Category: culture

Cait

Unless you live under a person who lives under a rock, I’m pretty sure you already know where I’m going with the title. hehehe Everyone is up in arms (repeatedly) pretty much anytime Cait opens her mouth these days.

And if you have been under the rock, Caitlyn (Cait) Jenner, formerly Bruce Jenner, is transgendered and came out to the world not so long ago. Her ‘coming out’ was a big revelation and brought the fight for our transgendered brethren to the national stage. Then the problems began. Our shining new role-model had a different secret. She was a life long Republican and those views ran contrary to her new existence.

As her public appearances increased in her new role, her continuing support for those views showed a conflicting mess of greed, entitlement, and indifference. Our new model was saying and supporting many of those in politics who are against her existence. The backlash has been swift. For myself, I’m not really surprised. A lifetime of affluence has bred a selfish desire to maintain her own status.

Cait should be a lesson to the rest of us though. We have a chance to learn from her. We, as a society and a community, often conflate being famous w/being a good role model. Even after repeated and re-repeated scandals in the news almost daily, we still seem to hold onto this belief. Life and people people don’t exist in the absolutes of black & white. They exist in a spectrum of greys. Good people can do bad things and bad people can do good things. That distinction, as always, is important.

Cait as a famous figure, has brought a lot of welcome and needed attention to the fight for trans folks. Her willingness to come out was and is a big deal. It pushed the trans movement that much further into equality. We should celebrate and take advantage of it. Her continued appearances as a trans person lends authenticity to their existence and also reduces fear. It normalizes an otherwise normal existence made scary by ignorance.

Cait’s acceptance is separate from her conflicted and often shameful views. I can accept her as she is and still condemn her views. Further, Cait doesn’t have to conform anymore than gay men had to to gain equality. She is allowed to have her own beliefs, however hypocritical. She is no different from a gay republican. She is still entitled to acceptance. The distinction between the two is important because it defines the very right of equality. It is not ok to attack her status or existence simply because she is a hypocrite and blithely unaware of the struggles many less affluent trans folk face. Condemn her hypocrisy. Call her out on it any and every time but don’t resort to demeaning her existence. By doing so, you legitimize the idea that trans folk are not worthy of equality.

The lesson we can learn here is equality is not based on how well you behave, believe, or conform.

Too Old

I’ve reached an age where people have started asking me “if I’m too old for [insert behavior] that.” One of the biggest is video games. Let me just say, anytime you ask someone if they are too old for video games, you clearly don’t play video games. If you played with any level of frequency, you’d know better. Most video games are made for young men but they appeal to a broad spectrum of players. And with ‘mobile’ eating into the console market, it will only get broader.

As I’ve mentioned here, I don’t mind aging. I don’t have a desire to chase my youth, as the phrase goes. The shortest answer I can give anyone is I’ll be too old when I’m bored or dead. Beyond that, I just giggle and keep going. And honestly, even if the person is too old for something, if they are happy and not hurting anyone, who cares? I kind of used to be that way. There was this guy back home that dressed like he was a teenager. He was well into his 40’s at the time and it was painfully obvious. I admit I kinda looked down on him a bit. I thought he was trying to hold onto his childhood. But so what if he was. He never harmed me or anyone else by it. And he seemed happy. Shame on me for looking down on him. Being an adult doesn’t mean you can’t have fun or do things you enjoyed as a child/teenager.

To date, I’ve been asked if I’m too old to: ride motorcycles, rollerblade, play video games, watch cartoons, wear tshirts, and even to blog. There are more but you get the point. Who sets these arbitrary age limits anyway? hehehe Anyway, while I’ll probably stop riding motorcycle/rollerblades some day, I’m no where near that day yet. I love cartoons, albeit animated movies mostly these days. I’ll play video games until they bore me or my fingers are too gnarled to mange a controller. I will always wear tshirts and who knows how long I will continue to blog. I will say I won’t give up on anything because someone thinks I’m too old.

 

Large

In case you missed it, my blog buddy Large Tony is back! I guess he missed us too much. hehehe

LT is one of my longest reads next to homer. [1]Well brettcajun too when he surprises us with new updates. LOL  I stumbled over his blog roughly a year or two after I started my own blog. His sense of humor, southern manners, and generous “writings” made for regular read on my list. His style is often laced with adult topics but once you start reading, it is hard to stop. hehehe This is his 4th venture into the blog world. Each of his previous blogs served a purpose in his life and when one came to an end, the blogworld heaved a collective sigh of disappointment. This time he seems to be back for the pure joy of blogging.

If you get a moment, hop over and say hi. Maybe you’ll get hooked on his great stories about Granny, the Attorney, himself, or random adventures in discovering first world problems of a man with certain ‘blessings.’ heehee

We missed you T and glad you’re back.

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↑1 Well brettcajun too when he surprises us with new updates. LOL

Q-word

I ditched one of my regular news reads today.

Based on what appears to be a completely internal narrative, the Gay Voices section of the HuffPo [1]Huffington Post decided to change their name to Queer Voices. The explanation is that gay is too limiting and Queer is somehow more inclusive. Really? Are you effin’ kidding me? One of the most vile hateful words out there and it’s more inclusive? Hell naw! Even the normal definition is divisive.

I just can’t bring myself to support a news org that willingly uses a derogatory slur to describe us. Actually, I can but I won’t. I am the last person to be the word police but this isn’t about being politically correct at all. The rambling article they put out to announce the decision was full of self-serving justifications. If anything the tone was we refuse to every be considered normal or part of the whole so we are changing our name to prove it. The entire piece felt insulting and condescending wrapped in a smile of ‘we’re just trying to stay current.‘ Well, they can stay current w/o me and go straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to hell.

I normally don’t put much stock in hearing people talking about how ‘offended’ they are at [action of choice]. Being offended usually just means you don’t like something. As with a lot of things these days, people conflate ideas/actions/behaviors that are considered offensive to society at large with general every day actions they don’t like. Regardless, I was offended and deeply. I grew up listening to that awful word being hurled around as an insult and slur. While I was fortunate enough to escape childhood with only a little physical gay-bashing, I did not escape the jeers, taunts, and never-ending cruel names. ‘Queer’ was front and center and I will never willingly refer to someone that way. It has not lost its bite or derogatory meaning.

The argument that we are somehow reclaiming the word is absolute bullshit. It is not slang, it is a slur! [2]I’m struck here by the irony we can’t say tranny anymore which is just simple slang but we can use a slur to refer to ourselves. SMDH Even here in SF said term is not accepted. Oh there is a contingent that feels the need to refer to themselves that way for sure. And that is their right. You can call yourself whatever you wish but don’t presume to speak for the whole. It’s flat out disgusts me we could consider naming a section of an online publication with global recognition with such a shameful slur. And I’m not alone. The reaction was swift and almost unanimous. The decision is not being met well at all. At last count the article was up to 200 comments and almost all were against it. At one point comments appeared to disappear; however, the site is notorious for outages and glitches with the FB commenting tool.

I am not queer, I am a man who happens to be gay. My orientation adds to my uniqueness but it does not define me. The idea that being queer somehow exclusively makes me special or different is foolish. Call it the LGBTI voices, rainbow voices, etc but don’t call it queer and pretend it’s OK now.

So far there have been no updates, no apologies, no "we had the best intentions" acknowledgments, nothing. I’ve taken them out of my news reader and told FB to not ‘show me stories from HuffPo’ at all. There are plenty of welcoming places online that don’t decide, based on the ideas of a few, renaming themselves an offensive slur is "looking to the future." I won’t be going back to that site as long as they demean us.

end of line

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↑1 Huffington Post
↑2 I’m struck here by the irony we can’t say tranny anymore which is just simple slang but we can use a slur to refer to ourselves. SMDH

Top

This is a bit of gay adult themed rant today. You’ve been warned.

I’ve noticed a particularly annoying trend lately in various social media outlets. Basically, someone will show a compliment to a hot or attractive picture by commenting "top" as a one word comment. I must admit, I’m SMDH [1]Shaking my damn head over this one. When I see this I’m immediately hit with a sense of sadness at the failed progression of our community. It is a self-reinforcing stereotype. And lest you think I’m overreacting to a simple comment, I’m not. I’m pointing out one part of a large pattern of self-destructive behaviors. Pick any medium for gay men to connect and you will find 1) people pretending to be something they aren’t or used to be, and 2) people afraid to admit their true desires out of fear of being marginalized as inferior or effeminate.

While the fight for equality is moving right along, we are moving backwards in our attempts to destroy old stereotypes. We seem intent on creating new even more restrictive ones instead I find it incredibly sad and pathetic we are still doing this to each other. The idea that to be considered attractive, muscular, successful, etc one must be a top reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. How you look, dress, act, or behave has zero determination on your sexual role in bed. The fake bravado and never-ending attempts to appear masculine are just tired. For myself, I’ve just started assuming most of the loudest blowhards online are bottoms afraid to admit it. And I say that as a declarative statement, not a slight. The beard craze has sadly started taking on this role now as well.

We will never overcome the idea that being a bottom or the receptive partner during sex is somehow inferior unless we stop marginalizing each other. My first thought is to block the person because, as the saying goes, "I just can’t…" but that seems counter productive. Of course trying to mention it online just leads to flame wars and who has the time or energy for that? I’m definitely tarting to see why many older gay men withdraw from the community over time. They finally reach a point where they overcome the trauma and fallout from a lifetime of discrimination and they are left with a community at war with itself. I refuse to be like that but I admit I’m at a loss for solutions.

It is no easy task facing our own insecurities, but I’m living proof it can happen. Oh, I still have them but they do not drive my behavior anymore. I got where I am now because I spent over a decade of my life focused on healing myself and growing past my fears. I consider myself very lucky to have accomplished it with so little outside help. I now find myself struggling to find a way to help others and those around me. Don’t fall for the idea that being [insert stereotype of choice here] somehow makes you better or worse. It doesn’t. And you only end up hurting or alienating yourself in the long run. Be true to yourself. Be authentic in all that you do.

For many years, I listed axioms on my About page I try to live by. I took them down as they are such a part of me now I no longer need reminders. I think I will bring them back. One of them, and the most difficult for me to learn, I kept posted on my mirror ever day for over a year. It reads, "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission." I’m not sure who originally made the quote but it’s been used and reused quite often. As I struggled to identify and overcome individual insecurities, this axiom became more and more clear and a part of my daily thinking. It is the foundation for overcoming a need to meet or be a stereotype or unrealistic expectations.

I hope that if you are reading this and struggle with how you feel perceived by the "community", you can benefit from it. And if you’ve been fortunate to overcome it, please share your struggles and success with others when given the chance.

Hope springs eternal…

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↑1 Shaking my damn head

45

Guess who’s year older today? Me!  lol  Forty five years old and still going strong.

Funny, in a lot of ways I don’t feel 45. I’ve always felt young for my age so that really isn’t a surprise. I thought I would have grown into it by now though. haha  In other ways, I definitely feel 45. After my last rant about my back, I’m clearly not as spry as a I used to be. My body, against my best wishes, is starting to show its age. The grey that used to be just in my hair has taken over my beard and is encroaching on my chest. Is it normal for grey hairs to travel down the torso as one ages? I always thought it started at the bottom and worked its way up? My wrinkles are a little deeper and a little larger in number. Anyway, I don’t mind my age. I certainly don’t resent it. I know a lot of gay men start missing their youth to the point of distraction around this time. Not me. Sure, I wish my body was still younger but aging is part of the human condition. I like my wrinkles and grey hair. And unlike some, I don’t feel inferior or less relevant as an aging gay man.

But let’s face it, much of our original culture revolved around being young and attractive. [1]I say original culture because it is definitely changing now  Actually, it’s even simpler than that. It revolves around sexual attraction. In that regard, when you delve past the differences, straight men really aren’t that far removed. I realize I’m generalizing here. I’m not attempting to marginalize all of us into one category. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, a lot of guys around my age and older grew up fighting for an identity as well as being accepted. Of course, also being men into other men, sex and sexuality was a big part of our emerging culture. Sadly, many of us developed coping-mechanisms to compensate for our struggles. Many of those coping-mechanisms became wide spread and part of our culture over time. But being part of our culture doesn’t necessarily mean it’s healthy for us. On a tangent, it isn’t surprising really. We had to overcome stereotypes that portrayed us as weak and inferior on top of fighting to find acceptance in society. Our ‘culture’ grew out of abandonment, rejection, and an underlying need to belong. And mixed in with all of that was fear, anger, loneliness, and desire. The sexual freedom became a trap many of us couldn’t escape.

For myself, I was very insecure as a young man. I found my validation thru sex. And without realizing it, it became a very compulsive habit. It was a fix for a need I could never satisfy. It became a viscious circle and I consider myself very fortunate to not only have discovered this in myself but also be able to overcome it. A success due in no small part to my blogging. And most surprisingly of all, I found strength in myself. [2]To this day, I still get a little surprised to have found it in myself  That strength allowed me to let go of detrimental coping-mechanisms and move on. I can tick off a list of areas in my life where I found the most growth. Realizing my self-worth should come from within instead of how I was perceived by others was one of them. Frankly, I see gay men all the time who have yet to realize this. You can’t overcome what you don’t see as a problem. They often just grow bitter with age over what they perceive to have lost and resent it. Or more astutely, they resent those who still have it.

So here I sit a 45 years old. My life isn’t perfect and neither am I. But I like my life and who I am. I have regrets but they are overshadowed by my accomplishments. I still look forward to my future. In the best of ironies, when I was younger I never thought I’d live to be very old. Now I find myself looking forward to old age.

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↑1 I say original culture because it is definitely changing now
↑2 To this day, I still get a little surprised to have found it in myself

Follow

I got into a rather odd conversation with a casual friend on social media the other day. Apparently, he was ‘disappointed’, as he put it, that I had yet to accept his friend request on ‘site C’. He follows me already on Site A, B & D, but somehow my not accepting him on site C was somehow an imaginary slight. In the end, he seems to have “unfollowed” me on said sites. I’m devastated. /sarcasm

I’ll be honest here, I don’t get this sort of behavior. Even if you are a good friend I know in person, I may not follow you on every site that we might mutually be on. I use different social outlets in different ways. Sometimes our interests may overlap enough that I follow someone on multiple sites. Sometimes they don’t and I won’t. That is pretty much the end of my reasoning. The implication I got was that he felt since we were ‘friends’ I had an obligation to follow him? It seems a bit odd to me to base a ‘friendship’ on whether we follow each other online everywhere.

Now this particular person and I have never met in person. Granted, that wouldn’t be an immediate reason either way. I stalk follow several people I’ve never met daily. Heehee But, I also don’t feel any obligation to follow people I know on every site I’m on. Actually, if I know you in real life, I feel like I’m obligated even less.

Is this a thing? Is there something that has developed as some bizarre unwritten rule? I’ll be breaking it if it is but I’m just checking.

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And on a related tangent but not the same person, if you block me [1]and we know each other in the biblical sense because we have differences in political views, be sure to block me again when you get kicked off of Facebook and create a new profile whining about getting kicked off for posting nudie pics. It saves us both the awkwardness of being recommended in the “People who may now” section…

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↑1 and we know each other in the biblical sense

Brand

Unless you’re a stranger to the internet, you’re probably aware of the ongoing drama with a certain brand name getting raked over the coals for bashing their own.You’d think that seeing the outcry they would apologize and shut up for awhile. As of today, they continue to dig-in in an every expanding failure to defend comments that should have been kept private. [1]Do these people not have publicists?  And frankly, no matter how you slice it, the comments were demeaning. 

You can think whatever you like and are even free to say it, but you are not free from the consequences. And acting like spoiled little brats doesn’t after the fact doesn’t improve your standing. If you own a brand name directly associated with your name is it really a good idea to insult many of the people who help make you wealthy? It is a hard lesson in the changing world though. No one is immune from the viral effects of the internet. 

As for the calls for boycott, I’m not really for it. Not every disagreement needs to result in a boycott. If I purchased their products, I’d probably stop as a personal decision. I would not however try to ruin them for simply disagreeing with me. Being free means people are allowed to disagree, even our own. Boycotts should be for those who actively work against us, not just anyone with an unfavorable opinion. Calling for a boycott marginalizes the big issues and minimize their effectiveness as well. 

Hopefully, they’ll just shut up and let things die down again. People will forget and move on to the next big scandal. However, the more they run their mouth the more inflamed it will become. 

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↑1 Do these people not have publicists?

Civic

Everyone is jockeying for the moral high ground after the Ferguson verdict. Social media is a shit-show of everyone pointing fingers at each other. I won’t even go into all the judge/juries that have appointed them selves verdict makers on Brown/Wilson’s implied guilt.

I feel like I have a unique perspective on the subject. [1] No surprise there right? lol   There is my work side that deals with law-enforcement issues every day of my career. I can see valid points from the officer’s story. There were several things Brown could have done to avoid the confrontation. Then there is my gay side that grew up at the hands of very rough and not so friendly police on more than one occasion. I can see valid points from Brown’s family. The police could have handled the situation better and not necessarily let it escalate out of control. 

The reality is neither side is blameless. No one has the moral high ground here. And no one should walk away feeling like they lost/won. We all lost. People often can’t resolve the cognitive dissonance created by the ambiguity of fault or blame. And because of this, we can’t admit that neither side is blameless. Brown refused to comply, Wilson overreacted. [2]Please spare me unnecessary rants on the variances of this over simplification

No matter who’s side you are on it still means nothing unless we act. If we truly want to fix these problems, we must move beyond the never-ending and condescending tantrums via social media. And while petitions and marches in the streets are excellent displays of solidarity, they are not enough. These things depend on someone else to fix our problems.

We as a citizenry must be involved. We cannot abandon, thru indifference, our oversight of those we place in power and be surprised when it suddenly becomes corrupt. Civic duty is not just serving jury duty or voting, begrudgingly. It is our guaranteed right thru the freedoms granted us. But we must exercise those rights. It should not be something we only do when it is convenient. It should be a part of our daily lives. [3]Do me a favor and read this paragraph again  If more of us get involved, we won’t need to constantly focus on blame. We’ll be in forums to constantly give oversight, feedback, and accountability to both sides.

Basically, I’m saying be involved or shut up and accept your servitude. It is that simple. Like any living thing, democracy must be fed or it dies from neglect. Go to your local police community meetings. If they aren’t offered,  rally your neighbors and friends and demand they have them. Go to your governing body’s public meetings. Call, write, and/or email your local and state leaders. And don’t do it once and call it good. Involvement is ongoing. Embrace your civic duties. Then and only then can we see real change.

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↑1 No surprise there right? lol
↑2 Please spare me unnecessary rants on the variances of this over simplification
↑3 Do me a favor and read this paragraph again

GHHD #3 2014

Well, it is that time again. Gay High Holy Day #3 of 2014 aka Folsom St Fair.

For most of you, time to dust off your leather and don your favorite pair of come-f**k me pumps. The weekend promises to be muggy and warm so be prepared for stickiness. [1]Both kinds If you’re visiting, be safe and don’t trash our lovely city. If you’re local, traffic is going to be a mess. 🙂 Either way, be smart and don’t drink and drive. PD will be on the look out. MUNI, BART, Uber, Lyft, etc to wherever you need to be.

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I’m having trouble getting into the spirit this year. I’m just not overly motivated. Nothing is wrong, I just can’t seem to find any excitement. Actually, besides my slightly wonky eye, things are awesome. You’d think being The Pup and I’s first year together with him living here, I’d be super excited. I feel a tad guilty as I’m probably dragging a little of his excitement down. I’m sure once we get out into the festivities I’ll perk up.

We got tickets to Real Bad this year. I haven’t been in a couple years so I’m sure it will be fun. The guys always do such a bang up job putting it together. The fact it is a charity certianly helps soften the blow that the tickets are $100 (after tax) a piece now. ​

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Feel free to ingore my "meh"-ness and enjoy the weekend! Be safe, have fun!

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↑1 Both kinds