Category: gay

You Wanna Put That Where?..

I’m home from a long day of work. I’m cranky and my larynx is sore from instructing along w/my normal work schedule. I’m all itchy for a fight when I discover Bent Collective’s rant on “sexual addiction”. He has become one of my favorite reads and I hope he doesn’t think less of me after my rant tonight. That said, I made a promise to myself to be honest on my blog. Course, nothing like sex talk to shake me out of a mood. Rather than tie up his blog w/my madness, I opted to post it here. It would probably help if you jump over and read his post first for a frame of reference.

[insert jeopardy music here]

Back already? Ok.

I’ve often wondered if I am a sex addict. I don’t fit most of the definitions of what it is to be a “sexual addict”. But that only serves to complicate the issue (for me).

For a long time, I applied monogamy for all the wrong reasons. Quite simply, I wanted control. My self worth was lacking and I was hounded by the irrational fear of being abandoned for the bbd (bigger better deal.) I think a large percentage of gay men have this same issue. As I’ve matured, I shed my morals on monogamy along w/my insecurities. I still believe it is possible for two men to be monogamous, just not probable. Is it possible for me to have a monogamous relationship? I can’t really answer that. The truth is I don’t know. These boundries are not etched in stone w/me so I think it’s flexible.

In several of my monogamous relationships, it was very hard not to cheat. Especially with partners who had much lower sex drives than myself. However, I did it. In one particular relationship, it was very hard as my partner travelled a lot. I was often home alone and always horny. I didn’t cheat only to discover later he did and often. Obviously, I have the will power to say no. (Why am I flashing anti-drug campaigns w/all sorts of funny twists right now?)

In my last relationship, we were open and it worked great for me. I found my partners playtime w/o me erotic and greatly stimulating. It often made for some really great sex between us. However, he seemed to have trouble dealing w/it and often hid things from me. The deceit did bother me and when I tried to work thru it, he would twist the argument into me being jealous. I still really don’t understand that one. And he often had trouble w/my playtime away even though he’d never admit it.

So now I’m left examining my carnal side. I find no shame in sex. I crave it almost constantly. The more I get the more I want. I openly find outlets for my desires on a weekly basis. I often visit blowbuddies (look it up if you don’t know) here in the city along w/the occasional online hookup. (when I have the patience) Add to that, living in SF you practically have to be dead not to get laid. Being reasonably attractive and hung doesn’t hurt either. (Ok, I’m bragging.) There is no shame in it for me. I don’t cloak it terms of “dating” either. A habit that so many fags tend to do. Fucking someone and dating are two entirely separate beasts. Having a powerfully strong oral fetish, I feel almost driven at times to find “it”. I’ve had more sex in 10 years than most people have in a life time. (Not bragging here just making a point.) That said, it doesn’t interfere w/my work or social life. And, I don’t avoid other aspects of my life just to get sex. Yet, it does play a large part in my life. As I age, it doesn’t seem to change one way or the other.

I’m quite sure part my drive stems from abandonment issues carried over from childhood. No doubt about it. (Remember way back when I said we would save this conversation and crack it open later? Well, consider it cracked!) I was neglected and almost never touched as a child after the age of 5. And when I was touched, it was usually at the end of a belt, board, or any object my stepmother had handy. Am I substituting love for sex? It’s possible. But is that the only reason? I don’t think so but I’m not entirely sure.

After it’s all said and done, I’m still left asking myself. . . Am I a sex addict?

Dunno.

Whew! It’s Hot In Here

Oh I almost forgot! I’m getting a giggle out of the latest scandal floating thru the local fag rags. The city is just a buzz over it! Apparently, the Gold’s gym on Market St. decided to close their steam room permanently for “inappropriate behavior”. How is that for comedy? A steam room in a gay gym in the heart of the Castro w/”inappropriate behavior”! Who’d a thunk it? The BAR even did a story on it. I mention it only because I happened to be one of the unlucky few walking by while they were conducting the survey. (They practically pounced on me.)

Now having worked out at Gold’s for several years before making the switch to Crunch, I’m well aware of the “goings-on” in the steam room. Frankly, you didn’t go in there unless you were looking for something. Every person who said different was eventually caught in that lie. And I ain’t buying the excuse, “oh I just like to go in for the steam”. Yeah, right. Just because you weren’t doing the blowing doesn’t mean you can absolve yourself of any shinanigans. I’m also aware of several employees indulging in said activities. Add to that, to get caught you had to be so blatantly open and over the top that they HAD to say something.

I am annoyed, however, over everyone jumping on the holier-than-thou bandwagon now. Mind you these are the very same queens usually parked in there for hours at a time looking for trade. Two guys interviewed right after me were just going on and on about how bad it was. And they were some of the worse offenders! Spare me your indignation gurls, I know better. I’m not saying it is ok for such behavior to go on unchecked. But to ignore the behavior for god knows how many years and then suddenly cry foul is pathetic. And don’t even get me started on that two faced queen that manages the place. I’m digressing again….What bothers me is how often this same story plays itself out. One of our dirty little secrets gets out in the open and we all feign indignation over it. No thank you, I’m all stocked up on bullshit here.

The reality is the management overreacted to a threat someone made to notify the Health Dept. For years, they’ve turned a blind eye and now they are shitting bricks that it may bite them in the ass.

Just thought you’d like to know…

Gay & Not So Gay

In the spirit of Halloween and costumes, I ask you….how do you describe your gayness? Is it just about the fact that you like to suck cock or is it more? Do you define gayness by the clothes you wear, the places you go, the people you know, and/or how butch you act (or don’t)? Better yet, how do you define masculinity? Do you use any of the previous mentioned criteria?

I just don’t understand sometimes how we can be so blind to our shortcomings when they are so obvious. The attitude I see most often is the clothing makes the man. Doesn’t matter how fem or masculine you are as long as you dress butch it’s ok…your butch.

Here’s a clue!

I don’t care how butch you dress, if you open your mouth and Barbie rolls out spouting her newest shoe purchase you ain’t butch. And while I’m answering the clue hotline here’s another tip. Its ok! Be yourself. It doesn’t matter if you dress in a dress or leather, it’s all drag if it’s not you.

Then there’s the straight-acting group. You can suck cock at Blowbuddy’s but you can’t get your nails done in the Castro. Oh no, that would be just appear to be too gay! Whatever. Again, get over it!

A simple observation is you can enhance or create an appearance either direction. But at the end of the day, is this who you really are?

I often refer to myself as “post gay”. I forget who coined the term but I took to it immediately. Such a simple word combination sums up so much. A sort of “been there, did that” type of thing. I’m probably not explaining it well. I’m just annoyed w/current gays. Our culture seems obsessed w/”gayness” and almost always masculinity is tied into it, directly or indirectly. We internalize our homophobia and dish each other creating even more separation.

I wonder when will it end. Will we continue down the current path where androgyny is the new butch or will we just grow up a bit and be more accepting? (The latter option is looking pretty grim I’m afraid.)

Whoda Whatda What?

Ahhh the refreshing power of a full gullet! Yeah, yeah, I know you want some pics but I haven’t had time to edit yet. I have some from the trip and from a deliscious lunch w/my friend Tim prior to. Some long haired hippy showed up afterwards. Don’t ask me where he came from…

So much going on in the news right now. I’m surprised to see the Dem’s might actually be growing a pair and taking on the Re-dumb-icans.

Sadly, looks like Target might be joining my list of places NOT to shop. Apparently, they allow pharmacists to refuse filling someone’s prescription based on “religious beliefs”. Disappointing but true it seems. I sent them a “lovely” worded letter expressing my concern. You can too here. I don’t know about you but I’m quite sure gays contribute significantly to Tar-gay’s bottom line. And these people don’t learn unless you hit’em where it hurts…the pocket book. I thought it was a given. They’ve been refered to by so many twisted gay names…lets see…Tar-gay or the french twist Tar-zhay, gay man’s walmart, the list goes on and on.

I’d hate to have to change my nickname to Tar-hate, or Tar-gone.

Purdy

Muscle Moby
Here is moi after a nice hard workout today at the gym. This is the cheesy shot from the webcam.

Now here is the one from the digital camera. Whadda ya think? Which is better?
Muscle Moby

After a hard chest/tricep workout and a steamy session in the sauna, my endorphins were flowing and I felt much better. “Steam” can be very relaxing. hehehe

So still feeling a bit down, decided to to go for a manicure and a pedicure. I’ve never had a pedicure. They were offering a two for one sort of deal so I said “what the hell”. I haven’t been “purdy” in months. Ok, thats not true but I normally don’t do the whole manicure thing. On what I make it’s a bit extravagant and not something I could really justify doing every couple of weeks. However, there is a new salon in the Castro (80% of their biz is gay boys, go figure.) that runs specials during the week. I could get my hands done for only $15.00 or the combo for $28.00 which is their normal price for a nail job. Prices well within my range.

I have to admit, I liked it. Hehehe. Does this mean I have to turn in my butch card now? There was a chic gettingg her feet done too. They must have been horrible as I heard the lady doing her gasp. I almost burst out laughing. Luan, the girl working on me, gave me a sideways smile as she looked over to her co-worker.

So now, I’m all done up and no one to blow..oh er…I mean nowhere to go.

News You Can Use

WOW! Who knew my news commentary would spark a rush of email. I got home to a slew of emails querying why the sudden interest in current events. (and I never understand how some people just don’t like posting to blogs) Gosh folks, I didn’t really mean to sound so self-absorbed. I swear (in my best Paris Hilton voice) I’m not! lol Seriously though, I usually avoid blogging about most mainstream topics as so many bloggers do a way better job of beating the news to death.

My friend Tim always says I downplay my intelligence to avoid sounding arrogant. Well thats probably true but not really the reason behind not being a topical blogger. Truth be told, I consume a variety of news sites on a daily basis. I have a variety of interests and tend to go where my curiosity gets sated the most. I lean more toward science, technology, and advancements in medicine. I try really hard to stay informed of the changes in the world around me. However, the blog is and has always been for me to journal and rant about things in my own life. I’ll probably continue to throw in news that interests me but you won’t see my blog turn into a media outlet. (Lately, I don’t even have enough time to get laid much less be a news hound)

As you can tell from the news I did include, not exactly front page material! Well, I’m home from work. Not a bad day. I spent half on the fire side and the rest on pd side. We had a 217 (shooting) right before I left. Thankfully, it was time for me to go. And w/that in mind, it is time to catch on the Tivo shows!

Night all.

News Flash

In an attempt to be more of a “topical blogger”, I’m adding some random news stories that struck my interest. They may or may not be top stories (usually on the “may not” side).

In local news, our very own MUNI is apparently planning to offer free wifi to the masses. However, the mayor expects a lawsuit from SBC and Comcast. Wouldn’t surprise me if they did. Selfish stingy bastards that they are. People are always going to want to pay for dependable service. So the big fear of municipalities taking away revenue is nothing more than a shameless attempt at a monopoly. Let’s hope Muni wins.

In not so local news, The Wyoming State Board of Pharmacy has rejected a proposed rule that would have allowed pharmacists to not fill prescriptions based on their personal beliefs. Had the motion passed, it would have allowed a pharmacist to refuse to fill or refill any prescription based on personal beliefs. So in other words, “…I don’t like you because you are gay or lesbian. I decide I’m not going to fill your life saving prescription.” This was a no brainer folks. I can’t believe some yahoo had the balls to submit it for consideration.

Dipshit Alert! Dipshit Alert! Courtesy of Good As You, Mr. Dipshit (aka I’m a former gay) has his nickers in a knot over all those damn gays on the tele.

America better wake up; that’s all I say. I don’t mean to sound harsh or angry, but it’s gotten to the point right now where homosexuality is just so accepted now, it’s being promoted on every television show.

DUH!

For you pez fanatics out there, Pez has come out w/their new Pez MP3 player. How cool is that! It is MAC compatible but doesn’t mention itunes. Thought to ponder. It plays mp3’s wma/wmv files which is nice as you can play your existing collection as well as any “downloaded” music files as well. And the price is right at a low $99.00
Wahooo!

Scientists have discovered that black holes aren’t quite the super over-eaters as previoulsy expected. The discovery shows that stars can actually form near blackholes. Who knew?!

Boyfriend Material

**This is sort of an adult rant today**

A friend ask me today “so when are you going to start dating again?” I never know how to answer such a question. I don’t really look or not look for a boyfriend. I’m of the belief that if you are looking then you are putting to much emphasis on the act and it becomes fatally flawed. I like to look at it as “being available” should a potential boyfriend strike my fancy. Simply put, I’m open to dating I just don’t put an emphasis on it and I don’t feel the need to date just to be in a relationship. On the same token, I also don’t feel the need to cloak my playtime as dating. If I’m out for some nookie well that’s what is nookie. Why lie?

I always find it funny when one of my friends says,

oh I met this great guy and we really clicked but I met him in a __________, I could never have a relationship w/him.

You can fill in the blank. Another notion I don’t understand. If you’re meeting someone in a place you both chose to go, then obviously you have it in common. Does that somehow preclude you from being anything but fuck buddies? You can’t use morality here w/o sounding like a hypocrite. And I think that’s what it really boils down too. It’s ok if I do it but it’s not ok if he does it. Flawed reasoning at it’s best in my opinion.

Well, gee Moby, that’s something to think about, let’s ponder it. But wait! There’s MORE! What I really don’t understand is guys who go to sexclubs or online hookup sites looking specifically for a boyfriend and then they get upset when people contact them for sex. Ex-squeeze me?

As I’ve said before, I try to be the type of person I’d want to date. Does that work for everyone? Of course not. Does it work for me? Most definitely.

Castro

This weekend is Castro St Fair. I normally like to go but am stuck at work. (Remember, no more weekends off for me for awhile.) It’s a nice sunny day today w/temps in the 70’s. Perfect day if you ask me. Warm w/o being hot.

I’m feeling a bit better today. It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep will do for ya.