Category: gay

Epiphany II

*Another long winded internalized view ahead and probably the 2nd most significant post you’ll ever read here. Oh yeah, it’s THAT good.*

I am such a fraking odd bird. I get insight into myself from the oddest things. The other day, I’m watching a commercial on Logo1 for car sales of all things. Being obviously written w/gays in mind the female speaker was making a statement. What she said was so profound [to me] I dropped the remote and just sat down on the sofa in amazement. She was making a short blurb about coming out, etc and then finished with,

. . . fear is what makes us weak but a sense of self and a sense of belonging gives us our strength.

You could have knocked me over with a feather! This paid actress for a stupid car commercial had just summed up the entire struggle of my existence in a few short words!

The fear I’ve known about and have been dealing with for some time now. As illustrated in my previous rather raw post. I’m proud to say the fear is losing though. Yet with all that’s come before in my journey to be a better person, I still overlooked something. I’ve never had a sense of belonging! Hell, I didn’t even know I needed it. Even as a kid it was missing. After my foster mom died, I never really felt like a part of my own family. After leaving home at 14, it was remarkably easy to break my family ties and move on2. Even my being gay didn’t help me to see it. I think I’ve mentioned before how I don’t really ‘fit’ into any particular ‘scene’. I always seem to be on the outskirts of all of them. What I did learn was to support myself. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and even pat myself on the back if need be. I always chalked it up to my own natural resilience.

To my credit, I did finally manage to realize my lack of self. Anyone crazy enough to still be reading me after all this time knows it’s been a hell of a struggle these last 5 years. And I am proud to say I am succeeding on that front too. But, I’ve spent so much effort trying to develop that sense of self, I never even considered I needed a sense of belonging.

I don’t know how I’ve missed this about myself for so long. And my poor id. It has been working overtime trying to show it to me. The unexplained bouts of sadness, the oddly reoccuring need to date, it all makes complete sense now. My life overall is pretty good at the moment. Oh sure, I could be richer, have more muscle or whatever but I’m talking about the important stuff. I’ve been extremely frustrated not being able to explain why I still get down at times.

Well, I get it now. I owe it all to a stupid car commercial on the gayest network on television.

1 Logo is a gay cable channel. I think it is owned by the parent company of CBS but I could be wrong.

2 A broken jaw and two broken ribs will do that to ya.

Gay or Straight

With all the news surrounding Haggard in the news right now, a striking revelation hit me. Why is it when bible-thumpers are preaching and bringing their damnation down upon us, we are predators. Yet, someone like Haggard comes out and it’s back to an affliction.

You constantly hear how we are trying to recruit or convert more people to our side1. If it were that easy to convert to being gay don’t you think you’d see a much higher success rate in the reverse? Brainwashing groups liked Exodus2 “claim” they can “cure you” of being gay3. Well, one of my best friends almost killed himself while in their program. Their “cure” is to teach you to hate the world and to hate yourself. Everything has a sinister purpose. You are taught to withdraw and cut yourself off from the world. How in the hell is that healthy? It’s no wonder so many drop out. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. So, it’s a choice. Yet, when someone as respected and widely known as Haggard comes out with “I have been warring against it for all of my adult life“, suddenly it’s not a choice anymore. Suddenly, it’s an affliction again. IMHO, It’s just more double-speak. Double-speak that seems to be taught like a 2nd lanuage when you are religious leader. I hate to admit it but I’m losing more and more respect for the “christian” community. I’ve always been one to “live and let live” however, there is a line approaching in the sand. A line that says “no more”. You can no longer use ignorance and fear to oppress people. And you can no longer hide behind your “religion” as an excuse to relegate whole sections of the population to 2nd class status. You can no longer use “religion” to keep women as slaves. You can no longer use “religion” as a shield to give you cart blance say over those around you.

There is a shift occurring in this country right now. More and more people are shifting away from mainstream religion. And it’s their own fault. Religion is dying not because of gays. It’s dying because its leaders have failed to evolve and keep up. Human beings don’t even relate to each other in the same ways anymore. You can’t use the threat of fire and brimstone to control the masses anymore. You can’t hide behind constant denial of the self. Mark my words. A day is coming and it’s coming soon. We are facing a holy war in this country. But not between the God and the devil. We are facing a war between ourselves. The “right” that allows us to spread hate and the “right” that refuse to put up with such behavior.

1 Forgetting for a moment, most gay children come from straight households.

2 I refuse to even link to such stupidity.

3 What they neglect to tell you is there obismal success rate.

Halloween From Hell

If you haven’t heard by now, there was several shootings at the Halloween event in the Castro last night. Today, the story is making nice soundbites across the blogosphere. If you read this blog on a regular basis you know where my insight comes from.

“Halloween in the Castro” used to be a really fantastic slice of San Francisco attended primarily by the neighborhood’s local gay/lesbian community. Over recent years the event has become a spectator event with 80% of current attendees from out of town. Since 2002, much violence has resulted, ruining this once-special event.

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While I am a huge fan of Halloween, I hope they cancel the event next year. I hope they increase the police presence and flat out turn people away. Call me a party-pooper but at least folks won’t get hurt for just trying to have some good old fashioned fun. The event is no longer about the neighborhood getting together for a night of innocent revelling. Instead, it’s a bunch of condescending outsiders looking for an excuse to cause mayhem. Well, here’s your sign. We don’t want you. If you can’t behave like a civilized human being, stay your ass at home and cause grief in your own neighborhoods.

Two wrongs don’t make a right but I can’t help it. My grandmother was a big believer in an “eye for an eye”. I don’t condone violence however, it’s times like these that make me doubt that conviction. Sometimes a good ass-whoopin’ is the only way to get thru to a pig-headed fool.

Hot Topics

Since google’s blogs all seem to be offline at the moment, I can’t check however, I’m pretty sure Joe.my.god knows he was featured in Advocates “Best Of” guide this month. I discovered him completely by accident while getting the hooves filed down today.

There he was big as life. Congrats big fella.

Rajun Cajun

Quite unexpectedly, I ran into an adorable cajun boy at the gym today. Not only sexy but turns out he is quite the sweetheart too. After our very enjoyable carnal encounter, I invited him to lunch and we had a great time hanging out. Don’t get me wrong, it was nothing more than good company. But, I forget sometimes how good ‘good company‘ feels. He was a most welcome distraction.

He is new to the city from brettcajun‘s neck of the woods, New Orleans. Aspiring actor, bartendar, and soon to be heart-breaker as well I bet. SF can be a hard city to live in if you can’t pay the bills. I hope he gains the foothold he needs to get established. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I think we might hang out again once I’m back from vacation.

Speaking of chores, I have to head off and finish my laundry. I’m sure you know now much I love that.

Nothing to See Here… (II)

I attended the 2nd official Choxita de Badlands Brunch today.

I arrived to find kel playing Martha Stewart in the kitchen. Of course, kel gurl has a much fitter waist line than Martha. He is also lacking a prison record but who am I to nit-pick.

Oh yes, there are many more to come. For some reason, I was the only one w/a camera today.1 Continue reading Nothing to See Here… (II)

Those People

A very unfriendly lady told me today that “those people” don’t belong here, referring to a homeless couple who had setup camp on her block in a rather affluent part of town. Granted the homeless situation here is a major problem. Being a progressive city, SF has a large population of homeless folks. To me that sounds more like a contradiction than a definition. Yet, you find the same problem in every large city. It is not a crime to be homeless. And it should not preclude you from the human rights granted to any other human being. An important distinction often forgotten.

When you deal w/the homeless as much as I do in my line of work, it is easy to forget these are human beings. You see people who, for a variety of reasons, have been discarded by society. And it’s not a pretty sight seeing a human devolved to such a lowly form of existence. Living in squalor, stink, and filth, manners and cleanliness become unafforded niceties that are soon forgotten. In this scenario it is easy to forget. Yet, we musn’t. If we, as a society, allow people to live this way then we must also bear the burden of supporting them. We no longer live in age of wilderness where ever man is his own world and anything outside that world is unimportant. We live in an age where our planet is fast becoming overpopulated and the driving force behind our existence is money and/or the accumulation of wealth. Well friends, that existence isn’t free. You only need to look in your slums and ghettos to realize it.

I can’t help but notice the similarities in how the homeless are viewed here and how gays are viewed elsewhere. Homeless folks here are often mistreated, overgeneralized, stereotyped, looked down upon, and regarded as a stain on society. Sound familiar?

I’m always bitching to folks about the distinction between things. The same could be said of same sex marriage. There is a clear line between the civil and religious benefits of a marriage contract in this country. However, over time the line has become blurred because there was no reason to make a distinction. Now there is. We need to refocus our efforts on reminding law-makers of the separation of church and state clause in the constitution. The State needs to recognize we deseve equal treatment under the law. However, we [gays] need to remember a religious institution does not have to agree or support our right to marry. Nor do they have to allow us to “marry” on their property. Another distinction often lost in the flurry of self-rigtheousness indignation.

Very important dinstinctions like these are increasingly forgotten in our society today. We should be mor than a little frightened of that.

Winding Down

Gay High Holy day has come and gone and the city is slowly winding down returning to it’s normal self. There are lots of “boys” still hanging out. The difference today is no more leather. They’ve put all their drag away and switched back into regular garb. The scruff and 5 O’clock shadow promptly shaved away and replaced w/some much needed moisturizer. Yes, gone are the wanna-be daddies. In it’s place, packs of boys1 roaming the streets w/shopping bags and designer sunglasses in tow. I can’t hep but see the irony in it all. We go out of our way to dispel the negative stereotypes of the past while creating new ones for the future. The point here kiddies is you don’t have to dress up to have a good time. Go as yourself for a change. I just can’t help but laugh at how we shun drag queens but we uplift leather drag. Don’t kid yourself, it is drag just in a different fashion. (pun intended)

For all it’s glamour, Folsom has become a victim of it’s own growth. The event was started by the leather community as a way to give back to the community whilst celebrating diversity and sexual freedom. In the early years, it was truly an event not to be missed. And like many overlooked distinctions in our culture, Folsom has become just another catch phrase for corporate sponsorship and excuse to party to excess2. I can’t tell you the number of gasps I got when folks learned I had a free ticket to both Magnitude and Real Bad3, neither of which I went to. God forbid I miss out on the ‘it parties‘, whatever that means.

For my part, I had a good time at Folsom. But I have a good time at almost anything I set my mind too. I think next year I’ll work the event as an EMT or skip it all together. Too much focus is placed on the look and parties vs the meaning behind it these days. The newness has long worn off for me and I already live most of the things Folsom is supposed to represent.

A nod here to We, Like Sheep4.


1 ‘boy’ is my term for the trendy tight t-shirt and shorts combo that is almost the standard gay apparel these days.

2 Please don’t confuse my rant as an open dislike for the fair. It offers so much to so many. Anytime someone has a chance to express themselves, whatever the reasons, I support that. My life is already an open expression so I guess the purpose of Folsom is lost on me.

3 Working for a charity involved in the community does have it’s rewards.

4 I totally stole his method of using footnotes as expressions. I just thought it fair to give him credit.