Category: me

Ride

While clearing the backlog of emails from the blog, I got asked if I still ride my motorcycle. The answer is yes. I ride it pretty much every week back and forth to work. I haven’t been doing many long rides due to my continuing diplopia and I "still" haven’t fixed the cracked fin on the left side. [1]It isn’t that expensive but I just have other priorities

You’ll remember I had the two eye surgeries to fix some ongoing issues over a year ago. All the structural issues were fixed and doing well. However, the right eye muscles never adjusted back to normal. The eye had adjusted for so long the muscles are now out of alignment. Luckily, it only affects my vision at up-right and direct-up angles. However, these are the very angles used while riding a sport bike. hehehe I see well enough I can drive day to day commutes and short rides just fine. However, I’m not sure how well I’d do on longer rides. I do exercises to try and bring the eyes in line but if I do to many or I strain against the double vision too much the eyes actually get fatigued and the diplopia increases until I let my eyes rest. I’m planning to go back this year for the extra (and hopefully last) surgery.

This last surgery should be interesting. Basically, they numb you up but you are still awake. They go in, snip the muscle loose from the base, and put a suture on it. They adjust the suture as you describe improvements to your vision. When it reaches normal (or almost normal) vision, they tie it off and let it heal. Bam! The caveat is if the adjustment is too severe I may not go back to a full 100%. That is ok with me. I just need a modular improvement. The latter being why I put it off this long. I was hoping over time my eyes would adjust on their own. Sadly, they haven’t.

So to answer your question (Tony), yes I still ride just not as often. I do kinda miss it. Especially on sunny warm days.

References

References
↑1 It isn’t that expensive but I just have other priorities

Stuff

I haven’t really talked about my ‘stuff’ lately, or not in the sense I used to here. And that is totally a good thing! For over a decade, I’ve used my blog to air out my doubts, fears, demons, and general thoughts on life. I started out blogging for fun. It was new, exciting, and totally inline with a desire to chronicle my life. It quickly turned into an outlet to work on my failings. I felt adrift in so many ways for so long and finding an outlet that gave me an opportunity to focus on myself was a life-saver. I don’t say that casually. Thru my struggles here I have become a better person. And as I age and move thru life, the new habits are becoming set and I am stronger than I’ve ever been. [1]Who says a bitch can’t work on the outside AND the inside?! heehee

*Note – This started as a quick update and Jesus, Mary, Joseph, & John it turned into a long winded rant! Grab some coffee*

Lately, in almost a weekly occurrence I’ve observed or experienced small happenings that I would have reacted to in a completely different (read ‘bad’) manner in the past. And I am continually grateful that I can see past things that would have also hurt me in the past. [2]Hurt is such a simple word but covers a whole host of sins we inflict on ourselves or allow others to inflict upon us If anything, I’m feeling a little sad at how many people I encounter who are so adrift in life like I was for so many years.

I used to think what I did wasn’t really that unique. I’m discovering it really isn’t that common at all. And I’m not sure what made me unique. Was it the resilience I developed from years of mental abuse as a child? Was it learning how to be introspective? Was it blind fate? All of the above? I don’t know. It is hard to express outwardly how far I’ve come. I’ve gone on and on here ad-nauseam about it I’m sure. I struggle to put into words how my mental framework has shifted over the years. And to see me in person, you would notice some differences but you probably would never know otherwise.

I’ve always been good at hiding my personal demons. Call it an unexpected gift from childhood. Not many folks, even my closest friends, really knew how hard it was for me to get by at times. On a related tangent, as hard as my early life was, I was so rarely depressed. The brush with suicide gave me a renewed energy and to this day I can’t help but wonder if that one moment saved me continuously over and over. Now that I think about it, not being depressed made it quite easy to hide everything else. Back on topic, my crippled little id hopped along adapting or borrowing coping-mechanisms as fast as I could find them. The best and simplest exampled involved crossing the street. Yeah, you read it right. I would develop so much conflict in the act of crossing the street at an intersection when cars and people were present. There was this prevailing idea that every person in their fancy cars could see how worthless I was. And they were judging me for my failures and inadequacies. Inadequacy was at the heart of my existence then. I felt unworthy of the simple act of existing. And lest you think me joking, yes I felt that every time I crossed a f**king street alone!

Now imagine the conflict that ensued when my logical and not too terribly unintelligent mind ran into that every time I engaged in life events. Going to a bar was an experiment in how well I could hide the pain while desperately seeking someone to fill the void of loneliness, thru sex or companionship. Picture me trying to reconcile that I’d rather be a top in bed but felt so unworthy of the act I made myself bottom for others. Oh yeah, shit just got real! lolol I made myself into a stereotype (on varying levels) just so I could feel accepted. Most people would kill to avoid being a stereotype and there I was molding myself into one.

It easy for me to laugh now. And even though words fail me at times, these are the examples that really demonstrate the degree of dysfunction inflicted upon me. And to have successfully dragged myself out of that will always be my biggest life’s achievement. One might think it a low bar but such a simple change in focus radiates thru everything I do and am now.

Now I find myself struggling with a way to share this with others and help them grow. Trying to explain it doesn’t seem to do the trick. I’ve tried a few times and it didn’t work. How do you help someone see something they aren’t yet ready to see? I don’t have the answer for that one….yet! *scratches head*

Hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 Who says a bitch can’t work on the outside AND the inside?! heehee
↑2 Hurt is such a simple word but covers a whole host of sins we inflict on ourselves or allow others to inflict upon us

Groups

I’m trying to find more gay social groups to interact with related to working out and fitness. I use an app called Jefit, which I love. [1]Even if it is a little buggy lately It offers online forums and an in-app feed but seem rarely used. BB.com has the BodySpace app, which also has online forums and again sparsely used. *le sigh* Anyone else out there use forums or online fitness groups? Help a brotha out?! So far, Instagram seems to be the best inspiration for me. Sadly, it isn’t really built for 2-way social interaction or groups. That and everyone in fitness there is trying to make money or get "famous". Ugh. Don’t even get me started on some of the bogus ‘fitness brograms’ for sale. Anyyyyyway…..

I’ve jumped from 206 to 214 lbs since I started hitting the gym again. I assume that is muscle since I’ve been hitting the weights and cardio consistently. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been (I think). I got chunky once in my early 20’s and was in a size 35 jean. Yup, size 35! lol I was still under 200 lbs as I had very little muscle then. But I digress, I might have gotten a little heavier after the break up with he who shall not be named but I don’t think I did. Anyway, I could always eat better but I’m doing ok in that dept. I work on eating healthy foods all week by doing meal prep. Shawn and I tend to splurge on weekends; however, my splurges are often richer quality food vs really fatty food. I try not to focus on my scale weight right now as I’m losing and gaining.

I giggled out loud the other day because I was doing arms and I really did feel swole, as the popular hashtag goes. I’m sure anyone watching would have thought I was the most narcissistic bitch ever! And speaking of, I need to sit down and take all my body measurements again so I can create new goals. I’ve incorporated all the muscles I’ve neglected for years ie my legs. lol I’ve always neglected my legs and while they aren’t scrawny, I clearly need to bring them in line with my upper torso. (I’ve said it before but this time I’ve actually built them into a routine and am sticking with it!)

In a related tangent, my buddy Charles has been hitting the gym after several bouts of medical issues. He is an older fella and has really gotten into fitness. I’m always happy when he sends me is new personal bests! Keep it up Charles!

So back to my original rant, anyone know some good fitness groups or apps?

References

References
↑1 Even if it is a little buggy lately

911

I don’t talk about work a lot here as I often feel it is just too much for people. It was never really the purpose of my blog either. The first thing a person often asks me when they discover my line of work, "What is the worst call you’ve ever taken?" Honestly, I’ve taken so many calls over the years, there really isn’t just one or two. I also like to think I don’t remember calls simply because of how awful they are. Actually, I know that is true. But yeah, there are always calls that stick with you for one reason or another. I can name on two hands the calls that have stuck with me. I guess that is good considering it has been 15 years! In no particular order:

1) Gay guy shoots himself on the phone with me.

2) Security guard finds an aborted baby in a trash can on the 15th floor of an office building.

3) Woman with psych issues throws her kids in the bay and drowns them because "the voices said so. ."

4) Little girl calls 911 and hangs up, on call back I had a suspicion she was being molested.

5) Woman calls because her boyfriend has stabbed her (6-9 times) [1]And yet she is still worried the police will shoot him. They also use this one for training new cadets

6) Homeless guy pulls a dying man from a burning vehicle

7) The lion that got loose at the zoo and mauled a kid. (Yes that one)

8) The death of an officer in the line of duty. (Sadly, I’ve been present for two of these)

9) An unwitnessed arrest patient that woke up. [2]Statistically very rare

10) The first baby I helped deliver.

#1 Was very personal to me. I was still very new at the time. He was determined to do it and he did. I felt bad but I knew I had done my absolute best and so never lost sleep over it. I still remember the conversation we had. It had a big impact on my decision to share my own near-suicide from my childhood on my blog.

#4 Is probably the only call where I felt like I failed the caller. The police made contact with the father but couldn’t prove anything. I did a lot of extra work, making calls to different agencies, hunting for any source of proof to push it further. Nothing came of it. It still gnaws at me to this day.

#7 Should be self-explanatory if you lived in SF at the time.

#8 Is still very painful to me and I still get very sad over it at times. I also had a co-worker that took her own life (not at work). She was a classmate and a friend. I still do a remembrance for her every year.

#10 Is by far the funniest because the father was constantly one-step away from losing it the whole time. It wasn’t until I tried to give him instructions on how to clip the cord that he really just lost it. "Oh man, you are asking too much!" was his reply! heehee Luckily, the crews arrived just then. I never got to meet the baby but I hope he is healthy and fabulous!

It shouldn’t come as a surprise I’m looking forward to my extended admin assignment. But don’t misunderstand, it isn’t to avoid these types of calls, just the opposite actually. The time away will allow me to renew the compassion and concern that pushed me into this job in the first place. The breadth of my call volume has definitely been building up on me, even I can see it. I find I’m more jaded and irritated at callers these days. I’m quick to frustration over people who abuse the system.

It used to be I’d take a nice vacation away and come back fully refreshed. Lately, it doesn’t seem to help. If anything, the extraordinarily stable home life as of late has been the biggest offset. Having Shawn and Cooper gives me peace and joy. Anyway, I’m hoping the break from day to day the drama will allow me to recover from years of abuse and raw emotion. I don’t want to end up bitter and angry at the public. I don’t want to not care or be indifferent to the suffering of others.

People often tell me, "you knew what you signed up for", or "you get paid a lot of money, so what if it’s hard." And it might be true on both counts to a degree, but I’m still a human being. I didn’t suddenly gain the ability to not be affected by the work I do. I can’t switch on/off my emotions. And I honestly think I’m better suited for this job than others. I rarely take work home with me and I handle stress pretty well. Even the best person wears down over time.

I’ll still work "the floor" from time to time to keep my skills up, but I’ll be out of daily call rotations for 3-5 years. (I can stay a full 5 or come back after 3) My assignment starts the first week in June. I’ll be in the same building just in a different section. Besides, the super early hours, I’m really looking forward to it.

References

References
↑1 And yet she is still worried the police will shoot him. They also use this one for training new cadets
↑2 Statistically very rare

Too Old

I’ve reached an age where people have started asking me “if I’m too old for [insert behavior] that.” One of the biggest is video games. Let me just say, anytime you ask someone if they are too old for video games, you clearly don’t play video games. If you played with any level of frequency, you’d know better. Most video games are made for young men but they appeal to a broad spectrum of players. And with ‘mobile’ eating into the console market, it will only get broader.

As I’ve mentioned here, I don’t mind aging. I don’t have a desire to chase my youth, as the phrase goes. The shortest answer I can give anyone is I’ll be too old when I’m bored or dead. Beyond that, I just giggle and keep going. And honestly, even if the person is too old for something, if they are happy and not hurting anyone, who cares? I kind of used to be that way. There was this guy back home that dressed like he was a teenager. He was well into his 40’s at the time and it was painfully obvious. I admit I kinda looked down on him a bit. I thought he was trying to hold onto his childhood. But so what if he was. He never harmed me or anyone else by it. And he seemed happy. Shame on me for looking down on him. Being an adult doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or do things you enjoyed as a child/teenager.

To date, I’ve been asked if I’m too old to: ride motorcycles, rollerblade, play video games, watch cartoons, wear tshirts, and even to blog. There are more but you get the point. Who sets these arbitrary age limits anyway? hehehe Anyway, while I’ll probably stop riding motorcycle/rollerblades some day, I’m no where near that day yet. I love cartoons, albeit animated movies mostly these days. I’ll play video games until they bore me or my fingers are too gnarled to mange a controller. I will always wear tshirts and who knows how long I will continue to blog. I will say I won’t give up on anything because someone thinks I’m too old.

 

Recovered

I’ve finally recovered enough to hit a solid

image
Slowly killing the dadbod

schedule in the gym again! Lawd baby jeebus I am so happy. haha

You’ll remember back around the new year I sprained my back. Well, I also had some minor rotator cuff issues going on at the time. I didn’t think much of it; however, I somehow managed to make it worse. I honestly do not remember doing anything that aggravated it but it got a lot worse. It was serious enough I had to stop working out heavy completely. I spent a couple months maintaining and just doing light weights with exercises that helped stretch the area w/o over-working it. Lo and behold, I appear to have recovered completely. I’ve slowly been working back up to heavy weights in the gym with no complications. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. That "tight" feeling is returning to my muscles.

I’m not overweight by any means but I’m not happy with where I am. That doesn’t stop me from "feeling" fat. Having been back in the gym for 3 weeks in a row now has been very invigorating. I’ve missed it. I’ll never be a meathead but I like feeling strong and fit. Complacency is the devil and greasy food are his minions. heehee I can already see changes in my belly fat even though I’ve put on weight. As of yesterday I’m 211 lbs. Granted a chunk of that is fat but my goal was always 230. [1]210 muscle and 20 fat I’m not sure if I’ll ever reach that goal, but it doesn’t mean I’ll give up.

Hope springs eternal….

References

References
↑1 210 muscle and 20 fat

Room

My roommate is moving out. Actually, this will be the 2nd time he has moved out. He left for awhile when “he who shall not be named” and I were dating. It ended up working out for him to move back afterwards. It was kind of odd how it worked out. We didn’t plan it. It was just a series of events that made it work for both of us again. Anyway, he leaving on good terms. Him and his beau need their own place and with changes in their respective work locations, it just makes good sense. I’m sure they want their own place anyway.

I’m happy for them but it’s a little sad too. Carl and I get along really well. He moved in originally after Neil left for LA. Neil was an easy choice because I’d already known him for so long. I’m picky about who I live with and usually it has to be someone I already know or know of. Carl and I knew each other thru respective exes. Actually, we met when I was still seeing Drew. Drew was besties with Dodger and Carl was dating Dodger at the time. Confused yet?  I knew enough about him I was comfortable with being roomies. We talked and arranged a trial move in to see how things went. It worked out good for both of us. We almost never fight and even now with 4 of us practically living here, it has been pretty agreeable. Travis, his bf, isn’t officially a roomie but he might as well be. hehehe He is here all the time and we like having him around. Plus, he loves playing with Cooper and anyone who loves dogs can’t be all bad, right? heehee

Short of Neil moving back or Trevan moving to SF, I doubt I’d ever find a roomie I get along with so well again. Well besides Shawn obviously, but were partners so that’s a given. Carl and I had enough in common to remain friends but we weren’t always in each other’s way. Even our schedules are different enough we almost never fight over the one bathroom. Yup, you read it right. Four of us usually share one bathroom!

Anyway, we won’t be replacing him after he moves out. It’ll certainly mean a rent increase, but luckily we can afford it. And when I say ‘afford it’ meaning we go back to getting screwed royally over the high rent prices here. Even with our rent control, rent heree is ridiculous. It will dent the discretionary spending significantly.

Besides missing having him around, we’ll have to try to find a new sitter for Cooper. Carl has been here pretty much since Cooper came along.It wasn’t that long after I adopted Cooper that Carl came back. Cooper has bonded to him and I know he’ll miss having him around. I’ll also miss having someone to watch Cooper for me when Shawn and I travel and can’t take him. Cooper didn’t do well the last time I tried to kennel him over night. I’m hoping I don’t have to go back to that. Plus, he knew Carl so he handled me being gone better. Luckily for Cooper, Uncle Carl will still be around and will pop in from time to time to visit.

Carl will be missed for sure. The apartment feels as much his as it does mine and I’m sure it will feel weird for awhile without him.

Week

I reached a new milestone at work this year. As of April, I’ll have been employed in the same job for 15 years! And with the glorious news comes an extra week of vacation moving forward. The fact I’ve worked in one place for so long is news in itself.

I bounced around a lot when I was younger from job to job and place to place. Without realizing it at the time, I was searching for a place to call home and it wasn’t until I hit San Francisco that I found it. While I had some good jobs over the years, some I liked, others I hated. They all benefited me in one way or another. It wasn’t until I landed in emergency services that I seemed to settle. When I took the job here, I had other offers on my plate and I took it almost on a whim. There were several very random occurrences or coincidences that helped push me into this line of work.

Fast forward, here I am 15 years later still at it. I’m fully vested here and consider myself very fortunate. I won’t have to worry about income or health benefits when I retire and I’ll be able to provide for myself and Shawn. For someone who came from such poor means, I’m so very proud of my accomplishments. I’m not rich and never will be but I’m proud of my work and it gives me comfort knowing I’ll be ok when I get older. It wasn’t always so easy. When I first started it was right after the PGE rolling blackouts and just before the dot.com bust. Even then, I had a hard time making ends meet. I made a lot less than I do now and eking out a living was tough. I stuck it out and thru several busted/broken relationships and 15 years I’ve reached some stability. I make enough to keep more than just the bills paid and can afford a few luxuries. The irony is I’d do quite well pretty much anywhere else on my salary. Of course, I also wouldn’t make said salary anywhere else either.

A few weeks ago I was discussing the old days with a former blogger and he mentioned the passing of my father. I was so broke at the time I ended up soliciting donations on my blog so I could afford a trip home. [1]He had sent me a nice check for which I was eternally grateful There was no such thing as gofundme or indiegogo stuff back then. All we had was the "tip jar" button that was tied to PayPal. I was a bit embarrassed and felt a little guilty when I did it but I sure appreciated those who reached out to help me. Several complete strangers offered money and it was just enough to push me over the edge to make the trip. Thankfully, I’ve come a long way since then.

So yeah, I busted my ass and stuck it out. There were several times I wanted to quit and just walk away. The stress, drama, and negativity builds up on you over time. Luckily, I persevered and I’m still here. And while the idea of living here for the rest of my life still appeals to me, the cost will eventually push me out of the city. Its just too expensive.

Either way, I’m stuck here for another 15 years. I don’t plan to retire until I reach the max benefit, which requires 30 years of service and be age 65. Plus, I like working and I want to max out what I can because once I retire I’m on a fixed income for the rest of my life. Of course, if you had asked me 15 years ago if I’d ever be happily engaged, financially stable, debt-free, and a plan for the future, I would have laughed at you. It was never even in the realm of possibilities for me back then.

So I move into year 15 of my career with an eager look to the future. I hope the next 15 years treats me with the same growth and progress that the last 15 have.

Hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 He had sent me a nice check for which I was eternally grateful

D&D

Today marks the anniversary of my Mom’s death. She died when I was young. For some reason this year I’ve been thinking of her a lot. She always pops into my mind around this time but this year it seems more insistent. It has been almost a daily occurrence for the last few weeks. A memory will randomly pop into my head or something will invoke a memory of her.

It has been long enough now the memories are beginning to get fuzzy. Some of them used to be crystal clear and others were always fragmented. I was so young at the time. There are a still a few memories that feel so real and vivid. I think I’ve mentioned different memories in past rants. For whatever reason, I have a lot of good memories of her sewing. She enjoyed it so I think I picked up on that. Anyway, she’d be sewing away and randomly look up to see what kind of mischief I was into. On one particular day she paused and looked up at me and to her surprise, I was looking back at her rather intently. She asked what I was doing and I just stared at her. She smiled, I smiled and the moment was gone. She went back to her sewing and I went who knows where to get into mischief. I wasn’t thinking anything overly important or specific. I’m not even sure why this one memory is still so strong. I might have been 3 or 4 at the time. I wasn’t 5 because that’s when the cancer diagnosis came and my life went crazy for awhile.

The anniversary of my dad’s death is only a few days from hers. While my dad’s death is much more recent, it doesn’t seem to invoke the same type of memories for me. While he and I patched things up at the end, we were very distant for a good chunk of my life. I’m sure that is why the memories are different. Anyway, I remember my mom’s hair, the scrunched up face she would make during moments of deep concentration. I remember her kind smile and even the thin line her lips made when she was angry. I remember she always liked having me with her. She never made me feel like a nuisance or a hassle. I had a habit of walking into the kitchen and just snuggling up against her leg rather absent-mindedly while she was cooking. I remember my little rocking chair that I absolutely loved. It was in the shape of a horse and it was one of those fixations that kids sometimes get with certain toys. I remember it breaking in the middle of the night one time and I cried and cried. My mom made my dad go out that night and find a piece of wood to fix it. He took it in the back room, patched it up and even fixed one of the little eyes that had come loose. I was beyond gleeful and grateful.

I don’t really know why she is on my mind so much this year. I miss her though. I wish she’d had a chance to see me grow up. I can’t say how she would have taken my being gay but I can’t help but think my life would have been better back then had she been around. She always seemed to be the warm spot for my dad. Oh they fought and sometimes like cats and dogs, but they always made up. Ironically, the best memories of my father are the short years between my mom’s death and him remarrying.

There isn’t any sense romanticizing about what might or might not have happened. My life is what it is and I am where I am because of my life. I talk about her here is so I don’t forget her. She is alive in my memories and if I keep those alive, she will live with me. And even though I probably view her thru the eyes of a small child, I still remember and that is enough for me.

Destroy

I’m in a mood today.

Why is it anytime something happens the so called "devout christians" don’t like god is going to destroy America?’ Every other day now there is some hypocritical blow-hard declaring we are going to be destroyed if [abc person] gets elected or [xyz law] passes. SMDH

Out of all the atrocities occurring in the world on a daily basis ‘god’ is going to smite us because they don’t get their bigoted way? I guess having a monopoly on the idea of what a god would/wouldn’t say means one gets to deftly ignore everything else in favor of cause de jure. These folks always ramp up their rhetoric during elections. They can’t use common sense or logic so they fall back on fear and ignorance. They are utterly predictable now.

What is sad in all of this is they are gaining influence. As we let our children continually be deprived of a decent education in this country, ignorance and anti-intellectualism are on the rise. The ignorant are often easily swayed by emotions. Add in the mind-numbing influence of social media these days and it is a perfect platform.

Here’s a newsflash for said folks. Your god isn’t going to do anything. We; however, will most likely wipe ourselves out. It won’t be because of who won/lost an election or what law passed or didn’t. No, our blind indifference to the devastation we are causing this planet will mostly likely be a contributing factor. And we’ll never do anything about it because our greed is too powerful. Our never-ending obsession with wealth and control will be our end.

In brighter news, [insert choice] sports team won something! That is totes more important than any tree-hugging hippie news right?