Category: culture

Observed

In the vein of my last post I thought I share some follow up observations. Pride as a celebration/protest/march/event has changed. It continues to change every year. This should not be a surprise as our community has seen the fastest change in acceptance of any civil rights struggle in the last century. What Pride means to me is different from someone experiencing Pride for the first time. And of course, Pride as an event as always been a bit subjective. For some it is a celebration, for others it is a protest, and for some still it is an act of defiance.

The Pup and I did our first Pride together this year and I still found myself getting a little choked up. To my surprise, he mentioned to me later that he had as well. I often spend as much time looking out across the see of attendees as I do the parade participants. Looking out across the sea of people still gets to me every time. It reminds me of where I came from and where we are headed. It doesn’t matter if they represent me or look/act like me. No matter our differences in life, I always feel connected to them in a common thread that is humanity. We are all but mainstream now. For some that is a blessing and others see it as a curse. Either way, our often treasured events are no longer just ours. They are shared by others, some who just come to party. I don’t begrudge them. [1] Even if I begrudge some of their drunken antics  For me, Pride will always be a celebration of that dawning realization I was not alone.

That being said, the Pride of the 70’s/80’s/90’s is gone. As with life, all things change and as fast as we change, so does our celebrations. I do lament that many of the younger generation will never take the time to know the struggle of those before. They won’t know the pain, the heartache, and even death of the many souls who fought for us to be seen as humans; deserving of the same respect and treatment as our straight brethren. But having freedom doesn’t mean others should comply with my way of thinking or acting. The alphabet of letters we’ve assigned ourselves and others are all welcome at the table. Just as freedom should not be contingent on compliance or conformance, neither should equality.

*
Many of my frustrations with Pride (and other gay events) has little to do with us as a community and more with society as a whole. We devolving in many ways. If we don’t pull away from the indifference, selfishness, and anti-intellectualism that is plaguing our society, we are in big trouble. I fear for ‘our’ celebrations because of this. But I digress. Our own alphabet community, while tied together in common struggle, is beginning to unravel and fight against itself. Having tasted the sweet fruit of equality, we are abandoning our tolerance and acceptance of our differences. We see the world thru the lens of black and white and anyone who would disagree, even in the slightest, is often labeled the enemy.

There is an emergent polarization erupting in our rainbow colored spectrum. We have those who embrace our newfound equality and those who rail against it. The former are labeled sellouts and conformists and the latter are labeled freaks and anarchists. While both labels may be true in some instances, such overly broad generalizations are not helpful. Some of the antics from both sides in the last year have made me ashamed to be called gay.

Each of us is responsible for our actions. We can choose to mire ourselves in the obscurity of the masses because it is easy and comfortable. Or we can choose to lead a path of truth, even when it isn’t always convenient. You have to ask yourself, which path are you on?

References

References
↑1 Even if I begrudge some of their drunken antics

GHHD 2014

So the GHHDs [1] Gay High Holy Day are fast approaching. Pride is just around the corner. It was around this time a year ago that it dawned my dumb as that I was in love with a man, aka The Pup. He was in NY and I was in SF. So Pride has a sort of an additional meaning for me now. hehehe 

It was also the time when the shameful Prop 8 was thrown out in California. Pride in California took on an additional meaning as a result. I think this year’s Pride will be equally significant as every single state in the Union has either had rulings that same-sex marriage bans are unconstitutional or currently have lawsuits working thru the courts to that end. I think it is safe to say that the tide has turned in the fight. It isn’t over but it is no longer an uphill battle IMO. We still have a hill to climb in the fight for equality for our transgendered brethren. [2]I have a few more thoughts on the increasing internal squabble about certain phrases later 

The Pup and I are headed down to Phoenix the week prior. I get to meet his parents for the  first time. I’m not at all nervous as I have him so I’m cool. He is looking forward to the trip. It will be his first time back since the move to SF. We’ll be back in time for Pride here. Phoenix celebrates their Pride much later. I’m sure due to the extreme heat in the summer months. Anyway, we don’t have anything major planned. I’m sure we’ll go to the parade and the fair for a bit.
*
And right on cue, the whole Pride-bashing brigade is in full swing. It happens every year now and frankly I’m sick of it. I’ve tried to gently educate folks over the years but I’m over the entitled self-serving attitudes. If you don’t like it, don’t go. But, shut your pie hole about trying to say no one else deserves or benefits from it. If you don’t think we need pride anymore than I encourage you to hop over and read this. When these attitudes and problems are no longer prevalent across America then I might agree with you. The article is a few months old but still happened recently. And just because YOU don’t need or appreciate Pride anymore doesn’t make it any less relevant or needed.

Why do we need to celebrate Pride, the straights don’t have a Pride day?  Well, let me tell you why. We don’t have Pride to show we are proud of being gay. We celebrate to show we can walk down the street w/o persecution or attack. We celebrate the hard-earned freedoms we’ve fought for in the last 3 decades. We celebrate our ability to be treated as an equal. There may come a day when we don’t need Pride but we are most definitely not there yet. Until we secure freedoms in every state for us as well as our Trans brethren the fight is not over.

Pride has become a corporate sell-out. And how exactly are they expected to put on such events when the community no longer gives money? Those corporate donors you whine about are floating (pun intended) the costs so we can have an event. If you don’t like that then I strongly encourage you to start donating monies to help offset the costs. Providing even the basics is not cheap.

“Those” people don’t represent me. That may be true but many of those people are the reason you have the rights you have today. They may not represent you personally but they are part of our community whether you deem them worthy or not. And frankly, if you would like to see more diversity in our represented numbers then you should step up and help. Have a float, go with a group, or walk with banners. Don’t not participate in any way and then sit back and whine about being under represented. Even better, next time look out across the crowd and see all the less colorful people enjoying the show. They do represent us because they are us. The people in the parade are not the only representation of us.

Too many straights are coming and ruining it for us. Yeah you are right. Shame on all those straight people for showing up in solidarity and supporting us. How dare they invade OUR event. I meant they could go just back to hating us, bashing us, or tying us to a fence in the cold to die. I mean it just boggles the mind that as we move into being mainstream that the straight community might want to partake in our events. I find this excuse the most insulting and arrogant of all of them. We’ve fought inequality for how many decades and now that we are finally on the road to achieving it you are mad that the straight community is embracing our events? How very selfish and hypocritical.

There are too much drinking and drugs. And this one is true but it is also not new. This has always been an issue. If you think the fair sells too much booze then you should volunteer or go to the community meetings about Pride. Reach out to your community members that run the event and give feedback. As for the drugs, it is a much larger systemic problem and has never been just during Pride. See a pattern forming here? Get involved. Don’t complain and do nothing, otherwise you are part of the problem, not the solution.

We have come a long way, not doubt, but we are far from equal. The story I linked to above is one example of thousands. Having been in a similar situation in my youth I still remember my first Pride. It was so affirming and empowering. It made me realize I was not alone. I would never deny that to a single person. And until we secure the same equality for our Trans brethren, the fight is not over.

Indifference is not a reason to stop having Pride. And because you may no longer need or want it does not mean it has no more value. You do not get the right to whine and complain and then do nothing. Or I should say you have the right to complain but your words are hollow and meaningless. If Pride is just not for you, that is perfectly fine, but don’t bash it simply because of that.

“Those” people are the ones who are still fighting to put on these events. They are the ones working their asses off so it will happen. They are the ones bouncing on floats to put on a show and help draw crowds. When you begin to step up and make a difference, then your opinion will matter. Many of us have fought so hard for so long to just be accepted, we are comfortable fitting in and not drawing attention. I get it and support it. But that does not equate to doing away with any and everything that might draw attention to us. Nor does it mean that everyone wants to confirm and ‘fit in’.

We need to practice what we preach and be tolerant of others. We need to step out of our indifference and be accounted for if we want to affect change within our community. Most of all, we need to stop with the idea that if it doesn’t benefit me directly then it isn’t worthwhile and should be done away with.

I hope that you have a safe and happy Pride.

References

References
↑1 Gay High Holy Day
↑2 I have a few more thoughts on the increasing internal squabble about certain phrases later

PrEP

So I’m diving head first into a topic of news lately regarding PrEP. *This is a bit of a long post today so grab some caffeine*

If you aren’t familiar with the term PrEP, it stands for Pre-Exposure Prophylactic. [1]Not to be confused with PEP, Post Exposure Prophylactic. The same drug is used for both The drug Truvada has been on the market to treat HIV since the late 90’s. It was recently approved to help with the the prevention of HIV transmission for individuals that are HIV negative. This news has been received with some very mixed reviews from within the community and the fight over it rages on.

The disturbing part is not that the decision is contentious but that there have been attempts to silence or shame anyone who has embraced the option. I must say I don’t really understand the latter. Even worse, much of the criticisms are based on ignorance and baseless (so far) assumptions. I get the advice for caution and concern but the level of vitriol and condescending attacks is unnecessary and counter-productive. If you don’t understand something don’t ramble on about how awful it is because ‘you know someone will abuse it.’ As often turns out, you don’t know and that ignorance can cause real harm in this instance. You have zero right to demean anyone who would choose a path that may help prevent them from getting HIV, even if that path doesn’t line up with your personal preferences.

I blame some of it on our conditioning in Western culture to hate our bodies and/or any idea of sex outside of coupling. We are institutionalized from birth on 1man+1women=babies. Well, that social construct doesn’t apply so well for us same-sex lovin’ folks. And having moral apprehension to a method to prevent the transmission of HIV is perfectly fine for yourself. Sex is not dirty, wrong, or shameful. And this continual shame based approach to sexuality is reprehensible. Frankly, it should dispel any remaining allusions that we are in any way unique or more evolved than our straight brethren.

This particular argument isn’t about personal standards. It is about the prevention of HIV transmission. Infections are once again on the rise at an alarming rate. [2]Ironically, many don’t stigmatize the treatment of other STDs, like Gonorrhea or Syphilis, that used to be considered terminal. And while HIV may not be the death sentence it once was, it is still incurable. It is time to branch out and embrace more ways to combat the spread. The ‘you should use a condom’ argument has soundly failed, as evidenced by the continual rise in infections from a generation that missed the mass die-off in the beginning. And why we of all people continue to fall prey to this failed ideology escapes me. The ‘you should’ method has never worked. If it did, we wouldn’t have teen pregnancies, drunk drivers, continued HIV transmission, or even wars for that matter. You are right, people should use a condom. Many do but many more don’t. It is time to fight the transmission from a different angle and from as many angles as we possibly can.

There are some pros and cons to going on PrEP. It isn’t for everyone based on your risk-factors, health, eating/drinking habits, relationship status, etc. If you have questions or concerns, ignore all the hype and drama. Talk to your health care professional about it. At the end of the day, what I or anyone else thinks you should do is irrelevant. You should act to protect yourself and if this would help you, then you should consider it.

*

For my own view, I support the approach to limit the spread based on sound statistical evidence. So far, the studies are showing that PrEP is truly effective in preventing the exposure and spread of infection.

One big argument I hear has been people will use condoms less. Statistically, so far that proves to be inaccurate. Two of the studies (which use blind testing – meaning you never know if you are getting the real drug or a placebo) showed that overall condom use did not decrease. But let us assume for a moment that people did. How many times have you trusted a complete stranger to be honest about their status? And how many times have you engaged in riskier sex based on that belief? The way I see it, we have several scenarios [3]excluding needle sharing where HIV transmission can occur:

Both partner’s know they are neg.
This is a fallacy. You should never assume someone who has sex with others besides you is neg. But let us assume for the moment, both partners think they are neg. You aren’t in a monogamous LTR and you engage in unprotected sex. Not being on PrEP means you are at the highest exposure rate for transmission. Being on PrEP would mean the ratio of transmission is reduced significantly (As much as 95% without a condom according to the efficacy rates of the studies so far).

One partner doesn’t know his status.
I would argue most of new transmissions via sex happen when one partner doesn’t know his status or assumes his status hasn’t changed. Again, if one of you are on PrEP, the exposure rate is reduced significantly.

Only one partner is neg.
Usually this means the poz partner is already on a drug regimen and undetectable. (You should still ask)  Plenty of sero-discordant couples already weren’t using condoms prior to PrEP. In an LTR or not, now the neg partner has an extra layer of protection and assurance he is not at risk. Not only does this reduce the transmission, it also de-stigmatizes the fear that comes from being with a poz person. Knowing you can be with a poz person and not put yourself at risk helps many who want to get past the mental mind-block, overcome their fear, and move forward.

Both partner’s know they are poz.
These are the least of your worries. These guys know their status and sero-sort on purpose. Primarily, to avoid the afore mentioned stigma that comes with being poz. I’d argue the only time this becomes an issue is when you get into assuming again. “We’re barebacking so he must be neg”, meanwhile, the other guy is thinking “We’re barebacking so he must be poz.” Never assume anyone is neg.

So which category do you fit in?

There are some cons and real concerns to consider. The biggest concern so far is the idea that guys will go on it inconsistently and cause resistance. Keep in mind resistance is only relevant if you sero-convert to being positive. Adherence to the daily regimen is key to the drugs efficacy. But think on this for a moment. The drug is already used for post exposure. Say you aren’t being very consistent with taking it daily. Then you have an exposure. How many of you reading this wouldn’t, out of that same fear, start taking it every day after an a possible exposure?

So far, the medical community is much more worried about resistance from folks that are using it as treatment, not preventative care. And let’s be real, people who spend the time, energy, and money to get on it as PrEP aren’t being cavalier. I’d argue they are doing just the opposite. It isn’t just a simple prescription. You have to visit your doc every 3 months, at least for the first year, for regular checkups and blood work. That decreases over time but you see my point. And when has a doc ever given you a prescription with an unlimited refill amount? See, when you think it thru you start unraveling some of the preconceived notions.

Another issue is cost. Fortunately, most large insurers already cover it so if you have insurance, chances are higher they do cover it vs not. I won’t even entertain the conspiracy theories I’m heard on this one.

And then we get to side-effects. The are some rare but sometimes very serious side-effects that can come from long term use of the drug. That again, is why you discuss it with your doctor and get regular blood work. Almost two decades of use show overall it is well tolerated by most. Even still, you are not given a prescription and never return. The hype over some of the more serious side-effects has been quite dazzling. I encourage you to go to WebMD.com and do a search for both Truvada and the little blue pill. [4]I don’t want to attract the bots so I’m not spelling it out. lolol No one is up in arms over the side-effects of the latter, which by definition aren’t much better. You can choose pretty much any drug site of choice to do a comparison.

In the end, you have to decide for yourself if this is right for you. If you are someone who uses a condom without fail (pun intended) then it may not be the choice for you. However, if you find that you aren’t 100% consistent and/or just want an extra layer of protection, then it might be for you. Talk to your doctor. Talk to others who are on it, regardless of their status. Decide for yourself if PrEP would be an additional way to combat the spread of HIV for YOU.

/rant

References

References
↑1 Not to be confused with PEP, Post Exposure Prophylactic. The same drug is used for both
↑2 Ironically, many don’t stigmatize the treatment of other STDs, like Gonorrhea or Syphilis, that used to be considered terminal.
↑3 excluding needle sharing
↑4 I don’t want to attract the bots so I’m not spelling it out. lolol

Passport

My biggest yet completely arbitrary complaint on the cruise is I couldn’t get my passport stamped in either city. They simply just don’t do it. I asked several times to no avail. I so wanted a stamp on my passport to show I was now officially a world traveler and it was ruined by the tourist industry being so reliable! lol Damn hippies. Heehee Seriously though, I was rather disappointed.

The cruise went to Mexico via Cabo and Puerta Vallarta. One day in Cabo and two days in PV. The boat itself was kind of an odd configuration of gaudy and tacky all in one. It made for fun conversation and fodder for several of the on-board comedians though. Speaking of, I got to see the ghayto-fabulous Kathy Griffin. She was funnier than ever with a routine totally geared toward ripping gays and their sexual proclivities. I think I busted a seam I was laughing so hard. Of course, the boat had a dance party planned every day. Some were Tea dances and others were just dances. Some were costume style, others were just based on the style of music. Beyond the parties, there were a variety of comedy shows. Dixie Longate and Miss Richland 1981 were both in attendance. The trifecta would have been complete if Miss Coco Peru had been on board. Lest I forget, Deborah Cox was on board as well. Kathy was the highlight for me, but all of the shows were very good.

Cabo was somewhat depressing. I didn’t see the whole city obviously, but what I did see made me sad and angry. Unless you go for the fishing or ocean expeditions, you probably won’t enjoy it.  Well, unless you stay on the boardwalk which is lined with restaurants, shops, and high-end brand name stores. The rest of the city appears to live in abject poverty. The moment we stepped off the boat we were bombarded with ‘vendors’ practically begging for sales of tiny and or useless trinkets. I admit it was a big shock. Children coming up and asking to sell chic-let gum was saddening. The vendors weren’t shy about telling you they needed the money either. We aren’t talking 3rd-world conditions but the level of poverty was a total surprise. Overall, I came away feeling the city had a veneer of commercialism spread thinly over a population in poverty.

Puerta Vallarta was a thriving city. It is obvious a huge component of their economy is tourism but it didn’t have the depressing feel of Cabo. It wasn’t just an attempt at a city wrapped around a port of call. The landscape and scenery were very appealing. The city had a tropical feel that was very relaxing. The gay section was remarkably large and seemed pretty well accepted. We saw local couples walking the streets and holding hands. No one batted an eye. The streets were all cobblestone which made for some interesting taxi rides. Over all, it was beautiful, friendly and inviting. And while it had an element of poverty, it was much more in line with what I would consider normal for any city. It was funny seeing so many guys of the boat going into the local “pharmacy” for medications you can get w/o a prescription there. heehee.  We only had time to visit a couple of the local bars. The Lanoche had a simple yet beautiful roof top deck. The bartenders were ‘very’ friendly. If you happen to go that way anytime soon, say hi to Louis and tell him Moby sent you.

Overall, it was a great experience. For PV, I think I’d just fly in next time and stay for an extended weekend or even a week. I didn’t get to see near as much as I wanted. As mentioned, I got totally homesick on the way back but I am glad I went.

Grey

Someone asked me via social media if I was planning to dye the grey out of my beard since it is getting more noticeable. The answer was no.

I admit, the first few stragglers were nipped out but after a bit it just seemed pointless as there were plenty coming in. I don’t mind it at all. I started greying around my ears about 10 yeas ago. That region is full on grey now. haha My beard has only gone greyish in the last year or so. It doesn’t bother me one bit.

Age comes to us all and being someone who never expected to see my 40’s, I’m perfectly fine with how I am. Seeing grey hair on other guys never bothered me when I was younger, I guess it should be no surprise it doesn’t bother me now. I’ve seen plenty of men where it even  enhances their look. I won’t go so far as to say that for myself, I just don’t mind it.

Oh sure, the vanity in me wishes I was less wrinkly, more buff, blah blah blah. Some vanity is natural but when it overtakes reason, you often see some bizarre results. Anyway, I have no plans to dye my beard, my mustache, or my remaining head hair.

So far, there hasn’t been an invasion down there. And even there I don’t think I’d mind. I’m more focused on the functional parts vs the colors, if you catch my drift. And so far (knock on wood) that function functions just fine. hehehe [1]Just ask my Pup

I know many men get all stressed over it as it shows age and is often inappropriately associated with old age. Meh, I can’t be bothered. I’m still in the best shape of my life and I’m much more focused on that. Anyone who would deign me out of reach is not my concern. It just seems so silly. I still don’t understand guys who comb their hair in odd ways to cover up their baldness. In most instances, it only makes it more noticeable. Of course, if recent research pans out, balding may become of thing of the past.

On the flip side, I don’t think less of anyone who does.  If it is that important to you then who am I to say you shouldn’t. If you don’t end up looking like a Warner brothers cartoon character and it makes you happy, I say go for it. It just isn’t for me. And what works for me doesn’t work for all. I know several guys who wash the grey out and it looks fine because they don’t go overboard with unnatural shades of color. I would argue if your attempts to combat baldness or greying make you look worse, you should just give up the fight and accept it.

Grey or no grey, I’m still just me. I can accept the signs of age even though I don’t always want them.

References

References
↑1 Just ask my Pup

Sport

I was reading a friend of a friend’s story about sports and growing up as a gay man and it got my wheels a spinning. His story was very different than mine and somewhat surprised me. He explained he often felt disconnected from the community because he could find so few gay men into sports. Apparently, it caused some struggles and heartache over the years for him. Growing up loving sports and being gay, naturally he wanted to find others to connect with and share in the experience. You’d think that would be a no-brainer for me. hahaha

I’ll admit, I’d never thought of it that way. I never once connected that someone might feel alienated by the lack of gay men who play sports. Growing up the way I did, it just never occurred to me. All these years I’ve lamented over having sports ruined for me by my father. I never once took into consideration others might have gone a different path. The realization certainly made me appreciate his story more. I’m a little embarrassed to say I never made the connection until now.

I grew up hating sports. My father [1]I think deep down he knew I was gonna be gay made every effort to make a ‘man out of me‘ by forcing me into sports. Everything in my existence as a boy and potential man became tied to sports. So naturally, I grew up hating sports, especially football. You’d think being such a homo-erotic sport, I’d love it! Nope. To this day, I get annoyed and bored the moment someone flips on the TV and a football game is on. I can’t help it. No matter how hard I try, I cannot find an ounce of enjoyment out of watching football on TV. I’d sooner go dig in the dirt.

On a related tangent, it should come as no surprise that some gay men grow up thinking that being into sports makes them more manly or makes them less stereotypical gay. *yawn* Nothing could be further from the truth. But, if you wanna see a textbook example of how we develop coping-mechanisms to combat insecurities, it’s perfect!  (And hysterical to watch) But again, a tangent and one we should save for another day.

I did eventually find a sport that I enjoy, hockey. One of a few sports my father never hit on so I’m not surprised. I used to go to hockey games a lot back home when it was way more convenient. When I was in Boulder, I also got to indulge in the Denver team. Here, the getting to/from is a struggle as the closest big team is in San Jose. And with my work schedule, it is pretty much impossible. That being said, I still follow the sport and teams. Not avidly but I keep up. The neanderthal in me loves how brutal hockey can be. You have pads but it is a rough ass game. The nerd in me loves how simple it is to play.

*
On a side rant, The Pup is big into softball. He plays in gay leagues in Phoenix pretty often and clearly wants to join the league here. My roomie is also a big softball player. Naturally, The Pup wants me to play.  Truth be told, I find that I actually want to join. Not because of an overriding love of the game but simply because it is a new form of interaction. I think it will be fun to see gay guys playing. My only fear is that they will be overly competitive. If the leagues here focus only on winning, I can assure you I will lose interest and quit. Winning is fun and gives you an incentive to get better, duh. No one wants to lose all the time, but winning shouldn’t be the end-all purpose of the game, at least not to me.

I’m not ashamed to say I have probably zero skill. I haven’t played since high school and even then it was sporadic. They have teams that start out with mostly players at that level so I’m not worried. I doubt I’ll ever be a ‘heavy hitter’ and that is ok. I have size and some agility so I think I’ll be a decent player. I would like to develop the skill, improve, and be able to hold my own while playing with a team. But beyond that, I’m really just in it for the fun.

References

References
↑1 I think deep down he knew I was gonna be gay

Split

I’ve been intrigued by some of the fallout over gay divorces lately. I surmised as we reached for equality many would brush aside or not even realize what that equal footing really meant. Now we see the down side of it, in other words divorce.

Many rushed forward to say those wonderful two words w/o truly considering what it meant. Sadly, some are discovering the unpleasant down side now. Gone are the days of DPs that can be dissolved with a simple signature on the dotted line. Welcome to the bitter brawls over assets and custody of children and pets. You no longer have the luxury of just splitting up and going opposite directions anymore. And I won’t even comment on the indignant outrage many have expressed over it. Welcome to true equality. It’s called community property because that’s how the divorce court sees it. okuuur?

And don’t get me wrong, I support our right to get married 100%. That will never change. Being equal under the law is a fundamental right. The fact we are still fighting for it in many states is an embarrassment to humanity. But now that we are finally obtaining that goal, we must take stock in what that truly means. We cannot be special but equal, only equal.

I’ve always been a big believer in levels of commitment in the legal form. And I think this is true of straight couples as well. Start out with a DP which bestows next of kin rights to your partner w/o necessarily committing to communal assets/debt. This gives you both time to test the waters to see if this is for the long haul. Then when you really think it will survive, go for the full enchilada of Marriage. To me, that would make total sense but I am not sure that will happen.

I think what will happen is you will see many cities and states do away completely with DP registries. We, like straights, will have two options, single or married. California so far hasn’t done anything. Living in SF, I currently have three options. City DP, State DP, or Marriage. The city DP gives you insurance and next of kin rights but requires no communal property. The State DP gives you pretty much the rights of marriage including communal property. The State DP also gave you joint filing on your State income taxes. Now that Marriage is legal once again in Cali, there may be no real need for the State DP anymore. The only difference I could see is if you didn’t want federal recognition, then it would be of benefit.

There has been some talk at the City level of doing away with the local DP registry. It hasn’t come to fruition yet but it would not surprise me. I hope that they don’t though. I hope they keep them separate to continue to give people a choice. Like many things in life, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Regardless of whatever your options are in your city, town, or state, take the time to really think things thru. Do a little googling and educate yourself. Gay or straight, asking for a pre-nup doesn’t mean your love or commitment is any less real. It does mean that you are taking a precaution in case things don’t end with a happy ever after. Fairy tales were meant to inspire not to delude. Being in love is a wonderful feeling [1]don’t I know it!, but don’t let it overwhelm your decision making skills. And for the record, you can dissolve a pre-nup at anytime you wish. You can even build a time-limit clause into it.

And to answer your burning question, no the Pup and I are not at that stage yet. I certainly hope the day will come but we aren’t there yet. He pretty much owns me anyway but that’s a whole other type of contract. hehehe

References

References
↑1 don’t I know it!

Burn

People always seem surprised that I don’t go to Burning Man. I’m not sure exactly why that would come as a surprise but ok.

Having read their official site, FAQ, and supporting links, I just don’t see the point. I’m not bashing it, I just don’t get it. Not getting it doesn’t make me against it in any way either. [1]I’ve gotten hate mail in the past for daring to discuss a different POV. lol  My only real disagreement is their assertion of “radical self-reliance.” I don’t call packing everything you need to survive for 8 days radical. I call it being prepared. Living in a desert open space isn’t conducive to self-reliance on the environment. Maybe it’s a minor point but it feels slightly disingenuous to me. I wonder if growing up actually relying on the environment to provide for me has jaded me a bit. My idea of radical self reliance involves living off the environment with little to no assistance from the outside world. Pumping in electricity, water, food, sanitation facilities, and Internet is not self-reliance IMO. lol

Anyway, I appreciate a lot of the artistic effort that goes into the event. Some of the displays and constructs are truly a site to behold. Many of the costumes and over the top displays can be equally artistic and beautiful. Is it enough to interest me in camping out? Not really. The reason I mention it is because I’ve begun to hear grumblings from many about how the event is changing. Like anything new and exciting, it is bound to grow and evolve over time. The question is can it survive the increase in size and still maintain the integrity of its roots? Ironically, said issue is discussed on its official site.

Much of the feedback I’ve heard this year has been very 50/50. Some swear it is a life-changing event and revel in the freedom of it. Others complain of feeling ostracized and the very clique-ish feel that is developing. I can’t speak for either side, but have noticed a very distinct shift in the feedback. Time will tell if it will become a victim of its own success.

As for me, I’m not for or against, it just doesn’t appeal to me. From the positive side, I hear a lot about the spiritual connection it invokes. Having found my spiritual center, I struggle to see a need here. My meditation and readings feed my spirituality and I don’t feel it’s lacking. So this aspect doesn’t appeal to me.

Then there is the living off the grid and/or self reliance. Well, I practically lived off the grid most of my childhood. Beyond having electricity, we had no phone or cable. The internet didn’t exist yet. Our water was from a well we drilled. We hunted, fished, and/or grew 90% of our food. Several of my younger years included living with an out – house vs indoor plumbing. My closest neighbor was 3 miles in either direction. The closest emergency room was 50 miles away. I guess this might have spoiled this aspect of the event for me. lol

The artistic expression is probably the single thing that interests me. Being the only interest, it is not compelling enough to make me endure the hardships and fork over $400 for said experience. The latter only meant as a declaration, not a negative vote.

So there you have it. If you’re an attendee, first-timer or OG, feel free to share your experiences.

References

References
↑1 I’ve gotten hate mail in the past for daring to discuss a different POV. lol

One

Well, I guess it was inevitable. I’ve gotten several questions on whether The Pup and I were planning to be in a monogamous LTR. I’m not sure why exactly it was a reoccurring question but whatevs. lol  One person’s implication was that if I really wanted it to work then I should be willing to give up being open. I guess all my gushing here and elsewhere has led some to think I’ve abandoned my previous rants in favor of this new relationship. If you read with any regularity you should know the answer to that question is no. If anything, my breaking my own rules has been the bane of my previous LTRs. lol  A huge part of why The Pup and I are getting along so well is because I haven’t abandoned what I want. To be perfectly frank, this was just as easy for us to assimilate as everything else has been between us. [1]ok, I’m bragging a little here. I just can’t get over how much he and I seem to agree on things so easily.

I support anyone’s right to be in a MLTR (Monogamous LTR)) but it is not for me and it is not something I want. I’d rather stay single than lock myself into something I don’t want. Yes, it is flexible and not an all or nothing agreement. Yes, it is important enough to me that I wouldn’t enter into an LTR with a restriction I didn’t want. If we weren’t on the same page then we wouldn’t be truly compatible.

Lawd knows, I’ve ranted here a plethora of times regarding my thoughts on the issue. We as gay men and women have the unique opportunity to set our own rules and standards. We are not bound by institutionalized traditions based on gender-discordant [2]my new term for straight couples relationships. While we can follow in their footsteps, we aren’t bound to. A subtle but important distinction. And the point of my rant today is The Pup and I are of one mind on the subject. It works for us. But because it works for us doesn’t mean that I insist that it works for everyone.That would be as equally foolish as those who insist monogamy is for everyone.

Many seem to think I’m against monogamy when I’m not. Just don’t expect me not to point out flaws in the rather common yet failed logic often used to justify the monogamous-only approach. I support it when it is based on a fundamental desire vs insecurities and a form of control.

Hopefully that should clear up any confusion on the subject. Smile

References

References
↑1 ok, I’m bragging a little here. I just can’t get over how much he and I seem to agree on things so easily.
↑2 my new term for straight couples

Punch

I had a few bizarre episodes lately where people thought it was ok to inappropriately touch me or expose themselves in public. *Coworkers – uh um….TMI for you, read at your peril.*

One was back over before Pride. I’d gone to a friend/coworkers pool party. Being in Martinez and there was most definitely drinking involved, I opted to take BART vs riding my motorcycle. And naturally plenty of ‘drunks’ occured. On the way home I apparently forgot about the “last car” rule on BART. [1]Shortly afer moving to SF, I discovered the last car on BART is often open to ‘shinanigans.’  Being in my somewhat inebrieated state, I’m relaxing in my exuberence when I notice the guy in the seat directly across from me touching himself. And not just a little, he was going at it.

At this point, two things are working in his favor. One, I’m obviously drunk and two, I’m obviously drunk. And I know what you’re thinking, but no, nothing untoward happened on my part. lol I did however watch in a rather unfocused fascination as he finished his manual labors, which did not take long. I promptly giggled and then rolled back over and rejoined my previous half-sleep delirum. Later I almost thought I dreamed it till I ran into him and he made some overt attempts to engage me. This episode didn’t end poorly as it was more of just an experience. Sadly, the next two did.

About a month ago. I was walking thru the hood mid day doing errands. This youngish kid comes stumbling out of Sadlands with an older girl in tow. He was sort of on my awareness but didn’t give it much thought. That is until he promptly reaches up and grabs my nipple. Then he had my complete attention as I whirled around and confronted him. The ONLY reason he didn’t get punched was because I immediately noticed his age and drunkiness. Had he been neither I think I would have actually decked him right in the nose. I was furious. That restraint; however, did not stop me from cussing his ass out and telling his rather snotty friend to shut her pie hole before I did. The part that infuriated me the most was when I realized what he was doing, I shrugged him off and he tried again! Keep in mind, this is mid day and I’m not leaving the bar with him. I’m not standing around outside cruising. I’m some random guy walking down the street with my dog doing my thing. I’ll be the first to admit I can be incredibly incorrigible and not the least bit shy. But I also know that unwanted touching is considered an assualt in all 50 states. Had I given this guy any eye contact or the remotest idea I was into him this story would have gone much differently. Having only registered him on my radar in passing and then have him brazenly try to grab me twice was not acceptable. Was I worried he’d harm me? No, of course not. I was twice his size. It was the blatant disrespect and lack of contriteness that set me off. So anyway, I think he will think twice next time before attempting to fondle a random stranger. On a funny side note, I have never seen Cooper be aggressive. And while not aggressive this day he clearly knew something was up. All the jovial antics to get attention went out of him. He made no moves or growls but his body went into a locked rigid position and he was ‘eagerly’ focused on the guy. For a dog this is a clear sign of agitation. It is very unwise to try and touch a unknown dog when it is giving off such body language. Anyway, I’m curious if he would have done anything had the situation escalated. Since he did not growl or move he didn’t get scolded but it did make me aware my lovable pup can be defensive. Something to this point, I thought impossible. Even when other dogs are aggressive, Cooper usually just shrugs it off.

The last episode was a couple weeks ago. Apparently, a local guy who’d seen my ‘social’ profiles decided it was ok to walk up and start touching me. Literally, he walks up to the side and just behind me and starts playing with my butt. And not in a ‘hey how are you‘ sort of touch either. lol And again, in the right situation and the right cues, I’d could just as easily do the same thing. But this was none of that. I’ve never seen this guy in my life. We’ve never interacted directly. Once again I confronted said person with a few choice words peppereed with a few colorful words. And his response was the real surprise. He said he thought it was ok because he’d seen me on a couple of ‘sites.’ And of course my response was, “and how the hell does that in anyway translate into you sexually assualting me in public?’ Now that I had his undivided attention he begun to realize his behavior was over the line. Short of my profile having some sort of declaration that said behavior was expected or encouraged, it is not ok and I said as much. Just because you saw me online doesn’t equate to you assaulting me in public. He was miffed and more than a little embarrassed because I was not quite in my admonishments but I think he got the picture. He also ruined the chance to make a friend because of his behavior, which from the gist of his statements indicated that was his intent.

It wasn’t that I personally felt violated or in danger from either of these guys [2]even though others might have, it was the absolute lack of respect and assuption of familiarity that upset me. I’m not a stand-offish person either. I like physical contact. But that contact needs to be appropriate and/or warranted. Any behavior that encourages it like flirting, eye contact, conversation; anything that would have shown a two way interaction and acceptance of physical contact is perfectly fine. But to assume you can touch or grab someone in a non-sexual situation is liable to get you one punched or two arrested.

The moral of the story boys and girls? Look, don’t touch until the offer to touch has been expressed. Otherwise, the outcome might not be pleasant.

References

References
↑1 Shortly afer moving to SF, I discovered the last car on BART is often open to ‘shinanigans.’
↑2 even though others might have