Category: gay

What’s Next?

A resounding thank you, thank you for the belated birthday wishes. Alas, I didn’t take any pics while down in lala land. I’m horrible w/remembering to take the damn camera. You’ll just have to take my word for it, a good time was had by all.

I did get a few admonishments for not announcing my birthday up front. Well, pay attention. How much plainer could I have made it? *g* Joking aside, I normally don’t make a big deal over my birthdays. So what if I’m a year older. I survived the childhood from hell. Nothing since has ever been that difficult. My life continually gets better1 so I’m not complaining. Sure the vain part of me is beginning to notice I’m not young anymore; I have a few wrinkles here and there. My hair is ever getting shorter.2 And the boys aren’t as quick to look my way. But hey, that is the nature of life so why should I resent it?

I’m still in the best shape of my life. Oh, I whine about my muscle loss but that is minor compared to when I was uber skinny. I also have a job that pays the bills and allows me some room for playtime. My career of choice is on track albeit a bit slow. My health is good for my age. What’s to complain about? Oh sure, I could have been hung rich, pretty, or all of the above. Hell, I could have been a lot of things. And if a frog had longer legs he wouldn’t bump his ass either. My point here is I learned, somewhat painfully, to worry about what-is vs. what-might-have-been. I try to make the best with what I got. And frankly, I think I’m doing a pretty damn good job of it.

In simpler terms, I treat this body like a rental! I won’t be going to my grave some pristine corpse. Oh no, I plan on skidding into the grave a 60 mph a tore-up-from-the-floor-up, used and abused husk! I may not get my deposit back but that’s ok too. I’ll be able to say “what a ride!”

1 *Crossed fingers* it stays that way.
2 As I get older, I realize it is not falling out, it is falling thru!

Hipo What?

An anonymous reader called me a hypocrite today. Now before all my “homies” start yelling “oh no he didn’t!“, hold on a sec. If I consider myself anything, it is that I am fair-minded. Mr. Anon had a problem with my rant on stanky steam rooms (see below) and my comment on Joe My God’s blog about Gold’s gym getting busted by the Dept. of Health.

So, I thought about it to see if I really was being a hypocrite. I’m not seeing it. And, if you actually read my response1 you’d see I didn’t speak out against the issue. I did rant about Gold’s lack of consistency and my own observations. A clear distinction and not the least bit hypocritical. I think the real issue is Mr. Anon has a problem w/my behavior in general. I have no intention of trying to convince you I’m right. Nor will I make any apologies2, I am a grown man and take responsibility for my actions. If you know me, you know I often describe myself as an “opportunist.” Meaning? Why I never pass up a good time if it presents itself of course. Yes, that sometimes might include the steam room. The error in your judgment is that my self-indulgence is at the expense of other people’s comfort.

Lastly, you didn’t have to be anonymous. I encourage disagreeable comments as long as they are respectful. While a bit accusatory, you were respectful. I will add here it diminishes a belief in your convictions when you remain so “anonymous”.

1 I hate haloscan for this reason. It is too hard to link directly to my comment. Instead click the link, bring up the comments and then do a search for “moby”.
2 Since your email address was fake, I felt the need to redress your comments here.

Say “Cheese”

I often repeat myself so if this is such a case, my apologies in advance. My rant today is in reference to a message I got from an anonymous person on gaydar.co.uk. I say anonymous because his profile was devoid of pictures and had the barest of details filled out. Forgetting for a moment my profile states if you contact me, please have pics of yourself or don’t expect a response.

Said person, sends me a message. “Hey, you’re Hot” or something to that affect. Being overly tired of people not actually reading the profile before responding, I hit the generic “no thanks” button. His reply, “Go fuck yourself you stupid rude cunt.“. Hmmmm . . . I’m rude? I think someone is suffering from a delusion I give a shit. I kindly hit the block button and that was the end of that.

I bring it up because, in the age of the internet, people have the illusion that 1) you can log on and remain completely anonymous and 2) by being anonymous, absolve yourself of any responsibility for your behavior. Frankly, I do not concur.

Sites like gaydar.co.uk, manhunt, tribe, myspace, etc serve a purpose. Whether sexual or not, they exist to promote human interaction. It kind of defeats that purpose when you are acting John Doe. And no, it does not make you more alluring. If anything, it has just the opposite affect unless you are desperate. In an age of technology, one is left to ponder why (oh why) does some one need to be so invisible? In the gay world, it usually stems from one (or more) sources.

1) You are a narcissist but afraid to admit it.
2) You are too lazy to get off your ass and make an effort. Whether it be thru a filled out profile or having pictures of yourself.
3) You are ashamed of yourself be it behavior or appearance.
4) You are being deceitful w/someone else (Usually a lover or partner)

Regardless of the reason, I could care less. I have no time for such dramatics. Being from the South and an Aquarian, I am an incredibly social person. That said, I do not care for faceless interaction. Take my blog for example. Every person on my favorites list, I’ve either met in person or had enough interaction with to feel a connection to, be it bouncing between blogs, emails, chats, gaming, phone calls, etc. I also have a rather clear idea what they look like. I could see them on the street and recognize them.

The other part of my little tirade today is this. If you log onto a sex site looking for nookie and someone ignores you, don’t freak out. You shouldn’t be gleaning your self-respect from your sexual conquests first of all (so been there done that, still have the tshirt). All it means, is said person does not wish to have sex w/you. There is nothing that says they have too. And if you id is that fragile, you shouldn’t be online in the first place. If you take the time to send me a message beyond “sup” or “what are you into?“, I usually take the time to reply back. However, if I’m busy, distracted, or annoyed, I may just hit the delete button. It doesn’t mean I hate you, I’m just not interested in swapping bodily fluids with you. Rejection is part of life. You will never be everything to everyone. And expecting to is a recipe for misery.

So to recap my little BF today. If you choose to be “discreet” or “anonymous” on the net that is certainly your choice. It is my choice not to interact w/you. If you refuse to relent then don’t be bitter at others who also refuse to relent. And if you are bitter and lash out it only makes you look a) desperate or b) like an ass.

Epiphany II

*Another long winded internalized view ahead and probably the 2nd most significant post you’ll ever read here. Oh yeah, it’s THAT good.*

I am such a fraking odd bird. I get insight into myself from the oddest things. The other day, I’m watching a commercial on Logo1 for car sales of all things. Being obviously written w/gays in mind the female speaker was making a statement. What she said was so profound [to me] I dropped the remote and just sat down on the sofa in amazement. She was making a short blurb about coming out, etc and then finished with,

. . . fear is what makes us weak but a sense of self and a sense of belonging gives us our strength.

You could have knocked me over with a feather! This paid actress for a stupid car commercial had just summed up the entire struggle of my existence in a few short words!

The fear I’ve known about and have been dealing with for some time now. As illustrated in my previous rather raw post. I’m proud to say the fear is losing though. Yet with all that’s come before in my journey to be a better person, I still overlooked something. I’ve never had a sense of belonging! Hell, I didn’t even know I needed it. Even as a kid it was missing. After my foster mom died, I never really felt like a part of my own family. After leaving home at 14, it was remarkably easy to break my family ties and move on2. Even my being gay didn’t help me to see it. I think I’ve mentioned before how I don’t really ‘fit’ into any particular ‘scene’. I always seem to be on the outskirts of all of them. What I did learn was to support myself. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and even pat myself on the back if need be. I always chalked it up to my own natural resilience.

To my credit, I did finally manage to realize my lack of self. Anyone crazy enough to still be reading me after all this time knows it’s been a hell of a struggle these last 5 years. And I am proud to say I am succeeding on that front too. But, I’ve spent so much effort trying to develop that sense of self, I never even considered I needed a sense of belonging.

I don’t know how I’ve missed this about myself for so long. And my poor id. It has been working overtime trying to show it to me. The unexplained bouts of sadness, the oddly reoccuring need to date, it all makes complete sense now. My life overall is pretty good at the moment. Oh sure, I could be richer, have more muscle or whatever but I’m talking about the important stuff. I’ve been extremely frustrated not being able to explain why I still get down at times.

Well, I get it now. I owe it all to a stupid car commercial on the gayest network on television.

1 Logo is a gay cable channel. I think it is owned by the parent company of CBS but I could be wrong.

2 A broken jaw and two broken ribs will do that to ya.

Gay or Straight

With all the news surrounding Haggard in the news right now, a striking revelation hit me. Why is it when bible-thumpers are preaching and bringing their damnation down upon us, we are predators. Yet, someone like Haggard comes out and it’s back to an affliction.

You constantly hear how we are trying to recruit or convert more people to our side1. If it were that easy to convert to being gay don’t you think you’d see a much higher success rate in the reverse? Brainwashing groups liked Exodus2 “claim” they can “cure you” of being gay3. Well, one of my best friends almost killed himself while in their program. Their “cure” is to teach you to hate the world and to hate yourself. Everything has a sinister purpose. You are taught to withdraw and cut yourself off from the world. How in the hell is that healthy? It’s no wonder so many drop out. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. So, it’s a choice. Yet, when someone as respected and widely known as Haggard comes out with “I have been warring against it for all of my adult life“, suddenly it’s not a choice anymore. Suddenly, it’s an affliction again. IMHO, It’s just more double-speak. Double-speak that seems to be taught like a 2nd lanuage when you are religious leader. I hate to admit it but I’m losing more and more respect for the “christian” community. I’ve always been one to “live and let live” however, there is a line approaching in the sand. A line that says “no more”. You can no longer use ignorance and fear to oppress people. And you can no longer hide behind your “religion” as an excuse to relegate whole sections of the population to 2nd class status. You can no longer use “religion” to keep women as slaves. You can no longer use “religion” as a shield to give you cart blance say over those around you.

There is a shift occurring in this country right now. More and more people are shifting away from mainstream religion. And it’s their own fault. Religion is dying not because of gays. It’s dying because its leaders have failed to evolve and keep up. Human beings don’t even relate to each other in the same ways anymore. You can’t use the threat of fire and brimstone to control the masses anymore. You can’t hide behind constant denial of the self. Mark my words. A day is coming and it’s coming soon. We are facing a holy war in this country. But not between the God and the devil. We are facing a war between ourselves. The “right” that allows us to spread hate and the “right” that refuse to put up with such behavior.

1 Forgetting for a moment, most gay children come from straight households.

2 I refuse to even link to such stupidity.

3 What they neglect to tell you is there obismal success rate.

Halloween From Hell

If you haven’t heard by now, there was several shootings at the Halloween event in the Castro last night. Today, the story is making nice soundbites across the blogosphere. If you read this blog on a regular basis you know where my insight comes from.

“Halloween in the Castro” used to be a really fantastic slice of San Francisco attended primarily by the neighborhood’s local gay/lesbian community. Over recent years the event has become a spectator event with 80% of current attendees from out of town. Since 2002, much violence has resulted, ruining this once-special event.

read more | digg story

While I am a huge fan of Halloween, I hope they cancel the event next year. I hope they increase the police presence and flat out turn people away. Call me a party-pooper but at least folks won’t get hurt for just trying to have some good old fashioned fun. The event is no longer about the neighborhood getting together for a night of innocent revelling. Instead, it’s a bunch of condescending outsiders looking for an excuse to cause mayhem. Well, here’s your sign. We don’t want you. If you can’t behave like a civilized human being, stay your ass at home and cause grief in your own neighborhoods.

Two wrongs don’t make a right but I can’t help it. My grandmother was a big believer in an “eye for an eye”. I don’t condone violence however, it’s times like these that make me doubt that conviction. Sometimes a good ass-whoopin’ is the only way to get thru to a pig-headed fool.

Hot Topics

Since google’s blogs all seem to be offline at the moment, I can’t check however, I’m pretty sure Joe.my.god knows he was featured in Advocates “Best Of” guide this month. I discovered him completely by accident while getting the hooves filed down today.

There he was big as life. Congrats big fella.

Rajun Cajun

Quite unexpectedly, I ran into an adorable cajun boy at the gym today. Not only sexy but turns out he is quite the sweetheart too. After our very enjoyable carnal encounter, I invited him to lunch and we had a great time hanging out. Don’t get me wrong, it was nothing more than good company. But, I forget sometimes how good ‘good company‘ feels. He was a most welcome distraction.

He is new to the city from brettcajun‘s neck of the woods, New Orleans. Aspiring actor, bartendar, and soon to be heart-breaker as well I bet. SF can be a hard city to live in if you can’t pay the bills. I hope he gains the foothold he needs to get established. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I think we might hang out again once I’m back from vacation.

Speaking of chores, I have to head off and finish my laundry. I’m sure you know now much I love that.