Category: gay

Think

Someone emailed me awhile back asking what I thought my foster mom would have thought of me being gay.

The truth is I don’t know. My foster mom died when I was young and I hadn’t reached a point where I could articulate what was different about myself. I’d hope that she would have been more accepting than my dad was. Granted, my step-mother had a huge part in his eventual explosion over it but still. I’d hope that she would have accepted me even if she didn’t understand.

I’d like to think that, like me, she figured out pretty quickly I was different. Maybe not on a conscious level but mothers are often more attune to such things. Even as I child, I knew something was up, just not what. Spending a lot of time with me, I’d assume she had a clue. Having never known my mom in an adult capacity, I have no idea what her feelings on the matter were. I can’t for the life of me ever remember her using the F word. That could just be I was too young and the memory didn’t stick or it could be that she just didn’t use it. I only remember her thru a child’s eyes and that is a very different view. I don’t remember her ever really disparaging anyone, which gives me hope she would have been more understanding. While I was her only adopted child, she never treated me differently. And if she did know, it never showed.

So dear reader, I don’t know the answer to your question but I am optimistic about it.

Dance

Having Trevan and Mikey here over Pride week really made me realize how much I miss going dancing. You may not know this but yours truly loves to shake his bon bon. lol

Back in my early 20’s, it was not unusual for me to be out every weekend, sometimes several times. Not being a heavy drinker, it was easy as I usually just had to pay cover and water.

After I moved to SF, I’m not sure why but I drifted away from the club scene all together. The blatant drug use was a huge irritation but not the only reason. I don’t know why really. These days if I go out, it’s over to 440 or Moby’s (no relation lol) for a drink with a friend & socializing. I only seem to go dancing on big weekends or for big events.

While Trev & Mikey were here we went dancing and I had so much fun just being on the dance floor dancing. While the clubs here don’t really compare to the behemoths of Texas, they do have a few decent dance bars in SF. I’ve really missed it and think I will make an effort to go out once and awhile and shake my booty on the dance floor.

Speaking of, GHHD #2 [1]Gay High Holy Day #2 aka Up Your Alley Fair is coming up. My buddy William does lighting at some of the clubs. He is gonna try to get me free tix so I don’t have to spend ridiculous amounts of money just to get in. I don’t mind spending money but I is a poe-hoe right now.

🙂

References

References
↑1 Gay High Holy Day #2 aka Up Your Alley Fair

Dear Kid v2.0

I swear I didn’t plan my last post and this one together. lol I do find it extremely ironic though. Anyway…

I stumbled over this post by chance via a friend on Google+ a few days ago. I highly encourage you to go read it and come back. Seriously, go read it. You can scroll down to about the 60 comment mark and then again around 150 comments for my rather long replies. [1]PS I’d ask that if you do comment over there, please refrain from being ugly or rude. You can also see how my comment is quickly dismissed as I’m hating on him.

I wasn’t bothered that his “letter” shined a light on our shortcomings and failures. He touches on some very real problems within the gay community. What bothered me was the glaring over-generalizations and implications behind his speech. He marginalized all of us because of his own failures. In essence, because he couldn’t cope with being gay, he decided being gay can’t be healthy. Because his coming out wasn’t everything he expected, he fell into bad habits, and his sex wasn’t as exciting as porn he equates being gay as a failure. [2]Yes, he actually compared his sex life to porn. He goes on to insult all of the couples out there who have been together for decades by implying they don’t exist. Normally, I would just ignore it and move on but his attempts to use half-truths and misrepresentations to prey on folks who might stumble upon his site got to me.

I make no secret about my struggle with compulsive behavior over the years. Nor do I hold myself out to be some holier-than-thou who is above all the petty failings that plague our community. But the difference between the author and myself is I chose to embrace what I am, the good and the bad. I work to strengthen the good while continuing to work on the bad. I accept the community I live in is not perfect. I recognize that while we are all responsible for our choices many of us have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms. I no longer search for role models to emulate. Instead, I try to be the type of man I’d like to date. I do not give myself over to his God to solve my problems. I choose to change and better myself.

At the end of the letter you get the sense the author has exchanged one coping mechanism for another. His attempt to make life all better by coming out failed so he has absolved himself of any responsibility by putting it in god’s hands. And now because it’s magically a god issue he can avoid accepting responsibility. Convenient wouldn’t you say? As I said in my comment, I feel sorry for him. I hope that he finds peace within himself.

I also decided to write my own version of his letter.

Dear Gay Kid v2.0:

Congratulations for finally being able to admit to yourself and others that you are gay. I applaud your tremendous courage and welcome you with open arms. You are not alone. You join a community as broad and diverse as humanity itself. We come from all walks of life: male, female, black, white, asian, christian, muslim, agnostic, etc. Know that you are worthy of love and respect. Your inalienable right to be is not up for debate and never ever let anyone tell your differently.

Unfortunately, we do not yet live in a world of total acceptance. You may find life harder and more challenging for your honesty. Coming out is not a fix-all for your life or problems. It is but one step of many you will take. Along the way you will encounter those who deny and fear you. You may even encounter some who wish to do you harm out of their own ignorance. You see, they do not understand, and anything not understood is often feared. Some will hate you because they recognize a tiny part of you in themselves. In that recognition you will represent a target for their pain.

Others will be blinded by religious dogma. They are locked in a pattern of denial based on a lifetime of rhetoric. To admit you were born gay would be to admit their religion, written by man, is flawed. And that is something they cannot fathom. Even worse, some will attempt to use lies, half-truths, misrepresentations, and your own doubts against you. If you are a person of faith, it can be a source of great support, but do not be misled. Seek truth and answers on your own. The answers will speak for themselves.

In times of doubt you’ll wonder, ‘Why me? Why can’t I be like every one else?’ What I can tell you is it will always come back to a fundamental choice. You can deny who you are and spend your life reinforcing that denial, or you can accept it. It is here I am reminded of the words of Benjamin Franklin, “On the whole, though I never arrived at the perfection I had been so ambitious of obtaining, but fell far short of it, yet as I was, by the endeavor, a better and a happier man than I otherwise should have been had I not attempted it.” In simpler terms, even though perfection is a goal we will never reach, we are better for our attempts to reach it.

Because we are born different, part of our struggle must be to rise above the fears and ignorance of those who do not understand us. We must strive not to fall prey to the mistakes of those who came before us. By living openly & honestly we show the world how small our differences really are. And finally, through our struggles we make the world better not only for ourselves but those who come after us.

I wish you the very best!

Moby

References

References
↑1 PS I’d ask that if you do comment over there, please refrain from being ugly or rude.
↑2 Yes, he actually compared his sex life to porn.

Backwards

Every time I hear someone refer to how advanced we are as a species, I point them to one of the many random headlines regarding discrimination against women, minorities, and gays. If that’s not enough then look to the senseless wars and deaths on a global scale We put profit above human lives. We put things above people’s well-being. We are not evolved. If anything we are moving to an unavoidable meltdown. The divide between the haves and have nots is growing exponentially. Eventually, all hell is going to break loose. You would think looking back on our long bloody history of fear, hate, and discrimination we would wise up and realize the truth; being different does not equate to being bad.

The idea that in this day and age we are still fighting over something as simple as who I should love and share my life with is preposterous! And all of it stems from ignorance and an unwillingness to accept anyone who is different. Ignorance is now celebrated in many parts of the world. People no longer care about the truth, especially if it gets in the way of their selfish pursuits. It is sickening. Instead of rising above our baser emotions, we are succumbing to them.

Our so called religious leaders no longer hold themselves to a standard of faith. Almost ever day now you read about priests/pastors/preachers, etc 1) ripping people off, 2) stealing, or 3) molesting kids and then covering it up. These are our spiritual leaders? Are you fucking kidding me? Even worse, fanatics that used to be ignored are now paraded on national TV because it gets sensationalist style ratings. Let me sum up all religions on this planet for you. You ready?

1) Follow the spirit, not the flesh
2) My way is the only way
3) Everyone who doesn’t believe as I believe is lost or evil.
Oh and I almost forgot…
4) Give me all your wealth.

That’s it. The first point is pretty much the only one worth saving. The others should be done away with if we hope to survive. How many millions of people have died in the last 12 centuries based on #2 and #3? How many people are dying right now?

Greed and the pursuit of things has consumed us as a society and is driving us to a breaking point. We are not evolving. If anything we are devolving and if we don’t do something soon, I fear for us as a species.

One

Unless you’re living under a rock you know that yet another horrible discriminatory amendment passed in North Caroline recently. The fundies managed to rush thru a smear campaign of lies and scare tactics. They’ve discovered the latter the only way they can effectively get people to vote to enshrine discrimination into their state constitutions. It was a sad day for the LGBT folks in NC. Ironically, the last time NC amended it’s constitution was to ban interracial marriage.

We all know where this is headed. The fundies know they can’t get a federal amendment passed so they are working in as many states as they can to keep us 2nd class citizens as long as possible. They also are all-in on trying to get Obama ousted next term. They are so desperate right now they would vote for anyone that gives them lip service. Overall support for us is growing more and more every year and they are quaking in their boots over that. Eventually, a federal law will pass nullifying all these hateful anti-gay measures. It will be years before we see it happen but I am confident it will.

However, it is important now more than ever that we continue to vote and make our voices heard. I’ve been somewhat disappointed in President Obama; however, he finally made me proud by making a symbolic statement for equality. I believe this was his strategy all along. If anything, I’m surprised he came out in full support of gay marriage before the upcoming election. And while I am extremely proud of him, I hope that it doesn’t hurt his chances at reelection. Another glaring reason why you need to vote. If you aren’t registered, please do so. It is times like these that we must make our voices heard. We must continue to hold those who are elected to represent us to represent ALL of us. Those who hate us are motivated and organized and if we don’t step up, we have no one but ourselves to blame.

Anyway, I’m dismayed yet another state fell for propaganda, racism, lies, and fear-mongered even though I’m not surprised. I send my love and best wishes to all those there who will have yet an even harder fight toward equality now.

Crotchety

I got a very interesting email reply regarding some of my more recent posts. The person wasn’t ugly or rude but asked if I thought I was getting less flexible in my tolerance of others as I get older. This gave me pause to ponder as I’ve wondered the very same thing at times.

My answer is yes and no. I looked back over the last year of off/on posts and I don’t think I’m getting crotchety…yet! lol I haven’t talked much about my personal growth later so yeah it seems I am more opinionated in many of my more recent posts. I can tell the person asking isn’t a long time reader because he would know those are pretty much parcel and post around here. I always have an opinion. But, I am willing to listen to other opinions on many issues and sometimes I even change my own.

I do think as I age though what used to be fleeting ideals have settled in my id. For my few looooong time readers, you’ll remember the struggles I’ve gone thru here. They are legion. And you’ll remember me referring to myself as a blank slate in some regards because I never felt like I was given a strong moral compass as a child. I had to choose which paths in life to take and part of that was how I wanted to be as a person. I have a strong moral compass now. It may not be the norm or even acceptable to others but it guides me in all that I do. I still try to live by the Golden Rule, love, acceptance, tolerance, kindness, and compassion. And thru that I’ve grown from trying to figure out who I am to knowing who I am. I still struggle, as should we all, with things but my id is more formed today. Life, age, experience, mistakes, and wisdom all had a hand it that of course. Am I still fallible? Of course I am! As evidenced by last failed-LTR. I went into it with blinders on and am still feeling the repercussions as a result. And yes, I still have baggage that I carry around with me. I’m happy that it has been reduced to a single carry-on vs a whole family set. hehehe

So yes, I do think I am a tad less flexible in some ways. The irony here is had I been more less-flexible, my last LTR would not have turned into an LTR. Actually, that is only partially true. I had also transferred somer personal demons into the mix that contributed greatly. Anyway, there are many things I used to ignore or shrug off when I was younger. Now I just find I have less tolerance for what I see as bullshit. And if you drag me into your BS or drama, I’m more apt to tell you about it vs just walking away. The key I think is not to allow all the problems of others to become BS in my mind. That is the distinction. [1]There’s that word again. I just love it.

On the flip side, I’m still evolving as a human. I’m still learning and growing as a man and discovering more of what makes me tick. In that regard, I don’t think I’m inflexible at all. I actually believe I am very flexible, almost too much. In the end, I’m struggling for balance. And I believe therein lies the fundamental key; finding a balance between beliefs and ideals while still being accepting of others or willing to see outside of my own box, so to speak.

So, there is your answer dear reader and thanks for being willing to broach the subject with me.

References

References
↑1 There’s that word again. I just love it.

1000 Words

So this guys sends me a message the other day on Scruff wanting to hook-up. Forgetting for a moment, he didn’t even bother checking to see if there was any interest in that from me, he launches into how he used to do porn. [1]or may still do for all I know His profile picture and the 5 others he sends before I can even reply once are all from his production portfolio. Not really a problem as there are a good many porny boy here and they all tend to use their glamour shots. The problem is I’ve seen him recently in real life and he looks nothing like his old porn shots. One, he has gained a good 30lbs or so. Not bad in itself but why try to hide it? SF is a very bear-friendly city. Two, he then proceeds to lie about his age by like 10 or more years. Sad, considering he didn’t really look all that bad. Not my type but still not that bad if you can get beyond the obvious dishonesty and apparent lack of self-respect.

I guess he didn’t realize I have seen him in real life. Anyway, I called him on his pics. Now I was very polite about it. All I said was, “Hey guy, thanks for the interest. Unfortunately, not a match for me. I would recommend updating your pics though as having seen you lately you look nothing like the pics you sent.” OMFG! You’d have thought I’d just burned down his house he was so indignant. He proceeds to tell me, “How dare you say that? Do you know who I am? I could snap my fingers and have 10 different guys over here ***** ***** ****.” (I deleted the graphic sexual detail he referred to here lol) Forgetting the obvious why the eff are you messaging me then comment, I again politely reply back, “I’m not trying to be ugly, I just meant there is a clear difference between your pics and you now. If you really want a solid connection being honest about what/who you are is a big part of that.” Meanwhile, I’m giggling to myself cause I know this is also not going to be received well. Sure enough, I get a very long-winded email about how fabulous he is and what he does for the porn industry, blah blah blah. At this point, I realize my politely direct advice is falling on deaf ears so I just ignore his 3 additional messages.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am no bad-mouthing porn. I know several hard-working, good guys who do porn for a living. It’s an honest living and I have no judgements. While I usually avoid porny boys in my bedroom, it is more from a drama-management perspective. And I said “usually” because there have been exceptions. But the fact that you used to do porn is not license to lie. And to be clear, there are plenty of non-industry “fibbers” online as well. I use this story as its recent.

I used to just ignore these guys but when you make such a direct, hard-line approach to me then you should be able to back it up. The fact he was direct was the one good thing about the whole episode. I hate wishy-washy flakes. And this whole BS idea that your anonymous online and you can be anyone you wanna be is nonsense. The simple and obvious reason is once you meet someone in person your grand story is blown. Duh!

The moral boys and girls is be honest. Or at the very least, don’t blow a gasket when you get busted for being a big fat liar. (Pun intended. LOL) Sure the responses might be less, but they’ll be legitimate.

References

References
↑1 or may still do for all I know

No Homo

Two things this post.

I was reading the other day about a gay bar called NeverMind in Copenhagen that had banned a straight couple from kissing and then promptly kicked them out when they complained. Here’s the link courtesy of Towleroad.

First, I find it ironic this story even exists. Who da thunk it, right? lol I think the owners had good intentions but overreacted a bit. But, I don’t know if I have a good answer anymore either. I find my own ideas on the subject evolving over time. I do know as we go more mainstream, it silly to think straights won’t begin to invade our places, en masse. On one hand that is a good thing and we should be glad they feel comfortable around us. But, we haven’t reached a point where we can go into their bars and show affection for each other. Until we do I think we need our own spaces. I’m not saying they aren’t welcome but respect should be given both ways and I think therein lies the problem. Male or female, I often encounter straights in our environment who feel entitled to behave however they see fit because they are straight. As if somehow that validates their behavior. Sorry but no. Until you walk a mile in our shoes for awhile, don’t be so quick to flaunt your rights. Our spaces were hard-earned while yours are a given. If you come our spaces it is not acceptable for you to be disrespectful or thru bravado or even drunkenness act entitled because you were born with a different form of attraction. Don’t go bonkers when you are asked to curb your behavior. You are getting but a taste of what we go thru.

We should also try to be more accommodating though too. Banning straights from a gay bar is silly. [1]Now if your bar is totally geared toward sexual conquests or hook-ups, that’s a different story. Sorry but straights have no business in our hook-up bars, well unless they wanna get laid. hehehe We should also be willing to accommodate a little ignorance as we educate our straight brethren. For my part, anytime my straight friends go to a gay bar with me they know what to expect because I’ve told them. I always warn them to expect someone, male or female, may hit on them. As long as the line of decency isn’t crossed, and I would hold that to anyone, just roll with the punches and be polite.

I honestly believe we are moving toward a day where, straight or gay, it won’t matter. But until we get there, I think navigating such a complicated issue isn’t easy and requires understanding on both sides.

*

On a side rant, I got really pissed at some guy on Google+ the other day. He was complimenting a mutual online friend on his hard work in the gym. No problem until he felt the need to preface his compliment with the ever immature ‘nohomo‘ phrase. Are you fucking kidding me? Since it wasn’t my feed I kept my cool but just barely, and I still let him know it was stupidly immature to make such a comment.

I don’t even know if the mutual social friend is gay or straight and I could care less. To preface a comment like that reeks of stupidity. One, as if one man complimenting another is bad and two, if you do it might seem gay and that is bad. Hell-to-the-No! I half expected the mutual friend to delete my comment or even ban me from his circles but he just rolled with it. The other guy didn’t reply so maybe he took the hint. Either way, I really don’t care. I’ve reached an age and level where I will not stand idly and be insulted, even indirectly. And letting others know their behavior, however ignorantly well-meaning, is inappropriate is a big step to curbing said behavior.

\rant

References

References
↑1 Now if your bar is totally geared toward sexual conquests or hook-ups, that’s a different story. Sorry but straights have no business in our hook-up bars, well unless they wanna get laid. hehehe

Dark Side

I’ve been getting more than usual flirts from members of the opposite sex lately. It’s kinda odd because it seems to have come out of nowhere. lol The occasional flirt doesn’t really register but more than a few a month is noteworthy.

I’m sitting on the MUNI bus a couple weeks back and this girl comes over and sits next to me. I didn’t think much of it as the coach was a tad crowded. I had Cooper with me and she started asking questions about him as she petted him. At one point, she was practically in my lap and her questions had shifted from Cooper to me. I was sort of shocked to realize she was trying to get me to pick her up! lol I almost fell out of my seat. Luckily, my stop arrived and she wasn’t departing at the same terminal. Cooper and I exited the train. I couldn’t resist the urge to look back and sure enough she was staring after me and smiling.

I’m at Starbucks in the ‘hood one day and the girl behind me starts up a conversation. Next thing I know she’s asking if I’m married or if I have a “girlfriend.” I’m like, really? I’m at the heart of gay and gayer and you’re mack’n on me? She figured it out when I hugged and kissed a friend who happened to stop by. hehehe She looked so dejected too.

Even at work I’ve noticed a slight change from some of my female co-workers. I’m completely out at work and everyone knows. I’ve always had little compliments and kind words from some of the girls but lately it seems to have really picked up. Just last week I had 3 different girls call me handsome, compliment my muscles, ask about my gym routine, who I was dating, etc.

Coupled with my recent post about the guy in the gym suddenly finding interest I’m curious what has changed about me? Have my pheromones changed? Am I giving off the single and available vibe more strongly? Honest to goodness, I don’t really get it. Granted, I can appreciate an attractive woman but I’m a polar zero on the Kinsey scale. Having been to the dark side, not once but twice, I am quite confident it is most definitely NOT for me. lol I say that in jest of course. I’m always very flattered when someone finds me attractive. We all should. It doesn’t change who I am if it is a girl or a guy. It just is.

Anyway, while I’m certainly perplexed, I ain’t bitchin’. Hopefully, it will continue with the boys as well.

Advice

Ever watch a straight guy in a gay environment? They usually fall into three categories. One, is the obvious freak-the-fuck-out guy. He’s an idiot and we don’t need to talk about him. Two, there is the guy who is completely comfortable with it and usually his own sexuality as well. Three, and my favorite, is the guy totally out of his element and trying his hardest not to show it.

I’ll admit we don’t get many of number three in the gaborhood that often. But as the gentrification of the Castro continues, I’m beginning to see more of them. As soon as the straight women show up, the guys are not far behind. heehee Anyway, today I’m watching this guy walk [1]and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus down the street with his girl. She is oblivious to his mounting frustration but seems to be enjoying the new found attention. The guy is trying his hardest not to look uncomfortable. He is taking everything in while trying to maintain that look of disinterest. I must admit it’s cracking me up. I’ve watched them for almost a block now and he has a vice grip on her hand and has already kissed her 3 times. lol Mind you all the while his eyes have been on every storefront and every guy walking by. If it wasn’t so funny I’d feel sorry for him. As I type this he just saw a male couple kissing and he can’t take his eyes off’em!

Oh, and before I move on I should mention I don’t get the slightest gay vibe from him. Not that that means anything. My point is I don’t think he is living in the closet. You can clearly tell the guy is fascinated. OH! He just caught me watching. Damn…my covers been blown. OH well, it was fun while it lasted. He has ‘suddenly’ lost interest in the couple’s kissing and is dragging his girlie past my line of sight. He gets props for being such a good trooper. I’m sure given time and repeated exposure, he’ll be a well-adjusted hetero who understands it really isn’t that much different.

In the meantime, for my few (if any) straight guy readers, let me give you some advice. First, don’t go overboard trying to distinguish your ‘straightness.’ You just end up looking the fool. Be yourself. And while you’re girl of the moment may enjoy the new found attentions, don’t go overboard with the affections. Gay or straight, too much PDAs [2]public display of affection just looks trashy. Contrary to old stereotypes, our neighborhoods aren’t not stop orgies. Sure you might get oggled or flirted with but that’s human nature. Be flattered someone finds you attractive. It doesn’t threaten your own masculinity or sexuality. No one is gonna grab you and try to molest you. Well I say that but if you’re in a cruisy bar all bets are off. lol Second, it’s ok to look. Seriously, we don’t mind. Show off your willingness to expand your boundaries. You’ll look cooler and you’ll probably learn a lot. Lastly, welcome to the ‘hood. In no time you’ll be ignoring the drag queens, naked guys, and explicit store fronts just like the rest of us!

References

References
↑1 and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus
↑2 public display of affection