Category: humor

Holy War

Brothers and sisters, harken unto my voice. I am declaring a fatwa. Not on who but what, grease and fat! As the first of the three gay high holy days1 approaches, it is time. The Motherland, one again, is preparing to receive her lost children unto her bosom. She will have you clean and deserving or not at all.

I declare unto you, go forth and make war on the fatty and greasy foods. No more will you be slaves to their evil influence. You must resist the temptation to indulge in their sinfulness2. They are infidels and will only try to subvert you into their hideous ways. Instead, you will prostrate yourself in daily workout routines. You will not skip your cardio workouts. You will burn away the years of evil residue and build up. Make it so for I have spoken. I have declared they are the “axis of evil” and must be defeated at all costs! Make it so my children.

1 Gay Pride, Up Your Alley Fair, and Folsom St. Fair.
2 That means no Taco Bell brettcajun!

Bear Crawl & Saggy Panties

No, not together thankfully. hehehe. This past Saturday my blogger buddy Shawn drug me out for the Bear Crawl. I didn’t even know what it was. It happens a few times a year. Basically, a huge group of guys (like almost 100) get together and go bar to bar every 30 minutes. I didn’t join in till much later in the evening however, I had a good time. And it’s official, I’m a bear. I didn’t realize it was so easy to join. All I had to do was have facial hair along w/my happy trail and light patch of chest fuzz. As seen from my pic here. Who knew?














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In more shallow news, why is it old men always were really baggy or tight underwear? Always one extreme or the other? I saw this older guy today, probably in his mid 60’s, lean and tall. He had on a pair of skin tight bikini cut bright aqua blue undies that looked ridiculous. Even the older guy next to me had a smirk on his face. People, I know fashion sense is shallow in the grand scheme of things. That said, take a moment to look at yourself before you walk out your door in the morning. Please, I beg you, stop torturing the rest of us and dress your damn age. /rant

Oh, Remind me…

…to never tell my trainer my workouts aren’t intense enough. OUCH!

…to tell you about the date that almost was.

… to tell you how over the top some of the uber liberals here can be.

… to tell you about the trick that almost wasn’t.

… to remind you about Blogapalooza 2007.

Oh, and my favorite quote of the day, “Oh yes, it will be long, it will be hard and there will be no relenting“. Can you guess who said it?

Bass Ackwards

I don’t know if I read it or dreamed it but I remembered someone discovering they’d put their underwear on backwards. I thought, “I never do that“.

Of course, that is the fallacy of saying never. I get to the gym today and discover…

…My underwear were on backwards. No one noticed but me. I do think I looked pretty funny suddenly bursting into laughter for no apparent reason though.

Priceless

I saw a Santa today taking donations on the street. You know the ones, they setup shop and solicit donations for charity. So anyway, there was a homeless guy setup about 20 feet away with a sign reading “skip the middle man and donate to me“.

I normally don’t give out money for the homeless as they often spend it on booze or worse. I made an exception today.

Jesus Christ, Superhero

I had probably the oddest frakin’ dream I’ve ever had in my entire life last night. Are you ready for this? Ok, here goes…

I dreamed I was in a oddly shaped church w/a swimming pool in back section. No, that’s not the weird part even though, my friend Trev busted out laughing as soon as those words were out of my mouth. He could tell already it was a doozy! Anyway, I kept diving into the deep end of the pool and every time I did I was possessed by Jesus Christ when I came up for air. I know weird. And before any religious folks go off the deep end w/your voodoo, read the rest of the story. (Yes, it gets worse)

While I’m possessed, I’m still the same inside but on the outside I’m all glowy and I can heal people, fix broken buildings, see the truth, etc. You know the whole “image”. Now for the record, I didn’t “feel” the presence of anyone other than myself nor did the dream have any “holiness” to it. Jesus wasn’t in me, I was just suddenly the aspect of Jesus in my dream. The dream repeats a few times where I do amazing things, blah blah blah. Then at one point, I’ve just performed some sort of miracle and I go up to the pulpit and God is there. Except God is rather buff, hairy, and wearing a toga type garment. We hug (No, I wasn’t coping a feel, it was a father/son hug however, I do remember thinking in the dream dad was buff. lol)

It was at this point that my friend interrupted the dream by waking me up. When the grogginess wore off and the sheer ludicrousness of the dream hit me, I started giggling and told Trev immediately.

I giggled all the way to the gym.

Hard Gay?

I’m fond of teasing my compadres at work and they me. Today, we were laughing about some of the reality shows on TV these days and I made a passing comment “that is so gay”. Apparently, coming from a gay man, my straight counterparts found that extremely hilarious. One of the more macho guys laughed so hard he fell off his chair. I didn’t really say it to be funny. However, it made the rounds all over the room. I guess if you are out and gay and you call something else gay, it’s uber-gay! Who knew?

And has anyone else heard of the “hard gay” guy from Japan? My counter-part, kristaki, has and finds him utterly hilarious as well. What say you?