Category: me

Trifecta

You may have noticed some changes to the theme. You might have also Triquetranoticed there are new links to my other domains.

Each has it’s purpose and I’m working on integrating them together so they look and feel the same. My goal is one seamless look that blends all three sites together. Eventually, I hope to have floating or scrolling tabs instead of links. However, said tabs require some tinkering and testing of the theme and/or CSS. I’m not quite advanced enough to write it from scratch so I’ll have to find an example that I like and incorporate it here. [1]The image above is actually referred to as a Celtic Triquerta but it is often referenced incorrectly as a trifecta

Sfmoby.us
Of course, this will continue to be the blog. The only changes here are a new background image and links to the other domains.

Sfmoby.com
I’ve already started this one and it will continue to be a repository for photos and social media stuff. Basically, if I post it anywhere on social media, regardless of platform, I want it to show here. It is trickier than it sounds. Not all platforms export directly to WordPress. I think the exception will be twitter. I’ve pulled away from twitter a lot. I’m just tired of the idea of micro-blogging. Of course, I say that now. I may change my mind. There are plenty of widgets that drag in twitter feeds.

Sfmoby.net
Is new and will be a repository for some of my stories. Did you know I used to write short stories? I did. I was told often that I was pretty good at it. Even in high school, I got high marks for creative fiction. I might also try to fold in a dream journal. I’m not sure how dedicated I am to the idea though. haha  I’m still tinkering w/ideas on this domain but I definitely want it to be a more creative outlet than a journal.

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I remember saying once back when I was still new to blogging that I wanted my blog to be a central hub for my online life. I even built a few website templates for it. Then came along social networking and I got sort of side-tracked. The idea of a central hub has stayed with me an I find I’m coming full circle again. I got a little down on myself for awhile because I tried to force too much into my regular blogging. As the need to tackle personal growth waned, I felt pressured to fill the void.  I think on some level I even rebelled a bit.

Anyway, feel free to check’em out.

References

References
↑1 The image above is actually referred to as a Celtic Triquerta but it is often referenced incorrectly as a trifecta

Random

One of those random thought posts today.

I’m developing a real skill at putting in my contacts. You have to keep your hands clean, have a dry cloth that doesn’t shed, and look straight at the finger while inserting. haha  It sounds corny but when I look away, I almost always screw up getting into my eye. It ends up folded over my finger. I’ve also learned that if your eyes feel cruddy or irritated in anyway, it is best to skip putting in contacts till they feel more normal.

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I broke my Z3 while I was down in L.A. I was 2 days past my jump date when it happened too. [1]I’m on the Tmobile Jump! plan, which lets me upgrade every 6 months  I really loved the battery life on the Z3. The not being able to root it as easily as other devices didn’t bother me as much because the battery was so good.  Since all the signs are pointing that Tmo may not actually bring Lollipop to the Z3f, I opted to go back to Samsung and get the S6. I’ve always liked the S-series with Sammy, the S6 is no different. Sadly, it has a much poorer battery life than the Z3. It’s even a tiny bit worse than the S5. I guess I got spoiled on the Z3 because my expectations are very high now.‘

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In a bit of scandalous news, I’m inching closer to being debt-free again! I decided to sell the land my dad left me to one of my nephews. This way it will stay in the family and go to good use. I’ll never live there again and I got a pretty decent price for it. I’m working on a few loos ends but if everything goes well, I’ll be debt-free in a matter of months. Ironically, a big chunk of my debt came from getting some of the legal problems surrounding my dad’s will sorted out. If you’ve ever crawled out from under a large amount of debt, you’ll know how awesome it is! More to come later on this little tidbit of news.

References

References
↑1 I’m on the Tmobile Jump! plan, which lets me upgrade every 6 months

Deep

Someone asked me the other day, “why I don’t talk about deep subjects like I used to.”  Well, I guess the answer is I grew up. lol

My blog started all those years ago as a coping mechanism. It turned into a path to enlightenment. And it worked! I confronted, challenged, and defeated many of my childhood insecurities and failings. I put them in their proper place in my id and moved on with life. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some but they aren’t the overwhelming plague they used to be.

I got a good birds-eye view of some of my old writings while I was merging the old and new blog together. I always like reading my past rants. It’s almost like reading a different person in some ways. It brings perspective to  where I am now compared to where I was.

Anyway, I’m sure there are still a few “deep” subjects left in me. hehehe  If one surfaces, I’ll be sure to put it all out there. Ironically, for someone who didn’t feel very moral, I find these days I tend to comment more on the failing morals of society at large. There’s a kick to the rubber pants if there ever was one.

Doofus

Get up early

Get Cooper fed/watered/walked

Go to gym to do cardio

Come home with enough to get ready for work

Arrive at work minus your badge/access card

Rush home on lunch break to get said card

Realize what a doofus you are because the the access card was tucked into your jacket pocket. Said jacket, you’ve had with you every step of the way.

Fit

I’m still struggling to get back into a consistent gym schedule. I just can’t seem to find the motivation I used to have. hehe I’ve gained a few pounds but overall I’m just squishy vs being over-weight.

I guess being in a relationship will do that to ya. It isn’t that I feel I don’t need to workout anymore so much as I just seem not to prioritize it like I used to. Being on a 4-day 10-hour schedule didn’t work very well for me last time I did it so I’m sure being on said shift now isn’t helping. But that is a bit of a cop-out. lol If it was important to me, I’d make it happen. I still go at least once a week, it is the consistency that is the struggle.

The irony is anytime I go to the gym, I immediately miss all the things about it that I like. I’ve just gotten complacent and content. Said duo are turning out to be a powerful combo to overcome.

Yet, I keep trying. I’ll eventually find my groove again. It may not be as intense as it was in the past but I know eventually my desire will override the complacency.

Contact

Well, I’m starting to try out contacts for my eyes. While I’m waiting to see the new eye muscle specialist [1]he is apparently very busy I’m back to the original Optometrist for my actual vision issues. I hate wearing my glasses and riding a motorcycle certainly isn’t conducive to said activity. I’m hoping I’ll be a good candidate for contacts. The Optometrist gave me some trial pair after retesting my eyes. There was only a slight change in my prescription since the first exam, prior to the surgeries. Unfortunately though, having a astigmatism is apparently a hard fix using contacts. Apparently, they didn’t even offer you contacts in the past for said issue. Because mine is not severe, I might be ok.

The first trail trial pair was a disaster. I had a headache within hours of wearing them. [2]Work’s "spring cleaning" my have exacerbated it a bit I promptly threw them out. The second pair has turned out to be much better. I’m working on wearing them all day, then every other day, and finally every day. I have enough ‘daily’s’ for two weeks. Overall, the fit well and don’t really bother me much. Getting them in/out of my eyes was the biggest challenge, even though the lab tech said I was a natural. I tend to blink a lot more and seem to "feel" them more as the day wears on. Is that normal?

Leave it to me to have issues that can just be fixed. The contacts work very well for the right eye, which affects most of my vision. The slight blurriness is all gone and the world takes on its normal crispness when I wear them. This will mostly likely help in the efforts to cure my diplopia left over from the eye misalignment. However, the left eye with the astigmatism may be the deal breaker. Reading up close (like on a phone or tablet) is worse than not having the lenses in. And I read a lot. On the flip side, using them at work is fine. I guess the distance between my face and the monitor is enough to even it out. And while the eyes do adjust a bit given a little time, I’m not sure yet how effective this approach is. I’m going to see how things go. The Optometrist mentioned one other trial pair I could test out.

Keep your fingers crossed for me. I really want to be able to wear contacts. I might try to do glasses over contacts (even though the Optometrist wasn’t a fan of that idea) or alternating between glasses and contacts.

Of course, if this is the worst I have to go thru as I age, I can live with it.

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References

References
↑1 he is apparently very busy
↑2 Work’s "spring cleaning" my have exacerbated it a bit

Better

The wonky eye saga continues.

As previously mentioned the last eye surgery was a success. It fixed the structural problem with my right eye. Sadly, the diplopia has not disappeared. I should clarify it is much improved but I’m still having some issues. The doc who did the surgery doesn’t deal with that so I’ve been referred to yet another doctor. This will be doctor #5 in the series.

I put off contacting him as there is still a chance my eyes my just readjust on their own. It seems the eyes are improving ever so slightly every month. It is possible that they my slowly go back to normal given enough time. That said, I’m just not willing to wait that long. And to be fair, it has gone from a chronic problem to a minor annoyance. It only affects the extreme angles of my vision now.

Anyway, the new doctor deals with eye muscle problems and possible rehabilitation of the muscle. I’m hoping it doesn’t require another surgery and its looking like it won’t. He is booking a month out so won’t even get to see him till late March. Maybe I’ll get lucky and the eyes will be even better by then.

Of course, I still have the underlying vision issues that started this whole caper. My right eye happens to be the weaker of the two in vision as well. It’s minor but the combo of weakness and double vision is what makes it so frustrating at times.

I’ve finally reached a point where I can wear my glassed pretty much all day w/o getting severe headaches. I’m down to a dull ache after a day of wear. I’m forcing myself to get used to them so I can switch over to contacts permanently. Luckily, I’m still eligible for contacts. I go back to see the optometrist in a week. They’ll recheck my eyes and if no major prescription changes, I’ll get my contacts within the month.

I’ve noticed that if I wear my glasses for awhile, the next day my vision seems slightly better. I’m wondering how common such an occurrence is? Is it possible to wear glasses to temporarily retrain you vision and then not need them anymore? I’m sure the Opt doc can tell me.

VA

VA is our code for vacation time on the books. For the first time in 14 years (as of April), I am eligible to take the week between xmas and NYE off! And by eligible, I mean I have enough seniority to grab the slot before it gets snapped up. I’m not sure why but I’m overly tickled by that. hehehe​ I feel like I have "made it" so to speak.

I’m changing schedules in March for our bi-annual sign up. Now that Shawn has weekends off, I get to go back to a weekend slot and slightly later hours. Both options are nicer for me. The down side is I’m officially on ‘swing shift’ again which always tends to have more internal drama. I’m not quite sure why.

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Having Fri/Sat/Sun’s off will be nice again though. I am looking forward to it.

Family

This post has turned out to be a lot harder to write than I originally thought it would be. I’m digging into my past again and stirring up old memories. It is no secret I’ve never had very close family ties beyond my younger brother. I keep in loose contact w/my other siblings but my younger brother has always been the glue holding me to the family.

In a moment of ‘something’, I recently added my little brother to my FB profile. This of course creates a gateway to the rest of the extended family that he routinely communicates with. I’m still mixed up about it but I think it is time to either open the bridge to the extended family or tear it down completely.

Backing up a bit for a little history lesson, I was adopted as an infant. My foster mom died when I was around 5 years old. My dad re-married a few years later, my younger brother’s mom. I love my younger brother and I never once resented him but after he was born my step-mother changed. I never understood it then and I still don’t now. After his birth any feelings she had for me turned to resentment. And in that resentment she made my life a living hell. There are no words to explain the mental torment she put me thru on a daily basis for years. She was, and still is to a degree, the only person I ever truly hated in this life. She tormented me so much that at one brief moment somewhere around 10 or 12 I almost poisoned her to death. I covered the gory details in a previous post years ago. To this day I still bear the shame that I could even consider such an idea. But as a child then it seemed like the only escape. Even a child’s id eventually snaps. My younger brother of course doesn’t remember a lot of what I went thru. He was simply too young. And I know it hurts him to hear it so I’ve always avoided the subject with him.

It should come as no surprise now to know that when I did leave home it was freedom! I was finally free and she would never be able to hurt me again. [1]Sadly, even that turned out not to be true.  Leaving early cost me as much as I gained. I spent a couple years being homeless in pursuit of stability. But even that wasn’t enough to send me back. I don’t think there was anything that could have driven me back. Frankly, I would have rather lived on the streets for the rest of my life than go back to the misery of before.

Later, after I moved to SF in my early thirties I struggled to find myself. Having finally gained some financial stability, I turned my attentions inward in an attempt to discover what type of man I wanted to become. I felt like a blank slate waiting for an imprint. I spent the better part of a decade conquering the insecurities and demons from childhood. I replaced self-loathing and abandonment with confidence and integrity built on the knowledge of who I am. I shed the ignorance and fear that crippled me for so long in my life.

For all my struggles over the years, I’ve kept a wall between myself and my extended family. It wasn’t hard. Distance, time, and logistics made it easy.  And to be honest, I resented them for many years. It doesn’t matter now that that resentment was misplaced. I was a child. I resented them because they saw what she did to me. In my eyes back then they saw what she did and yet did nothing. I can remember time and time again feeling elated and excited when the extended family would visit. It meant a reprieve from the mental abuse and I got much needed interactions. God, I must have looked so pathetic back then. This doe-eyed child practically begging for any scrap of attention. I also remember the absolute despair that would grip me when they left. When they left to go home it meant my reprieve was over. I guess it is no surprise I resented them somewhat.

But I am a man now and the pains of childhood are a distant memory. I harbor no more resentments. I harbor no fear over their acceptance of me, or not. They will or they won’t. That is their path. My life is my own and I will live it honestly and without fear.

Ironically, and on somewhat of a tangent, most of the extended family I miss were on my step-mother’s side. I learned many years later my adoption created a rift in my foster family. My foster mom’s family was very much against it. However, since it was my foster mom who made the decision, you can see why thy were distant. My dad’s side was more connected but living in a remote rural area and most of them being poor meant less contact. My step-family were a tad better off and we saw much more of them over the years. I guess it makes sense.

Back on point, it is time to shed the last of my walled gardens, so to speak. No matter the outcome, I will still be standing.

And you should know what I’m about to say now. hehehe 

Hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 Sadly, even that turned out not to be true.

Resolute-toot

I’m not big on NY resolutions anymore as it seems a bit contrived and so few people really follow thru anyway. I do; however, try on an ongoing basis to improve myself.

Looking forward this year, I think one of my goals will be less time on social media. Sadly, social media isn’t about communication anymore. It is a plaform for an individual to spew their own bias and expect reinforced support via comments/likes. I spend way too much time trying to point out distinctions that matter.

Subjective validation is all the rage and it has become very apparent to me no one cares about facts or details. Issue dejour must be devoured, judged, and spewed forth with outrage and angst and then summarilty forgotten. Exeryone expects something be done while continuing on their own path of indifference. Successful discourse is discouraged and chastized. And integrity and honesty are just buzzwords to be bandied about like so much other tripe.

​I’d rather focus on my own life more and lead by example. It sound so negative but I don’t mean it that way. I just need to stop wasting time on things I can’t control. Of course part of me says I just follow the wrong people. Maybe I should be more selective about who I follow and let follow me? *thought bubbles..thought bubbles…thought bubbles….* *Pop* Naaaaaaaaah. LOL

​My only other new goal this year is to try to get out more. Shawn and I are very comfortable being home-bodies. I think we are a wee bit too comfortable now. lol It’s time to get out a bit more and be active. Beyond that, I’m focused on the normal things: lower debt, better health, eating better, etc.

Anyone else making big new years plans?