hmmmm? – Page 5 – Moby Files: Blog

See

I was re-watching a movie called Devil the other day and I was struck by one of the points in the story line. If you have’t seen it, almost the entire movie is shot from inside an elevator. It might sound a bit boring but its quite entertaining if you like the genre. Very suspenseful. Anyway, The devil brings this group of individuals together because he wants to claim one of their souls. The twist is that they are all bad individuals or have done bad things, whether intentional or not. As the story unfolds you discover they seem to be intertwined in relevant ways.

Anyway, my rant isn’t so much about the story line but part of the theory one of the lead characters proposed as a resolution. How do you make someone see themselves for who & what they really are? For you few enduring readers, you know this ties in nicely with one of my fundamental approaches to my blog; to see myself more objectively. ^[1]I certainly do a decent job of it at times but we all reflect on reality based on our own wants, desires, prejudices, etc. Thru many years of self-examination I like to think I have gotten better at seeing parts of myself more objectively. But how does one produce this on a larger scale? Think for a moment how many real world problems we could solve with this. And not just in our personal lives but in life in general.

In the movie the main character, being faced with imminent damnation, is finally given to see himself for who he is and what he has done. His redemption comes from the objective realization that he has committed a great wrong, whether intentional or not, and must atone for it if he homes to become a better person.

My question here is this the only way we can push people into seeing w/o the blinders? Is imminent destruction or death the only real way to remove the barriers we put before ourselves. I think back on my father before he passed. He waited till he was on his death bed to tell me he was sorry for the awful things he did to me during my coming out. Granted I think he’d realized his faults years before but he waited until the last possible moment to seek forgiveness. Maybe it sounds silly but the more I think on it the more I think this could/would fundamentally change our world.

Sadly, I don’t have a practical answer or solution to put forward. In my own life, it came from realizing a basic unhappiness in myself and struggling to understand it. This led to the pursuit of examining my id and all it’s many demons. I think this also reflects on why I try so hard to be fair-minded and equal in my thought patterns.

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↑1	I certainly do a decent job of it at times but we all reflect on reality based on our own wants, desires, prejudices, etc.

Crotchety

I got a very interesting email reply regarding some of my more recent posts. The person wasn’t ugly or rude but asked if I thought I was getting less flexible in my tolerance of others as I get older. This gave me pause to ponder as I’ve wondered the very same thing at times.

My answer is yes and no. I looked back over the last year of off/on posts and I don’t think I’m getting crotchety…yet! lol I haven’t talked much about my personal growth later so yeah it seems I am more opinionated in many of my more recent posts. I can tell the person asking isn’t a long time reader because he would know those are pretty much parcel and post around here. I always have an opinion. But, I am willing to listen to other opinions on many issues and sometimes I even change my own.

I do think as I age though what used to be fleeting ideals have settled in my id. For my few looooong time readers, you’ll remember the struggles I’ve gone thru here. They are legion. And you’ll remember me referring to myself as a blank slate in some regards because I never felt like I was given a strong moral compass as a child. I had to choose which paths in life to take and part of that was how I wanted to be as a person. I have a strong moral compass now. It may not be the norm or even acceptable to others but it guides me in all that I do. I still try to live by the Golden Rule, love, acceptance, tolerance, kindness, and compassion. And thru that I’ve grown from trying to figure out who I am to knowing who I am. I still struggle, as should we all, with things but my id is more formed today. Life, age, experience, mistakes, and wisdom all had a hand it that of course. Am I still fallible? Of course I am! As evidenced by last failed-LTR. I went into it with blinders on and am still feeling the repercussions as a result. And yes, I still have baggage that I carry around with me. I’m happy that it has been reduced to a single carry-on vs a whole family set. hehehe

So yes, I do think I am a tad less flexible in some ways. The irony here is had I been more less-flexible, my last LTR would not have turned into an LTR. Actually, that is only partially true. I had also transferred somer personal demons into the mix that contributed greatly. Anyway, there are many things I used to ignore or shrug off when I was younger. Now I just find I have less tolerance for what I see as bullshit. And if you drag me into your BS or drama, I’m more apt to tell you about it vs just walking away. The key I think is not to allow all the problems of others to become BS in my mind. That is the distinction. ^[1]There’s that word again. I just love it.

On the flip side, I’m still evolving as a human. I’m still learning and growing as a man and discovering more of what makes me tick. In that regard, I don’t think I’m inflexible at all. I actually believe I am very flexible, almost too much. In the end, I’m struggling for balance. And I believe therein lies the fundamental key; finding a balance between beliefs and ideals while still being accepting of others or willing to see outside of my own box, so to speak.

So, there is your answer dear reader and thanks for being willing to broach the subject with me.

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↑1	There’s that word again. I just love it.

Dark Side

I’ve been getting more than usual flirts from members of the opposite sex lately. It’s kinda odd because it seems to have come out of nowhere. lol The occasional flirt doesn’t really register but more than a few a month is noteworthy.

I’m sitting on the MUNI bus a couple weeks back and this girl comes over and sits next to me. I didn’t think much of it as the coach was a tad crowded. I had Cooper with me and she started asking questions about him as she petted him. At one point, she was practically in my lap and her questions had shifted from Cooper to me. I was sort of shocked to realize she was trying to get me to pick her up! lol I almost fell out of my seat. Luckily, my stop arrived and she wasn’t departing at the same terminal. Cooper and I exited the train. I couldn’t resist the urge to look back and sure enough she was staring after me and smiling.

I’m at Starbucks in the ‘hood one day and the girl behind me starts up a conversation. Next thing I know she’s asking if I’m married or if I have a “girlfriend.” I’m like, really? I’m at the heart of gay and gayer and you’re mack’n on me? She figured it out when I hugged and kissed a friend who happened to stop by. hehehe She looked so dejected too.

Even at work I’ve noticed a slight change from some of my female co-workers. I’m completely out at work and everyone knows. I’ve always had little compliments and kind words from some of the girls but lately it seems to have really picked up. Just last week I had 3 different girls call me handsome, compliment my muscles, ask about my gym routine, who I was dating, etc.

Coupled with my recent post about the guy in the gym suddenly finding interest I’m curious what has changed about me? Have my pheromones changed? Am I giving off the single and available vibe more strongly? Honest to goodness, I don’t really get it. Granted, I can appreciate an attractive woman but I’m a polar zero on the Kinsey scale. Having been to the dark side, not once but twice, I am quite confident it is most definitely NOT for me. lol I say that in jest of course. I’m always very flattered when someone finds me attractive. We all should. It doesn’t change who I am if it is a girl or a guy. It just is.

Anyway, while I’m certainly perplexed, I ain’t bitchin’. Hopefully, it will continue with the boys as well.

'scaping

I was having a discussion the other day with a casual buddy on Google+ and he was somewhat surprised to discover that I man-scape. I don’t quite get why that’s such a surprise but whatev. In our conversation, he kept inferring that it was somehow un-manly of me. I thought he was just joking at first but as the chat continued, it was obvious he was being somewhat serious. I find it sad that we lock ourselves into said attitudes.

First, let me say this is a general reference and yes I know not everyone who doesn’t man-scape fits my rant today so don’t get your knickers in a twist. 🙂

From a grooming perspective, its just about good hygiene. I know not everyone sees it that way. Some people are just indifferent or think the completely el-natural look is fine. I respectfully disagree. If your nose hair is twice the length of your nose, trim that shit! If your chest hair can be braided and corn-rolled it’s also time for a trim. Further, if your bush (front or back) can supply a wig factory for a month, its time for a good run thru with the clippers. No one is asking you to shave it off or get rid of it. While it may on very rare occassions compliment your features, that is most definitely not the norm. For the most part, it makes you look unkempt and dirty. ^[1]And not the good kind of dirty. And if you really like hair, trimming it makes it grow faster silly Billy!

This reminds me of an episode years ago when I first moved to SF. I used to run into a guy at the gym who had so much chest hair it flowed over his collar like some creeping scifi devil vine. Seriously, it was creepy. Nothing he ever wore contained it. It stuck out around his hands, neck, and waist. For a while I really wondered if he suffered from that Wolfman disorder. Turns out, he happened to love hair and absolutely loved his Fangorn forest growth. Anyway, one day he was bemoaning not being able to find dates and I jokingly mentioned his creature feature. He later asked me if I really thought it was a big deal. My first thought was to laugh it off to avoid a potentially uncomfortable conversation. Few are ever receptive to negative feedback even when it is meant constructively. He seemed really eager to know so I decided to give him my honest opinion. I told him while he thought it was awesome , it probably creeped a lot of people out. If he just trimmed it down to a managable size he could have the best of both worlds.

He seemed receptive but I didn’t think much of it. To my surprise, I ran into him about a month later and he stopped me to show off his new much shorter forestine growth. He thanked me for being open to telling him my honest opinion and said that he’d gotten a lot of really positive feedback from friends/strangers alike. I still see him around from time to time and he still keeps it under control. hehehe

The moral of the story boys and gurls? You can keep things in check w/o looking like a Brazilian twink fresh off the assembly line at a Belami video.

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↑1	And not the good kind of dirty.

Extra Large

Nothing dirty, get your mind out of my gutter. But you should be logged in if you’re not.

Has anyone noticed that t-shirt sizes seem to be shrinking and pant sizes seem to be growing? WTF is up with that? lol I was recently shopping for a zip-up hoodie and none of the sizes fit me. I had to end up getting an extra-large. While I’m first to admit I’ve put on some muscle in the last 10 years, I’m not that damn big. And for some odd reason, clothing manufacturer’s never seem to make t-shirts the same size across brands. Even when shopping within the same brand, I often find I have to check sizes. It drives me nuts. I’m what I like to call a hybrid shopper. I like to shop but I don’t like wasting tons of time trying on clothes, especially for t-shirts. Once I become familiar with a brand, I like knowing I can grab a shirt I like, hit the checkout, and be done with it.

It is frustrating as hell to try to shop for shirts because you have to try every single freaking shirt on before you buy it. And then hope/pray it doesn’t shrink, even when it’s not supposed to, after you wash it. ^[1]That’s a whole other pet-peeve! Why can’t they do like shoe companies and show a size based on what country the shoe is being sold in? While I still try on shoes before I buy, I never have to jump sizes. A size 10 is always a size 10 (with only a small difference between shoes and boots). Oh and even worse, when you buy cheap shirts, it is just the opposite. You buy a small and it drags your knees! lol

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↑1	That’s a whole other pet-peeve!

Casualty

Apparently, my last blog post was a casualty of my learning curve on the mac. I’ve been experimenting with different blogging software on the mac as there doesn’t seem to be a really stand out winner. I’m kinda surprised because I thought for sure there would be a good one.

I use Windows Live Writer on the PC and it turns out, its one of the best out there. And its free. None of the free mac software even comes close. I’m tinkering w/one now called Ecto and it seem something happened between my saving it to the laptop and it getting posted online.

Anyway, I re-write the last post when I get time. It was a child hood memory that sort of hit me out the blue the other day and I thought I’d share. lol

Fibber

Ever have someone lie right to your face? Even better, the person has no idea you already know their lying? lol Then when you confront them, they make pathetic, out-of-character excuses that are hysterical.

I’d love to hear stories on similar cases.

Assume The Position

On a recent ride, I found it somewhat amusing when a riding buddy shocked an employee of a local and very busy biker hangout. Basically, the employee replied to a buddy’s comment about it being a nice day. The employee said something to the effect, “and the pretty girls.” Well my (male) friend w/o even really thinking anything of it said, “and the pretty guys“. You could tell it was totally not the answer the employee was expecting! Now don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t ignorant or stupid, he was just surprised. He didn’t break stride or even turn around. It was a very subtle but obvious change in his movements that gave him away. It also cracked me the hell up! This leads me into my post today.

My assumption is that because we were motorcycle riders, he naturaly assumed we were straight. Of course, I get that it ties into Western society’s over-emphasis on male/fem characteristics, hobbies, etc. But that’s a way deeper well to dive into on some other day…

Anyway, it struck me as noteworthy because I’ve become so accustomed to my openness about being gay. I just so rarely think about it in a public forum anymore. I always just assume anyone who meets me knows I’m gay. I make no pretense about it how could they not know? [Insert joke here] It still surprises me when someone doesn’t pick up on it. ( On an unrelated side note, this begs the question about gays learning to pick up on said subtle clues more astutely than our straight counter-parts.)

Of course, I’d forgotten that perception can be a powerful thing. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage, ‘perception is 9/10’s of reality.‘ Well, case and point. lol The human brain becomes hard-wired to expect certain actions, in this case behaviors. It will often (given time and/or more cues) pick up on subtle, out-of-the-norm differences, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. I’m sure given more time to observe us, the employee would have figured it out. 😉 Ironically, now that I think back on it, I can remember several rides where the same thing has occurred.

My buddy and I got a nice chuckle out it nonetheless. And we continued to cruise guys.

Rapture

Have you heard? The end is coming on 5.21.11 around 6:00pm. So says some crack pot religious freak who claims to have secret insights into the christian bible. lolol Of course, it doesn’t seem to matter that he already made one failed prediction back in the 90’s.

I’m tickled over all the spoof sites popping up everywhere. There’s the post-rapture orgy in Times Square. Then there’s the post-rapture looting Facebook page. lolol Hilarious! Oh, and have you arranged for pet care after you get raptured? Oh yeah, you forgot about that didn’t ya! lol Pets aren’t included so they’ll be left behind. I doubt the lowly sinners left behind will want to do it. You better think of something quick or feefee is gonna be up shit creek without a paddle. hehehe ok, just kidding.

I’m not worried about Spike because I’ll be left behind. Frankly, I’d never wanna be raptured with a bunch of fanatical wingnuts who care more about personal greed and hiding behind fear than actually doing the word of “their” god.

Anyway, so what are you planning for rapture day (or the day after)?