Category: humor

Advice

Ever watch a straight guy in a gay environment? They usually fall into three categories. One, is the obvious freak-the-fuck-out guy. He’s an idiot and we don’t need to talk about him. Two, there is the guy who is completely comfortable with it and usually his own sexuality as well. Three, and my favorite, is the guy totally out of his element and trying his hardest not to show it.

I’ll admit we don’t get many of number three in the gaborhood that often. But as the gentrification of the Castro continues, I’m beginning to see more of them. As soon as the straight women show up, the guys are not far behind. heehee Anyway, today I’m watching this guy walk [1]and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus down the street with his girl. She is oblivious to his mounting frustration but seems to be enjoying the new found attention. The guy is trying his hardest not to look uncomfortable. He is taking everything in while trying to maintain that look of disinterest. I must admit it’s cracking me up. I’ve watched them for almost a block now and he has a vice grip on her hand and has already kissed her 3 times. lol Mind you all the while his eyes have been on every storefront and every guy walking by. If it wasn’t so funny I’d feel sorry for him. As I type this he just saw a male couple kissing and he can’t take his eyes off’em!

Oh, and before I move on I should mention I don’t get the slightest gay vibe from him. Not that that means anything. My point is I don’t think he is living in the closet. You can clearly tell the guy is fascinated. OH! He just caught me watching. Damn…my covers been blown. OH well, it was fun while it lasted. He has ‘suddenly’ lost interest in the couple’s kissing and is dragging his girlie past my line of sight. He gets props for being such a good trooper. I’m sure given time and repeated exposure, he’ll be a well-adjusted hetero who understands it really isn’t that much different.

In the meantime, for my few (if any) straight guy readers, let me give you some advice. First, don’t go overboard trying to distinguish your ‘straightness.’ You just end up looking the fool. Be yourself. And while you’re girl of the moment may enjoy the new found attentions, don’t go overboard with the affections. Gay or straight, too much PDAs [2]public display of affection just looks trashy. Contrary to old stereotypes, our neighborhoods aren’t not stop orgies. Sure you might get oggled or flirted with but that’s human nature. Be flattered someone finds you attractive. It doesn’t threaten your own masculinity or sexuality. No one is gonna grab you and try to molest you. Well I say that but if you’re in a cruisy bar all bets are off. lol Second, it’s ok to look. Seriously, we don’t mind. Show off your willingness to expand your boundaries. You’ll look cooler and you’ll probably learn a lot. Lastly, welcome to the ‘hood. In no time you’ll be ignoring the drag queens, naked guys, and explicit store fronts just like the rest of us!

References

References
↑1 and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus
↑2 public display of affection

Nekkid

*This is not necessarily a NSFW post but is a bit of an adult subject. Coworkers and folks who don’t want TMI should probably skip it.*

Ever have someone ignore you repeatedly until they see you naked?

I’ve had a crush on a guy from around town for years now, pretty much ever since I moved to SF. He’s hawt! And as the saying goes, ‘I’d drink his bath water!‘ lolol  Annnnnyway, I’d always try to flirt or find little ways to engage him in conversation. He has never been rude or ugly but has also never indicated any interest either. While I try not to be overbearing, I’m pretty sure he has known for awhile I had the hots for him.

We don’t really travel in the same circle so we don’t see each other that often. Being as small as SF is as a city, one is always bound to cross paths. A few weeks back, he happened to be working out at the gym while I was there. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up on trying to flirt with him. I always say hi and acknowledge his presence but that’s about as far as I’ve gone in the last few years.

Why is it after he sees me naked in the shower [1]and no bitches, I wasn’t doing anything naughty he suddenly takes a liking to me? And I mean all up in my grill sort of liking. He seeks me out now and actively tries to engage me in conversation. And the flirting from his end has certainly picked up.

I know from around town he hasn’t had any relationship status changes so that can’t be it. I still pretty much look and act the same. I will admit to being a tad more muscular than when I first moved to SF, but nothing earth-shattering. lol I’m left to assume because he suddenly saw other parts of my anatomy his interest has shifted. I find myself a bit put off by that. How’s that for irony?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in situations where someone’s interest might suddenly shift upon said discovery. But that is also usually a more abrupt discovery. This has been pretty much a decade in the making. I can certainly feel flattered but it doesn’t really add up. I’m no slouch in that dept but it’s not something I would consider awe-inspiring. [2]Not like my buddy Large Tony for example. THAT is awe-inspiring!  I mean if you really aren’t that interested I can’t see how THAT would really make that much of a difference.

So, dear readers, I’m curious. How often has the size of the man-parts changed your interest in someone?

References

References
↑1 and no bitches, I wasn’t doing anything naughty
↑2 Not like my buddy Large Tony for example. THAT is awe-inspiring!

Feedback

Some random comments (and my replies) that I have received about my blog. . .

This blog is gay. Really?

How did you get the mobile widget to work? Its not a widget or a theme but a plugin that detects mobile browsers. You can find it here.

Like your blog, found you thru Scruff. Scruff? What’s that? 😀

I can’t find your blog. How did you get here then?

Do you have any pictures of you naked? Yes

When did you start blogging? I kept journals off/on as far back as my early 20’s. I started blogging in 2004.

What’s so special that you feel the need to blog? Uh, I ride the short bus?

You Gonna Eat That? II

My last post got gobbled up somehow so I’m writing it again.

I had a flashback to my childhood the other day. It was kind of odd because it was a memory from when I was very young. God it seems like a lifetime ago and thinking of it now seems almost surreal. Anyway…

Picture it. It’s the 1970’s. Yours truly is about 3-4 years old. There’s me, my foster mom/dad and my 2nd oldest brother at the time. Mom was sewing and making clothes, my brother was in school, my dad was at work, and I was left to my own devices. We had a yard at the time that covered about an acres of land with a few trees on it. One tree in particular was my favorite. It wasn’t very big but had an odd limb that grew out not too terribly far from the ground. I couldn’t reach it on my own but if I stacked a 5-gallon bucket and a 50-gallon drum next to each other I cold easily climb up on the limb and hang out.

It was one of my favorite little spots to pass the time. If I was outside, I had to avoid the geese because they were mean and would jump on me, knock me down, and beat me with their wings. I was a tiny little fucker at the time so must have seemed like easy prey to them. Anyway, here I am one day chomping on a PB&J sammich and sitting in ‘my’ tree having a good ole time. I’d heard my dad come home but didn’t think much of it. I’d see him in a bit.

Everything was hunky-dory until I heard my dad yelling at me. I was startled so didn’t quite process what he was saying. I look over a bit confused and see him (along with my mom in tow) running over toward me continually yelling. This served to scare me more as my dad never ran. They are both clearly in distress and my dad jumps up on the 5-gallon bucket and yanks me down. Not understanding what is happening, I’m full on bawling at this point. I’m thinking I’ve somehow managed to do something and get in trouble. Meanwhile, I’m still chomping away at my PB&J sammich. [1]Even then I had a love for food!

I guess they realized they were making my hysterical so my mom starts trying to calm me down. It turns out my dad discovered a nest of yellow-jackets had built a nest right in the crook of the limb where it met the tree. He hadn’t a chance to take care of it I guess. Anyway, my dad seeing me up in the tree freaked out, afraid I was gonna stung. Unbeknownst to me the wasps were loving my sammich and flying all about. One had apparently landed right on my delicious sandwich right as I took a bite. Yup, you guessed it, I ate it! lol It never stung me, or if it did, I didn’t feel it.

My dad later sprayed them with WD-40, which promptly killed’em. An hour or two goes by and I’m right back up in my tree. This time minus the sandwich, watching the world go by. hehehe

I’m not sure why I suddenly remember this but I thought it funny enough to share. Aren’t memories funny sometimes? 

References

References
↑1 Even then I had a love for food!

Work In

I don’t get people sometimes. So I’m at the gym one day last week working out, doing my thing. The gym is a tad busier than normal but not overly so. I’m working my arms and I see this guy doing the triceps dip machine. I walk up and very politely ask if I can work in with him. He snaps, ‘sure‘ and proceeds to storm away in a huff.

I was actually surprised because 1) I was very polite and 2) my tone and demeanor was clearly indicative of my willingness to be denied. While it is the policy of the gym that members should share equipment, I know how it is to be in your zone, time schedule, routine, etc and I don’t get offended if someone isn’t willing to share. Of course, if I’d been working a free-weight bench with a big weight difference, I wouldn’t be as willing. Trying to swap off/on weights is a major pain. And while I don’t like people that hog benches because they are too busy gossiping/yakking with friends or bouncing between machines, this machine is as simple as flipping a switch to change the weight. Seriously, its that damn easy.

Of course, I laughed it off and finished my set. Hell, he made it easier for me as I no longer had to wait on him. He came back down about 15 minutes later glaring to see if anyone was on the bench. I’d already started my next set but was tempted to go over and tell him, ‘next time instead of throwing a tantrum like a 12-yr old girl just have the balls to say no.‘ I thought better of it though. He probably would have had an even bigger hissy fit and frankly I didn’t feel like dealing with the drama.

So here is a little advice for those of you who do hit the gym on a regular basis. Be willing to share equipment or have enough of a spine to say no if you don’t. Barring the above mentioned caveats, don’t storm off in a huff because you’re a passive-aggressive pussy pansy dumb-ass wimp.

Fibber

Ever have someone lie right to your face? Even better, the person has no idea you already know their lying? lol  Then when you confront them, they make pathetic, out-of-character excuses that are hysterical.

I’d love to hear stories on similar cases.

Howwie

Is me again. I’m sneaking onto the square box thing while daddy is sleeping. I still don’t understand it but my translator used to seem reawwie busy when I yipped at the bright square flippy thing . . . I think he called it a “scween”.  My translator left the other day. Daddy said he was “raptued” or something like dat. You’ll have to pawdon my spelling, I’m not a vewwie good speller. Daddy has been reawwie proud of me lately. He says I’ve  been extra special good. Even when we walk to the stoe w/o my leash on. [1]Oh ssshh, I’m not supposed to tell that. My other daddy doesn’t like it when I walk w/o my leash on.  Ewyway, my daddy has been wowwied about me. I’m approaching my ninth birfday and my age is starting to catch up with me. Don’t wowwie, nothing is wrong yet, Daddy just likes to wowwie. He notices I can’t run as much as I used to and I get a little tired sometimes real early. Daddy tries to give me a good walk every few days to keep me stwong and limber. When I get tired from my wawks I just take a break for a few days until I’ve regained my stwength. I like long naps. I curl up in my bed, I snore a lot and bury my face in my pillow to block out the sun. On really bwight days I put my paws up over my face to help keep the light out. I sometimes remember how to actually bark when I sweep. I can yip but barking is reawwie hard. When I’m sleeping, I have dreams of chasing birds and cats and I bark in my sleep. Its twue! Just ask my Daddy.  Ewyway, I told Daddy not to wowwie about me. I get lots of love and attention and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

I think I like this box thing. It glows pretty colors and seems not to gunk up when I slobber on it. I’m not allowed to chew on it though. I would get in awot of trouble if I did that. Daddy found a new treat for me the other day at some place called Waw-gweens. Its got something called healthy gwanola on the outside and a hard chewy bone on the inside. Its my new fwavorite treat! I slobber and lick all the crunchy stuff off then I bite, chomp, and chew on the boney part till its nice and soft and I swallow it. I’m not supposed to hurry but I get es’ited and I sometimes choke. I try not to choke cause Daddies gets reawwie mad when I barf on my bedding.

I’m tired now so I’m gawna say goow night now. Ya’ll don’t tell that I was on the shiny box thing again ok? High paw!

Dawgs rule!

Spike

References

References
↑1 Oh ssshh, I’m not supposed to tell that. My other daddy doesn’t like it when I walk w/o my leash on.

Rapture

Have you heard? The end is coming on 5.21.11 around 6:00pm. So says some crack pot religious freak who claims to have secret insights into the christian bible. lolol  Of course, it doesn’t seem to matter that he already made one failed prediction back in the 90’s.

I’m tickled over all the spoof sites popping up everywhere. There’s the post-rapture orgy in Times Square. Then there’s the post-rapture looting Facebook page. lolol Hilarious! Oh, and have you arranged for pet care after you get raptured? Oh yeah, you forgot about that didn’t ya! lol Pets aren’t included so they’ll be left behind. I doubt the lowly sinners left behind will want to do it. You better think of something quick or feefee is gonna be up shit creek without a paddle. hehehe ok, just kidding.

I’m not worried about Spike because I’ll be left behind. Frankly, I’d never wanna be raptured with a bunch of fanatical wingnuts who care more about personal greed and hiding behind fear than actually doing the word of “their” god.

Anyway, so what are you planning for rapture day (or the day after)?