would be a lie. Granted, I could care less about some random bro’s feedback. My workouts and efforts in the gym are primarily focused on keeping myself healthy, especially as I age. While I certainly strive to be bigger and better, it is not the priority in my life. As I age, I’m certainly aware of the stigma in our world and am not completely immune to the sting of rejection so I get it. However, I also realize the hard truth is age comes to us all. We can’t be young and pretty forever. More astutely, I no longer base my self-esteem on the opinion of others.

I guess doing the work on myself all those years ago are still paying dividends today. Life is short, if your not happy make changes to try and change it, but don’t fall for the idea you need to look or act a certain way to be accepted.

References

References
↑1 You wanna tell him?
↑2 there is a pun in there somewhere I think

Texting

I’m going to "come out" as a grammatical texter; meaning I like to use grammar and punctuation while texting. I’m going to go one step further and say, I do not understand people who feel the need to send gibberish because they are too lazy to type out what they are saying. And don’t get me wrong, I use common abbreviations and sometimes even emojis, but I like text I can understand.

One friend said I’m just getting old and maybe so, but I like to be understood. And if you are too lazy to type, what else are you too lazy to do? Hmmmmm? I have a buddy from the gym who’ll text me a string of emojis and I’m like, "huh?" He’ll do an eye roll emoji and resend it with enough real words I can understand it. I asked him how often he misunderstands texts from others done in the same style and he begrudgingly admitted often. So…if you have to routinely resend texts, why not put a little extra effort into the first try?

I’ll be starting a support group for fellow GT’s like myself … 🙂

Random Bits 2023

I haven’t done a Random Bits post in forever…or blog for that matter. Well, new year, new me, right? Where does the time go…?

I bought a new and improved air fryer awhile back and I’ve been on a cooking kick ever since. Technically, we already have an air fryer but the old one just wasn’t cutting it. I upgraded to the Ninja Double XL and it is a boss! [1]You know you’re old when you’re excited about an air fryer The old one was a Ninja, but it was flat with an option to flip up when not in use. It was great for saving counterspace, but it didn’t leave much room for anything heavy duty and was a major pain to clean. This one actually puts a nice crisp on chicken as well.

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I’ve been making Shorts on YouTube. Basically, it’s Google’s attempt to take on “the Tiktok.” It is not quite as user friendly, but TT could be banned soon if you work for any government agency. I’d rather not have to delete all my vids. My Google profile is one of the few under Sfmobius instead of the generic Ibod8x5 handle I use everywhere else. If you care to subscribe, go for it but not using it daily yet. Just random bits that strike me as funny. [2]See what I did there?

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Work has been a mess, but that is sort of normal. Sadly, we are shorter now than we’ve ever been. There are fewer of us now than when I started. We are doing triple the work with fewer people. I’m actually considering changing jobs. I’d stay in civil service and most likely within the same dept, just a different division. The software project I worked on and my stint in records reminded me I have other skill sets. Let’s face it, I’m not getting any younger and I certainly do not wish to be in my 60’s still answering 911 calls. [3]I can’t retire with full benefits until age 62. It’s not a definite but I’m keeping my eyes open for available positions.

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SF has had a ton of rain this season. Oddly, we need it as we seem to get less and less fog every year now. The last couple storms have been close to what we would consider a normal storm back in TX. They even had thunder and lightning. Both of the latter are very unusual for SF. People talk about it for weeks afterwards. This has been a definite rainy season for the whole state. Even the perpetually dry Southeastern side of Cali might be out of “drought” for the first time in years.

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I could fill pages with my thoughts on the state of world affairs, but that is sooooo depressing. Don’t get me started. I avoid the news as much as I can most days as it’s all just frustrating. We’ve come so far and seem to be going backwards now. If another human tells me they “long for the good ole days” I swear I may punch them in the dick. The good ole days were great only if you were straight, white, and male.

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Yes, I know the sfmoby.com site is a mess. IG changed the rules for sharing to third party sites and I haven’t had the time or will power to sit down and sort it all out. Speaking of IG, I find myself using it less and less. Meta is determined to turn it into TikTok and failing miserably at it.

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Daisy is sassy as ever. We had to upgrade to a king size bed because she kept pushing Shawn off the bed at night. It’s all his doing anyway. When we first rescued her, I wanted her to sleep on the floor but nooooo, we had to let her sleep in the bed. 🙂 We bought a Nolah mattress; a hybrid foam/traditional. It was rated very high for side sleepers. So far, we really like it. The last one didn’t hold up well at all. We’d only had it a couple years. The new bed dominates the room but honestly, we don’t do much in there but sleep anyway. Shawn and I have both noticed a significant difference in our sleep patterns. While I snore less since the nasal surgery, we both snore and we both seem to snore a little less as well. That, or we are far enough part not to wake each other up as often. hehehe

Enough rambling for now, time to try a new air fryer recipe.

References

References
↑1 You know you’re old when you’re excited about an air fryer
↑2 See what I did there?
↑3 I can’t retire with full benefits until age 62.

52

I turned 52 this past month. As I start into my 53rd year on this ole planet, I am grateful to be alive. My previous back issues got me a little down for a while but I’m better now and realizing it’s not that bad, all things considered. Personally, I think I look damn good for 52, but I am a little biased. 😉 My medical issues as of late have all been mild compared to other more serious ailments that plague us as we age. I have to remember that moving forward.

Part of me still grapples with the idea of being in my 50’s. My brain simply won’t completely accept it. I guess that is a good thing. In stark contrast, this past year I’ve been noticing when people “die young“, which in my brain translates to around my age or younger. It is a bit of a surreal feeling to realize I’m moving into an age bracket where people can and do die from a host of issues regularly. Granted, some of these conditions can often be prevented and treated, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful. I’m certainly not judging others. It just makes me value my efforts to keep myself healthy. Of course, my body reminds me daily now I am indeed not a young man anymore.

And speaking of healthy, I’m hoping to get thru 2023 with no self-inflicted gym injuries. hehehe Another hard realization is I can’t constantly push heavy weights anymore. As I focus on strengthening my back muscles, I’m building on my past mistakes. Rebuilding my exercises from an entirely new perspective has had its benefits. Even with the back injury, I’ve made some solid gains this year, and my bony legs have grown some too.

If ya know me, you know I don’t make a big deal over birthdays. Shawn always tries to make them meaningful for me, which I appreciate. He always a way add a personal touch. This year was no exception. I couldn’t imagine him not being in my life.

Beyond that, work has been incredibly stressful and frustrating. Ironically, not for the reason you’d think. More on that later. I have a meeting with the Council of Elder Gays on what the new prize the most gay conversions in a year. 😉

Back 3.0

I’m back and my back is doing better! I left off quite some time ago after having some back issues. Well, I ended up doing PT on my own because the places available didn’t work with my schedule and I can’t afford to call off work every time I need PT. Two different friends in the biz told me they don’t work you in the office anyway. They give you the exercises and send you on your way. [1]They do help if you are unclear on how to do an exercise, otherwise that’s it for my type of PT I figured I could do that on my own.

I was discouraged at first because it only seemed to be staving off any new spasms vs actually improving my condition. I was getting frustrated thinking maybe I’m doing it wrong, not doing enough, etc. I do so some research [2]famous last words and discover it can take weeks and/or months to heal up so this gives me hope I’m on the right track.

Well, fast forward to now. A couple weeks ago was my first time doing the PT w/zero discomfort! I’ve been getting delayed due to lots of /mando at work over holidays, but still focused on getting gym time in for my exercises and stretches. Lo and behold last week I did my first exercises on lower back with weights! And I’m still walking upright! lol I was only doing a measly 40 lbs on deadlifts but it felt great to finally be doing any weights at all. Yay me!

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The whole thing kind of threw me for a loop. I’ve always considered myself rather resilient when it comes to bouncing back from injuries. Every surgery I’ve ever had the doctors always talked about how fast I heal. Even my most recent nasal surgery was a flying success. This time around I didn’t bounce back. And it finally became obvious to me it wasn’t getting better; my denial was making it worse. While not "depressed", I also realized it was altering my daily motivation to do much of anything. I mean I’d still get to the gym, but I had to drastically pare down even non related exercises.

This is the part of getting old I don’t like. I don’t mind the wrinkles, the aging skin/looks. Hell, I don’t mind the need for more checkups, but this not healing or getting better like normal is for the birds!

References

References
↑1 They do help if you are unclear on how to do an exercise, otherwise that’s it for my type of PT
↑2 famous last words

Back 0.2

So…following up on my last post, cause you’re all just dying to know my up to the minute medical condition, right? They discovered I will need a full amputation from the waist up. j/k of course. giggle​ Almost had ya there…

The doc thinks it’s mostly a muscular issue. There may be some ligament damage involved but they wouldn’t know without an MRI. They did not recommend an MRI as it doesn’t seem severe enough. I do have mild to moderate arthritis, which is probably aggravating it a bit as well. [1]Why do I always seem to be in the middle? …mild to moderate Monkeypox, mild to moderate arthritis, medium to large penis [2]the first footnote was to see if people actually read the footnotes. heehee Overall, he definitely does not think I have a bulging disc. X-rays looked fine, no fractures or protrusions of bone anywhere. Ironic, as I had a mild spasm during x-rays because the tech was having me bend at weird angles. So, good news I guess. I mean it could be better but could have been a lot worse. I’m grateful to know the bones are all up to scratch. I expected worse news.

He gave me a referral to Physical Therapy and a prescription for muscle relaxers. I’ve never taken muscle relaxers and I’m hesitant to take them. (See afore mentioned posts about my stepmother who was a pill addict for many years, including the use of muscle relaxers) However, after my last round of pain I won’t avoid them if I have another episode. Lawd, that was rough. It’s been over two weeks, and while most of my movement has returned, I’m still having discomfort and soreness. I’m having to alter workouts at the gym to avoid taxing the area.

I’m eager to see how PT turns out. I’d very much like it to be something I can work thru and get past vs "just living with it". With GHHD #3 (Folsom weekend) fast approaching, Daddy needs his bending muscles to be in tact.

References

References
↑1 Why do I always seem to be in the middle? …mild to moderate Monkeypox, mild to moderate arthritis, medium to large penis
↑2 the first footnote was to see if people actually read the footnotes. heehee

Back Issues

About a year or so ago, I took a tumble on a foot scooter and injured myself a bit. Nothing critical at the time, but I’m beginning to think I may have injured my back more than I thought. Ever since, I’ve had increasing bouts of random back strain or spasms. Sometimes it comes on from just sitting in a different position for more than a few minutes.

Fast forward to a week ago, and the first day of my vacation, I tweaked it from sitting weird. I was leaned over on a foot stool cleaning Ms Daisy’s foot pads and after I attempted to get up, everything went haywire. This last episode was the worst it has ever been. Time to see a doctor. Even a week later, I’m still not 100% yet.

I see a chiro doc pretty regularly and it does help; however, it doesn’t seem to be going away. From my limited medical training and work experience, I’m leaning towards a bulging disc. The severity will determine the level of care I need to proceed. It’s incredibly frustrating realizing my body is wearing down and not as resilient as it used to be. One can say it comes w/age, but f**k that. lol It could be a combo of back issues and a weak core, or at least I’m hoping it is. I’ve always babied my back since I had a car accident ages ago in the mid 90’s. That may be working against me now. I’ve been working on strengthening my core, but it only seems to aggravate the issue.

On the flip side I guess I should be grateful this is the only issue. I mean I’ve put this body thru the ringer in my 51 years! I got metal, plastic, and even polyurethane inserts to prove it. Air boat crashes, throwing hay and feed, three-wheeler flips, roller-blade stunts, motorcycle slides, etc have all contributed to the latter. When I do finally slide into the grave, they are going to know “I lived!” [1]In my best hung over Gooch voice LOL And yet, it still drives me nuts. I’ve been really hitting a good rhythm at the gym and it seems like every 2-3 weeks there is a new delay knocking me out again.

I’m booking an appointment for next week to see a specialist. I’m assuming a lot of poking and prodding and x-rays later I’ll have some answers.

As always, hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 In my best hung over Gooch voice

Anon

There is a new craze floating around social media lately where someone offers a link so you can send them “anonymous” messages. You can send anything you like and it’s totes anon. And there’s already been fallout on the things people send. I know, shocker! I get that it’s probably built on humor, but I find these things incredibly annoying. Mainly, because it encourages the lowest common denominator in replies. ((Yes I know that is totally not what that phrase means but it’s slang for ignunce)) Probably why I also hate most reality TV shows and all of the K-family. (I won’t use their name to garnish more clicks.)

If you know me in real life, you know I’m certainly capable of speaking my mind. Hell, if you read here with any regularity I’m pretty sure you can figure it out! Lol If I have something to say to you, I have no problem saying it. That doesn’t mean I need to be a dick or rude, but cowardice is not my way. If I can say it, I can take responsibility for saying it.

The act of engaging with others even in unpleasant circumstances is a social skill, and it should not be avoided. It builds character by teaching respect and self control. Life isn’t all pleasantries. Conflict doesn’t necessarily equate to being a jerk. Learning how to navigate conflict leads to humility. Hiding behind pseudonyms or anonymous accounts is just an act of cowardice.

From my white trash roots, “don’t let your mouth write checks your ass can’t cash!” Don’t be one of those anonymous keyboard warriors spouting bias and judgment while hiding from any sense of accountability. I can’t control others but you’ll probably never see me using such antics. It’s beneath me.