Category: humor

Admire

I’ve mentioned a few times I’ve become addicted to Instagram, partly for the narcissism and party for inspiration. It can be very uplifting one minute and a total shit-show the next.

I opened a can of worms a few weeks ago. This body builder guy was posting pics on his public profile of his legs, torso, and buttocks. To clarify, he was clearly a legit bodybuilder and his pics focused on showing off his hard work. The pics were also often very revealing and left little to the imagination regarding his generous package. Said pics routinely got lots of hearts and comments. One day, I guess he’d had enough with what he felt were insulting comments on his sexiness (and his generous anatomy) and goes off on a rant. Basically, he didn’t like when people left comments about how nice his groin/butt is, how sexy he is, etc when he is just trying to track his progress.

I couldn’t help myself and left this comment:

While I can understand your frustration, it is unrealistic and somewhat hypocritical to post the types of pics you do in a public forum and then act upset when people see you in a sexual way. Yes, it may not be your purpose but your implying that every random person who finds your profile should just know that your pics are meant to be solely about your progress, not your manhood or overall good looks. Of course, this set off a firestorm of comments on both sides. The comments ranged from polite banter to the extreme of being compared to rape. I think he has since made his profile private. (smart man)

I have no idea if the guy was gay or straight, it wasn’t really relevant. I just found his faux outrage humorous. If you don’t want people gawking at your naughty bits, don’t put them out there.

Doofus

Get up early

Get Cooper fed/watered/walked

Go to gym to do cardio

Come home with enough to get ready for work

Arrive at work minus your badge/access card

Rush home on lunch break to get said card

Realize what a doofus you are because the the access card was tucked into your jacket pocket. Said jacket, you’ve had with you every step of the way.

Pressed

I was overcome w/nostalgia the other day while perusing the local Tar-gay. [1]Target

It was the funniest thing. I saw a guy checking out who had on a pair of pressed blue jeans. And by pressed, I mean they were starched and ironed. Is this a thing anymore? Was it every a thing anywhere besides the south? I grew up where it was routine to see folks in pressed jeans. It was a way of being ‘dressy’ w/o wearing actual dress clothes. It often came with a very large pressed shirt, of the country variety, as well.

I saw the guy and a flood of memories hit me. It was like I was back in high school. Random scenes flashed before my eyes of different folks wearing pressed jeans. Students weren’t the only ones either. I remember plenty of faculty who also wore them to football games, public speaking events, class, etc. While girls tended to wear them more regularly, plenty of guys wore them as their dressy attire.

I remember one guy who wore them all the time. He always said he liked the way they felt against his skin. There are so many ironies apparent to me now of course. One, he wore them w/o undies and his jeans were often skin tight. Two, they still weren’t very revealing. Three, while he was straight (and I believed he was), you could often catch him grabbing himself front and back to lift them up tighter. I could see it in my mind as if he had been standing right in front of me at the store. I could even smell the faint smell of his stetson cologne, of which he often bathed in. I’m sure the fact that he had a very round backside had nothing to do with why I remember him specifically. hehe

Another prevalent memory revolved around an Ag teacher who was famous for having all his junk pushed to one side of his jeans. [2]And it was an impressive display He was ‘straight’ and was routinely the topic of various gossip groups, teachers and students alike. But he loved his jeans pressed. I can’t think of a time actually that I ever saw him anywhere w/o his pressed jeans.

Anyway, it gave me a giggle. I hadn’t thought of it in years. I didn’t realize people still did it.

References

References
↑1 Target
↑2 And it was an impressive display

Smooshed

You know what a "smooshed sammich" is right? I was running late the other day and my coworker happened to see me making a smooshed sandwich and was very confused.

She asked why I was smooshing my sandwich. I’m like, "haven’t you ever made a smooshed sammich?"

*Quizzical looks from coworker*

It is a sandwhich you throw together, usually just meat and cheese and you smoosh it so it will stay together while you eat it. Usually a person is moving or active so the idea is to make it smooshed on purpose. ​

My coworker thought it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.

Clearly, she didn’t grow up poor or anywhere Southern. heehee

I’m just curious how many of you reading this knew what is was? ​

Bait

No, I’m not dredging up stories of child hood fishing trips or late night trolling for booty. I am referring to the out of control click-bait you see polluting most social media sites these days.

Headlines are written to provoke a click. It doesn’t matter if the headline isn’t true or so twisted to barely represent the story, as long as you ‘submit’. [1]Reference to a very funny Simpsons episode btw Most of the time said person sharing the click-bait hasn’t even read the link. It it is annoying to the point that I’ve started unfollowing people who do it a lot.

It is one thing if it is specifically related to you or your life. Beyond that, I don’t care what animal you are. I don’t care what cartoon character you are. I don’t care what your wanna be porn name is. I don’t care what character in any movie ever made is. I don’t care if you are a unicorn who burps glitter and shits rainbows. And here is a news flash, no one else does either!

And you people who share fake stories or scams “just to be safe” need to be punched in the dick!  Knock. It. Off!  No Bill Gates and Yahoo are not joining forces. No, the IRS is not sending the sheriffs to your house to arrest you unless you send them money. No, the quadrillionaire in [insert county here] did not die and leave all his money in limbo so his [insert relative or estated holder] can ask your help in getting the money. No, VI@gR@ will not help you ‘get the girl.’ No, “if you are a real ______, you will share this like I did.”  And for fuck’s sake, NO YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE A LOT OF MONEY BY MAGIC IF YOU POST THIS TO 10 OTHER PEOPLE’S PROFILES.

Now get off my lawn!

References

References
↑1 Reference to a very funny Simpsons episode btw

Ever

Have you every been randomly walking and you see someone ahead of you and you see them enough to think, “hmmm, that looks interesting?”

You deliberately speed up your walking to try and catch up with the person for a better look.

It takes you a bit but you keep at it. I mean you don’t want to be too obvious or look like a stalker.

You get closer, things are still looking good.

You get close enough for a really good look and then think, “oh, well that was not what I expected” and feel totally embarrassed and even a little guilty.

Has that every happened to you? No?

Yeah, me neither.

🙂

Weird

I had a very bizarre nightmare the other day. It left me restless and agitated for the rest of the day. I’m not prone to nightmares but when I do get them, they are often very vivid and intense. It must have been a weird star alignment because Cooper had woken us up at one point with his barking. [1]He only barks when he sleeps and clearly his barks weren’t happy barks. Turns out, The Pup had also had bad dreams that night. I’m not overly superstitious but I’ll admit all three of us having bad dreams on the same night left me shaken the whole day. I kept waiting for something awful to happen as if it had been an omen.

I like to think I don’t have many hidden fears so I’m less prone to act them out in my sleep. I can’t say with any fact if that’s true but considering this particular dream, I am inclined to believe it. It involved The Pup leaving me. And while things are rock solid between us, and have been since we met, I guess I still have some lingering fear over it. I woke up and my face was wet so I’d obviously been crying in my sleep. It was weird because I could feel him next to me, even in sleep. We both tend to toss and turn so my body knew he was there. When I woke up, I guess we’d rolled away from each other at just the most inopportune moment as I no longer felt him touching me and since he left me in the dream, I had to physically make sure he was still in bed with me. It was a very surreal and scary feeling.

It was even more bizarre in that I was running for President. Yeah, you read it right. lolol I didn’t really want to run as I felt I had too many skeletons in my closet. But the more I tried not to run, the more popular I became and the more The Pup was unhappy with me. He didn’t want to have to share me with the world and the day I got elected president, he left me.

He and I laughed over it later when we had time to discuss it.

References

References
↑1 He only barks when he sleeps and clearly his barks weren’t happy barks.

Freeze

My workspace at work is always an ice box. [1]That’s slang for refrigerator for you young’ens We have this awesome temp control system that allows to control the temperature in virtually every room but mine. lol  The space I work in and the space next to me used to be one big room. After a reconfiguration project a few years ago, it was split in two. That’s great but now the temp controls for the other side no longer effects my side. So I work in this nether space of frozen Tundra temperatures. Someone made a conscious decision to not include this little space because all the temp sensors have been removed. Seriously?! lol

My workstation has a little Johnson control heater which is usually enough to off-set the worst of it. But on days like today, it’s just a polar zone up in here. brrrrrr. I keep an extra warm up on the back of my chair so I can bundle up. If you see updates on Google, twitter, or FB that ramble off into one or two letters, call 911, I’ve frozen to death.

References

References
↑1 That’s slang for refrigerator for you young’ens

Even

Continuing in my random thought rants, and for you beard/mustache groomers out there, ever get that perfect self cut or trim? Ain’t it grand?
image

I was trimming my wiry beard and shaving my neck fuzz the other day and I got the perfect trim to it. Yes, I know, riveting news! hehehe  I never seem to shave both sides evenly. One side always looks a tiny bit off and no matter how hard I try, it only seems to make it worse. One side is either lower or seems to have a dent in the shave line. That or the line angle along my jaw always seems a bit off. [1]I shave from under my goatee outwards  Of course, no one ever notices it. It’s always tiny deviations that I only seem to notice.

Well, the other day I got it perfect! The width was the same, the lines were even and angled the same. I was so proud of my little endeavor. Can I get an ‘amen’?  heehee

References

References
↑1 I shave from under my goatee outwards

No 1

On a total random vein of thought and this is not a post about how fabulous I think I am. (Unlike a certain other blogger we all know….*cough brettcajun cough*) No, today’s rant is a gross-fascination sort of topic. You know, one of those things ya usually don’t talk about it but it’s oddly fascinating to think about.

So how often do you find yourself in a situation where you start No 1 and then suddenly realize you need to do No 2? I’m sure who know where this is headed. heehee

Do you finish the No 1 before attempting No 2 or do you stop it mid-stream? Of course, this begs the question, do you zip up completely before adjourning to the porcelain throne or do you just walk on over with your bait and tackle dangling?

Even better, what do you do if it’s a public restroom and someone else is occupying it with you? Do you zip up and just stroll on over while they’re there? Or do you take a really loooong hand wash until they leave and then hit the stall?

Yes, it is burning questions like these the occupy my thoughts from time to time.