Category: culture

Apparently…

I’m an asshole, the ruin of society, arrogant, egotistical, stupid, a sinner, and a dirty cocksucker (Well, the last one I can agree on).  So says a very militant group of supporters on monogamy.  Of course, the other camp called me a visionary, a master of discussion, and a hero.  How ever do I pull all of that off at the same time?  Perception certainly is a funny thing ain’t it? [1]We’ll crack that nut another day.

The truth is, I don’t pull any of it off.  I’m just honest.  I’m also willing to look beyond the confines of what I’m told I must do or believe to what I want/desire.  I’m learning to let go of the fear/worry of what is expected of me by others.  These days, I tend to focus more on what I want me to be.  An entirely different path it seems.  And my post was about me sharing my views on the subject not to convert anyone else.  If you read it again, I clearly ask you to discover for yourself what honestly works for you.  No easy task for sure. 

Clearly, several folks were able to express a difference of opinion without being mean.  And I thank you for it.  I am not so foolish as to cover a topic as touchy as this and not expect some fall-out. [2]I got texts, emails, comments, and phone calls about it. lol  Apparently, I struck a nerve.  However, I ask I demand common courtesy and respect.   In my eyes, you lose all credibility when you resort to name calling and condemnation.  I have no use for such in my life or on this blog. 

And for the more die-hard Moby fans, I posted a follow-up hidden post which shared more of my own carnal views on the subject.  What? You missed it?  Tsk, tsk.  Maybe you should be logged in.  [3]Ok, yes, I’m doing a plug for the blog here.  I do like knowing people read.  Besides, I figure I’ll need a few new readers after my latest rant. lol 

Looking at the bigger picture for a moment, I’m still discovering what it is to be me.  My views on morality, sex, monogamy, etc are just that, my views.  Some things I’ve assimilated and processed other folks never get around to.  The reverse could be said of me too.  I am an imperfect being created by imperfect beings. [4]Totally stealing a sci-fi quote here  As I get older, I realize the truth of that statement.  Not so much what it says on the surface but what it implies underneath.  We all struggle.  We find guides, support, and road-blocks constantly in life.  Perfection is a goal we will never reach.  But it is is not the goal that matters.  It is the struggle to obtain perfection that gives our lives meaning. 

References

References
↑1 We’ll crack that nut another day.
↑2 I got texts, emails, comments, and phone calls about it. lol  Apparently, I struck a nerve.
↑3 Ok, yes, I’m doing a plug for the blog here.  I do like knowing people read.  Besides, I figure I’ll need a few new readers after my latest rant. lol
↑4 Totally stealing a sci-fi quote here

The M Word

Perfectlyflawed asked about my specific views on monogamy. Adam also recently referenced an article on his own blog about the same subject. After doing a search thru my blog files, I realized I’ve only given partial answers on the subject. What better time than the present to put it into a post? I had to really condense it though. There are so many aspects that come into play in relationships however, I’m trying to keep the topic about monogamy.

First, let me list out a few axioms which I firmly believe to be true [1]IMHO,they are documented fact but for some, them is fightin’ words! and represent the bulk of my argument.

1) Commitment and monogamy are not the same thing.
2) Intimacy and sex are not the same thing.
3) Men, by genetic disposition, are less inclined to bond emotionally with their sexual partners.

Just from the above mentioned ideas many often assume I am against monogamy. Not true. My argument is that monogamy is possible just not probable for most gay men. Big difference. I am against applying monogamy out of personal insecurities, irrational fear or as a form of control. We also often forget what works for one may not work for others. We project our own morals or ideals onto those around us. A very natural human trait. However, it is our reason that should save us from false ideologies. What works for one may not work for all.

If one looks at most species in nature, monogamy is not the norm. That is not to say it cannot be. There are some species that often form life-long bonds with one mate. Again, possible? Yes. Probable? No. Back to my little axioms.

1) While monogamy is a type of commitment, it is not all encompassing. The failed assumption I encounter is that you cannot have one w/o the other. IMHO, we get this concept from a paradigm designed for opposite-sex couples to propagate the species. [2]This planet is suffering already from overpopulation so there is no real fear of extinction. And, considering we are bombarded with this relationship model practically from birth, it is no wonder many gay men fall into the assumption they too must follow the same model. Commitment to share your life with someone involves a lot more than sex. Sex can be a big part of that but by no means the only part.

2) While intimacy and sex can be very intertwined they are also not mutually inclusive. From my own perspective, intimacy often involves very non-sexual acts. I often find this to be a big issue for gay men. Out of loneliness, I think many of us are really searching for intimacy and using sex to get it. It can be hard to separate one’s desire or lust from the need for companionship and/or emotional fulfillment. Now throw in varying sex drives and you see yet another failed assumption.

3) Men as mammals have lower levels of the chemical in their brains that causes bonding with sexual partners. [3]I know the name of the chemical but having a brain fart on how to spell it at the moment. That is not to say all men have the same levels. Libido goes hand in hand w/this argument. For some, like myself, with a strong libido, sex is more of a constant need vs a random occurrence. For others who may have lower sex drives, it can relate more to intimacy vs carnal satisfaction. Neither is wrong or right just different. Now put the two together as often happens. Who’s needs should come first? The person with the higher or lower sex drive? Is it fair to ask one to do without because the other just isn’t interested? Well, if he really loved me, he’d be faithful. Relationships are supposed to be about mutual fulfillment, emotionally and physically, not one-sided controls.

“What about the children?” Forgetting for a moment we aren’t talking about children, children shouldn’t be exposed to the sexual exploits of adults (regardless of sexuality) until they reach a level awareness that usually comes w/puberty. However, when children are involved one should be putting the needs of the children first. The rather obvious failed assumption here is that children only thrive in monogamous relationship models because it provides stability. Well, I guess the thousands, if not millions, of us who grew up in totally dysfunctional families can prove that little assumption wrong. How many of us grew up with parents who hated each other but stayed together for the sake of the children. The reality is children rarely grow up even in heterosexual relationships only being influenced by their parents. What about Uncles/Aunts, Grandparents, and family friends? All of these folks often play a vital role in the development of children. Children need love, acceptance, and support. It doesn’t really matter so much where it comes from as long as they get it.

Now figure in a variety of variables like a complete lack of gay role models, environment, childhood trauma/abuse, upbringing, religion, [4]Actually, religion shouldn’t count because monogamy was added to most religions much later. However, religion does play a big part in how we get our view of relationships. the stigma of being gay, etc you begin to see how really complex it can be. Is it any wonder we as gay men struggle to find meaningful fulfilling relationships?

Instead of creating labels, limits, and controls for relationships or prospective ones, we should take the time to be honest. First and foremost, we need to be honest with ourselves about our desires, drives, fetishes, etc. Forget what you think you should be or is expected of you and admit to yourself what it is that really floats your boat. Then comes honesty with your partner(s). If you can’t be honest w/yourself or your partner, you really aren’t ready for any type of relationship, open or otherwise. We often see the fallout from such lack of honesty thru “cheating”. Lets face it, if your needs aren’t getting met at home (emotional or physical) you often find it elsewhere. That or it manifests in other ways like poor health, depression, etc. Either way, you are doing yourself and your partner a disservice.

Here is where I sort of go off topic a bit. Open or closed, relationships are hard work. Many of us rush into relationships w/o really being able or ready to handle it. No shame there. Loneliness can be an ugly and bitter emotion. But to truly conquer it, we have to reach a level of self-acceptance and respect that is not always easy. We need to love ourselves before we can truly love another. We also forget, humans are fallible. We make mistakes. Love without room for forgiveness, isn’t really love but control. I can only love you if you do this or don’t do that. Sound familiar? And just because many men rush into an open LTR [5]People often assume having an open LTR means a complete free for all. Relationships can be open or not in a variety of ways. w/o taking the time to understand it doesn’t mean it is any worse (or better) than a closed one.

Does this mean you might find less prospective mates? Of course it does. But, you are finding less because you are refining your search to those better suited to you vs anyone who expresses interest.

Let the “oh no he didn’ts” begin!

References

References
↑1 IMHO,they are documented fact but for some, them is fightin’ words!
↑2 This planet is suffering already from overpopulation so there is no real fear of extinction.
↑3 I know the name of the chemical but having a brain fart on how to spell it at the moment.
↑4 Actually, religion shouldn’t count because monogamy was added to most religions much later. However, religion does play a big part in how we get our view of relationships.
↑5 People often assume having an open LTR means a complete free for all. Relationships can be open or not in a variety of ways.

Nice

I was pleasantly surprised by the articulate and heart felt responses to the last post. I’m not sure what I really expected however, once again you do me proud.

It is still a sticky subject for me as I lost a close friend not even a year ago. A loss that could have been avoided w/a modicum of knowledge. It still sits in my craw funny as I feel like I failed him in some way. I know it is not my responsibility however, convincing the heart of what the mind knows is not always an easy task.

Anyway, I am please to see most folks, whom do not live local, were open to the idea of dating someone of a serodiscordant status. There is always a margin of error as some folks will still answer what they think you wanna here. That said, it says a lot for how far we’ve come.

Table For Two

I am meeting a guy from bear411 over lunch tomorrow. Not a date because it really isn’t sexual but we seem to chat a lot about geek stuff. I’m looking forward to it. I’m always happy to expand my circle of friends and he strikes me as a genuine fella.

He also works for Tivo and promised to bring me tchotchkes! Hell! I’d put out for that. heeehee. One can never have too much Tivo gear! Seriously though, we’ve been chatting off/on for months and decided to say hello in person. Working an odd schedule, it is hard to have a social life but I’m trying.

Of course, we are having sushi, my favorite food. Turns out he is a big fan and has never been to my favorite place in the ghaytto. I have to admit, it is nice to meet someone w/o the expectation of sex in the way. Well, I say that now but you know what a hoochie I am…

Fibber

So my email box has absolutely been blown up today asking for my two cents on the newest scandal to rock my little piece of the blogosphere. If you don’t know, skip it. It is not worth your time.1

My answer? I don’t really know enough to make a decision. I don’t blog for popularity. I don’t blog for politics. I don’t make the rules for other bloggers. I don’t know when it is ok to openly attack someone based on limited info they themselves have given me. I don’t know when it is ok to accuse someone of being a total fraud based on inconsistencies in their blog. Frankly, I can’t be bothered right now. I have enough in my own life going on to keep my distracted. I’m sure I’ll sort it out in my own time.

Having already been burned once, I’m probably not the best judge of character anyway. I prefer to take people at face value until given a reason not too. Maybe that makes me gullible but I’m ok with that. Wouldn’t be the first time. For the record, I don’t condone lying. I am honest to the point of being blunt but, I have done things I’m not proud of. I have lied and I have stolen. I have hurt people (emotionally). Granted, the latter wasn’t intentional but it still happened.

I also know how it feels to be called a liar. I’ve been told several times my own blog is just too unbelievable to be real. The irony is I’ve left things out from my childhood because even I have a hard time believing I survived it all. Here is just a short laundry list of my not so favorable moments.

1) I almost poisoned my step-mother when I was 12 as a means to escape her never-ending torture.
2) My father broke my jaw and two of my ribs at 14 because I was gay.
3) I watched my first lover die in my arms.
4) I almost killed myself at 19.
5) I was homeless for almost a 2 years.

And those are just the things I chose to share! Maybe they were justifiable, maybe they weren’t. Either way, I’m not particularly fond of my sordid past. I do struggle to be a better man though. Sometimes, I think that means I have to fall along the way.

The point, I’m probably not so eloquently making, is I tend to wait before I jump on the bandwagon of finger-pointing. I don’t second guess people. I don’t look for cracks in their stories. It is simply not in my nature to be overly suspicious. That said, I also take what I read online w/a grain of salt until I’ve had a chance to solidify my in person connection w/people.

Back to the most recent scandal, I am a little dismayed in the overall virulence I’ve read. As if discovering a fake blogger is so shocking. Fags can’t even tell their correct waist and cock size but we are outraged at a dishonest blogger(s)? Ultimately, I’ll investigate and ask myself if this scandal causes harm. Until then, I’ll skip the righteous indignation.

My maw-maw (granny) always said, “…believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see.” She might have been crazy white trash but, boy did she have some wisdom. I haven’t always believed that but, the older I get the more often I find it to be true.

1 No, I’m not providing links as this about my two cents in general, not the story itself.

219

This is the code we use at work for a stabbing victim; which is what I felt like the other day when I went down to Magnet for a routine STD test.1 I get signed in and go to the back to face the obligatory interrogation as to why I’m there. No worries, as I know all to well the burden placed on the City’s healthcare system. We make it thru the throat swab and the “bend and spread’em” swab problem free. I mean how hard is it to fuck up a swab test? Then comes the very minor, one would think, routine blood draw to test for the ugly-headed monster called syphilis. Forgetting for a moment, both of my arms are very vascular,2 the phlebotomist managed to stab completely thru a large vein. Naturally, I end up with a large hematoma afterwards. (Simply put, blood collecting under the skin) If you’ve never had one, the blood quickly dissipates however, it tends to be very unsightly and causes pain days later from the surrounding muscle tissue being irritated. So now, I look like Farrah Faucet in the ‘Burning Bed’ after she’d been thoroughly beaten by her husband. Lord, I know they don’t get paid a lot to do that job but, asking for a minute amount of competence is not pushing it in my opinion. And the real kicker was this was not the first time! It also happened on my previous pilgrimage. I wrote a stinging letter to the City Health Director as well as the Clinic Director. I guarantee you next time I go back it won’t happen again.

I called off work today. For a variety of reasons, I was not in my “happy place” and work would have been a disaster had I gone in. I did finally use the down time to get the laundry done. I don’t honestly know why I have such a mental block when it comes to laundry. I wonder if it stems from my childhood. I know, you are probably going “childhood? WTF?” Well, once when I was about 3 or 4 years old my father locked me in the dryer and turned it on for about a minute. You see, I used to climb in our dryer and hide. I had been warned countless times not to do it so I guess he thought he’d teach me a lesson. It worked too. I never ever played in the dryer again after that. No, I don’t seriously think it’s related but it is an odd coincidence don’t ya think?

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In other news, my friend Matthew, who just moved to SF, got a temp. job working for a porn company. No, not as an actor or a fluffer, he is a grunt. In regular movie terms, he’d be a grip. He is all excited and couldn’t stop talking about it today over lunch. The most pressing issue on his mind was what to wear. Bless his heart. I’m sure it sounds exciting but when you actually do it, it isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. Well, from my point of view anyway. However, I am rather jaded as I live with a porn star who I have known practically all of my adult life. And lets face it, you can’t shake a stick w/o bumping into a rising star here. (pun intended) He is getting paid a fair share for his efforts so there is a positive aspect to it. And moving from Oklahoma City to SF, I can certainly understand his excitement.

1 No, I don’t have a nasty drip just past due for my routine test.
2 A misappropriation of the word referring to large veins close to the surface of the skin.

Random Smandom IV

I’m on day two of my lovely 12 hour shifts. I’m begrudgingly surviving. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last day. Today is a tad busier however, no major crises1 so far. The All-Star game is officially tomorrow. I’m on the medical/fire side of the room this week and it is hoppin’ today. The PD side is relatively calm overall. We had 2 shootings today which then caused a vehicle accident but that seems to be the big drama of the day so far.

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With the last post about register vs subscriber, I got a whole slew of new users. The list is well over a hundred now. If I haven’t expressed it before, let me say how truly honored I am you all enjoy my rants. I may not always be right but I always have an opinion!2

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Speaking of, the Flight attendant texted me today. He is coming to SF in a couple of weeks. You can imagine the very large smile that put on my face! hehehe

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And as a parting shot, if this doesn’t leave you in throws of laughter3 there is something wrong with you!

I think I was around 9 or 10 years old in this shot. Look how skinny I was…

1 It took me 3 attempts to figure out the plural version of “crisis”.
2 People were a little confused w/the subscriber vs log-in links so I added “register” to the latter.
3 I have more to add however, scanning and tweaking old polaroid shots takes time.

Why Am I Here?

Tonight, I had a mini epiphany. You could say proof of an insecurity I’ve grown out of.

I had a rather odd first meeting with a couple of guys from bear411. I’d chatted with this guy off and on over a few months and we’d seemed to have nice online connection. He lives down in LA. He texted me online tonight to say he was in town with a friend visiting before heading up to the river tomorrow. I didn’t really wanna go out but certainly didn’t wanna be rude so I made the effort.

Skipping for a moment, he appeared more than a few years older in person, it didn’t go well. It didn’t go bad either. It just sorta went. He was nice enough. There was just no chemistry, no sparks, nothing. Not even a real connection. I also got the distinct impression he and his friend had nothing but disdain for SF as well as a little internalized homophobia. No judgments just an observation.

The point is in the past this would have bothered me. I used to obsess about someone liking me. I used to incorrectly assume if there wasn’t some sort of spark that something must be wrong w/me. This time I had no such feelings. I just didn’t really care. They were nice, there was just no connection and that was ok. I wasn’t upset or distraught or even perturbed. I was polite, talkative, and even offered to go grab a bite to eat. I guess I really am growing up. Who knew?

Life: Normal

A big thank you to all the kind words of encouragement and support regarding my dealings w/Continental AND with their handsome attendant. I didn’t even mind the walk of shame from the hotel the following morning.1

Gay High Holy day #1 has come and gone. The city has pretty much returned to normal.2 I am also home from my vacation and my week of antics. It was a busy damn week and I am glad to be back. From hosting the incorrigible brettcajun and my buds from Tuscon to flying home to see the clan, this blogger is tired. I’m slowly catching up on my blogroll as well.

Work today is almost a relief. (Almost) I didn’t really wanna come in today though. It is so nice and sunny out, I just wanted to go layout at the park. My friend Matthew dragged me out to the beach yesterday so I guess I can’t complain too much.

I posted more of the pics from the blogger summit. I still have twice as many to edit and load. I’ll get to it eventually. I’m feeling sooo unmotivated right now. Oh, and I’ll be posting a private post later this week as well. No, it is not about Steve but it is juicy. hehehe

Duty calls…

1 He had to fly out early not me. I stayed in bed after he left.
2 As normal as SF ever gets. hehehe

Pride Cometh

The motherland is gearing up for the first gay high holy day of the season. The gym gets busier by the day, the bars have already put out flashy banners, and the city is slowly filling up w/visitors. Yes, gay pride is coming again to SF. I’ve weighed in more than a few times on pride here but feel compelled to do so again.

I’ve already seen and heard that many folks once again don’t celebrate pride anymore. They feel it represents aspects of the community as undesirable. Aspects many would rather middle America knew nothing about. Why? Because it forces them to challenge their beliefs. Oh, I’ll be the first to admit pride is no longer just about celebration however, that doesn’t mean we should stop. We are more visible than ever. We have more rights than ever. However, one only need to look as far as the local news to see that gays/lesbians are still tormented, tortured, and even murdered by the ignorant.

Gays/lesbians come from all walks of life. We cross the divide of race, sex, and nationality. It is foolish to think we will ever speak w/one voice; we are simply too diverse. Does that mean we should abandon those who came before us? Or how about those coming after us? Will they see a community as large and diverse as humanity itself or will they see nothing?

I came out very young. Even though I decided to live openly for myself, I was still very naive and scared. Seeing my first pride parade gave me hope. I realized I was not alone. I realized I didn’t need to settle for second class citizenship. I realized that there were people just like me out there in the world. It was such a relief and it was then I knew I’d be alright. I have not forgotten those fearful years. I find it an act of cowardice to even suggest we abandon a celebration of who we are. We would be turning our backs not only on the very liberties we’ve fought so hard for but also those coming up behind us. There may come a day when we no longer need to celebrate in unity. That day is not yet upon us. While many of us have come to terms w/being gay, many more have not. We may not identify or even agree w/parts of the gay “community”. We don’t have to. We only need remember that everyone has the right to live openly and free of persecution simply because we are different.

It is with an open heart I welcome you into the fold. Fag, dyke, queer, lesbo, tranny, daddy, twink, bear, bunny, lesbian, gay, or whatever you call yourself. Welcome. And realize you are not alone.