Category: me

Grief

I’m still processing my grief from the election. I’m not gonna lie, I’m gobsmacked he won. What hurts the most is the majority voted for him knowing exactly who he was.

While I’m still trying to come to terms with my profound sadness, I do have a few thoughts:

  • I’m grateful to be in SF and a state that will fight for my rights instead of throwing me under the bus.
  • My faith in humanity has been shaken and I don’t know if I will ever recover it.
  • I’m a kind person but some will soon discover how truly cruel I can be.

A part of me I thought dead is waking up. It scares me, but I’m past caring now. It speaks to me in my dreams but I remember in the waking world.

Take precautions to protect yourself and those you love. Logic is broken and the mob rules now.

Application?

I mentioned a few months back that I was applying for other city jobs. Someone reached out to me for a follow up and I realized I never posted an update. I did not get the job(s). I’ve actually applied for three. Two were internal and it is clear to me my years of working within the Union has made it difficult for me to progress internally for any position that doesn’t involve the normal civil service process. Most of the positions I want or would consider fall outside that scope.

The 3rd position was an appointed position. Many of these types of positions are setup to bypass the normal civil service rule process by design. Many times a director or manager already has a candidate they want but they still have to post it and allow anyone who feels qualified to submit an application. I knew that going into it so while disappointing, it is not unexpected at all.

Unfortunately, because of my salary requirements many of the jobs I want fall into “appointed positions”. The others often require 4-6 year degrees. And while I have a wealth of experience, it isn’t like corporate America where a hiring manager can look at your application and really grasp your ability to do a job based on skills. Civil service is very regimented and if you don’t click a certain box, you can be overlooked or even ruled as ineligible.

I still have a job so I have the luxury of trying until I find a replacement. And if I don’t, well I’m still employed. lol A bitch gotta eat and the only way I’d leave is for greener pastures. There are some developments on the horizon that might give me some more immediate release but not worth bringing up until it happens.

Current Events

I often get questions about current political events. I might engage offline but I try not to talk about politics here too much. It’s divisive, routinely toxic, and neither side is really listening. I usually prefer to talk about related events and overlapping issues to teach or inform vs swaying anyone to “my side.” In light of recent events, I may rethink that rule. I don’t want this space to turn into a political forum, but some topics just need to be addressed.

It shouldn’t surprise you as a gay man living in SF I tend to be more progressive. Having grown up in South Texas, I like to think having been exposed to both sides of the spectrum, I can be more objective. However, my objectiveness and avoidance of political topics does not include anything challenging my right to exist unmolested.

You are entitled to your beliefs up until you decide to weaponize them against my existence. Anything in that category we cannot “agree to disagree” on. And why is it the loudest voices are often the least informed? Frankly, I’ve learned to not waste my time on people who are willfully ignorant.

Sadly, identity politics seems to be going mainstream. It’s disturbing how this ideology has really taken hold in our society. I am passionate about my beliefs, but also willing to look past bias if I am presented with truth or facts to dispute it.

I don’t know where we’re headed but I have hope that the Orange Turd will not get reelected. He had plausible belief on his side the first time. This time many of those folks see him for what he really is.

Cringey

If you use any social media these days, I’m sure you’ve seen the cringe content. [1]Content that is blatantly made to show off a person’s anatomy, usually to advertise their fans or similar accounts  Or maybe I’m just a whore and the one seeing it a lot. hehehe Continuing on the vein that me being a whore is not the problem, it has really picked up a lot lately. Don’t even get me started on the “influencers.”

Most days, I just block the worst ones and keep going. On one hand, I feel like it’s just one more step in the demoralization of society thru social media and the “me” mentality. On the other hand, I’m glad to see more people are less judgmental about sex work. I see zero problems with a person using what they got to make a living. You use your mind to get jobs, why is using your body any different? As long as you are a consenting adult not being coerced, go for it.

That said, that’s not my purpose for being on social media. I’m always saddened when an account I already follow starts their own fan site. Inevitably, their social accounts all turn into ad-engines for their “content”. It’s usually an unfollow from me. I might be shallow, but I need something other than a boner to keep me following someone.  (Don’t say it, Steve.)

The hubby will just roll his eyes sometimes when I’m scrolling thru YouTube shorts on the TV. It’s 50% weird/funny and 50% hot guys. Some of the content is a little cringy and some of it is just awful. lolol  Luckily, I don’t get my self-esteem thru comparing myself to these guys so it’s not a negative…for me. I can understand for some it could end up being harmful. That is definitely a nut we can crack another day. I’m ranting about my shallowness right now after all. And in that vein of thought, [2]see what I did there? Lol  some of the more aggressive advertisements have taken to using toys to show off what they “have”, so to speak. I’m like, do you think we can’t tell? Or do people just not care? Do people pay for hot guys waving around a fake appendage as if it’s real? Inquiring minds need to know! A quick Google search shows many of them turn out to have the goods (allegedly ), but I guess they need it to appear more visible than it otherwise would without full exposure.

And knowing what some of them make, I wonder if I chose the wrong career path sometimes. I’m too old for that life but it’s a shame it took so long for “fan” sites to not only be accepted but popular. I could have made a bank. 😜 And none of that coy teasing nonsense either.

I wish you could see me laughing as I type this stuff. The blog was always focused on my self-discovery and growth for so many years, I don’t think my silly side came across as part of my personality often enough.

Now you know. 🙂

 

 

References

References
↑1 Content that is blatantly made to show off a person’s anatomy, usually to advertise their fans or similar accounts
↑2 see what I did there? Lol

Who Dis?

I don’t get a lot of sp*m, courtesy of my Pixel Phone. Google does a pretty good job filtering out most of those calls. Lately, I’ve noticed an uptick in sp*m texts. And while a lot of them get filtered out, some make it thru. The new scam is to basically act like they have the wrong number and then they spend time luring you into a scam. It can take days or even weeks.

When I notice more than a few coming in, I’ve started texting a couple at a time, telling them my phone is dying, and to text my other phone. As you might surmise, I then give them the other scammers phone number. I get tickled wondering how long they go at it before realizing what’s happened. Lol I of course mark them as junk and block.

One day I was feeling particularly contentious and launched into a scenario with the person but immediately made up an emergency and asked them for money. I kept at it until the person told me to F**k O**. Hehehe. It took him almost 30 minutes to figure it out. I kept texting for hours too asking for money over and over.

On a side tangent, I’m still shocked how many people fall for these scams. I get calls weekly at work from folks who sent thousands of dollars only to realize too late they are being scammed.

And if you’ve been lucky enough to not get these, it simple. The unknown person texts as if they are texting a person they know, and unless you’re having fun like me, ignore it. It’s highly likely to be a scam. Also, no legitimate agency or business takes payment for services in gift cards. The police or feds do not offer to take monetary settlements for warrants or charges over the phone. The US Treasury does not send local police to arrest you for back taxes. And when it’s the [insert relative name] is in jail scam, again the police will not call you to prevent their arrest by

Lean…er

So I’m the leanest I’ve been in about a decade. I’m not doing anything extraordinary just trying to eat better and change my eating habits. I don’t eat terrible per se, we just tend to eat out a lot. I shared the pic on my IG so you’ve probably already seen it, but I’m still focused on trying to lose another 10-15 lbs.

While I’m always struggling to get a little more muscle and a little less fat, it’s not based on feeling insecure. Overall, I’m happy with my size. As I age, I feel itt’s more important than ever to keep myself healthy. Working out keeps me fit and sane. I went nuts not being able to workout during COVID.

Instead of forcing myself to do a day of cardio as part of my routine, I added an extra high intensity core exercise to the end of my daily workouts. Surprisingly it seems to be paying off. I loathe doing cardio as I just get bored more.thjs anything. This method helps overcome that.

i wouldn’t mind seeing some abs eventually but again, I’m not driven for that. Being ab-adjacent is more than fine with me.

Better

Well, I got several emails after my last post asking about my back. It’s definitely better. The condition itself hasn’t changed but the last procedure was very successful at reducing my pain.

I now have to actively maintain my stretching and strength exercises or it goes south again quickly. As mentioned, the cartilage around two of my discs has atrophied mostly due to age. This has caused the two discs to occasionally rub together, which is what led to the muscle spasms. I do exercises to keep the back and legs from tightening up and to keep fluid flowing to keep the discs apart. It’s surprisingly effective…as long as I keep doing it. Lol [1]There’s always a catch right?

Randomly it can become agitated and flare up but overall it’s been manageable. Walking or standing for long periods of time definitely sets it off. It sucks getting old. I’ll be glad when we conquer stuff like this so age isn’t such a curse at times. I can only imagine if it was worse. *crossed fingers*

It’s become my new normal so it rarely upsets me anymore. I’ve resigned myself to the fact I am indeed mortal. 😂

References

References
↑1 There’s always a catch right?

Who?

So….. I’m not dead. 😂. I’ve been distracted and I actually got locked out of my own blog for awhile. I didn’t get hacked. I somehow suspended my incoming email account and this caused the WordPress software to freak out and lock me out. I’m self hosted so I can’t email someone else to ask for a reset. I’m usually that contact, as the owner / administrator.

I knew the gist of how to get back in I just kept putting it off. I finally sat down and got it all sorted and I’m back in. For clarity, none of my site data was lost or compromised.

Of course, half-assing it I screwed up my main installation by not updating my php version before updating a plugin. This in turn caused the whole site to fail. I then had to look up how to log into my php to reset the plugins to null. Lolol. I finally got my shot together and got it all sorted.

Yes I’m still here.

AWOL

Yeah, I know I’ve been AWOL for awhile. A lot has been going on. Work is slowly draining my soul. I need a break or something soon. I just don’t want to do anything outside work most days other than the gym. Speaking of, keep good vibes flowing my way tomorrow (Jan 9th). Sacrifice a goat or a chicken if ya have too… 😂 “Thots and prayers”

Meanwhile, I’m getting mandatory notices several times a week at work now. It’s simply wearing me out. I cannot stay on this path too much longer. The management team gives constant lip service while doing little to nothing to alleviate the problem. If I didn’t need my pension I’d have quit already. Thankfully it should ease up a bit for a while now that NYE is over.

In catch up news, the back is so much better! The ablation procedure went one step further than the first and was a smashing success! While it doesn’t fix the minor but persistent underlying problem, I’m mostly pain free these days. It’s been wonderful. I’m still plagued with minor soreness and stiffness but nowhere near the level of discomfort or pain as before the procedure.

My holiday was chill. NYE fell on my normal day off so I dodged that madness. Xmas was sweet and relaxing. The hubby always finds a way to surprise me, even though I do not really expect anything. [1]We aren’t big on the holiday. It’s a lot of fuss and commercialism. I’m glad the holidays’ are over, especially for the people it causes so much stress.

Beyond that, there isn’t much to report. Daisy is sassy as ever. Shawn is good. I’m just trying to shake off the indifference that overtakes me from the mental exhaustion.

Hope springs eternal….

References

References
↑1 We aren’t big on the holiday. It’s a lot of fuss and commercialism.

Work

After 22 years I’m looking for a new job. No, I haven’t been fired but I’m reaching a crisis point with my department and I’m trying to get out before I get bitter. (Is this what they call a midlife crisis?)

I love what I do but the dept’s failure to keep staffing at even minimum levels is affecting my mental and physical health. I’m not a young man anymore and the almost weekly mandatory overtime for years is taken its toll. Short of a death in my family, time off beyond sick leave is never available. We are forced to sign up for all of our allotted vacation for the entire year in 1 sign up. And while the latter has always been the case, the new never-ending overtime has made it that much worse. If an event I’m planning to attend changes or gets cancelled, I’m screwed. I have to take the allotted slot or give it up completely. And while I could survive these things alone, the are not the only issue. Before COVID my dept had a massive turnover in staff. Two-thirds of our current staff has less than 10 years experience. On my watch, the closest person to me in seniority is 15 years my junior. This translates thru the chain of command as well. I feel very isolated most days at work. And while I could promote internally, that pathway isn’t really a solution. [1]Caveat, I will attempt to promote internally when it comes up again, just to improve my chances of moving to other jobs outside my division, but I’m hoping not to wait that long.

People routinely dismiss my classification as a minimal skillset but that is far from the truth, not to mention I had skills before I took this job. I’ve had opportunities throughout my career with the dept; leadership roles as well as extensive high level projects. The latter always serve to remind me of the skills I’m not using. That isn’t meant to sound demeaning as much as a clarification. I’m still very fortunate as I have a steady job and am not desperate or forced to take a job for the sake of work. That being said, I’m open to a variety of new opportunities. I’d ultimately like to stay in emergent services but that isn’t set in stone. My focus recently has been on other divisions within my overall dept but I’m starting to branch out.

My biggest hurdle is salary. While I’m definitely underpaid for the amount of work I currently perform, I make a decent salary. Finding a position that doesn’t require a degree that pays the same or more than I make now is challenging. [2]One should be so lucky. I recognize the privilege but that doesn’t change the need. I’m too old to start over from the bottom. This just means it may take me awhile. I’m forever optimistic and definitely believe I’m up for the challenge. I’m great at selling myself given the opportunity, as I’m confident in my skills and capabilities. I’ll be blunt, I could sell you a bridge in a desert.

Civil service moves like molasses, but I’d like to stay within to keep contributing to my pension. It would take a really lucrative offer to pull me away from a city job. I’m not so naive to think jobs are falling from the sky but not totally opposed to jumping back into the private sector.

I’ve had these feelings for awhile but as I sit here putting it to text it suddenly feels more real to me, like it’s “out there” now. For a long time I just assumed I’d retire here but that is increasingly untenable. *Whew*. I’ve put myself on this path and hope to find a viable solution as soon as I can. Worst case scenario, I have to promote from within then jump to other divisions or depts.

At the end of the day, I know myself and I don’t want to end up becoming so jaded and bitter my inaction or indifference causes harm to someone.

References

References
↑1 Caveat, I will attempt to promote internally when it comes up again, just to improve my chances of moving to other jobs outside my division, but I’m hoping not to wait that long.
↑2 One should be so lucky. I recognize the privilege but that doesn’t change the need.