Category: me

Busy

I have been busier than a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest! Oh lawd baby jeebus.

So yeah, my new admin gig keeps me pretty busy. It didn’t help my coworker went on vacation. (I’m not complaining at all. Vacation is good)  On the flip-side my paycheck should be phat this next payday. haha  I do like it overall, but I’m still struggling with the hours. Being up at 5:00 am is painful. To be more accurate, it isn’t the getting up part, it’s the going to bed part I struggle with. For the life of me, I am still struggling to get to bed in time to get a full 8-hours. It’s been easily a month now. It doesn’t help Shawn has become so accustomed to my late schedule that he is totally out of sync w/me now. I barely see him weeknights. [1]I’m sure he likes the down time.  I’ve also been rather sad over all the recent tragedies going on. I just can’t bear to dive into it for awhile. So many wrongs on all sides and it is only getting worse. But I digress…

It doesn’t help that my ‘quick’ naps end up being 2 hour naps usually.  I mean what gives with that? I used to be the king of power naps. I could close my eyes and get a 15-20 min power nap and feel refreshed. Now, I’m down for the count. haha  Damn getting old.  Being on a 10-hour day means hitting the ground running or I miss something. So far it seems to be a toss-up between sleep and gym time. Arrgh. The struggle is real.

Cooper has adjusted fine. He is awake and ready as soon as he hears my alarm kick on. It’s a routine fight not to trip and fall over him hovering under my feet in the dark. All he knows is daddy gets up in the dark to feed him and he gets to go back to sleep when daddy leaves. Rude!

Anyway, I haven’t mentioned any of my traveling plans as of late. Shawn and I have been on a tear these last few weekends. I’ll get to it as I figure out my new rhythms. At least the new gig is going well. I enjoy my coworker (we’ve always gotten along well) and the work keeps me busy. I’m learning different aspects of the legal and criminal systems, which is always good. I just need to get the schedule under control.

And speaking of, the next batch of work just arrived.

 

 

References

References
↑1 I’m sure he likes the down time.

Clueless

I just can’t bear to discuss the recent tragedy in Orlando yet so I’m posting some light humor instead for now.

I’ve switched to my new schedule at work and now have Friday’s instead of Monday’s off. My dept is incredibly short staffed [1]as usual and I’m headed in for some overtime. I’m dressed, Cooper is settled, and got my biker gear on. One problem, I can’t find my damn keys. I race around the house looking and tearing everything apart. I spend the better part of 10 minutes looking and I’m out of time. I can’t find my damn keys!

I finally give up and order Lyft. I have a spare door key to lock the front door. I’m walking out the front door to get in the Lyft and I turn, out of sheer habit, to double lock the outside main door… wait for it….. wait for it…. with my damn keys!

They were in my hand the whole time!

Needless to say, I can be a bit clueless at times. I giggled all the way to work.

Go forth and be merry.

References

References
↑1 as usual

Funny

**Thru a random keystroke I accidentally posted this before it was complete. It’s what I get for mutil-tasking and watching the Sharks game. For you subscribers, sorry for the double emails…**

I ran into a random blog reader a couple weeks back at Starbucks. He was very excited to meet me. I was a taken aback just a little bit by his anxiety though. He seemed absolutely terrified! I say it as a declarative, not to poke fun. Tommy was so timid and I could tell it really took a lot to come say hi. We sat around for a bit chatting and killing time. Apparently, he lives in LA but happened to be in SF for a weekend and just happened to bump into me. He has been reading my blog as a lurker [1]Affectionate term given to those who read but never comment since 2005! I know, right!

Anyway, after we had chatted for a bit I guess he realized he didn’t have to be nervous. He confessed he was surprised 1) I was so friendly, and 2) I was so funny. This always gives me pause because if you know me in person, you know what a nutball I can be. And this isn’t the first time someone has mentioned it to me. I guess I just don’t do a good enough job bringing my sense of humor out in the blog very often. [2]I’m not sure I convinced him to start commenting though.

I blame the lack of humor on why and how I blog. In an effort to train myself to be objective about my behaviors and triggers, I somehow managed to filter out my humor. I also tend to be speak very directly. In person, this is softened up with my inflection but online I’m sure it can come across more terse. I think my humor does peak thru from time to time, but I admit I think I do a poor job of really letting it shine.

I do plan to work on it. I hate the idea that folks would come away thinking I’m too serious or ‘no fun.’ Lawd, if you only knew! On a side rant, I’m headed back to Texas for the first time in like forever around the end of the month. I’ll be reuniting with both of my besties which should be the final test of Shawn and I’s relationship. If he can survive a whole weekend with the three of us terrors together, it is definitely love! hehehe

References

References
↑1 Affectionate term given to those who read but never comment
↑2 I’m not sure I convinced him to start commenting though.

Ride

While clearing the backlog of emails from the blog, I got asked if I still ride my motorcycle. The answer is yes. I ride it pretty much every week back and forth to work. I haven’t been doing many long rides due to my continuing diplopia and I "still" haven’t fixed the cracked fin on the left side. [1]It isn’t that expensive but I just have other priorities

You’ll remember I had the two eye surgeries to fix some ongoing issues over a year ago. All the structural issues were fixed and doing well. However, the right eye muscles never adjusted back to normal. The eye had adjusted for so long the muscles are now out of alignment. Luckily, it only affects my vision at up-right and direct-up angles. However, these are the very angles used while riding a sport bike. hehehe I see well enough I can drive day to day commutes and short rides just fine. However, I’m not sure how well I’d do on longer rides. I do exercises to try and bring the eyes in line but if I do to many or I strain against the double vision too much the eyes actually get fatigued and the diplopia increases until I let my eyes rest. I’m planning to go back this year for the extra (and hopefully last) surgery.

This last surgery should be interesting. Basically, they numb you up but you are still awake. They go in, snip the muscle loose from the base, and put a suture on it. They adjust the suture as you describe improvements to your vision. When it reaches normal (or almost normal) vision, they tie it off and let it heal. Bam! The caveat is if the adjustment is too severe I may not go back to a full 100%. That is ok with me. I just need a modular improvement. The latter being why I put it off this long. I was hoping over time my eyes would adjust on their own. Sadly, they haven’t.

So to answer your question (Tony), yes I still ride just not as often. I do kinda miss it. Especially on sunny warm days.

References

References
↑1 It isn’t that expensive but I just have other priorities

Stuff

I haven’t really talked about my ‘stuff’ lately, or not in the sense I used to here. And that is totally a good thing! For over a decade, I’ve used my blog to air out my doubts, fears, demons, and general thoughts on life. I started out blogging for fun. It was new, exciting, and totally inline with a desire to chronicle my life. It quickly turned into an outlet to work on my failings. I felt adrift in so many ways for so long and finding an outlet that gave me an opportunity to focus on myself was a life-saver. I don’t say that casually. Thru my struggles here I have become a better person. And as I age and move thru life, the new habits are becoming set and I am stronger than I’ve ever been. [1]Who says a bitch can’t work on the outside AND the inside?! heehee

*Note – This started as a quick update and Jesus, Mary, Joseph, & John it turned into a long winded rant! Grab some coffee*

Lately, in almost a weekly occurrence I’ve observed or experienced small happenings that I would have reacted to in a completely different (read ‘bad’) manner in the past. And I am continually grateful that I can see past things that would have also hurt me in the past. [2]Hurt is such a simple word but covers a whole host of sins we inflict on ourselves or allow others to inflict upon us If anything, I’m feeling a little sad at how many people I encounter who are so adrift in life like I was for so many years.

I used to think what I did wasn’t really that unique. I’m discovering it really isn’t that common at all. And I’m not sure what made me unique. Was it the resilience I developed from years of mental abuse as a child? Was it learning how to be introspective? Was it blind fate? All of the above? I don’t know. It is hard to express outwardly how far I’ve come. I’ve gone on and on here ad-nauseam about it I’m sure. I struggle to put into words how my mental framework has shifted over the years. And to see me in person, you would notice some differences but you probably would never know otherwise.

I’ve always been good at hiding my personal demons. Call it an unexpected gift from childhood. Not many folks, even my closest friends, really knew how hard it was for me to get by at times. On a related tangent, as hard as my early life was, I was so rarely depressed. The brush with suicide gave me a renewed energy and to this day I can’t help but wonder if that one moment saved me continuously over and over. Now that I think about it, not being depressed made it quite easy to hide everything else. Back on topic, my crippled little id hopped along adapting or borrowing coping-mechanisms as fast as I could find them. The best and simplest exampled involved crossing the street. Yeah, you read it right. I would develop so much conflict in the act of crossing the street at an intersection when cars and people were present. There was this prevailing idea that every person in their fancy cars could see how worthless I was. And they were judging me for my failures and inadequacies. Inadequacy was at the heart of my existence then. I felt unworthy of the simple act of existing. And lest you think me joking, yes I felt that every time I crossed a f**king street alone!

Now imagine the conflict that ensued when my logical and not too terribly unintelligent mind ran into that every time I engaged in life events. Going to a bar was an experiment in how well I could hide the pain while desperately seeking someone to fill the void of loneliness, thru sex or companionship. Picture me trying to reconcile that I’d rather be a top in bed but felt so unworthy of the act I made myself bottom for others. Oh yeah, shit just got real! lolol I made myself into a stereotype (on varying levels) just so I could feel accepted. Most people would kill to avoid being a stereotype and there I was molding myself into one.

It easy for me to laugh now. And even though words fail me at times, these are the examples that really demonstrate the degree of dysfunction inflicted upon me. And to have successfully dragged myself out of that will always be my biggest life’s achievement. One might think it a low bar but such a simple change in focus radiates thru everything I do and am now.

Now I find myself struggling with a way to share this with others and help them grow. Trying to explain it doesn’t seem to do the trick. I’ve tried a few times and it didn’t work. How do you help someone see something they aren’t yet ready to see? I don’t have the answer for that one….yet! *scratches head*

Hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 Who says a bitch can’t work on the outside AND the inside?! heehee
↑2 Hurt is such a simple word but covers a whole host of sins we inflict on ourselves or allow others to inflict upon us

Groups

I’m trying to find more gay social groups to interact with related to working out and fitness. I use an app called Jefit, which I love. [1]Even if it is a little buggy lately It offers online forums and an in-app feed but seem rarely used. BB.com has the BodySpace app, which also has online forums and again sparsely used. *le sigh* Anyone else out there use forums or online fitness groups? Help a brotha out?! So far, Instagram seems to be the best inspiration for me. Sadly, it isn’t really built for 2-way social interaction or groups. That and everyone in fitness there is trying to make money or get "famous". Ugh. Don’t even get me started on some of the bogus ‘fitness brograms’ for sale. Anyyyyyway…..

I’ve jumped from 206 to 214 lbs since I started hitting the gym again. I assume that is muscle since I’ve been hitting the weights and cardio consistently. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been (I think). I got chunky once in my early 20’s and was in a size 35 jean. Yup, size 35! lol I was still under 200 lbs as I had very little muscle then. But I digress, I might have gotten a little heavier after the break up with he who shall not be named but I don’t think I did. Anyway, I could always eat better but I’m doing ok in that dept. I work on eating healthy foods all week by doing meal prep. Shawn and I tend to splurge on weekends; however, my splurges are often richer quality food vs really fatty food. I try not to focus on my scale weight right now as I’m losing and gaining.

I giggled out loud the other day because I was doing arms and I really did feel swole, as the popular hashtag goes. I’m sure anyone watching would have thought I was the most narcissistic bitch ever! And speaking of, I need to sit down and take all my body measurements again so I can create new goals. I’ve incorporated all the muscles I’ve neglected for years ie my legs. lol I’ve always neglected my legs and while they aren’t scrawny, I clearly need to bring them in line with my upper torso. (I’ve said it before but this time I’ve actually built them into a routine and am sticking with it!)

In a related tangent, my buddy Charles has been hitting the gym after several bouts of medical issues. He is an older fella and has really gotten into fitness. I’m always happy when he sends me is new personal bests! Keep it up Charles!

So back to my original rant, anyone know some good fitness groups or apps?

References

References
↑1 Even if it is a little buggy lately

911

I don’t talk about work a lot here as I often feel it is just too much for people. It was never really the purpose of my blog either. The first thing a person often asks me when they discover my line of work, "What is the worst call you’ve ever taken?" Honestly, I’ve taken so many calls over the years, there really isn’t just one or two. I also like to think I don’t remember calls simply because of how awful they are. Actually, I know that is true. But yeah, there are always calls that stick with you for one reason or another. I can name on two hands the calls that have stuck with me. I guess that is good considering it has been 15 years! In no particular order:

1) Gay guy shoots himself on the phone with me.

2) Security guard finds an aborted baby in a trash can on the 15th floor of an office building.

3) Woman with psych issues throws her kids in the bay and drowns them because "the voices said so. ."

4) Little girl calls 911 and hangs up, on call back I had a suspicion she was being molested.

5) Woman calls because her boyfriend has stabbed her (6-9 times) [1]And yet she is still worried the police will shoot him. They also use this one for training new cadets

6) Homeless guy pulls a dying man from a burning vehicle

7) The lion that got loose at the zoo and mauled a kid. (Yes that one)

8) The death of an officer in the line of duty. (Sadly, I’ve been present for two of these)

9) An unwitnessed arrest patient that woke up. [2]Statistically very rare

10) The first baby I helped deliver.

#1 Was very personal to me. I was still very new at the time. He was determined to do it and he did. I felt bad but I knew I had done my absolute best and so never lost sleep over it. I still remember the conversation we had. It had a big impact on my decision to share my own near-suicide from my childhood on my blog.

#4 Is probably the only call where I felt like I failed the caller. The police made contact with the father but couldn’t prove anything. I did a lot of extra work, making calls to different agencies, hunting for any source of proof to push it further. Nothing came of it. It still gnaws at me to this day.

#7 Should be self-explanatory if you lived in SF at the time.

#8 Is still very painful to me and I still get very sad over it at times. I also had a co-worker that took her own life (not at work). She was a classmate and a friend. I still do a remembrance for her every year.

#10 Is by far the funniest because the father was constantly one-step away from losing it the whole time. It wasn’t until I tried to give him instructions on how to clip the cord that he really just lost it. "Oh man, you are asking too much!" was his reply! heehee Luckily, the crews arrived just then. I never got to meet the baby but I hope he is healthy and fabulous!

It shouldn’t come as a surprise I’m looking forward to my extended admin assignment. But don’t misunderstand, it isn’t to avoid these types of calls, just the opposite actually. The time away will allow me to renew the compassion and concern that pushed me into this job in the first place. The breadth of my call volume has definitely been building up on me, even I can see it. I find I’m more jaded and irritated at callers these days. I’m quick to frustration over people who abuse the system.

It used to be I’d take a nice vacation away and come back fully refreshed. Lately, it doesn’t seem to help. If anything, the extraordinarily stable home life as of late has been the biggest offset. Having Shawn and Cooper gives me peace and joy. Anyway, I’m hoping the break from day to day the drama will allow me to recover from years of abuse and raw emotion. I don’t want to end up bitter and angry at the public. I don’t want to not care or be indifferent to the suffering of others.

People often tell me, "you knew what you signed up for", or "you get paid a lot of money, so what if it’s hard." And it might be true on both counts to a degree, but I’m still a human being. I didn’t suddenly gain the ability to not be affected by the work I do. I can’t switch on/off my emotions. And I honestly think I’m better suited for this job than others. I rarely take work home with me and I handle stress pretty well. Even the best person wears down over time.

I’ll still work "the floor" from time to time to keep my skills up, but I’ll be out of daily call rotations for 3-5 years. (I can stay a full 5 or come back after 3) My assignment starts the first week in June. I’ll be in the same building just in a different section. Besides, the super early hours, I’m really looking forward to it.

References

References
↑1 And yet she is still worried the police will shoot him. They also use this one for training new cadets
↑2 Statistically very rare

Too Old

I’ve reached an age where people have started asking me “if I’m too old for [insert behavior] that.” One of the biggest is video games. Let me just say, anytime you ask someone if they are too old for video games, you clearly don’t play video games. If you played with any level of frequency, you’d know better. Most video games are made for young men but they appeal to a broad spectrum of players. And with ‘mobile’ eating into the console market, it will only get broader.

As I’ve mentioned here, I don’t mind aging. I don’t have a desire to chase my youth, as the phrase goes. The shortest answer I can give anyone is I’ll be too old when I’m bored or dead. Beyond that, I just giggle and keep going. And honestly, even if the person is too old for something, if they are happy and not hurting anyone, who cares? I kind of used to be that way. There was this guy back home that dressed like he was a teenager. He was well into his 40’s at the time and it was painfully obvious. I admit I kinda looked down on him a bit. I thought he was trying to hold onto his childhood. But so what if he was. He never harmed me or anyone else by it. And he seemed happy. Shame on me for looking down on him. Being an adult doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or do things you enjoyed as a child/teenager.

To date, I’ve been asked if I’m too old to: ride motorcycles, rollerblade, play video games, watch cartoons, wear tshirts, and even to blog. There are more but you get the point. Who sets these arbitrary age limits anyway? hehehe Anyway, while I’ll probably stop riding motorcycle/rollerblades some day, I’m no where near that day yet. I love cartoons, albeit animated movies mostly these days. I’ll play video games until they bore me or my fingers are too gnarled to mange a controller. I will always wear tshirts and who knows how long I will continue to blog. I will say I won’t give up on anything because someone thinks I’m too old.

 

Recovered

I’ve finally recovered enough to hit a solid

image
Slowly killing the dadbod

schedule in the gym again! Lawd baby jeebus I am so happy. haha

You’ll remember back around the new year I sprained my back. Well, I also had some minor rotator cuff issues going on at the time. I didn’t think much of it; however, I somehow managed to make it worse. I honestly do not remember doing anything that aggravated it but it got a lot worse. It was serious enough I had to stop working out heavy completely. I spent a couple months maintaining and just doing light weights with exercises that helped stretch the area w/o over-working it. Lo and behold, I appear to have recovered completely. I’ve slowly been working back up to heavy weights in the gym with no complications. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. That "tight" feeling is returning to my muscles.

I’m not overweight by any means but I’m not happy with where I am. That doesn’t stop me from "feeling" fat. Having been back in the gym for 3 weeks in a row now has been very invigorating. I’ve missed it. I’ll never be a meathead but I like feeling strong and fit. Complacency is the devil and greasy food are his minions. heehee I can already see changes in my belly fat even though I’ve put on weight. As of yesterday I’m 211 lbs. Granted a chunk of that is fat but my goal was always 230. [1]210 muscle and 20 fat I’m not sure if I’ll ever reach that goal, but it doesn’t mean I’ll give up.

Hope springs eternal….

References

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↑1 210 muscle and 20 fat