Category: culture

No Tramp Zone

I’ve been catching up on my blogrolling and I stumbled across Dunner’s posts on gays and public sex. On his first rant, I think he sorta failed to explain himself. I guess after a spirited debate he decided to clarify his positon. On his second rant, he is much more to the point. That said, I still think he is missing the bigger picture.

First off, I have a lot of respect for Dunner and he is one of my favorite reads. I often find his rants to be very insightful and fair minded. I’m usually in agreement w/him on most topics. I think he is more articulate than I am which only serves to increase my interest. That said, I do find at times, like today, our opinions differ. I think it has a lot to do w/age. Granted at 34, I’m only 10 years his senior. But 1o years on the hard side of life can be a good teacher. From what I’ve read of Dunner, his life, while not w/o tribulations, has been blissful by my own standards. If anything, I’ve learned that when it comes to life and society, there is never an easy answer or quick fix as it were.

In a nutshell, Dunner states that if we ever expect society as a whole to accept us then we have to curtail our promiscuity in public.

It’s the same reason why we need to expose hypocrites like Jim West, politicians who spit antigay rhetoric and then expect pity when they own up to their homosexual behavior. If we create a society where it’s clear that gay relationships and gay sexuality are to be as respected as their straight counterparts, life will be easier for all homosexuals, and true equality will be found. But if we’re to expect to gain equal respect for gay sexuality, we gotta cut out the tomfoolery in the public steam room and instead find healthy ways to express it.

As I see it, that is sorta putting the horse before the wagon. If we are still battling for the right to even get married, how can we expect to “find healthy ways to express it.” Our over zealous need for sexual release stems from our constant repression. So from my perspective, we have to fix the problem itself before we can work on fixin the symptoms it has created.

Pop on over and have a read if you haven’t already. Andymatic also weighs in on the subject. What say you?

Man Smells or Stank?

I guess I’m on a bitch fest this week.

Something I’ve noticed while living here. It is one of the few things that annoys me about SF. There is this trend it seems of guys being into ‘pits, man smells, etc.’ While I love a a fresh pit, I’ve discovered most of these folks are referring to not bathing. I’m not a big cologne person. It is just not conducive to the climate here to wear lots of cologne. That said, I bath often, use a low smell deodorant, and the rest is el natural. I’ll be the first to admit I love the smell of a guy after a fresh workout and he is all sweaty. I think many (I’m guessing) will agree it is a turnon. However, that same smell tainted by bacteria and stale sweat four days later is NOT.

I bring it up because I’m standing in Daddybucks yesterday waiting my turn for the restroom. This tiny old leathery wrinkled looking thing comes saddling up next to me in line. Forgetting for a moment, he is eyeing me up/down as if I’m to be his next meal, I’m all for niceties. We exchanged “hello, great day out, blah blah blah” and then the stench of him hit me. OMG! I literally thought I was gonna puke. This guy was as ripe as they come. I scooted away to get myself out of his range. Needless to say it didn’t work. Thank the fates I was next in line and quickly escaped.

Yesterday wasn’t my first encounter w/said phenomena however, it got me to wondering how the hell do people get stuck on quirks like this?

Multiple Dating

I cross posted this from my tribe. I got some great and honest responses so I thought I’d post here as well and see what you folks think.

So heres a question. Can you or do you date more than one guy at the same time?

I’ve never been able to pull it off successfully. I know in the straight world it seems perfectly acceptable to have multiple suitors until one is chosen. However, I always end up feeling guilty and two-faced and it ALWAYS seems to happen to me.

I met a really nice guy a week or so back and we’ve just begun getting to know each other. I then run into another guy at the gym and we hit it off as well. Now the second guy wants to start dating as well.

Of course, TH is the one I was referring to. And if I had to go just on looks, I’d go for TH as he just does it for me in that area.

I probably over analyzing it but I made a promise to myself this year that I would take care of me first. Should I play the field and see whats out there? I usually just end up feeling so damned guilty as if I’m cheating. My best friend T usually says, “unless there is a ring on my finger, I’m still single and that means I can go out w/whoever.” Well, true but I’m not built that way.

This sorta goes back to my “Good Man” post. I try to be a good guy because I know thats what I want in return. And I wouldn’t want some guy I’m into two-timing w/someone else. And for clarity, I’m not referring to sex. Sex is so easy to find in this city. Its like pizza, you can go online and order in. I’m talking about the emotional aspects.

I’ve already made up my mind on how I plan to proceed but I’d love some feedback. (Write it down folks, Moby is actually ASKING for help!)

A Good Man?

Today was my first venture out per say since getting sick. I decided to hop over to the Eagle for some socializing. Not bad. Ran into some friends but didn’t see the ones I had originally planned to.

So while I’m there, I happen to bump into a guy who I have been a bit “biblical” with. He promptly gives me a quick wink and then proceeds to avoid me the rest of the time. I tend to find this type of behavior amusing now however, it used to bother me a lot. Having matured a bit, I no longer assume something is wrong w/me. While this exchange is occurring, I hear my group discussing a rather worn out topic. “Where are all the good men?” So this got got me to thinking. (brains and liquor…hmmm?) How many times have I heard this? I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard guys go on an on about how there are “no good men” left in the dating pool.

As it turns out, I run into an old bf (no, not THE ex). M and I dated very briefly. He got annoyed that I wasn’t able to offer more at the time and stopped calling. So years later, we are friends again. Back to the story. We decide to have dinner tonight and he rants/raves about how he has given up on dating. I caught myself counting, waiting for the catch phrase. I swear, I counted in my head. 1…2….3…wait for it….4….5…BAM! “There are just not any good men around anymore!” There it was. I laughed and continued the conversation not feeling the need to go on about it.

What is a “good man”? The older I get the more I am of the belief that a successful relationship is not based on how much you love someone but on how much you are able to put up w/him. Wait, before you think I’m just being bitter, let me clarify. The success of an LTR I think depends on how you treat each other in the bad times. The good times are easy and require no control on your part. On the other hand, in the bad times we tend to show our base selves. It is at this critical moment that I think determines how successful a LTR will be.

Had I applied this train of thought to my previous relationship, I might have saved myself the heartbreak. I routinely make myself out to be a martyr as far as my ex is concerned. And while he did do a lot of things wrong, I have come to realize that I had a part to play as well. I enabled him to continue the cycle by over rationalizing his actions. This discovery tends to knock the wind out of my sails of self-righteousness a bit.

Here I go rambling again. (focus, focus, focus) IMO, we are usually the same “men” that we complain about. Blame it on society, gay culture, being sex-obsessed, whatever. Nine times out of ten, we bitch about meeting quality men but never do anything to make ourselves a “quality man”. And I’m not talking about muscles or good looks. Muscles you can get but, if you aren’t building the inside no matter how good the outside gets you’re still left w/the same old you on the inside. So as not to sound like a hypocrite, I’m pretty sure I fall into this category as well at times.

My advice to anyone who whines about not being able to find a good guy. Are you someone the guy you want would want in return? If no, then I suggest you become the qualities you seek. And don’t confuse the issue here, I’m not referring to muscles. I’m refering to the inner qualities. As my best friend is fond of saying, “Your looks will get you in the door but, it is your character that will keep you there.”

Strong words to live by.

Hear No Evil

Hmmmm. Me thinks someone needs a timeout.

(story
“Looks like it’s anal sex week,” Lou Novak loudly remarked as a group from the Life Long AIDS Alliance walked though the state House office building.
The group included a 13-year-old girl and a 16-year-old boy. The boy’s family had recently been forced to move because of anti-gay prejudice in his neighborhood.
Novak is first vice president of the Rental Housing Association of Puget Sound, a landlords’ organization.
The leader of the AIDS awareness group, Suzie Saxton of Yakima, followed the man into the public Capitol cafeteria and asked him what he’d said. She said Novak repeated his comment and told her people shouldn’t engage in irresponsible sex and ask for public money.

Now had this been the reverse, every christian group in the nation would call for a ban on any sort of “unapproved” visits.

Am I Popular?

Ok, so trying to pull myself out of the funk I’m in, I’ve been trying to be a bit proactive and get my act together. *stand back folks, this might be dangerous*

I’ve been whining for months now about folding my blog into my domain. Well, I moved it but am still doing updates thru blogger.com. Today, I decided to bite the bullet and upgrade my hosting package so I can utilize WordPress. While doing so, I checked my site stats and got a big surprise. There are a lot more people linking to me than I thought. I try to nab’em all thru Technorian but apparently I ain’t even close. I found 60 unique links from other blogs and search engines in just the past 5 days. I have no idea if that means I’m popular or not but it made for a good headline don’t ya think?

I’m new to WordPress so if the blog goes bonkers over the coming days fear not, its just me tinkering w/stuff. I plan on making a backup just in case I really screw it up good. The template will be changing as well. I really like this one but it doesn’t utilize enough of the page to squeeze in side bars. I haven’t found a new one yet so any references are appreciated.

I’d also love some feedback on blacklists that work w/wordpress for blocking sp@mmers. Blogger does a fine job keeping them at bay but when I’m on my own that will be another story altogether. I’d love one that allows me to approve posts from other bloggers and remembers them the next time so I don’t have to continually approve them over and over.

Any suggestions?

Shame? No, I Don’t Think So

I must be PMS’ing this week. That or I’m still sick, cause this story brought me to tears. Being a cold hearted fag at times, not always an easy thing to do.

I’m hiv positive. i’m not a fucking hero. i’m just a guy who had unsafe sex and i’m paying for it the rest of my life. i was a stupid guy who contracted one of the worst diseases of modern time. yep that’s me. i’m stupid. just call me stupid, but don’t ever call me a hero. yes, i knew the risks. i grew up in the time of aids. i knew how devastating the disease had been to a generation before me. i heard the stories of the death count. i heard about the ways to prevent the disease. i knew condoms, condoms, condoms. i even spoke about hiv prevention in my high school. i was always telling my friends to use condoms. i was a living breathing public service announcement for hiv prevention. that was me. well actually that was just part of me. the other part was an insecure guy who just wanted to be loved.

i guess part of me trusted them. up until that point i’d never been a strong person. i’d pretty much let other people make decisions for me. so anyway, i would sleep with guys. i’d let them bareback me. i was young. i was invincible. i was the straight guy in his new sports car going 95 miles an hour down the highway. i was invincible…or so i thought.

First, let me clarify, I’m a big believer in personal responsibility. That’s not my beef today. And I’m not condoning risky behavior. My issue is a disturbing trend within our culture of treating anyone less perfect than ourselves as “less than human” and just writing them off. Well, life ain’t easy for all of us. For some of us it can be a unbearable unending hell at times. If it were so damn easy to make the right choices then we wouldn’t have tens of thousands of people dying every year from cigarette related cancer now would we? This is a serious problem people. And for the record, I’m not perfect and I’ve been guilty of this fallacy.

The snips above come from MeSouthern, who is an HIV + male. He converted at an early age. By his own admission, he knew of the risks, albeit indirectly, and made some bad decisions. So now should we write him off as undeserving of our sympathy? If you answer yes, then I hope you never know hard times because karma can be an ugly unrelenting teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t we should glorify it either. Far too many guys these days, shake off the horrible aspects of being HIV+. Reality check, HIV is a terminal illness. That means there is NO cure for it. Granted we have some great drugs out there these days but not everyone responds so well and not all of these drugs are easy to take.

…the day my positive test results came back. that’s the day i knew it was time to take responsibility for my past mistakes. the past mistakes of being a stupid fucking whore, not a hero. here i sit now. my body is starting to fail me. it’s been about 4 years, since i got my test results back. i will soon be on meds, that will hopefully keep me alive. yes, i regret fucking every hot guy without a condom. yes, i regret using drugs. i should’ve known better; i did know better. aids isn’t pretty. it’s a very serious disease. it’s going to kill tons of people. it will probably kill me. oh well, does it matter? probably not because i’m a stupid fucking whore, who isn’t a hero. i should be ashamed of myself…

Is this what we are teaching our young people? If you make mistakes, shame on you? You no longer deserve our love/support? If so, then we need not worry about the christian not-so-right folks. We have a far greater enemy in ourselves.

Judge Jack

I’m still felling icky today but thankfully I’ve been spared the high fevers everyone else seems to be getting w/this crap.

Trying to keep my mind on other things I stumbled across this headline from the Sf Chronicle. Remember the Jack’n Judge? You know the guy using a pump to masterbate under his bench during cases. Looks like his career came and went but is now possibly facing criminal charges.

“We’re certainly saddened by the thought that the prosecutor filed charges,” said Clark Brewster, Thompson’s attorney. “We thought all this was dealt with when he resigned. We didn’t feel like anything that was alleged rose to the level of criminal charges.”

Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson’s robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.

Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kurt Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster’s audiotape of the trial.

When jurors at the trial asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn’t heard it, but would listen for it.

Last time I checked, masturbating in public was still a crime in all 50 states.

Me Grown Up Now

I realized after an incident today that I have finally achieved the maturity that comes w/adulthood. If such a thing were possible. [1]My friend Bobby will get such a kick out of this story only because he thinks everyone in SF is stuck up. So Bobby, it finally happened! I got snubbed.

I’m leaving the gym today and this rather attractive fellow was in the locker room preening like a peacock. Ok, let me re-phrase that. This very attractive and very well built fellow was preening in the locker room today. I’m doing my thing, as usual, and can’t help but stare just a bit. He keeps doing all these little obvious tricks to flex a muscle or expose a hidden area. All w/a not so random randomness. After about 10 minutes of this, I’m getting rather bored as that’s all he is doing. I finish my business and I’m about to leave when he crosses my path. Now I don’t know if was offended that I didn’t gawk more or because I didn’t pursue him further. Either way, he gives me this very disdainful once over look and snorts right in front of me as if to say, “your pathetic and nowhere near my league“. And for once in my life, I didn’t give a shit. I wasn’t even offended. I giggled as I shook my head and walked out. Not only that, I got the distinct pleasure of hearing him throw his gym bag down as I descended the stairs.

Let me explain a bit. Just a few years ago, I would have probably done the same thing however, I would have been wounded inside and felt inferior. I would have called him all kinds of horrible names in my mind like poopoo-head or snooty patooty. (where do kids come up w/these names?) All the reasons why don’t really matter at this point. What does matter, is that I didn’t even begin down that demoralizing path of reasoning this time. Jesus H Christ, Mary, Joseph, & David! Maybe there is hope for me in this life after all!

References

References
↑1 My friend Bobby will get such a kick out of this story only because he thinks everyone in SF is stuck up.