Category: humor

Profiler

According to the BT’s [1]Bible Thumpers, I’m going to hell so I figure I might as well deserve it.  Today’s post is completely shallow in nature.

I’m wondering how many characters other folks have at their gyms.  There is almost always the creepy scary guy that everyone avoids like the plague.  Being in the Motherland, I seem to have a whole plethora of characters. 

1) There is the token creepy guy however, I feel for him.  He has lost over 100 lbs.  Everyone avoids him as he is rather scary.  He wears beer-bottle glasses, shuffles vs walking, and is rather unattractive.  He is lacking in the social skills as well.  I often go out of my way to say hello to him and give him words of encouragement.  It takes a lot of effort to come as far as he has.  I’ve also chastised several friends for being ugly to him. 

2) Tall thin man. Think Phantasm or Poltergeist.  The guy gives me the chills every time I see him.  I do not feel sorry for him as he doesn’t work out much.  He parks his naked self in the steam room, fondles himself, and lurks at everyone with his bulging uneven eyeballs.  I could swear he mumbles "God is in his holy temple" under his breath.  Spooky.  *channeling Tangina* Crossover children!  All are welcome!

3) The Hammer.  So nicknamed because he has the biggest cock I’ve ever seen on a live person.  Even soft, this monster dangles at 10-12" in length and thicker than a coke can.  It truly is a sight to behold.  However, it gets old very quickly as he often parks himself in the sink area daily with this behemoth dangling like a big ole hammer.  No matter what time I go, he always seems to be there.  He is in his 60’s. I bet he was a rockstar in the 70’s with that monster.  I often wonder if he is trying to hold onto his days of glory.

4) Jesus.  I shit you not this dude looks like Jesus Christ.  Long hair, the facial definition, etc.  lol  I tried to sneak a pic today but he kept watching me.  I think he sicked the Holy Ghost on me.  Every time I see him I feel a little dirty.

5) The Stallion.  This guy has a tattoo "The Italian Stallion" on his back.  A good example of why one should give careful thought to tattoos and their placement BEFOREHAND. 

6) Jabba the Hut.  A rather large rotund fellow that sort of slithers about.  He has one of those dangling bellies that hangs down almost to his knees.  I’ve never once seen him actually work out however, he is routinely attached to a bench in the steam room like a barnacle.

7) The Rambler.  An attractive fellow that storms all over the gym constantly talking on his cellphone.  I often wonder if he ever finds time to actually work out.

8 ) Last but not least, Killer.  This guy manhandles every piece of equipment in the gym.  However, he does everything completely wrong.  It boggles the mind how he has survived this long w/o killing himself.  Entire sections of the gym will stop to watch him in disbelief. 

That is all I can think of at the moment.  I know there are more.  Now that I’m going to hell, who are your favorites at your gym? 

References

References
↑1 Bible Thumpers

Scandal VS Stupid

I’m fond of saying, "you can’t cure stupid". I know, kind of mean but a fact of life nonetheless.

A whole slew of guys got busted for inappropriate behavior in the steam room at the gym today. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not passing judgment. [1]That would make me a total hypocrite mind you. But that is not about to stop me from pointing out the hilarity of the situation. Lord knows, I’ve been known to tinker around in there a time or two (or three). That said, how stupid do you have to be to do it while two of the gym employees are directly in front of the steam room working on the showers? It is called subtlety bitches! Seriously though, you have to walk thru the showers to even get to the steam room. And, it has a glass door.

Anyway, I head in after my workout (Cardio day, ugh!)) and it is packed. Literally, standing room only. At this point I’m wondering if I missed a holiday as it is almost never this busy in the late mornings. There is this rather odd couple [2]Don’t ask because God don’t like ugly. in the corner going at it. "Mmmmm-kay", I think to myself. I’m in the process of saying to myself, "surely no one else is stupid enough to do anything while the employees are right there…" when this older rather unattractive fellow moves so he can stand over the couple. You can guess what he was doing. Before you know it, 3 other guys are all crowded around going at it.

Now, daddy might have raised ugly but he sure as hell didn’t raise stupid. I just politely moved out of the way, tucked my head down, and counted. I made it to 30 before the manager and several members of the staff burst in and kicked 5 of the guys out. The other 4 or 5 bailed like a hooker in church. I just sat there giggling. Of course, knowing several of the employees, I found out the 5 also had their memberships suspended for 30 days. The couple apparently made a big stink about it.

I know I’m going to Hell for laughing but I was stunned by the stupidity displayed. I have no objections to the behavior as they were all adults and 99% of the guys in there are after the same thing. [3]And please save any self-righteous comments. I’m a grown man and take responsibility for my actions. However, a word to the wise boys. When you go into a public place looking for sex and you get busted, don’t feign surprise and anger over it. Just tuck your tail between your legs, accept your licks, and move on.

‘nuf said.

References

References
↑1 That would make me a total hypocrite mind you.
↑2 Don’t ask because God don’t like ugly.
↑3 And please save any self-righteous comments. I’m a grown man and take responsibility for my actions.

Dazzling Stupidity

My tolerance for blind stupidity seems to be diminishing w/age.

While on MUNI this afternoon, this lady felt the need to interrupt my conversation and asked me, “Why are you gay? I just don’t get it.” Before I even thought about it, I blurted out, “Well, being gay was my 2nd choice. I actually wanted to be the Wizard of Oz but the position was already taken.”

She was less than amused. However, the look on my face clearly demonstrated my contempt for sheer stupidity. She was content to turn and walk away.

Funny Conversation II

Overhead in the gym this week.

Dude 1: Wow, you are looking hot. How you been?

Dude 2: Thanks bro, I have been hitting the weights pretty hard. I don’t have anything on you though man.

Dude 1: Sheeet, I totally beat off to you, you know that right?

*

Overhead in the Castro

Boy 1: Why on Earth would you marry that queen? He is so pompous and arrogant.

Boy 2: He has a 9″ cock and a trust fund.

*

Phone conversation at work.

Caller (female obviously from the South): I just wanted you to know how ashamed I am of you people out there in San Francisco. Promoting the homosexual lifestyle and the entire fall of society.

Me: Ma’am, I’m a homo, do you have an emergency to report?

*click*