Assimilate

Today’s rant is about the growing rift within our community as we march toward equality. I’m feeling a bit long-winded today, be warned. [1]I’ve already condensed this post twice

With the progress toward equality, not just under the law but also in the heart & minds of middle America, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend lately. It seems many do not like the march for equality because it would somehow mean giving up some of our culture’s ‘uniqueness’ or ‘queerness’ or whatever subjective term de jour you prefer. Even worse, many of the said folks have begun belittling those who  want inclusion. One has only to delve in the recent SF Pride/Bradly Manning scandal to see it. Actually, you can delve into pretty any recent scandal involving gay culture and see it. The name calling, the condescending attitudes, the outright vitriol for anyone who might simply want to be included and not stand out. It is shameful and makes us no better than the crazy fundies. Oh, the fear might be different but the end is the same. I’m disappointed to see us turning on ourselves over something that should be a given.

Parts of our gay culture developed on different paths. For some, it developed as an abandonment of those who abandoned us. [2]For the purpose of this discussion, I am using very general terms. I realize not everyone fits neatly into a a  label!  This group embraced the fact we were different. They began to celebrate and exemplify it. One might say it was liberating as they were freed from the constrictions of an overly restrictive puritanical moral code. In essence, they embraced everything that was outside the norm and rejoiced in the new found freedom it gave them. I would argue these outlets saved many from simply giving up. It is not an idea or approach that necessarily should be discarded. And as one would expect, many of these coping mechanisms became a way of life.

Then you have the holier-than-thou’s who thru ignorance and desperation cater to the idea that LGBT’s should avoid any display of stereotypes and conform. I guess they think if we look/act like the rest of society they’ll fear us less. Sadly, you see it most in the so called conservative gays who let greed dictate their actions. This ideology is flawed because it relies on the premise that I somehow am less deserving of equality and have to earn it thru conformity. It’s not and I don’t.

Then you have what I refer to as the rest of us. The largest percentage of LGBT folks who’ve always felt like they’ve been on the outside looking in and wanted to be inside. We’ve spent most of our lives hoping and fighting for equality. And now that it is happening, we are thrilled beyond measure. For myself, there are parts of me that identify with the first and last groups mentioned above. I stepped away from much of the puritanical nonsense long ago. But I still yearn to be treated equally under the law and not feel like an outcast in society.

The holier-than-thou’s will most likely adapt the easiest. They’ll just shift their need for conformity to greed and keep going. It will barely make a blip on their radar. The first group though are the ones who are struggling with our growing acceptance and for obvious reasons. They developed outside the norm and the norm is now alien to them in many ways. They see it as a relic of the past to be discarded. And on some points, I’d probably agree with them. But that doesn’t make it ok to turn on those who do not see it that way. And to see many within said group turn to hatred is disappointing. It shows first they are not as evolved as they’d like to think for one. Two, it shows they are scared and acting out of misplaced fear to save their way of life. A way of life that might very well be in danger to some degree but not in total destruction.

I would argue that we do not need to be divided. We can accept and rejoice at our inclusion into mainstream society and still maintain the things that gave our culture so much pizazz. And my advice to anyone who resents mainstreaming, don’t be so quick to hate those who’s only goal in life is to feel included. Not everyone copes the same way and it should not be derided because of it. Looking down your nose at LGBT brethren only serves to make you more like the fundies who hate us. They hate us because we are different. They hate us because we don’t act the way they do. Don’t make their shallow un-evolved mistakes. Be the bigger person and embrace the fact we are merging back into society.

And we can merge w/o giving up our culture. Sure some things might change and/or shrink but that is only because this generation is driven to be included. The next generation won’t feel that drive as strongly [3]because they will already feel included and will be more likely embrace uniqueness. Instead of lamenting for the old days, continue on your path and be there to help show them the way. If you need an example, you only have to look within the black community. They’ve maintained a separate culture while still being a part of society as whole. We can do the same but with the flair and creativity that gives us some of our uniqueness.

References

References
1 I’ve already condensed this post twice
2 For the purpose of this discussion, I am using very general terms. I realize not everyone fits neatly into a a  label!
3 because they will already feel included

Arrogant

I was talking to a friend the other day and I sort of confronted him on something. He has always had an arrogant side and I was genuinely curious where it came from. Some of it I could sort of be expected as he trends on the very good looking side of things. And while not rich, he has a job that keeps him comfy. One might expect a bit of arrogance from such a person.

The odd part is I’ve never really seen it as a connection for this particular guy. It doesn’t seem, to me anyways, that his attitude comes from that aspect of his life. So curiosity got the better of me and I flat out asked him. His answer surprised me. He said his dad had been on the arrogant side and it was often a way to cover up insecurity. Growing up as a boy he’d picked up on it and grew into using it for himself. I guess to a degree that makes total sense but I don’t think I would ever expect arrogance to cover insecurity. They don’t seem grounded in the same causations, so to speak. I was equally surprised he was introspective enough to have figured how why he does it.

We chatted a bit more and emboldened by his honestly, I asked why he’d never attempted to be arrogant with me directly. His reply was again a bit of a shocker. lol He told me he’d never felt a need to behave that way around me. He also indicated he didn’t think I would put up with it anyway, which is true but not the point. I was surprised here because in a previous rant a while back I talked about discovering friends had been intimidated by me before they knew me. He’d been one of them apparently.

Now that I’ve had to digest it all, I’m still a bit baffled. I’ve always seen arrogance as a wasted emotion. And while I still think that, I am beginning to see the facets of it now. From my jaded world-view, it has always been something I contributed to rich spoiled or super attractive guys. I guess on some level I knew it could be associated with insecurity but I obviously never registered it as a conscious thought process. And now I find myself going back thru memories of guys in my past who’d I’d labeled as arrogant and written off wondering if they too had developed it as a coping mechanism.

I still see arrogance as a wasted emotion. And while it may very well sometimes be a coping mechanism, it is a destructive one. It does more harm than good in the end and should be avoided. Besides, being humble increases a man’s attractiveness. The old adage goes, “you catch more flies with honey…” would apply here it seems.

Rev

It’s always nice when I can educate other drivers about motorcycle riders. Even if it starts out pissy.

The other day, I’m coming home from work. I pull up to a car at the light. And as I normally do, I rev my engine as I pass to let the cars know I’m coming. One lady didn’t understand this I guess. She happened to be next to me at the next light and decided to roll down her window and attempt to tell me off.

Lady: Why do you guys always do that? It’s so rude. Why do you have to roar your engine and be so disruptive!
Me: *After flicking open my helmet and smiling* Ma’am, we aren’t trying to be rude, we’re actually trying to be courteous and let you know we’re next to your vehicle. That way you don’t suddenly turn into us and run us over with a vehicle that is usually 4-6 times our size and weight.
Lady: *bewildered look and half open mouth attempting to formulate a new thought after abruptly having to discard the last intended one*
Lady: *more pause*
Lady: Oh. I didn’t know that. I always wondered why so many of you people [yes she really said you people] do that. Now it makes perfect sense. Thank you.

The ironic part of this whole things is at the very next intersection she turned right and almost ran over a cyclist!

I normally wouldn’t bring it up but having explained it to a buddy and another random car driver less than 2 months ago, I felt it was worthy of a PSA. If you live in a state like Cali, where lane-sharing is legal (or not) that motorcycle driver revving his engine next to you isn’t being a dick, he is trying not to get run over, have you pull into him, or open your car door unexpectedly and hit him. Yes some riders are total lane hogs and/or dicks but that doesn’t make us all bad.

And as many of us moto riders are fond to saying to each other when parting, ‘keep the shiny side up!

Surprised

Interesting share today.

I rant into a guy on the street the other day that I’ve had a crush on for some time. We always see each other at the gym, exchange glances and smiles.  I heard he had a partner so I never pursued it further. I run into him while walking Cooper one day and we stop to exchange pleasantries and formally introduce ourselves. There were some obvious sparks passing between us instantly. He was very sweet and charming. We talked for a bit before I confessed how handsome I thought he was. He returned the sentiment with a big smile. I asked if he was single. To his credit, he stated he was but that he was dating someone. With that news, I mentioned that I would normally give my number but wouldn’t because I didn’t want to intrude into his current situation.

He was visibly surprised and appreciative of my candor and unwillingness to put my own needs before respect. He told me outright he appreciated the respect. He got bonus points for loving Cooper immediately. lol Anyway, we continued to chat and flirt harmlessly for a bit more before going our separate ways. As we departed, he mentioned to me that if things didn’t work out he would very much like to reach out to me. I stated that would be very ok with me.

I got to thinking. How many other guys would have done the same? How many of you reading would have done the same? Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not inferring anything inappropriate or negative here. I’m sincerely curious if others would see it the same way I did. Some believe, ‘all is fair in love and war‘. And while I don’t necessarily cater to that belief, I’m not saying it is wrong or right. I’ve always admitted I’m an odd bird. I’m wired very different from a lot of people and I’m cool with that. And had my interest only been carnal, I wouldn’t have had a problem as long as that was allowed on his part. [1]I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.

From my perspective, it would have been rude or disrespectful to try and muscle in on someone else’s potential partner. While not at a partner level, it was pretty obvious it was more than casual dating. To try and insert myself in a romantic sense just felt wrong to me. I’ve never been able to date more than one guy at a time. Dating [2]not a date but serious continuous dating to me implies intimacy and potential for more and I have never been able to split my affections like that. I know other guys who seem to have no problem managing multiple suitors and see no conflict with it. I’m not saying they are wrong, nor am I judging them. I’m just saying it is not for me, and conversely I wouldn’t do it to someone else.

References

References
1 I’ve always seen the distinction between love and sex, so if you read me often this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
2 not a date but serious continuous dating

Belt

Ever get stuck in between belt notches? I’m currently stuck there. I’m not quite lean enough to move in a notch on the belt but the notch I’m currently using isn’t quite cutting it either. lol Don’t ya just hate that? #firstworldproblems

It’s the same thing with t-shirts too. I’m mostly in larges now but there was a time there were I was between a medium and large depending on the brand of shirt. Being someone who is not an avid shopper by nature, it gets frustrating having to always try a shirt on to see if it fits. And of course, ordering online can be a real pain, especially when the vendor doesn’t list out who manufactures their shirts. arrrgh!

And speaking of clothes, it’s time to start buying again. I used to force myself to buy one new item of clothing every month. This kept me in decent clothing and kept me from looking like a raggedy man. lol When Apple guy and I were together, he made shirts so I always had a quick fix for a new tshirt so I got out of the habit. Anyway, I was doing laundry the other day and noticed several of my shirts were looking pretty worn. Time to get my ass in gear and start shopping again. *sigh*  I don’t mind shopping but there is not joy in it so often it’s like a chore for me. And I love nothing more than procrastinating about chores!

Facts

Following up on my cognitive dissonance rant, I’ve been really disappointed lately with the disturbing trend we have toward ignoring facts. It seems that once again we are following in the foot-steps of the crazies by now also ignoring facts in favor of bias.

I use the most recent episode of Fitness SF’s [1]Formerly Gold’s Gym domain scandal. One of the web contractors for the gym took their domain down and posted a rather long diatribe about “freelance developers” and “independent businesses” not being respected or paid. The contractor went on to accuse the franchise [2]Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms of failing to pay past due bills.

First, I agree a business should pay its bills. That was never in dispute. However, reading the posted story, it didn’t take much to recognize there was more to it. First, the contractor focused too hard on trying to play the victim and FSF was the big bad guy. Second, it reeked of revenge. The contractor requested everyone reading his rant cancel their memberships in protest. And here’s the kicker, some people did! With no more information than that given by a disgruntled party in a civil dispute, people not only canceled memberships but went on personal tirades about freelancers, the gym, uppity gays, blah, blah, blah.

FSF released a statement a couple days later detailing more of what was going on. And as suspected, it was much more than them just refusing to pay a bill. The contractor missed not only content but also deadline delivery. It goes one step further. His contract had been canceled and he no longer had legal access to the domain! So not only did the contractor act unethically, he also broke the law. And yet FSF was the bad guy. I don’t know who is ultimately “right” in this whole ordeal, but what is clear is it was a civil dispute between two parties that should never have been made public in this manner. I will add, having seen the mess that was their website during their grand-opening, it certainly adds up.

Here is where my rant really comes in today. Even after more of the real story came out, many still bashed FSF and went on to claim “support for freelance developers.[3]Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.  Truth no longer mattered, only the person’s personal bias. On a tangent, having done freelance web-design for many years, I can speak from experience. If I didn’t deliver a product as promised, I didn’t expect to get paid. And if I did get paid, it wasn’t the original price. I certainly would never stoop to taking down a companies’ domain over a dispute. One, said practice is a very grey area legally and two, it certainly doesn’t encourage more business knowing you resort to such tactics. Two wrongs don’t make a right. The moment the contractor stooped this low, he lost any moral high-ground, if he ever had it to begin with.

Facts matter people and so should the truth. This is but one example of many I could cite lately. We all have personal biases, no secret there. But we also have reason. When you allow your personal bias to trump reason and then go on to compound the issue thru denial, you marginalize yourself (and your argument). Life rarely deals in absolutes and trying to have an absolute ideal is often a recipe for failure. Don’t get caught up in the sensationalism and/or mob mentality. And just because a “friend” shared it with you on Facebook, take the time to understand an issue before going all holier-than-thou.

We are better than this. We do not need to stoop to such tactics to be taken seriously. You can support a cause, group, or ideal w/o blindly ignoring facts, reason, or simple logic.

References

References
1 Formerly Gold’s Gym
2 Which is not a big business by any means, they run 4 gyms
3 Completely forgetting how far the local franchise has gone out of their way to support our community lately.

GGP

For “God’s Gentle People”

Not even 12 hours after my post, the nasty-grams started rolling in. As always, new comments are held for moderation. It’s always a pleasure reading some of the nasty vitriol that people of faith can sometimes spew. And as always, while you may disagree with me, even vehemently, you may not make personal attacks on me. Not if you wish such comments to ever see the light of day. Such nonsense is deleted at my sole discretion.

I did get one semi-decent personal email message. What started off as rhetoric turned into, what I felt, was a disingenuous effort to call me a hypocrite. The person had obviously taken the time to read thru some of my blog. [1]Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle  For the sake of brevity, I will ignore all the religious quotes as they mean nothing to me. In a nutshell, the commenter implied that because I talk about my adult struggles and even my mention of being compulsive in the past that I am a liar. He goes on to attempt to hammer home many of Mat’s points about the “destructive gay lifestyle.”

If you’ve taken the time to read my previous rant or any of Mat’s stuff, you discover very quickly he blames a huge chunk of his own shortcomings and failures in life on being gay. Mat, regardless of the reasons, made some bad choices in his young gay life. [2]It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.  Those choices are a reflection on his growth (or lack) as a man, not his being gay. Choosing dark paths doesn’t make being gay the fault anymore than being straight would be at fault. Attempting to do so is nothing more than denial. And just because Mat paints us in over-generalizations to combat his own denial doesn’t make it true. One has only to look at the thousands of LGBT couples getting married all over this country now to see we just want to be equal. We want to be able to establish our families and be recognized under the law. And yes, many of us get caught up in some of the negative aspects of our community. But that doesn’t make us any less deserving of love, respect, and equality. Self-destructive behavior isn’t gay or straight, it’s human.

As for me, I make no bones about my openness regarding sex. I do NOT live a life based on puritanical restrictions. I also make no secret that I struggled with compulsiveness surrounding sex. I fell for many of the failed coping mechanisms that Mat did. But instead of blaming my own failings on being gay, I accepted myself. I worked on discovering why I was so compulsive and worked to correct it. I grew as a man, shedding many of the insecurities that plagued me as a youth and pushed me into some destructive or excessive behaviors. So you see dear reader, I am not a hypocrite. But I do not live in a world of absolutes so I don’t see it as you do. I live in this world with its many complicated, messy, fallible humans. Nor do I live a moral code based on fear of what might happen to me after I die. I chose to be good because it is the right thing to do. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I struggle. My failures do not make me less deserving or make being gay inherently bad.

I stand by my words and my advice to Mat. I hope he finds peace. But I don’t believe he ever will until he lets go of trying to deny what he is.

References

References
1 Actually, I think he reads a lot! lol By the end of his rant, he seemed to have almost come full-circle
2 It could be argued it is too easy to fall into this type of crowd but the evolution of our coping mechanisms and societal suppression is a much broader post for another day.

Caught

Some of you will probably remember my Dear Kid open letter in response to a poster child for the ex-gay movement, Matt Moore. Matt’s story was slightly different as he wasn’t claiming to not be gay but just not embracing it. He has his own blog where he often laments his struggles. He also wrote a “Dear Kid” letter which I took offense to and attempted to rebut several times on his site and then of course, my own follow up open letter.

Well, as you may have heard Matt got busted posting a profile on grindr recently. And while many are saying, “I told you so” that is not my purpose here today. I truly feel remorse for this guy. It breaks my heart that he has locked himself into a self-reinforcing delusion that is fed by his faith. He laments his being gay and then blames many of his mistakes in life on being gay. He goes on to infer over and over that all gays are the stereotype and therefore the gay lifestyle should be avoided as unhealthy. Don’t even get me started on how he rationalizes away the thousands of couples getting married all over the country now that it is legal. And while I see his overgeneralizations as a disingenuous, maybe he never experienced anything but the stereotype so he actually believes we all live that way. I don’t really think so but am willing to extend the benefit of the doubt. Plus, it is easier to avoid the truth when you are able to conveniently label everyone into neat little packages. The problem is humans are never that simple and never fit just one mold. Labels, while sometimes appropriate, do not define us.

How very convenient for him that the mantle of being gay can be so wide as to shoulder the blame for all his life’s woes. I can only imagine what my life would be like today if I’d taken his path. I probably would have already killed myself to be honest. Having already lived thru the conflict that he goes thru, I would never wish that on a single soul. It destroys your self-worth. You become desperate to accept anything that would help you explain it away. Naturally, religion offers an easy out. You get to absolve yourself of the “sin”, blame it on the devil, and then turn it all over to someone else to handle for you. Frankly, I prefer to have a code of conduct based on being a good man, not based on fear of what some all-powerful, yet oddly selfish, supernatural being might due to me after I die.

I hope that someday Matt can break out of his self-hatred and shame and see himself and the world more objectively. I fear he is on a path to destruction and I feel powerless to help.  He is blinded by ignorant [1]and often deliberately mistranslated dogma that teaches him to hate himself. He is he finding out the hard way that dumping your problems on a deity doesn’t really pan out. Of course, there is more dogma to counteract that failure so the cycle continues.

Being gay isn’t always a walk on the beach. It can be a rough road full of heart-ache, pain, disappointment, etc. But how is that any different from the rest of the world? Some might argue it’s easier to “get by” by pretending. I’d argue how’s that working out for you? Being gay has it’s challenges, no doubt, but that doesn’t equate denying who/what you are. Blaming being gay for your own insecurities and failings in life will not make it all better. It may make a convenient scapegoat but that only lasts so long. Our culture has issues, many grown out of coping mechanisms from being under constant attack but that does not make being gay inherently bad anymore than being born with blue eyes would. How may of those issues would be nonexistent if young gays grew up in a society not fixated on hating/condemning anyone different?

In my mind, it boils down to acceptance. You can accept that which you cannot change and strive to live a life that makes you happy and fulfilled, or you can hide from what you are and live a life of misery, self-hatred, distrust, and fear. Both will be filled w/mistakes as we are human after all. But which sounds better? Only you can decide for you.

References

References
1 and often deliberately mistranslated

Message

So I got a snotty message from someone on growlr the other day. Apparently, because I didn’t answer his first reply buried in about 100 other messages I’ve yet to open that made me a stuck up asshole. Who knew? I used to try to be polite to folks like this and explain things but I honestly don’t have time to help validate your insecurities online. Seriously, I can understand disappointment. We all go thru it. But if you get that worked up over someone not replying to your message, grunt, poke, jingle, woof, or whatever, then I highly recommend you log off the internet.

I’ve rambled before about our technology outpacing our ethical ability to keep up so no need to beat that horse again. Unfortunately, I did send back a bit of a snotty message. I shouldn’t have as it should be beneath me.

Dear random person.
I’m so very sorry that you are upset that I didn’t immediately drop everything I was doing to instantly see and respond to your 12 messages. You see, your message got buried in my queue filled with 100 or so other very important growls [1]Growls are like smiles or woofs, it’s basically an automated notification someone is saying hi. that I haven’t gotten to yet. I’ve been meaning to quit my job so I’d have more free time to respond to every single request , no matter how vague or how far away.  ~ Moby

Yes, it was a shitty reply. I own that. I was cranky and it hit me at just the wrong moment. After a recent rant about my politeness, I sort of have egg on my face.  I could have just deleted it and moved on. No need to chastise me, I’m doing that well enough on my own. Two wrongs don’t make a right and I need to strive to not be so snotty, even if it was deserved.

I would humbly ask, if you are an online user (lord knows we all are), recognize that you are projecting an expectation onto others who may not have the same expectation.

References

References
1 Growls are like smiles or woofs, it’s basically an automated notification someone is saying hi.

Cognitive

My big word of the day, Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is basically when a person(s) hold simultaneous beliefs or ideas that conflict thereby creating dissonance. Our id will not tolerate too much of said dissonance and often times something has to give to resolve the conflict. A good example is the whole fight over nudity here in SF. [1]The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example  The issue has really been good blog fodder. Not only the issue itself but also some of the observations surrounding it.

It is my opinion that many involved could not resolve the idea that someone could be both against public nudity and be progressive or liberal. Others couldn’t resolve the idea that gay men who love Folsom, Dore, and all that comes with that could also support the ban. I would call that a pretty clear case of CD. Being unable to resolve the conflict resulted in lots of name-calling, outlandish statements, and overall disgust at how SF has become fascist, Republican, and/or conservative. This created an enemy that didn’t cause conflict, could be blamed, and thereby restoring balance in the id. Oh, and any gays who were vocal about supporting the ban were also labeled as uppity, prudes, outsiders, greedy, and/or selfish. Same result different variant. [2]And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.  The very idea that you could be both gay and for the nudity ban was simply inconceivable to many. Some expressed their outrage just over that very fact.

There were many other issues at play here but this was something that struck me in a profound way. It was also very divisive. I had friends on both sides that were very passionate over it. Once I realized what I was seeing, I actually pulled back a bit to watch things unfold. It was like a weird science project. I swear I should have been a psychologist because I totally dig it. Lol Then you have the problem of filtering out the conspiracy nuts, the ignorant, and all of the personal bias. The latter being a mountain unto itself. So many were just randomly spewing nonsense. The mob mentality online is bound to be a thesis for someone somewhere.

Back on point, I don’t have a clue how we can work to better this. Belief is a powerful thing, as evidenced by the grip that organized religion has had over society for centuries. The problem I see these days is that belief seems to no longer be reliant on facts. For myself, without knowing the facts or details, I try not to go all holier-than-thou. That in itself would solve a lot of problems. I also try to be honest with myself if I have a personal bias over an issue. For example, on the nudity thing, some people that know me were very surprised at my reaction. They assumed I’d be all up in arms over it. And I’ll admit it did give me pause. I see no harm in nudity, or sex for that matter. I think our puritanical culture here in the US is extremely biased against sex in general. But as mentioned, it was more about a lack of respect IMO than the actual nudity. I also recognize a need for boundaries and respect for others.

The idea that a father of a slain child could be heckled by gun fanatic is another very striking and shameful version of cognitive dissonance. It was also a lot of other very shameful things but I was very sad to have read it. Anyway, the point of my little ramble today is it helps if we try to look outside the box from time to time. Instead of ignoring facts, we should embrace them. We should also realize that labels do not define us as individuals.

References

References
1 The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example
2 And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.