Category: me

Five

I’m five years away from retirement. It feels weird. It was 10 years up until last November, but after two decades of trying to get my classification corrected, we succeeded thru a ballot initiative. Prior to that we were considered miscellaneous clerks instead of public safety. For real, I save lives for a living but was considered a clerk.

I should clarify, I’ll take my pension in 5 years but I won’t have the age for social security. The city has a program called Prop F that allows retirees to work for the city on a limited capacity without violating your pension rules. I can work roughly 1000 hours a year which works out to about 2 days a week. I’d love that to be honest. I’ll end up doing that for an additional 2 years until I can take social security. [1]If it still exists.

Anyway, it feels surreal. My job has been my life for so long, it’s hard to imagine not doing it. Oh, make no mistake I’m more than ready, but it doesn’t feel real yet. I don’t have an exact plan yet but there are things I want to do. I’m probably the odd man out in that I don’t have big plans to travel the world. I’m sure I’ll do some traveling, but it’s never been a driving force for me. There are still a few bucket list items to visit though.

I’ll probably end up volunteering again. I volunteered a lot when I first moved to SF and I enjoyed it. I really miss working with animals. I could see spending a lot more time with the SFSPCA here.

Depending on the state of the world, economy, etc, we might end up in a different country. Nothing is concrete yet. We’ll be in SF at least until I’m 62, but after that it’s still up for grabs. It also depends on what type of job Shawn has at the time as well.

I’m definitely looking forward to it. I never dreamed of a “retirement” growing up as poor as I did, but looking forward to it now feels like a full circle in many ways. I built a life and a career from the remains of my old self. Even then I didn’t dare dream, but here we are bouncing around that last corner into the hike stretch.

References

References
↑1 If it still exists.

No & No

After my last rant, I had a long term reader, as he claimed, state he would no longer read my content because I was now part of “the [in]tolerant left.” He then demanded that if I posted his long-winded nonsensical rant he’d consider staying.

  1. Bless your heart.
  2. No. We are not going to play linguistic gymnastics to sell a narrative that is blatantly false. Trying to say I’m intolerant of people who are intolerant is pure nonsense. It’s a pathetic attempt to justify the actions of “your side” by trying to argue everyone does the same thing.
  3. No. I don’t owe you any screen time here. This is my space. What I share (or not) is purely up to me. Had you made any cogent responses instead of regurgitating propaganda, I might have posted or shared it. Name calling, victim blaming, and racism is not something “we can agree to disagree on”, sweetie.

The liberals, as you put it, don’t always get points for doing the right thing. We can agree on that, but to infer they are the same as the so-called right is disingenuous at best. I’m curious if you have the same opinion now that it has been revealed the shooter was another radical extremist from the right? Hmmm?

Saying I’m part of the elite gays was pretty funny though. I did get a good chuckle out of that. I’m not exactly sure how or where you pulled that out of your ass, but points for humor. I won’t dignify the rest of your hateful comments with a response.

As for you leaving, bye Felisha. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Social

I’m slowly finding my way on social media again. I’m not spending every day or posting a lot of updates but I’m checking it again to get updates on those around me.

I’m sad to say I’ve resorted to at least checking FB occasionally. I was really disappointed to see so many drift back over time. I can’t surf FB or even IG for more than a few minutes and I’m just over the ads. I put out updates about the surgery and it was an onslaught of responses vs the few I got on BS. I don’t know what I was expecting, but don’t expect me to ever embrace it again. I’m mostly only posting critical info and/or sharing posts from here. Everything else will be on Bluesky.

Bluesky is a worthy alternative, has a large user base now, and thankfully free of the massive ads and junk for the moment. I’m not so naive as to think it won’t ever have ads, but cheese and crust the avarice never ends on FB. BS is coming out with a sub app called Flash to offer an IG alternative. The Apple version is already out and I’m anxioulsy awaiting the Android version. Basically, it allows you to focus on photos and vids and filter content, even though it’s still part of BS. I kind of like that approach instead of the terrible Threads adaptation IG tried. Ugh, what a mess.

I won’t ever go back to twitter unless it is sold and purged of all the hate.

Well, there you have it. I’ve succumbed to the demon that is FB…for now,

Better

Well, I’m still healing. The doc says everything is as it should be. I’ve been released of all restrictions, with the caveat to ramp up slowly. I can start doing legs again in the gym, etc. Yay! I also get to stay with the new doc moving forward, which is very good news. The previous doc had the personality of a paper weight.

On the “function” home front, I can report everything is still exitable, if you catch my drift. Hehehe The output is still significantly reduced, which is disappointing. He says there is still room for improvement though. It’s usually a full 90 days after before things are “set”. I’m not going to lie, it is upsetting for me to think I’m losing some of the baby batter. Lol I knew there’d be some reduction but I’m shocked at how much. It’s practically a trickle compared to what it was before. That said, the procedure was still necessary as I’d exhausted any benefit from the meds. I still have my ‘function’ and ability to enjoy it so all is not lost.

I’m eager to put this behind me. I’ve got enough going on without more of my body falling apart. Hell, it sucks getting old. The mind is nimble but the body is like “WTF?” 😂 I feel like such a fuddy-duddy at times. I’m too young for that, mmmmkaaaay!

Mending

At home At home recovering So, I know it has been a minute but here we are. I had the prostate procedure and it was a textbook success according to the Dr. If you missed it I had a prostate ablation [1]a fancy way of saying the cut my prostate down in size  I’m still recovering but back at work. Unexpectedly, it was an overnight stay. Apparently, they have to continuously wash the bladder  with saline for 24 hours to avoid blood build up and large clotting. This translates into having a catheter in for 5 days! Lawd, that part was not fun, at all.  Overall, the experience was as good as could be expected.  My only real complaint was the hospital bed was very uncomfortable.

I put it off for a long time because normally this type of procedure can leave lasting efffects on one’s ability to “get it up.”  I might be in my 50’s but I still use that bad boy and often. Lol  So I wasn’t a fan. Unbeknownst to me, they have a new procedure that uses water instead of a laser. The latter has virtually zero chances of ED. I discovered in the hospital while the male nurse’s aid was cleaning my groin/catheter that indeed it still worked. *evil grin*  He kept moving it around and even though the catheter was very uncomfortable it started doing it’s thing. He was clearly gay and not at all annoyed. Hehehe  I told the Dr at my follow up and he got a huge giggle out of it as well. I should mention the Dr is gay as well. He apparently liked that I was “above average” for his normal patients. Take that how you will.

I’m being slowly released back to normal functions. It’s been roughly 3 weeks now. At first, no sex, no gym, no motorcycle. Of course, I’m like, “well f*ck my  life”. Lol But I’m back in the gym doing mostly upper body and light cardio. He released me for short rides on the bike as well. It is too soon to know what my new normal is, but we’ve already confirmed I’m able to completely empty my bladder again. One problem solved. The frequent bathroom trips are still an issue but it seems because the prostrate is very sensitive. [2]Go figure. Lol  Anytime, anything moves past it in my bowel (you can fill in the blank there) I’m overcome with an immediate need to pee. This is supposed to go away as it heals. *fingers crossed* Oh, and I’ve been released to go back to shenanigans as well. Hehehe  Sadly, still very little “production” due to the surgery but now that I’m off all the meds, I’m hopeful that  should improve over time.

Overall, I’m very hopeful this will end my general issues. If only my back was as easy to fix. But hey, one day at a time, right?

References

References
↑1 a fancy way of saying the cut my prostate down in size
↑2 Go figure. Lol

Ablation

Well, in the continuing saga that is my prostate, I’m finally reaching some potential resolution. Fun topic, I know!

So, if you ain’t from around here, you’ll not know that I’ve been dealing with an enlarged prostate since COVID. [1]Unrelated to COVID itself  The problem was exacerbated because my hard-headed ass was using Afrin every night to sleep. (Apparently, Afrin is hard on your prostate.) In my defense, I couldn’t get the elective nasal surgery and I couldn’t sleep at night because my nasal passages would completely close off during sleep. It was a no win scenario so I have no regrets for my decisions. 😂

Anyway, 2023 rolls around and we find me taking various meds to alleviate symptoms. All is good but only as a stopgap moving forward. And now in the present, the meds aren’t really working much anymore and I pee every hour on the hour. Who knew I’d ever find myself missing a solid pee stream…

I haven’t really been a fan of my current urologist, but the doc doing the ablation is not only much more personable, but also gay. It was a relief to realize he understood some of my concerns without a lot of detailed discussion. So the procedure is scheduled for early June. There is a newer technique that uses water instead of a laser that is supposed to eliminate any effects on Mr Happy being able to stand at attention, so to speak. Reviewing some of the outcomes, I’m happy to have this option. I might be in my 50s but that is still an important part of life.

I was surprised to discover it does require an overnight stay in the hospital. Not a fan of that at all, but there is no way around it. My biggest disappointment is no gym (weight lifting) or motorcycle for up to 6 weeks! That is going to be tough. At least I can still go do cardio after the first couple weeks. But no motorcycle is a total bummer.

Wish me luck!

References

References
↑1 Unrelated to COVID itself

Self

I’ve felt a bit overwhelmed lately. Nothing too crazy just feeling like I have more responsibilities than free time. In reality, that’s not exactly how it is, but that’s how I feel.

My job seems to have an increasing impact in my overall quality of life. I used to shrug it off, but as I age shrugging it off doesn’t seem to work as much anymore. Considering I’ve been dealing with raw emergencies for 24 years I guess no one is immune. I’ve finally had to admit to myself I can’t just move past it anymore. I know Shawn gets frustrated with my lack of motivation at times as well. I do try more at times for him because I don’t want to be an old fuddy duddy, who does nothing. The ongoing back issues certainly haven’t helped.

The latter has been affecting my sleep more than normal and I’ve realized it’s affecting my moods. We bought a new mattress only a year or so ago, but it’s just not cutting now. We just ordered a new one and went with a traditional style vs a hybrid. We had great luck with the original Casper mattress we bought but it seems I need something firmer now. It arrives next weekend and I’m eager for it to get here.

All that aside, I’ve felt a little more like myself this past week. I can’t help but wonder if it’s because I’ve been back in the gym. With everything going on I’ve had an absolute shit gym schedule. I did get back into it this week and I’m wondering if that’s why I feel better.
The stressors haven’t really gone down so it’s the only thing different.

I think as I age the gym is more important than ever for not only my physical health but my mental health as well. Lawd knows I get depressed anytime I catch up on the news. It’s just all a total shit show and half the country is applauding our demise. I just try to steer away and focus on my sphere of existence.

So if you’re struggling like me try to find the things that give you peace. Maybe it’s not the gym, maybe it’s art, music, or whatever.

Hang in there.

No Return

I’m normally an optimist but do you ever get the feeling we are headed to a point of no return as a society?  I know I speak from a place of privilege as things aren’t personally bad for me. Oh I’ve got my issues, but they pale in comparison to others who truly struggle in the world. And, I try not to let the amplification effect of social media get to me, but there are days where I feel like we’re just headed for a cliff, Thelma & Louise style.

Anti-intellectualism has become practically a way of life. The later of which I’ve been preaching about for most of my time here. It’s disheartening to see so much willful ignorance that deep down stems from greed and fear. [1]Even the fear is usually based on greed as well.

I originally felt social media would be the tech that would unite the world. Boy was I wrong there! Instead it’s turned into a tool to amplify our failings as a collective. Throw in the poison that religion [2]again based on greed has become and it’s enough to make you want to give up.

And yet, no matter how sad or down I get, it’s just not in me to give up. On that, I’ve recognized the distinction between self-preservation and abandonment of any sense of good will. Needing to protect myself doesn’t mean I have to abandon everyone else.

These days I focus on the things I can control or directly influence for the better. I no longer invest my good will into wasted discourse on social media. Don’t get it twisted, I still vote and share my opinion when necessary. Overall, I think I’m done with most social media, at least in the short term. My FB has become a ghostly placeholder and I don’t miss it at all.

These days, I try to focus on my own life, family, and friends. My job has become more of a chore but even there I still find myself doing my best because I can still control my actions. I’m counting these last few years towards retirement, but the bitterness hasn’t overtaken me completely yet.

My health has been a bit of a wild card these last few years. The prostate is out of whack. My back issues have sort of stabilized but it’s still a daily struggle to get past the discomfort and want to be active. A few other things have piled on and I’ve been taking them one at a time. I’m hoping to find a new normal later this year. (It sucks getting old. Lol)  The back issue will be a reoccurring theme from now on it seems, but I still have options.

*

I find at the end of the day when I get really down or sad, I remember all the adversities I’ve overcome. I remember how good I have it compared to so so many and how much more I can do for myself and others.

So while I may be in a collective hand basket headed to hell, Im still trying to make it an interesting ride!

Hope springs eternal….

References

References
↑1 Even the fear is usually based on greed as well
↑2 again based on greed

Home

We’re home from the honeymoon and sadly back to reality. I didn’t think much of all the negative drama in our country while away, but it all came crashing back today while catching up on the news. (I’m feeling chatty today)

Shawn & Myself

Anyway, Puerto Vallarta (PV) was both fun and relaxing. We had a bit of a learning curve as we weren’t overly familiar with where to go or what to do. We landed with plenty of recommendations, so it was mostly deciding which to do and when. Apparently, we went the weekend after a big bear event (no, not that one) and the weekend before spring break hit. Not to say it wasn’t busy, just our timing was off. 😂

The last two times I’ve been were both via boat, which were fun but a lot less planning and logistics are involved. We had a great time with beaches, boats, pool parties, food, boys, etc and not always in that order. We’ve already decided to go back for the infamous Beef Dip next year. [1]Shawn’s been bugging me to go for a couple years now, but I had the destinations confused and thought it was in Sitges.  Next time we’ll have better first hand knowledge for smoother scheduling. Nothing bad happened at all, we just inadvertently missed some things we would have done because we went on the wrong days/nights. Overall, it was a great trip. We both felt we stayed just long enough. And we were both eager to be home with our beloved Daisy. She was in good hands but would not leave our side at all last night. She clearly missed us as much as we missed her. How precious is that face, I ask you? 🤣

Daisy Mae

Our friends kept texting how wonderfully behaved she was the whole time. We were beginning to think they had the wrong dog. J/k For all our bluster, she is pretty well behaved. If it is possible, she cuddled even harder than usual last night.

*

I didn’t think I’d feel different after we got married, but I do. [2]See what I did there?… It doesn’t necessarily feel more real, but I feel closer to him now. It could be the indirect psychological conditioning of the idea of “marriage” in Western culture, but I’m running with it. It still feels a bit surreal though. I never dreamed of actually getting married. I grew up knowing I was considered a second class citizen so getting to say those words carried more emotions than I thought.

At the end of the day, I still only want for his happiness. I couldn’t imagine my life without him now to be honest, but being happy should be first in anyone’s life. Forgetting for a moment he’s been with me for 12 years, I just enjoy being with him. Even when we argue, which is rare, I do so knowing I still love him. I’m fond of saying, “he puts up with me”and he says, “I put up with his nagging”.  I just see two people walking thru life together; who are both imperfect but willing to be so with each other.

For you few long time readers here, you’ll remember I don’t cater to fairytale ideas of love. Frankly, I’d never want to force that role on anyone. If Shawn and I spend the rest of our lives together, I will be grateful that we were compatible and loving each other. But if we ever do separate for whatever reason, I’d still only want for his happiness. That to me is the idea of true love.

So here I sit with most of my life’s goals accomplished. I can and do ask more of my life, but to say I am grateful would be an understatement. Looking back over the pain, the anguish, the struggles, and the sheer tenacity of my life, I am truly humbled to be this happy. I wish nothing but the same for anyone reading this.

References

References
↑1 Shawn’s been bugging me to go for a couple years now, but I had the destinations confused and thought it was in Sitges.
↑2 See what I did there?…

Married

Well, after 12 years together and 11 as domestic partners, we finally tied the knot yesterday! It was a wonderful day.

My only regret is the two besties from Texas couldn’t be with us. Shawn’s two besties came up from LA to attend and are house-sitting princess Daisy while we are on our honeymoon.

While it started as a formality to finalize what we had already decided, we both ended up really looking forward to it! Neither of us are pretentious or super fussy. We wanted it to be simple, short, and as stress free as possible. There ended up being no delays or any problems at all. It was a wonderful day. Of course, I cried. I’m old enough that marriage was never something I even dreamed of when I was younger. Being in my own wedding, even at this age, left me a bit vulnerable and overcome with a variety of emotions.

Having decided “last minute” in terms of normal wedding planning, things just fell together pretty easily. We could not get it officiated at City Hall due to timing, but we were able to find a mutual friend who volunteered to officiate it for us. Even more last minute we found another friend who is a photographer, that graciously rescheduled his day to fit us in. [1]So yes, more official photos coming soon.. I was honestly a little terrified things would go horribly wrong for any number of unknown reasons, but it didn’t.

After the ceremony, we opted for a nice reception lunch at the Rotunda here in SF. [2]Read “fancy” lol  Again, without even planning it we ran into a friend working there who went out of his way to make our lunch as enjoyable as possible. It truly was a fantastic day.

The only thing we didn’t get done were the rings. We have a set that was meant to be our engagement rings and they are becoming a part of the new rings. We couldn’t get them done in time, but it’s on the list as soon as we get back. We used the existing set for the ceremony, but we are both eager for the new nicer set.

Now we are off to Puerta Vallarta for our official honeymoon. We never actually took one the first time so we splurged a bit on accommodations. We’ve actually not traveled much since COVID, so we are excited to get away together.

Y’all, I’m still a bit gobsmacked that I’m actually married. But I’m happy, so I guess that’s the point!

Hope springs eternal…

References

References
↑1 So yes, more official photos coming soon.
↑2 Read “fancy” lol