While there are no pics, this rant is a tinsy bit on the adult side so I figured I might give you a chance to not click thru. lol
Continue reading Porn! Ok, Maybe Not
Category: culture
Color Me Crazy
As if the drama last night wasn’t enough, I got called a ‘crazy racist’ online today because I wasn’t attracted to a guy sexually. Not the first time and probably not the last. Here is our conversation.
Him: Nice profile and pics, wanna come f*ck me?
Me: Hey bud, I appreciate the offer but not really a match for me. Happy Hunting.
Him: Why don’t you just admit your crazy racist ass-hole. You make me sick. [1]I got a little annoyed here and my reply could have been worded better, I’m sure.
Me: Wait. Because, I’m not attracted to you, I’m a racist asshole? And first you want me to fuck you but then I make you sick? Which is it? I could have just hit the delete button like a lot of guys on here. I took the time to politely say, “no thanks” and I’m the asshole? So, in that vein of thought, what I should have said is, “no thanks, your fugly”. Would that have been better? Do me a favor, don’t project your inability to handle rejection onto me.
Him: *I got a follow up reply but I deleted it without opening it.*
Like I said, I could have handled it better by just ignoring his pissy email. That’s my shit and I own it, moving on. Keeping in mind here, there are no racial references for or against anywhere in any of my profile(s). This leap of logic on his part was unfounded and completely out of line.
*
So, to beat this horse properly we first need to identify several important but often lost distinctions. First, there is the very real existence of racism. Right behind that comes ignorance/indifference. And bringing up the rear (pun intended) is physical attraction (or not) to certain physical traits common to one race or another.
I am not so foolish to think racism is gone in America. Quite the contrary, some of the nasty fallout over our new president shows it is still very much alive. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Forgetting for a moment the races are blending more and more with every generation, dismissing a whole section of society based solely on their race is offensive and can be classified as racism.
In relation to the gay community, I don’t think it is out and out racism as much as ignorance. [2]I am not excusing it, just stating an observation. I can’t tell you how often I see profiles with “not into Blacks or Asians.” You may not intend to be offensive but that is exactly what you are doing by making such statements. Imagine how you’d feel reading a profile of someone you found attractive and they dismissed your entire existence based on your race. I particularly love how some guys try to apologize at the same time for saying such things. If you have to apologize perhaps you shouldn’t say it. How about you just leave it out. Nothing compels you to reply, meet, or hookup with anyone you don’t wish to. Why add such inflammatory language to your profile? [3]Out of fairness, there was a time when I made this awful mistake. I am happy to say that was well over 10 years ago.
Of course, when it comes to sex you can’t force physical attraction or the lack thereof. Attraction, like our sexuality, is not always a quantifiable behavior. For the purpose of this rant, I am referring specifically to attraction and race. And herein lies the most important distinction I feel is often lost on so many. Not being attracted to a physical trait(s) common to one race or another is not racism. From my own observations, I think this is often the real root of the matter but given the ignorance mentioned above, the line quickly becomes blurred. Want a sure fire way to know? Its quite simple. If you really have no racial hang-ups, you will find that there are always exceptions to your attraction (or lack) to a particular race.
For myself, I rarely think in term of absolutes so saying I’m not into a whole race would be a lie. I have my range and it commonly crosses the races. I’ll also admit there are some physical traits common to some races I am not attracted to. And while this is a racial issue it is only in the sense of physical attraction. However, that is never an absolute either. I don’t give a rats ass what color your skin is, if I like what you have to offer and you flop it in front of me, I’m gonna taste it. Or, if I don’t, I won’t.
Home and Back Again
This trip was interesting to say the least. It was good to see my little bro. [1]He is 28 but he’ll always be my “little brother” We’ve always been the closet but it seems to be getting stronger. He is learning just being gay hasn’t changed who I am. We also had a long talk about our siblings. He then told me some very funny stories about my relatives and their views on me. One relative even asked him if we still hugged (Yes, he ridiculed them for being so silly). He also had apparently told everyone to mind their p’s and q’s as he wouldn’t tolerate any disrespectful behavior. Anyway, I thought I’d share some funny incidents that occurred over the weekend.
Funny #1
Halloween night we had a big bonfire. Two of my brothers were there as well as two of my cousins and their families. Of course, my immediately family already knew about me but their spouses and kids only knew from being told. My older cousin was completely blown away by the fact I made gay jokes and wisecracks. We were watching something on TV and I said, “I know I’m gay but even I think THAT is so gay“. You could have heard a pin drop it was so quiet for about 30 seconds before everyone started laughing. A very tense milestone (for them) had passed. She later confided she had warned her kids not to use the word gay around me for fear of hurting my feelings or alienating me (Keep in mind, profanity is a given in my family). I was touched by the thought but I assured her it was ok. [2]And while it really isn’t ok, small steps people, small steps. I did encourage her to think about the underlying implications of allowing her kids to talk that way. While the intent might not be derogatory, the affects can be.
Funny #2
The younger cousin had admonished her own family in a similar manner. Her husband I guess didn’t know what to expect (having never met me) and apparently, there was some animosity about the visit. After a couple hours, he pulled me aside to tell me I wasn’t what he expected. I asked if he was expecting the stereotypical limp-wristed fembot. It took him a second to digest what I was saying but he finally admitted he had indeed. I assured him these are the stereotypes simply because they are so obvious. I explained that while I could “nell out” with the best of’em, it isn’t my normal demeanor. I also told him he probably knew more than he thought because not everyone, especially in a small town, likes it known. That gave him a moment of pause but he took it well I think. lol Not knowing it, he gave me a back-handed compliment by telling me had he not already known he would never have guessed.
It was very heartening to see some of my extended family expanding their horizons. And while there are some who will never be ok with it, I came away knowing I’ve given them something to think about.
I share these stories because I’ve always believed it isn’t the TV and media that sways most folks. I think it is their friends, family, coworkers, etc who decide to come out and live openly and honestly that changes their minds. There are always some who will see you differently but, wouldn’t you rather be liked (or not) for you really are?
Donate, Please
I rarely ask anything of my readers other than respect. This time I am asking a little more. Let me be clear, I am not above begging. The extremist wingnuts couldn’t win with the truth so they’ve taken to lying in their festering evil attempt to write discrimination into the California State constitution.
It is a sad day indeed when the “moral majority” has to resort to lying and deceit to win their case in the hearts & minds of everyday folk. This is one of the most important votes of the century. Whether you live in California or not, if you believe as I do, that two people regardless of their sex should be allowed to form stable, long-term LEGAL relationships under the law, then I urge you to help out.
Please, even if you can only donate $10, take a moment and hop over to
If 1 million people gave just $1.00 that would be one million in extra funds to fight the hate and lies being brought against us in the upcoming election.
I gave $400 of my own money today. I decided to forgo the shiny new riding jacket I wanted. Instead, I donated the money to the No to Prop. 8 campaign. I make this pledge. If enough people donate from this post to raise $1000.00, I will donate $400.00 more of my own money.
Please, I urge you, take a moment to donate whatever you can. Even if it is only a few dollars, every little bit helps when we act together.
All of these fine folks have also helped out. I’ll add every link I discover to this post.
roblog
Romach
Joe my God
Towleroad
Bear Schmear
Queeristan
Gooster
Mathias n Oz
SwimfinsSF
thisboyelroy
Over
Well, the three big gay holidays of the year are over. Pride, Dore Alley, & last but not least, Folsom have all come and gone. And while I had fun, Folsom was a mixed bag for me this year. One might even say too much fun. [1]Yes, there will be a separate post for that. You’ll need to be logged in to see it. That said, I discovered a couple of old demons still lurking in my id.
The Big Muscle party on Saturday was exceptionally fun. What can I say? So many beefy menz, so little time. Actually, with the exception of the fair itself, everything else was almost a let down after the BM party. Nothing else really seemed to measure up. lol And, I like it because everyone is still relatively sober. I usually find the guys are often very friendly and more sociable than other events throughout the weekend. I guess you could compare it to a Tea dance. I also met more guys from online this year than I ever have before. Moving on…
The weekend went great. I was with a great group of friends, ran into some old ones and definitely met some new ones. That said, I remember this nagging sensation gnawing at me several times. Not about to let it ruin my fun, I tucked it away and made a mental note to crack it open later. *g* Well it is later and I’ve realized the nagging feeling was me feeling inferior.
Don’t get me wrong, I doubt anyone really noticed. One thing you learn about me, when I’m nervous or intimidated I tend to act more gregarious than normal to compensate for it. [2]I know, you are asking, “is that even possible?” LOL Call it a defense-mechanism from my childhood, whatever. I originally chalked it up to not having worked out in over a month. And lets face it, these events do sort of cater to the more shallow side of our nature.
Now I’m left wondering if my lack of gym time is the real culprit? I’m a little ashamed to say I don’t think so. Instead, I think I’ve become so accustomed to working out it has allowed me to bury my old feelings of inadequacy. It really shouldn’t surprise me not being able to work out just allowed them to surface.
So yeah, I had a great time at Folsom. But, it also gave me a chance to see myself a bit more objectively. Never a bad thing, IMHO. I guess the point here is I realized I’ve been neglecting the inner me and focusing primarily on the outer me. And while neither is in that bad of shape, I need to remember they both need work. *g*
Kudos
I thought I’d take a break from the random hate mail I get and post a nice one. I’ve taken the author’s info out for privacy.
Periodically I peruse through BIGMUSCLE (I’m not on there anymore) to see if I can find out a little more about the guys here in SF. I’m from NY and here via Southern California. I still live and work between here and San Diego. Since moving to California I have always felt out of my element. I often question myself and wonder if I am becoming jaded or if I’m just completely out of touch.Deep down I know that although many of my thoughts about the gay "community" are not the popular consensus…I’m really right on the mark.
This morning I read "Points to Ponder" on your profile page and your three statements put to words much of what I think in my head and cannot summarize so eloquently. I smiled and was validated. Thank you for that. Everything you say in your profile is a perfect example of what being a "man" is all about.Its quite contrary to what so many gay men think a man is-The muscles,the hair,the clothes…the "group" that they belong to.Its seems as though you have taken responsibility for yourself and have taken the steps to be aware.If more men here had your attitude I would probably be more tempted to stay.Just wanted to thank you for making my day a little more interesting. I wish you all the best….I suspect you deserve only that.
I’ve already replied to the author w/my thanks. The irony was his email was exactly what I needed as well. You see, I sometimes wonder if it is just easier to be dysfunctional. That way I wouldn’t feel so isolated at times. I often refer to my belief that a lot of gay men [1]or folks in general fall into destructive habits out of an acute need to belong. We all have an innate need to feel connected or to belong. Whether we consciously recognize the desire isn’t so important for the topic of this post. I think it is stronger or more pronounced for gay men because of the stigma of growing up gay and 2nd class citizens. I know in my own case it has been a crippling force in my life that I still battle with. Anyway, I needed a little confirmation that I wasn’t alone in my desire to rise above. Just a simple little email is all it took.
References
| ↑1 | or folks in general |
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Dinner Out
The roomie’s boyfriend (Ty Lebouf) is in town for a video shoot. What was supposed to be just a nice dinner with the 3 of us turned into a group of 5. Two of the other porny boys joined us. I was a little apprehensive at first [1]I don’t much care for the attitude that often accompanies them. but it turned out just fine. Actually, they were a hoot! I laughed good and hard throughout the whole dinner. lol Of course, they are never what you expect. Josh West was a lot quieter in person. I fully expected him to have a bigger than life ego to go with his bigger than life cock. To discover him to be very sweet and respectful was a bit disarming. I was actually a little taken with him. lol I doubt he much noticed me beyond the laughter but no matter. I liked him. I’m still swooning over his big muscle profile.
The other guy I’ve seen around but never really heard his name used until tonight. Ross Hurston (I had to Google the spelling). He was a charmer for sure. Having never seen any of his movies, I have no comparison however, I liked his sharp wit and sense of humor. He is staying in SF for awhile so I’m sure to run into him again. Trouble that one is, thru and thru. His humor and mine would be a holy terror together. I fully expect to test that at some point.
They both seemed taken w/my bluntness. I admit it, I get a kick when people are surprised by my lack of self-censorship. I don’t feel compelled to sugar coat the truth over most things and it shows. heehee
Needless to say, dinner was a well enjoyed event.
References
| ↑1 | I don’t much care for the attitude that often accompanies them. |
|---|
Perception
This guy on bigmuscle has been chatting me up for a while now. I sorta blew him off because I knew I really wasn’t what he was looking for. That said, he was persistent so last week I finally relented. I could tell as soon as he showed up he was a bit disappointed. [1]Not enough to leave mind you but still. heehee Anyway, he grabs his ankles, we do the deed, and 2 hours later we are lounging on my sofa laughing and cutting up.
He is getting ready to leave and he says it. "You weren’t what I was expecting but I had a great time." I already knew it and said as much. He was more than a little embarrassed I already knew. I said, "I told you already I didn’t really think I was your type." He goes, "what do you mean?" Never being one to mince words, I told him. "You read my profile and imaged I was some hyper-masculine blue collar meathead you could swoon over."
You could have heard a pin drop. I could see the truth of it written all over his face. I just kept laughing. "Dude, I tried to tell you but you wouldn’t listen. You had this image of me built up in your mind and nothing I said was going to change that." I spent the next 10 minutes reassuring him it was ok. [2]I gave him "I’m an opportunist" speech. He totally bought it. After he relaxed again and stopped trying to convince me he really had a good time, we started talking about perception vs reality. [3]Oh sure, I could have used another example but where is the fun in that?
He seemed genuinely interested so I gave him the full blunt treatment. I talked about the differences in our profiles before I finally said, "you are basically so bossy on your profile you sound like a bitchy bottom." To which he burst out laughing. He said, "OMG! my friends tell me the same thing". I said, "maybe you should listen" with a big smile. We laughed some more before he went on his way.
On a whim, I checked his profile again today. To his credit, he has totally changed it. He added some normal pics of what he really looks like and took out some of the "bitch".
The moral of the story? Never ask a Southerner for his honest opinion. He will tell you.
Close Up
A movie about the life and death of Harvey Milk is being filmed in the Castro. I keep forgetting and of course driving home I often drive right into the blockade. I don’t mind so much as it is easy to go around however, it does get a bit annoying when you are trying to get from point A to point B and you can’t.
The other day, I inadvertently walked thru the set while they were filming. I wonder if I’ll end up camera? I should get some sort of compensation! lol Speaking of, I got several emails from friends in the area about the casting for extras. I’m shocked how much they don’t pay. Fifty bucks for the whole day. And if you’ve ever been an extra for a film, you know the mean the WHOLE day. There was a time when I would have jumped at the chance to make $50 however, that day has come and gone thankfully.
It is interesting to see how they prep and stage stuff. All the awnings and old business signs gives one a sense of nostalgia. Definitely before my time in the city but I like it. I’m almost wishing they would leave the retro look. The Castro is slowly losing it’s neighborhood feel. Every year, it seems to be just another random ‘burb with no distinction to set it apart.
I’m only half complaining. Nothing ever stays the same. Change is inevitable. You either learn to change with the times or you find yourself left behind. That said, I can still reminisce about the "good ole days".
Who’s Space?
I’ve been deleting some of my online profiles as of late. Tribe.net was the first to get the ax about 6 months ago. After their overhaul last year, it just died. With the new government regulations on xxx pictures on the net, they went overboard with restrictions. The advertising was also very intrusive. You couldn’t get away from it. Chop chop.
My friendster account got the ax last month as well. What used to be a big player in the market was completely overshadowed by myspace. Having never met a single person on friendster, it was time to go. Chop
Speaking of myspace, I’ve decided to give it up as well. I’ve met 1, count’em 1 person on myspace in real life. Everyone else I already know. How many social sites do I need to communicate with the same 50 people? I hadn’t logged into myspace in so long I’d forgotten my password and had to reset it.
The purpose of a social networking site is to encourage interaction between people. Hence the title "social". From my perspectives, most of these sites are geared for capturing advertising revenue with a hind thought thrown in for users. I’ve been giving Facebook a whirl for a few months now but I’m not really optimistic. Same story, different site. I’ll give it some time though.
Ironically, I’ve met tons of folks thru blogging over the last 4 years. Now with twitter and Pownce on the horizon, I’ve met several more. Say what you will about the plethora of drivel that you can find on said sites, they quickly capture your attention given the chance.