Category: gay

GGP

For “God’s Gentle People”

Not even 12 hours after my post, the nasty-grams started rolling in. As always, new comments are held for moderation. It’s always a pleasure reading some of the nasty vitriol that people of faith can sometimes spew. And as always, while you may disagree with me, even vehemently, you may not make personal attacks on me. Not if you wish such comments to ever see the light of day. Such nonsense is deleted at my sole discretion.

I did get one semi-decent personal email message. What started off as rhetoric turned into, what I felt, was a disingenuous effort to call me a hypocrite. The person had obviously taken the time to read thru some of my blog. [1]Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle  For the sake of brevity, I will ignore all the religious quotes as they mean nothing to me. In a nutshell, the commenter implied that because I talk about my adult struggles and even my mention of being compulsive in the past that I am a liar. He goes on to attempt to hammer home many of Mat’s points about the “destructive gay lifestyle.”

If you’ve taken the time to read my previous rant or any of Mat’s stuff, you discover very quickly he blames a huge chunk of his own shortcomings and failures in life on being gay. Mat, regardless of the reasons, made some bad choices in his young gay life. [2]It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.  Those choices are a reflection on his growth (or lack) as a man, not his being gay. Choosing dark paths doesn’t make being gay the fault anymore than being straight would be at fault. Attempting to do so is nothing more than denial. And just because Mat paints us in over-generalizations to combat his own denial doesn’t make it true. One has only to look at the thousands of LGBT couples getting married all over this country now to see we just want to be equal. We want to be able to establish our families and be recognized under the law. And yes, many of us get caught up in some of the negative aspects of our community. But that doesn’t make us any less deserving of love, respect, and equality. Self-destructive behavior isn’t gay or straight, it’s human.

As for me, I make no bones about my openness regarding sex. I do NOT live a life based on puritanical restrictions. I also make no secret that I struggled with compulsiveness surrounding sex. I fell for many of the failed coping mechanisms that Mat did. But instead of blaming my own failings on being gay, I accepted myself. I worked on discovering why I was so compulsive and worked to correct it. I grew as a man, shedding many of the insecurities that plagued me as a youth and pushed me into some destructive or excessive behaviors. So you see dear reader, I am not a hypocrite. But I do not live in a world of absolutes so I don’t see it as you do. I live in this world with its many complicated, messy, fallible humans. Nor do I live a moral code based on fear of what might happen to me after I die. I chose to be good because it is the right thing to do. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I struggle. My failures do not make me less deserving or make being gay inherently bad.

I stand by my words and my advice to Mat. I hope he finds peace. But I don’t believe he ever will until he lets go of trying to deny what he is.

References

References
↑1 Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle
↑2 It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.

Caught

Some of you will probably remember my Dear Kid open letter in response to a poster child for the ex-gay movement, Matt Moore. Matt’s story was slightly different as he wasn’t claiming to not be gay but just not embracing it. He has his own blog where he often laments his struggles. He also wrote a “Dear Kid” letter which I took offense to and attempted to rebut several times on his site and then of course, my own follow up open letter.

Well, as you may have heard Matt got busted posting a profile on grindr recently. And while many are saying, “I told you so” that is not my purpose here today. I truly feel remorse for this guy. It breaks my heart that he has locked himself into a self-reinforcing delusion that is fed by his faith. He laments his being gay and then blames many of his mistakes in life on being gay. He goes on to infer over and over that all gays are the stereotype and therefore the gay lifestyle should be avoided as unhealthy. Don’t even get me started on how he rationalizes away the thousands of couples getting married all over the country now that it is legal. And while I see his overgeneralizations as a disingenuous, maybe he never experienced anything but the stereotype so he actually believes we all live that way. I don’t really think so but am willing to extend the benefit of the doubt. Plus, it is easier to avoid the truth when you are able to conveniently label everyone into neat little packages. The problem is humans are never that simple and never fit just one mold. Labels, while sometimes appropriate, do not define us.

How very convenient for him that the mantle of being gay can be so wide as to shoulder the blame for all his life’s woes. I can only imagine what my life would be like today if I’d taken his path. I probably would have already killed myself to be honest. Having already lived thru the conflict that he goes thru, I would never wish that on a single soul. It destroys your self-worth. You become desperate to accept anything that would help you explain it away. Naturally, religion offers an easy out. You get to absolve yourself of the “sin”, blame it on the devil, and then turn it all over to someone else to handle for you. Frankly, I prefer to have a code of conduct based on being a good man, not based on fear of what some all-powerful, yet oddly selfish, supernatural being might due to me after I die.

I hope that someday Matt can break out of his self-hatred and shame and see himself and the world more objectively. I fear he is on a path to destruction and I feel powerless to help.  He is blinded by ignorant [1]and often deliberately mistranslated dogma that teaches him to hate himself. He is he finding out the hard way that dumping your problems on a deity doesn’t really pan out. Of course, there is more dogma to counteract that failure so the cycle continues.

Being gay isn’t always a walk on the beach. It can be a rough road full of heart-ache, pain, disappointment, etc. But how is that any different from the rest of the world? Some might argue it’s easier to “get by” by pretending. I’d argue how’s that working out for you? Being gay has it’s challenges, no doubt, but that doesn’t equate denying who/what you are. Blaming being gay for your own insecurities and failings in life will not make it all better. It may make a convenient scapegoat but that only lasts so long. Our culture has issues, many grown out of coping mechanisms from being under constant attack but that does not make being gay inherently bad anymore than being born with blue eyes would. How may of those issues would be nonexistent if young gays grew up in a society not fixated on hating/condemning anyone different?

In my mind, it boils down to acceptance. You can accept that which you cannot change and strive to live a life that makes you happy and fulfilled, or you can hide from what you are and live a life of misery, self-hatred, distrust, and fear. Both will be filled w/mistakes as we are human after all. But which sounds better? Only you can decide for you.

References

References
↑1 and often deliberately mistranslated

Message

So I got a snotty message from someone on growlr the other day. Apparently, because I didn’t answer his first reply buried in about 100 other messages I’ve yet to open that made me a stuck up asshole. Who knew? I used to try to be polite to folks like this and explain things but I honestly don’t have time to help validate your insecurities online. Seriously, I can understand disappointment. We all go thru it. But if you get that worked up over someone not replying to your message, grunt, poke, jingle, woof, or whatever, then I highly recommend you log off the internet.

I’ve rambled before about our technology outpacing our ethical ability to keep up so no need to beat that horse again. Unfortunately, I did send back a bit of a snotty message. I shouldn’t have as it should be beneath me.

Dear random person.
I’m so very sorry that you are upset that I didn’t immediately drop everything I was doing to instantly see and respond to your 12 messages. You see, your message got buried in my queue filled with 100 or so other very important growls [1]Growls are like smiles or woofs, it’s basically an automated notification someone is saying hi. that I haven’t gotten to yet. I’ve been meaning to quit my job so I’d have more free time to respond to every single request , no matter how vague or how far away.  ~ Moby

Yes, it was a shitty reply. I own that. I was cranky and it hit me at just the wrong moment. After a recent rant about my politeness, I sort of have egg on my face.  I could have just deleted it and moved on. No need to chastise me, I’m doing that well enough on my own. Two wrongs don’t make a right and I need to strive to not be so snotty, even if it was deserved.

I would humbly ask, if you are an online user (lord knows we all are), recognize that you are projecting an expectation onto others who may not have the same expectation.

References

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↑1 Growls are like smiles or woofs, it’s basically an automated notification someone is saying hi.

Cognitive

My big word of the day, Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is basically when a person(s) hold simultaneous beliefs or ideas that conflict thereby creating dissonance. Our id will not tolerate too much of said dissonance and often times something has to give to resolve the conflict. A good example is the whole fight over nudity here in SF. [1]The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example  The issue has really been good blog fodder. Not only the issue itself but also some of the observations surrounding it.

It is my opinion that many involved could not resolve the idea that someone could be both against public nudity and be progressive or liberal. Others couldn’t resolve the idea that gay men who love Folsom, Dore, and all that comes with that could also support the ban. I would call that a pretty clear case of CD. Being unable to resolve the conflict resulted in lots of name-calling, outlandish statements, and overall disgust at how SF has become fascist, Republican, and/or conservative. This created an enemy that didn’t cause conflict, could be blamed, and thereby restoring balance in the id. Oh, and any gays who were vocal about supporting the ban were also labeled as uppity, prudes, outsiders, greedy, and/or selfish. Same result different variant. [2]And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.  The very idea that you could be both gay and for the nudity ban was simply inconceivable to many. Some expressed their outrage just over that very fact.

There were many other issues at play here but this was something that struck me in a profound way. It was also very divisive. I had friends on both sides that were very passionate over it. Once I realized what I was seeing, I actually pulled back a bit to watch things unfold. It was like a weird science project. I swear I should have been a psychologist because I totally dig it. Lol Then you have the problem of filtering out the conspiracy nuts, the ignorant, and all of the personal bias. The latter being a mountain unto itself. So many were just randomly spewing nonsense. The mob mentality online is bound to be a thesis for someone somewhere.

Back on point, I don’t have a clue how we can work to better this. Belief is a powerful thing, as evidenced by the grip that organized religion has had over society for centuries. The problem I see these days is that belief seems to no longer be reliant on facts. For myself, without knowing the facts or details, I try not to go all holier-than-thou. That in itself would solve a lot of problems. I also try to be honest with myself if I have a personal bias over an issue. For example, on the nudity thing, some people that know me were very surprised at my reaction. They assumed I’d be all up in arms over it. And I’ll admit it did give me pause. I see no harm in nudity, or sex for that matter. I think our puritanical culture here in the US is extremely biased against sex in general. But as mentioned, it was more about a lack of respect IMO than the actual nudity. I also recognize a need for boundaries and respect for others.

The idea that a father of a slain child could be heckled by gun fanatic is another very striking and shameful version of cognitive dissonance. It was also a lot of other very shameful things but I was very sad to have read it. Anyway, the point of my little ramble today is it helps if we try to look outside the box from time to time. Instead of ignoring facts, we should embrace them. We should also realize that labels do not define us as individuals.

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↑1 The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example
↑2 And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.

Ban v.20

So looks like the nudity ban held up in court. I would have been surprised if it hadn’t. It was carefully worded. It is a shame we ended up with this law on the books but now maybe we can all move past it. [1]I’m sure some won’t and will lament even louder about how fascist SF has become. Seriously, just think about that for a moment.  I never supported the ban on it’s surface but I also never supported the so called nudists. Legislating personal behavior is a tricky and dangerous slope. However, I can tolerate it because it strives to strike what I believe to be a fair balance. 

It is truly unfortunate a selfish few had to ruin it for all. And yes, I say selfish because that is exactly what it was. Regardless of my theories on nudity, it is selfish anytime you decide your wants are more important than everyone else’s. The cognitive dissonance regarding the whole ordeal has sparked a post of it’s very own. (forthcoming)  But I do truly hope we can all move past it now. For something so silly, it sparked a lot of debate within the community. I wish we put half the energies invested in all this towards dealing with the homeless, skyrocketing rents, MUNI, etc. The Castro, as a gay neighborhood, is dying a slow death. It’s being strangled by greed, selfishness, and gentrification. The latter being totally unavoidable but as a whole I think the “Castro” as a gay hood will be gone in 10 years. Local businesses cannot afford rents and the neighborhood seems dead set on preventing anyone who might be a chain from opening. So spaces sit empty collecting yet more homeless encampments.

Anyway, if you really think about it, the ban pretty much maintains the status quo before all this started. You can still expose your buttocks pretty much anywhere. You can still go nude at beaches, fairs, events, parks (to a degree), etc. You just can’t park your butt in the hub of the neighborhood naked anymore. This is where we were before these guys decided to push the boundaries. I do not believe, as some have stated, that SF is becoming conservative or fascist. That is all lip service for “I didn’t get my way so I’m gonna call you names.”  SF is still a wonderfully progressive city in so many ways.

On a side rant, unfortunately, SF is facing an identity crisis. It has moved beyond a “small town” to a thriving city and the attitudes and approach to managing it are still stuck in the days of old. If SF is going to truly thrive and remain diverse, it needs to move away from viewing itself a small city and start managing itself as the city that it is.

References

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↑1 I’m sure some won’t and will lament even louder about how fascist SF has become. Seriously, just think about that for a moment.

Down

No, not sad. Turned down. A reader asked what were [1]I seem to be getting a lot questions lately. Is there some sort of Q&A meme going around? Not that I’m complaining mind you… some of the reasons I turn down dates (or sex) and how I respond. Not always an easy answer as we live in a society who’s technological advancements are outpacing our ethical ability to keep up.

I’d have to say a big reason I turn down dates or “connections” would be drugs. I get turned down just as much for not being ok with drugs. There is no place in my life for drugs and it is one of the few absolute deal-breakers for me. I have no problem with pot but I hate the smell just as much as ciggies and cigars. I could never seriously date (much less kiss) anyone who smelled like those things. Plenty of my friends do both but they also know my feelings on the subject. I can separate my ability to be friends with someone from their habits.

Even though it’s in virtually all my online profiles, I still guys that hit me up for pnp or to “smoke a bowl.” Just last week a guy got really bent out of shape on Scruff because I wouldn’t come over and top him while he was getting high. [2]There is also my job to consider. It opens up several tricky ethical questions that I’d just rather avoid all together. He was indignant and kept wanting me to explain why. After like the umpteeth message, I finally lost my temper and ignored him.

I had another younger guy hit me up and again acted all indignant that I could possible say no (for any reason) to him. Bless his heart. He was pretty but not my type at all. He couldn’t seem to wrap his mind around someone older saying no to him. On a small tangent, I seem to attract a lot more younger guys than I used to. While there are always exceptions, I’m not attracted to young guys as a norm. Hell, even when I was young I wasn’t into young guys. I guess I as I’m reaching the ‘daddy’ phase it is to be expected. And I can still be appreciative even if it isn’t my cup of tea. But if you go off on a rant about how you’re basically god’s gift to me because your young and pretty, well that ain’t gonna buy you any points. 

As to how, I usually try to take the sting out of it by politely declining the interest along with a small tidbit of conversation. The tidbit often helps diffuse the awkwardness and allows us to move past it. Whether online or in person, I try to be respectful and polite when I can. I say when I can because there are times I can’t always reply. And it doesn’t always work but that’s how I try to handle it. As I’ve always said, I recognize the distinction between being attracted to someone and being accepting of someone. Just because I don’t wanna swap spit doesn’t mean I can’t be civil or even chat with you. We might even end up friends. I also try not to be the guy who say’s he’ll call and never does. If I ask for your number, it is because I earnestly want to see you again. If you offer me your number and I know it’s not gonna happen, I usually try to politely decline. I’d rather you take a small offense up front than expect a call that never comes. I haven’t always been able to carry thru on this last one but I’m getting better at it.

Sometimes, I just ignore online requests. Especially if it is obvious the person hasn’t even read my profile. Besides that, there are times when I can’t possibly reply to everyone. Be it too many responses, I’m only online for a few minutes, the person is thousand of miles away, whatever the reason, it’s just simple math. As more apps and ways to connect instantly emerge, it makes it harder to answer every single point of interest. Ignoring responses that don’t interest me can be just as effective as a reply. As mentioned in a previous rant, rejection can be hard but often unavoidable. I don’t take it personal if someone doesn’t reply to me. I don’t get bent out of shape. I can be disappointed w/o being bitter over it.

Beyond that, I don’t really have a big revelation. It really depends on the individual and the connection I feel. I try to be polite and honest.

I can’t tell you why others turn me down because I don’t ask. If there isn’t a match, the reason is irrelevant.

References

References
↑1 I seem to be getting a lot questions lately. Is there some sort of Q&A meme going around? Not that I’m complaining mind you…
↑2 There is also my job to consider. It opens up several tricky ethical questions that I’d just rather avoid all together.

Reject

After my last rant, I remembered an email a reader had sent me previously about rejection. He basically asked how I handled rejection.

Learning to handle rejection can be a hard lesson in life. I struggled with it a lot as a young man. Not to say I’m immune to it now, because I’m not. Rejection is part of life. There are still times when it stings. You cannot get thru this world w/o facing rejection in some form or fashion. It is how you handle the rejection that defines your character and growth as a man (or woman).

The hardest and often longest struggle is overcoming your own insecurities. This is often a lifetime goal that will probably never go away. It may get better but it’s always there. We all have insecurities. Yes, read it again. We all have insecurities. And we are often hardest on ourselves. I can’t give you any specific answer here. You first have to be objective enough to recognize said insecurities first. Then, and only then can you begin to work on them. But to realize everyone has them goes a long way to help you feel less alone about it.

What you should avoid is going down a path of ‘what’s wrong with me?‘ should you be rejected. Rejection doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means there isn’t a match. No one is everyone’s type and vice-versa. In regards to sex or romantic interest, attraction is a two-way street and if it isn’t both ways then rejection is bound to happen. Of course, it stings, especially when it is someone you are really attracted to. But that in no way diminishes who and what you are. I can speak from experience. I used to internalize it something awful. I’d get down on myself assuming I wasn’t handsome enough, hung enough, buff enough, masculine enough, the list goes on and on. The reality often had nothing with what I was projecting.

Case and point, I used to have the hots for this tall older buff guy when I was living in Colorado. In my eyes, he had it all. He was handsome, hung, articulate, and buff. I’d follow him around like a puppy when I saw him at certain “haunts.” He was never rude or mean to me but he made it plain that he wasn’t interested. I was so dejected. To say I beat myself up over it would be an understatement. At it’s worst, my mood would get so bad when I ran into him I’d often leave.

Be it pity or just kindness, he sort of reached out and befriended me. After we became friends I quickly discovered he had a penchant for young, smooth, pretty blond boys. I mean this was pretty much his only attraction range. There was nothing wrong with me, I was simply not his type. As time progressed, I discovered the same insecurities in him that I had. If he got rejected by a point of interest, he would go into a funk no less severe than my own. It was quite an eye-opening experience and was one of the first times I started looking beyond my insecurities to the bigger picture. He also let me know that he did in fact befriend me because I never pushed it too far. He knew I liked him but because I never tried to force myself on him, he appreciated it.

While not every situation will be this cut and dry, that isn’t the point. The point is that you can’t be everyone’s type. And just because someone declines interest doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. [1]And frankly any person who would try to indicate it is your fault, isn’t someone you wanna know anyway. And just because you see someone as being ‘the it’, that doesn’t mean they don’t struggle with the very same issues.

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↑1 And frankly any person who would try to indicate it is your fault, isn’t someone you wanna know anyway.

Profile

I was cleaning some really old files off my webserver the other day and I stumbled upon an edit file of old profile info I used to post on AOL. [1]That’s America Online for all you youngin’s out there.   I had a habit of saving my profile descriptions. I’d often just copy/paste the same profile info as necessary across different sites. Anyway, I was a little disappointed after perusing some of the content. I had forgotten some of the disrespectful things I used to put in my profiles. Granted, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful but that really isn’t the point. Intentional or not, referring to a whole race of people as being off-limits is offensive. The same goes for “not fats, no fems, etc.”

While I did eventually see the error of my ways, I’m sad to say many have not. You only need peruse pretty much any online social site to see guys posting the same type of comments. And don’t even get me started on the over-use of ‘masculine-only.‘ That is a rant all to itself. We’ll save it for a rainy day.

Anyway, whether you intend it or not, it is offensive to put such things in a profile. I’ve probably ranted on this subject before but it bears repeating. Instead of telling the world what you’re not into, focus on what you are into and keep it positive. Leave out the negative comments as it only serves to make you look like an ass. And it often makes you less appealing to prospective suitors. After all, the old saying goes ‘you catch more flies with honey...’

*

After I wrote this I found the original post on the subject. How funny I gave it the same title. I guess my mind still thinks the same way.

References

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↑1 That’s America Online for all you youngin’s out there.

Wear

So in a bit of shallowness, I’m probably the only gay guy who doesn’t like fancy underwear. By fancy I mean the alphabet of colors and cuts that seem to be prominent today. First, I am not bashing anyone, and if you comment keep it to the post not personal bias. kthanks. 

I just don’t get into perky panties as I like to call them. Granted, I also don’t wear the old school briefs that were often “generously” cut. lol I’d say it’s just my age but I’ve always disfavored them. Maybe it’s because I see them as flashy and I’m not a flashy kind of guy. I can see if you’re going to an event where your undies will be showing ie an underwear party, but in everyday life what is the point?

Me: I’m a standard boxer brief guy or commando. If I’m gonna wear undies, I want’em to fit w/o making me look like a WB cartoon character. I don’t need a bunch of cuts and rainbow of colors.

What about you? You a boxer, brief, or boxer-brief kind of guy? And if do you like the fancy ones, why?

Here

Well, if you’re reading this, we are all still here. The world didn’t end because the Mayan’s decided to stop counting at 12.21.12. Of course, we already knew the other half of the planet already rotating into the 12.21.12 time zone is still there.

Now maybe all the end of the world crazies can move on and find something more useful to obsess about. Naaaaah

Now that it’s over (pun intended) I thought I’d share a funny story. While I’m leaving the gym yesterday, I’m walking thru the ‘hood and see a rather fugly MUNI driver standing on the corner [1]in his work uniform mind you making very strong advances to a female that was walking by.  He circles her, looking her up and down, making very direct and inappropriate comments to her in attempt to establish is manliness and land her number. Seriously, it was a spectacle to behold.

Getting a wild hair up my ass, I decided to teach him a lesson. As the female walks away in disgust, I walk up to him and proceed to do the exact same thing. I walk around him making comments, looking him up and down, asking for his number, his bus route, and how I can “get me some.” You can clearly see he is holding back the F-word as he gets more and more angry. Right when is about to totally lose his shit I lamented and said, “now you know how it feels don’t ya? It doesn’t feel very good when the shoe is on the other foot. You were totally disrespectful to that woman. You made an ass of yourself and she walked away thinking how disgusting you were. Next time try a little class or at very least don’t be so disrespectful.” I then turned and walked away while he was mumbling under his breath.

It is my hope that my rather controversial ploy taught him a lesson. I guarantee he’ll think twice before doing it in the Castro again. Several of my friends said I was lucky he didn’t assault me. I don’t see it that way. I think he was lucky he didn’t assault me. While I’d never pick a fight, I have no problem finishing one. Either way, I still hope he’ll be more respectful. 

References

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↑1 in his work uniform mind you