Category: humor

Preggars

I think I might be pregnant.  I’ve been craving a wide variety of foods lately but specifically candy.  I rarely eat candy beyond the weekly Hot Cookie venture.  Lately, I can’t seem to satisfy my sweet tooth.  Today’s sugary indulgence involved half a box of chocolate covered cherries. 

I got one of those home pregnancy thing-a-ma-jigs, the plus and negative sign both lit up when I passed it thru my stream.  I wonder what that means?  I went to the doc but he couldn’t help me.  He did the whole feeling-my-testicles and fingers-up-the-bum-then-cough sort of routine.  He didn’t really give me any results though. [1]I think I need a new dentist 

My cardio has increased so I’m wondering if that might be it.  Can you get pregnant from doing too much cardio?  God, I hope not.  I so can’t afford a kid right now.  I mean come on, besides work, random trips to bb’s, and getting my hooves clipped and polished, I just don’t have money for a mini-Moby. 

What am I going to do if I am?  Should I get an abort-shun?  Do they sell a home kit for that too?  I could always give it up for adoption.  I was adopted and look how well it turned out for me.  *innocent smile*

Oh well, I guess I’ll figure something out.  I have to finish a chocolate almond bar, throw up, and pick out baby names. [2]Yes, this post was written in jest.  I’m just being silly over my recent sweet tooth

References

References
↑1 I think I need a new dentist
↑2 Yes, this post was written in jest.  I’m just being silly over my recent sweet tooth

Xmas

I’m hoping everyone had a good Christmas today.  Or, happy holiday, Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever floats your boat.  Be grateful you are alive and have a roof over your head.  For many this year, things are a bit blue with the economy so bad.  And while there is obviously hope for the future, it is hard to be optimistic when you aren’t sure where you next meal might come from.  If you are reading this, I’m sending you well wishes and warm fuzzy feelings. 

My roomies idea, I swear!

Beyond a very peculiar occurrence yesterday morning it was a pretty uneventful day.  The day started with a flurry of text messages from friends and family exchanging holiday wishes.  Knowing the gym was closed, I laid my ass in bed until the desire for food finally forced me outdoors. 

While I’m walking down to the ‘hood to get some grub, I did have a very odd experience.  I’m crossing at the crosswalk when a giant suburban pulls up, the guy whistles and asks directions to the nearest hospital.  Being a typical control freak, I couldn’t just answer. lol  I asked what the emergency was as it might change his destination. [1]Pediatrics, cardiac, burns, blah blah blah…  He seemed very reticent so I volunteered that I was an EMT.  At that point, his face beamed and he spilled his guts in a flurry of parental worry.  It seems his 20 year old daughter (sitting in the back) was experiencing…wait for it…wait for it….are you ready…anal bleeding.  OH yes, you read it right.  I admit I was a little surprised.  Of course, I had very negative thoughts but seeing his whole family piled in with him and no signs of emotional distress, any ideas of foul play quickly evaporated.  I spoke to the young lady and discussed the problem.  She was more embarrassed than anything, not that I blame her.  Anyway, after some questions and more assurances, I was confident she wasn’t in immediate danger and directed them on their way.  I walked away almost laughing at the oddity of the situation.  Seriously, what are the odds?  I was still giggling as I woofed down my lunch and headed back home to get ready for work.

And how was your holiday?

References

References
↑1 Pediatrics, cardiac, burns, blah blah blah…

Home and Back Again

This trip was interesting to say the least.  It was good to see my little bro. [1]He is 28 but he’ll always be my “little brother”  We’ve always been the closet but it seems to be getting stronger.  He is learning just being gay hasn’t changed who I am.  We also had a long talk about our siblings.  He then told me some very funny stories about my relatives and their views on me.  One relative even asked him if we still hugged (Yes, he ridiculed them for being so silly).  He also had apparently told everyone to mind their p’s and q’s as he wouldn’t tolerate any disrespectful behavior.  Anyway, I thought I’d share some funny incidents that occurred over the weekend. 

Funny #1
Halloween night we had a big bonfire.  Two of my brothers were there as well as two of my cousins and their families. Of course, my immediately family already knew about me but their spouses and kids only knew from being told.  My older cousin was completely blown away by the fact I made gay jokes and wisecracks.  We were watching something on TV and I said, “I know I’m gay but even I think THAT is so gay“.  You could have heard a pin drop it was so quiet for about 30 seconds before everyone started laughing.  A very tense milestone (for them) had passed.  She later confided she had warned her kids not to use the word gay around me for fear of hurting my feelings or alienating me (Keep in mind, profanity is a given in my family).  I was touched by the thought but I assured her it was ok. [2]And while it really isn’t ok, small steps people, small steps.   I did encourage her to think about the underlying implications of allowing her kids to talk that way.  While the intent might not be derogatory, the affects can be. 

Funny #2
The younger cousin had admonished her own family in a similar manner.  Her husband I guess didn’t know what to expect (having never met me) and apparently, there was some animosity about the visit.  After a couple hours, he pulled me aside to tell me I wasn’t what he expected.  I asked if he was expecting the stereotypical limp-wristed fembot.  It took him a second to digest what I was saying but he finally admitted he had indeed.  I assured him these are the stereotypes simply because they are so obvious.  I explained that while I could “nell out” with the best of’em, it isn’t my normal demeanor.  I also told him he probably knew more than he thought because not everyone, especially in a small town, likes it known.  That gave him a moment of pause but he took it well I think. lol   Not knowing it, he gave me a back-handed compliment by telling me had he not already known he would never have guessed. 

It was very heartening to see some of my extended family expanding their horizons.  And while there are some who will never be ok with it, I came away knowing I’ve given them something to think about. 

I share these stories because I’ve always believed it isn’t the TV and media that sways most folks.  I think it is their friends, family, coworkers, etc who decide to come out and live openly and honestly that changes their minds.  There are always some who will see you differently but, wouldn’t you rather be liked (or not) for you really are? 

References

References
↑1 He is 28 but he’ll always be my “little brother”
↑2 And while it really isn’t ok, small steps people, small steps.

Mental Note II

Just a few random observations. [1]If you are twitter, you probably weighed in already.

I really need to stop bringing lube into the shower.  With that in mind, if your "guest" falls in the shower, are you responsible?

*

Never have a "guest" over on maid day.  Especially when the maid has keys!  (Oh yes, there will be a post about this.)

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If someone asks you to google your name at work, don’t do it. (One of my straight co-workers apparently has a name similar to that of a straight porn star.  Color him embarrassed.)

*

Oh, and since I haven’t gotten the poll thingy working you can answer here  if you’d like.

References

References
↑1 If you are twitter, you probably weighed in already.

Mental Note

Using lube in the shower is probably not the best idea I’ve ever had.  I can report the lump on my head has gone down considerably.

I was trying to kill two birds w/one stone so to speak.  Apparently, I spilt some and promptly slipped and banged my head on the wall.   Mind you, the lump wasn’t severe enough to stop me.  However, I will give some considerable thought to such combos in the future. 

Stinker III

I think I endangered my immortal soul yesterday (again).

I ran into some Mormon missionaries on the MUNI.  I asked one of them if I could take a picture.  He asked, "why?".  I said, "because I thought you people were extinct." 

He didn’t take it so well.  I’m sure I’m going to hell for poking fun at him but I figure since I’m "doomed" anyway, I might as well earn my place.

Ok, I know it was probably bad karma.  But I couldn’t resist myself.  I figure if they are allowed to go door to door harassing people and spewing their ignorance, I should be allowed to poke fun. 

Ooopsie!

I’m at the showers in the gym today.  Two of the employees are inside working on the steam room door (which is glass).  Of course, being the steam room was closed the entire area was deserted except for me.  Anyway, the duo seems to be trying to adjust the door as the bottom is scraping the floor a tad bit. 

I’m watching in earnest thinking to myself, "this is not gonna end well."  Sure enough, not even 5 minutes later the door shatters into a million pieces.  I was a little dumb-founded.  Even as I’m thinking it, I hadn’t quite wrapped my head around the actual idea they would break the door.  lol   Being tempered glass, they both came away with just a few minor abrasions. 

Dinner Out

The roomie’s boyfriend (Ty Lebouf) is in town for a video shoot.  What was supposed to be just a nice dinner with the 3 of us turned into a group of 5.  Two of the other porny boys joined us.  I was a little apprehensive at first [1]I don’t much care for the attitude that often accompanies them. but it turned out just fine.  Actually, they were a hoot!  I laughed good and hard throughout the whole dinner. lol  Of course, they are never what you expect.  Josh West was a lot quieter in person. I fully expected him to have a bigger than life ego to go with his bigger than life cock.  To discover him to be very sweet and respectful was a bit disarming.  I was actually a little taken with him.  lol  I doubt he much noticed me beyond the laughter but no matter.  I liked him.  I’m still swooning over his big muscle profile. 

The other guy I’ve seen around but never really heard his name used until tonight.  Ross Hurston (I had to Google the spelling).  He was a charmer for sure.  Having never seen any of his movies, I have no comparison however, I liked his sharp wit and sense of humor.  He is staying in SF for awhile so I’m sure to run into him again.  Trouble that one is, thru and thru.  His humor and mine would be a holy terror together.  I fully expect to test that at some point. 

They both seemed taken w/my bluntness.  I admit it, I get a kick when people are surprised by my lack of self-censorship.  I don’t feel compelled to sugar coat the truth over most things and it shows. heehee 

Needless to say, dinner was a well enjoyed event. 

References

References
↑1 I don’t much care for the attitude that often accompanies them.