Category: humor

Meme Me This…

So Large Tony‘s got me doing a Meme. (course that boy could convince me to do just about anything.)

The rules are simple.

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions – each person’s will be different. I’ll post the questions in the comments section of this post.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here goes.

1. What is the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you in grade school?
That’s easy. Fifth grade, I had Miss Hanchey as my teacher. On the outside she was a mean spiteful wench. On the inside, she was a sweet old lady who loved kids. So one day after grammar studdies, I’m goofing off (I was a holy terror in grade school) leaning way back in my chair, holding myself upright by my feet under my desk. I inadvertently farted and it was a loud one. Not only that but the chair seat was plastic so it reverberated even louder. The whole room burst out laughing. I was so startled I lost my footing and fell straight back. Two whammies for the price of one!

2. Name something that you really wish you were better at.
Sucking cock. No, just kidding, I am an expert at that already. Uh…um…I always wished I could sing. My child hood fantasy was to be a singer. The first time I heard my recorded voice played back I was heartbroken to discover I couldn’t carry a note if my life depended on it.

3. What specific item in your closet/wardrobe would you wear to definitely get a man’s attention?
This is a toughy. I can dress to impress but I am very much a T-shirt and jeans kinda guy. I’d have to say a nice snug pair of pants to show off my backside. Guys usually notice my eyes and my butt first anyway. If you got it, flaunt it!

4. What would your friends be surprised to find in the trunk or glove box of your car?
Well I currently own a motor scooter so that would be kinda hard. (I sold my car upon moving to SF) But back when I had a car, I’d have to say a taser. I kept a taser in my glovebox for years.

5. M&M’s or Skittles?
Defintely M&M’s. I’m not a big candy person. The only other candy I find irresistible is Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups.

Tag your it!

Giggles & Oooh Hey Boy!

As friends do, Bobby often teases me about my behavior. Never being the shy type, I often flirt openly w/handsome men. Doesn’t really matter where. (Well w/some exception but you get the point) I used to have a saying when I saw a hot guy, “ooooh, Hey Boy!” He has never let me live it down either. So now everytime we are together and I remark on someone rather stunning, he blurts it out ‘oooh, hey boy!’ Cracks me up every time. Today, on the way into the Castro I’m having a “oooh, hey boy!” moment when I lay eyes on a tranny coming home from a hard days work. She instantly reminded me of a character from Mad TV and I burst into hysterical laughter. The train was completely packed and I got more than a few glances from people. (Not that I’d ever care.) I couldn’t stop laughing. The irony of it was I think the tranny knew exactly what I was laughing about. She had a big smile on her face and made a motion from the character as she departed the train. I forget the name of the character but she is the blond one and in the skit she always has two high ponytails on the top front of her head and she randomly reaches and pulls on them while making a sort of screeching noise and describing some horrific moment in her tragic life. Of course, this sent me into barrels of laughter all over again. By the time I had myself under control again, the hottie had departed.

It made my evening.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

*I’m only posting this after being coerced by kristaki*

I locked myself out of my apartment the other night. I had a doc’s appointment that ran late. In all the rush getting home, I ran out without my keys. I didn’t even notice until I got home and tried to get in. Luckily enough, I live in a high rise building w/24 hour security. (Well they are more like door stops w/hair but thats another story). So anyway, Joe Schmoe graciously offers to let me in for the customary $50.00 fee. *trying to remember my karma here I kept my mouth shut*

Well, things never seem to go simple for me so this night was no exception. We get into the office and discover they’ve installed a new lockbox system. Joe Schmoe has no idea how to work it so I end up fiddling w/it till I figure it out. We finally get the key and head on up. *dramatic pause………* The key doesn’t work. On the way down, we discover Joe locked HIS keys in the office and has in effect locked himself out as well. Numerous phone calls later w/no results, I end up picking the lock myself w/a key set and a plastic bank card. Course, goofus had to wait till the next morning to get back into the office.

Cartman Meets His Match

I couldn’t help myself. I was blogrolling and discovered are you effin’ kidding me who had a link to the create your own SouthPark character website.

Ladies and Gentleman, hobo’s and tramps, crossed-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants. I present to you the newest South Park character:

Wilton Mobius Nelson III (meaning I made three attempts before I got one I liked)

aka Mober

Mober

His purpose: Protect Kenny
His superpower: Can blow the balls off any mofo who gets in his way
His anathema: Ignunce

Friends of A Feather

My dearest friend Tim sent me this email this morning and instructed me to share it will all of you, my dear dear readers. He apparently got it from one of you, and he sends his thanks.

Found this by searching through some of the contacts on your blog – so you have no one to blame but yourself

Monday, March 21, 2005
What are you reading?
Via Fragmentary Blue:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

OK, I knew you were busy so I have posted the three sentences for you, you just copy them and put them on your blog because I knew which book would be closest to you, here are the sentences

See Dick Run

Run Dick Run

Dick is a good runner

You are more than welcome.

Tim

Ahhh, the love of good friends. *mental note – remove Tim from the Xmas card list*

😛

Confuscious Say….

…man you fart in church have his one p(h)ew. *g*

Ok, so I’m plodding away thru the php code and slowly grasping the dynamics of it. My new design is going to require some heavy rewrites of the code so it probably won’t be up this week. I’m sticking w/the default design until I switch over. So far, I’m of the mindset PHP is OVERLY complex however, I’m still a newbie at it. I realize it offers some great modularity however, it seems the same could be accomplished w/xhtml and my mysql. Don’t quote me.

I am feeling better today finally. I think I’m finally on the mend. I don’t plan on doing anything this weekend to jepordize that either.

Judge Jack

I’m still felling icky today but thankfully I’ve been spared the high fevers everyone else seems to be getting w/this crap.

Trying to keep my mind on other things I stumbled across this headline from the Sf Chronicle. Remember the Jack’n Judge? You know the guy using a pump to masterbate under his bench during cases. Looks like his career came and went but is now possibly facing criminal charges.

“We’re certainly saddened by the thought that the prosecutor filed charges,” said Clark Brewster, Thompson’s attorney. “We thought all this was dealt with when he resigned. We didn’t feel like anything that was alleged rose to the level of criminal charges.”

Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson’s robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.

Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kurt Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster’s audiotape of the trial.

When jurors at the trial asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn’t heard it, but would listen for it.

Last time I checked, masturbating in public was still a crime in all 50 states.

Random Giggles, Ooohs, and Aaaahs!

You HAVE to skip over and read homer‘s Ode to the Nipple!

For all my scifi nuts, Steven Spielberg is directing the remake of Orsin Wells’ War of the Worlds! Can you believe it? WOW’s was one of the first scifi movies I saw growing up. Always thought it was well made for its time. I hope they deliver on the remake. Course, w/old Spiely in the directors chair, its bound to be over the top! The trailers can be seen in a bit larger format here. I soo es’cited!