Category: culture

Social Fail

I was blogrolling (finally) and catching up on the list when I was reminded by Jimbo of something I’d been meaning to rant about.

Jimbo was ranting on the do’s/don’ts of when to use grindr in social situations. This sort of got me on the general mistakes most folks make when joining/using social sites in general. Whether it be the hatchet-job of HTML and over-embedding on mySpace, [1]which has become the trailer park of the web the constant barrage of friend/game requests on Facebook, and/or the minutia of irrelevant updates on twitter, it can quickly become unmanageable if you don’t start out with some ground rules.

Being someone who has been online since before the existence of AOL, let me take a moment to edify you on my hard-earned skills. lol With a few simple guidelines you can keep your online social interactions under control, enjoyable, and even useful.

When joining social sites like FB, MS, twitter, etc, you should first decide on your purpose. [2]Yes, this even applies to the more adult-oriented sites as well.  Are you joining to reconnect with friends/family, make new friends, be a social butterfly, and/or just ‘connect’ in general.

DO:

  • Take the time to fill out your profile. You don’t have to necessarily reveal personal/private information but if your goal is to meet people then it makes sense to provide goals, interests, hobbies, etc. If you are gonna create multiple profiles, instead of constantly retyping everything, just create a master word or text file that you can copy and paste from. You also don’t have to list every minutia of your interests. Stick to things you are really passionate or interested in. You can always add more later.
  • Be sincere and honest. People often sniff out a fake PDQ. Sure your responses might be less but they will be legit. And lets face it, if your goal is to actually meet people, they’ll eventually find out you lied.
  • Use an up-to-date picture of yourself. It’s the freakin’ millennium already. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone not to have an up-to-date pic in this day when practically everything has a camera attached to it. I don’t care what you looked like 10 years ago or when you were 12.  Its ok to have those type of pics but not as your main profile pic. Its misleading and you’ll end up alienating people. And if you are so discreet, you can’t have a face shot, then maybe you shouldn’t be online? [3]Anytime I see this, I just assume you are a liar or cheating on someone
  • Actually take the time to reply or interact. Again, if the goal is to be social, it won’t happen all by itself. Depending on the site, you don’t necessarily have to reply to everyone but the point here is to make an effort to interact.

Don’t

  • Add any/every one who sends you a friend/follow request. If you do, you’ll soon find your profile becomes bloated and pointless. And there is nothing that says once you add someone you can’t remove them later.
  • For adding media/links, don’t over do it. Less is definitely more in this instance. If you constantly fill your stream with drivel, people will get bored or overwhelmed and move on. Its ok to post things you really like but I don’t wanna know about every single song/movie/clip/article that you purchase/download/find from the web. And for the love of toast, for profiles like myspace, make sure the “auto-play” feature for your embedded content is turned off!
  • Hide all of your data/info and then wonder why no one friends/follows you. This is a biggie folks. Especially on sites like twitter and FB, if I can’t see anything about you not only will I not add you, I’ll probably go one step further and block you. Demanding a lot and offering nothing in return rarely works. FB allows you a fine control of what is viewable or not. twitter is a bit trickier as it only allows full view or nothing. The trick is to accept the request but then review the person’s feed/stream. If you don’t like it or it doesn’t interest you, simply unfollow and/or block. You’re done.
  • Add mean, disparaging, hateful, or otherwise negative statements. No one likes a whining negative-Nancy. Nothing turns me off to a person’s profile faster than negative comments.
  • Log on and never log-off. That might work for chat services where you can set yourself to away or available but for most profiles, its just annoying trying to interact with someone who turns out not to be there but logged on.

See, that wasn’t so hard was it? lol Here are just a few more tips that might save you some grief.

Don’t join every site just because you can. Pick and choose the sites you really like and dump the rest.

If you are worried about privacy or work-related issues, don’t use your real name online. I’ve always used my nickname and to this day, I can’t find a single reference to my real name online. This is especially important if you are using profiles for work and ‘play’.

With the latter in mind, keep your work/play profiles separate. You can create multiple accounts for each and/or filter your contacts based on interest.

Ok, that’s it. Now go forth and be social!

References

References
↑1 which has become the trailer park of the web
↑2 Yes, this even applies to the more adult-oriented sites as well.
↑3 Anytime I see this, I just assume you are a liar or cheating on someone

P-you

Why is it my fellow homo’s feel the need to bathe in cologne? I mean, come on!

I ran into a friend in the hood the other day, we exchanged hello’s and a customary hug before going our separate ways. I was immediately bombarded by his overpowering cologne. I was almost nauseous it was so strong, no exaggeration. I got thru it and went on about my day.

An hour later, I’m in Bearbucks getting some much needed caffeine and the guy behind the counter commented on how nice my cologne smelled! Before he said anything, I had just chalked the lingering smell up to my poor nose being overwhelmed. Oh noooo, I got home and took my shirt off and I could smell the shit all over my damn shirt! Now imagine how much he must have had on for it to rub off all over my shirt!

I don’t personally wear cologne very often but I also don’t really mind it, when used properly. I have a strong sense of smell (and as we all know, taste is tied into smell). I also happen to prefer the natural clean scent of human skin over cologne. [1]And no, I don’t like stank either. That is just as gross and not at all healthy. When used properly, cologne can enhance your own natural smell and be alluring.

So here is a clue for all you cologne-lovers out there. Its meant to give a hint of fragrance. It is not meant to overpower someone’s olfactory system completely. Oh and don’t even get me started on guys who bathe/shower, shave, deodorant, and cologne with the exact same fragrance. OMFG!

Let me be the first to be a true friend and tell you you don’t smell pretty at all. You stink! A drop behind each ear and maybe a drop on each wrist is more than enough. If that isn’t enough, your cologne is too cheap and should be avoided all together. [2]The whole line of AXE shite is a prime example of product(s) to be avoided at all costs. If all of your hygiene products have the same fragrance, you don’t need any cologne at all. And if you can’t afford the really good stuff just go for the natural clean smell. I guarantee everyone around you will be grateful.

/rant

References

References
↑1 And no, I don’t like stank either. That is just as gross and not at all healthy.
↑2 The whole line of AXE shite is a prime example of product(s) to be avoided at all costs.

Pervasive

Another Dore Alley [1]Its officially called Up Your Alley now but locals still refer to it by its original name. fair has come to a close. Everyone I talked to thought this year’s fair was a bit subdued. A quick scan of Facebook and twitter afterwards revealed an over all consensus. For my part, I agree but it made it more enjoyable for me.

As ho hum as I was feeling earlier, I did have a good time. I even stayed beyond my normal 2 hour limit. I ended up hanging out with Chris aka @Wildcuddler from twitter and his friends @bucknsj and @puppychow79. Even better, they are both on twitter so now I get to stalk them. heehee. Seriously though, they were both very nice and made such an adorable couple. We were also joined by a tag-tail. [2]someone who attaches themselves to you or your group in the hopes of hooking up. *g* but even he was sweet and I rather liked having him along.

The event itself was a bit smaller this year. And while it did get crowded, it was so nice not being jam-packed in wall-to-wall bodies with barely enough room to breath. It might sound hot but after about 15 minutes of it, you get rather annoyed. Normally, I can go the whole circuit twice and be lucky if I run into 5 people I know. Not so this time. I ran into a whole slew of friends (and bloggers) in the span of about an hour. I ran into roblog and his hot husband entering the gates. Shortly beyond that I ran into Victor from v-hold and his scruffy hubby and then Wade from beyondbuffalo. There was @repete from twitter and his hubby, several random tricks from years past and even a co-worker. lol It was a whole stream of walk, stop, flirt, chat, flirt some more, then continue on your way. I even saw my ex. I ran into my flickr buddy Andy, who I totally have the hots for. His smile is even more endearing in person. Such a sweetie he was. I could go on and on but you know I am not a name-dropper …  heh heh

There was plenty of the obvious. A grope here, a smile there, a quick chest or butt rub followed by grunts and groans.  Oh yes, it wouldn’t be Dore w/o the blatant sexual innuendo and aggression. There was one beefy guy wearing ass-less chaps that I would have followed around like a puppy had he already not had a hubby in tow. Bastard. lol

**Interjection – I’m sitting at Firewood in the hood as I write this and I’m sitting next to a group of guys who are whining about not being part of the ‘pretty crowd’ yet they can’t stop talking about all the ‘hot’ guys they saw. I’m half tempted to lean over and point out the stupidity of their conversation. Its one thing to not go and ridicule but its another thing entirely to go and then whine about it because you weren’t the center of attention. And that’s forgetting for a moment that ‘pretty’ is a subjective term at best and two, if you’ve ever been to Dore or Folsom, you know the mix of guys is amazing. You see everything; freaks, cock, boobs, piss, average, bears, muscle, hair, smooth, porn, drag, leather, sex, etc. Oh did I mention porn? [3]That said, there seemed to be fewer porn boys out and about this year as well. It runs the entire gambit so going and then whining about not being ‘included’ just annoys me to no end. /rant **

Ok back on topic, sort of. I was particular struck this year by how pervasive our technology has become in our everyday lives. For my own part, I was twittering and texting at down times throughout the day. Of course, I had to stay in contact with the boy. Then there was the moto group, coworkers inquiring if my ass was hanging out, and random tweets and FB updates. I had 3 different random strangers stop me to tell me they read my blog, which tickled me to no end. (Eddy, Derrick, Paul, I told you I’d mention you!) I also met several folks who met thru the various online social sites. One might say, it was a cornucopia of interconnected web-addicts all decked out in leather, lace, and gear!

All said, it was a good event. Fun, frolic, and friends all at one time. What’s not to like? [4]Oh, there will be a forthcoming ‘post’ in a few days about other activities, so you know what to do. It was a nice end to my rather uneventful but extremely well-timed vacation as I go back to work tomorrow. I’m back on my new (old) shift which I’m very excited about.

And how was your weekend?

References

References
↑1 Its officially called Up Your Alley now but locals still refer to it by its original name.
↑2 someone who attaches themselves to you or your group in the hopes of hooking up. *g*
↑3 That said, there seemed to be fewer porn boys out and about this year as well.
↑4 Oh, there will be a forthcoming ‘post’ in a few days about other activities, so you know what to do.

Bareback Banned

*Long rant today. Informative if you care to read, otherwise skip down if you aren’t in a ‘heavy reading’ mood*

A small firestorm was set off yesterday in the twitterverse w/the announcement of IML banning the sale of bareback [1]sex w/o condoms videos in the future. (It would probably help if you read the article before continuing)  You can also read the fallout from Joe.my.god. I bounced it over to him and he posted it as well.

I thought I’d give it a thorough beating here rather than endless broken comments on twitter and elsewhere. Personally, I have mixed views on the decision. While I support the idea, in theory, I honestly don’t see it having any real affect as is on the problem. Educated informed adults watching a fetish barebacking video does not necessarily equate having unsafe sex in person.

Had this decision been part of a broader effort to unite the neg/poz camps thru acceptance and education, I think it might have had much more of an impact. As is, it 1) is divisive thru the prevailing but misguided belief that blame and finger-pointing is productive, 2) fetish’izes (made up word of the day) the taboo further, and 3) caters to the failed idea that censure has ever worked w/human behavior. Sexuality is tied to our base instincts as human beings and has never been as easy as right from wrong. If it were would the Catholic church still be fighting the ‘abstinence only’ fight? Oh yeah, they’re really winning that battle. /sarcasm

As usual, there are several important distinctions overlooked in the often heated battle over barebacking. From my perspective, the good/bad sides of barebacking, seeing boths sides of the issue (neg and poz), societal re-enforcement of conflicting do’s and don’ts, and finally dispelling the myth(s) often propagated thru irrational fear and ignorance. Otherwise, we end up bickering and solving nothing. Meanwhile, HIV continues to rise in the gay community.

Continue reading Bareback Banned

References

References
↑1 sex w/o condoms

WWMD

This month’s WWMD is a bit heart-wrenching. One of my readers who has never commented confided in me recently. I have his permission to share his question anonymously.

Q: I just found out I am HIV-positive. I’m so scared and I feel like my life is over. I feel lost and confused. What should I do?

A: First, let go of the guilt, blame, and shame over your conversion. Beating yourself up over a mistake isn’t the answer. I often hear from so many gay men who can’t let go of the shame and guilt of sero-converting. Well, guess what? It just means you are human. We all make mistakes. Sometimes, those mistakes cost more than we ever expected or thought. There are a variety of support groups online and off that you can join to help in this arena, especially if you find yourself struggling to adjust. You will probably find them very inviting and supportive.

Second, your life is not over. HIV isn’t the death sentence it used to be. While people are still dying across the globe, in Western culture HIV is much more of a chronic illness now. With proper medication/management, you can easily live 20, 30, 40+ years. See your doc, get a genome test done. If your doc doesn’t want to do one, find another doc. This will determine which meds are best for you. More importantly, this will also prevent you from going on a poorly constructed cocktail [1]common term for a group of medications taken together to combat/treat HIV and burning thru whole classes of medications.

Educate yourself about HIV in general. Knowledge is power and you want to be well-armed, so to speak, when making decisions about your long-term health. You’d be surprised how many people know very little or are completely ignorant of how HIV is transmitted, etc. There are two main types of HIV [2]often referred to as HIV-1 and HIV-2 along with a variety of ‘sub-types’. Chances are high you probably have a subtype of HIV-1. I could go on and on but that would quickly bore you to sleep.

Along the same line of thought, take care of yourself physically. Drugs, drinking, smoking, etc are all things you should cut out or keep to a minimum in your life. Your diet is equally important. You don’t have to give up all the foods you love however, some consideration must be givin to trying to balance out your diet. Medication or not, your body is fighting a constant war. Taking care of yourself ensures it has the ammo it needs to carry on the fight. Abusing/neglecting yourself suppresses your immune systems ability to fight. If you don’t workout, I suggest you start. You don’t have to live in the gym but working out helps to strengthen your immune system. Sports or other fun outdoor activities can be just as beneficial.

Navigating the social, emotional, and psychological impact is much more complicated. You are going to encounter ignorance, fear, distrust, and even outright hostility at times. Human beings can be callas and even cruel when faced with the idea of their own mortality. I’m not sure I’m really qualified to give you advice here. Everyone is different and their path is often based as much on their personal beliefs and feelings as much as facts. Reach out to other poz guys and listen to their stories. Not only is it empowering, it also firmly moves you out of the “I’m a victim” mentality.

The psychological impact will probably be more of a constant. Some guys struggle with their internal shame and never truly get over it. Others embrace their status and see it as liberating since they no longer have to worry. Others still see it as just a nuisance that has to be managed and sometimes rears its ugly head. Who am I to say which answer or approach is best. You will have to discover for yourself what works for you.

Know this my friend(s). No matter what, you are loved and this does not make you any less worthy or deserving of love, respect, etc. Your right to be and exist is unchallenged. While navigating the hardships ahead may not always be easy, accept yourself (and your faults) and do not let anyone try to make you feel any different.

All my best to you.

References

References
↑1 common term for a group of medications taken together to combat/treat HIV
↑2 often referred to as HIV-1 and HIV-2

Chitown

I made it back from Chicago last night in one piece. The flight home was mostly uneventful. I sat next to this straight couple. The guy happened to work for a company that supplies gear to police and fire personnel. I own a pair of their boots. He was already dozing by the time I sat down but the wife was a total chatty Katy. I did come away with a nice gift certificate for free gear though!

I had a good time in Chicago. Everyone seemed dramatically surprised I wasn’t staying the whole weekend for IML. [1]International Mr. Leather Well, I didn’t go for IML, I went to see the boy. I actually booked time off so I could go, but since I have yet to replace the roomie, I couldn’t really justify spending the money. Well, free airfare and a very inexpensive hotel room made it worth while. [2]God love my friends for hooking a brother up! The entire trip cost me less than 400 bucks.

I did hit a snag when I arrived at the B&B. First, there was no one to meet me. I had to go two doors down to a bar for my keys. Not the end of the world, B&B’s typically don’t have staff running onsite 24/7. The bartender was polite enough but kept getting customers and I stood there for about 15 minutes just waiting. Then, the outside door key to the hotel didn’t work. The final straw was when he opened the door to my room. The room was so tiny the rickety full-size bed totally dominated the space. Even worse, the room was smack in the middle of the living area, shared a wall with the office, and the bathroom was two doors down the hallway. Oh no no no, uh-huh, no sir, no-ma’am, no siree-bob, this would not do! I visualized my plans of some quality quiet time with the boy going down the toilet.

Continue reading Chitown

References

References
↑1 International Mr. Leather
↑2 God love my friends for hooking a brother up!

Real?

So in very uninteresting and completely mundane news, I joined realjock.com last week. I thought it might be fun to try and interact with other guys who enjoy working out.

So far, I’m not that impressed. Besides being an obvious hang out for those dealing with internalized homophobia and the ever emotionally stunted “straight acting” types, no one really seems to actually interact that much.

The site is designed relatively well and does have some good tips/guides for working out and building muscle though. The forum is decent as well. I guess its the best to be expected considering. I’ll give it a whirl for awhile and see what develops.

Color Me Crazy

As if the drama last night wasn’t enough, I got called a ‘crazy racist’ online today because I wasn’t attracted to a guy sexually. Not the first time and probably not the last. Here is our conversation.

Him: Nice profile and pics, wanna come f*ck me?

Me: Hey bud, I appreciate the offer but not really a match for me. Happy Hunting.

Him: Why don’t you just admit your crazy racist ass-hole. You make me sick. [1]I got a little annoyed here and my reply could have been worded better, I’m sure.

Me: Wait. Because, I’m not attracted to you, I’m a racist asshole? And first you want me to fuck you but then I make you sick? Which is it? I could have just hit the delete button like a lot of guys on here. I took the time to politely say, “no thanks” and I’m the asshole? So, in that vein of thought, what I should have said is, “no thanks, your fugly”. Would that have been better? Do me a favor, don’t project your inability to handle rejection onto me.

Him: *I got a follow up reply but I deleted it without opening it.*

Like I said, I could have handled it better by just ignoring his pissy email. That’s my shit and I own it, moving on. Keeping in mind here, there are no racial references for or against anywhere in any of my profile(s). This leap of logic on his part was unfounded and completely out of line.

*

So, to beat this horse properly we first need to identify several important but often lost distinctions. First, there is the very real existence of racism. Right behind that comes ignorance/indifference. And bringing up the rear (pun intended) is physical attraction (or not) to certain physical traits common to one race or another.

I am not so foolish to think racism is gone in America. Quite the contrary, some of the nasty fallout over our new president shows it is still very much alive. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Forgetting for a moment the races are blending more and more with every generation, dismissing a whole section of society based solely on their race is offensive and can be classified as racism.

In relation to the gay community, I don’t think it is out and out racism as much as ignorance. [2]I am not excusing it, just stating an observation. I can’t tell you how often I see profiles with “not into Blacks or Asians.” You may not intend to be offensive but that is exactly what you are doing by making such statements. Imagine how you’d feel reading a profile of someone you found attractive and they dismissed your entire existence based on your race. I particularly love how some guys try to apologize at the same time for saying such things. If you have to apologize perhaps you shouldn’t say it. How about you just leave it out. Nothing compels you to reply, meet, or hookup with anyone you don’t wish to. Why add such inflammatory language to your profile? [3]Out of fairness, there was a time when I made this awful mistake. I am happy to say that was well over 10 years ago.

Of course, when it comes to sex you can’t force physical attraction or the lack thereof. Attraction, like our sexuality, is not always a quantifiable behavior. For the purpose of this rant, I am referring specifically to attraction and race. And herein lies the most important distinction I feel is often lost on so many. Not being attracted to a physical trait(s) common to one race or another is not racism. From my own observations, I think this is often the real root of the matter but given the ignorance mentioned above, the line quickly becomes blurred. Want a sure fire way to know? Its quite simple. If you really have no racial hang-ups, you will find that there are always exceptions to your attraction (or lack) to a particular race.

For myself, I rarely think in term of absolutes so saying I’m not into a whole race would be a lie. I have my range and it commonly crosses the races. I’ll also admit there are some physical traits common to some races I am not attracted to. And while this is a racial issue it is only in the sense of physical attraction. However, that is never an absolute either. I don’t give a rats ass what color your skin is, if I like what you have to offer and you flop it in front of me, I’m gonna taste it. Or, if I don’t, I won’t.

References

References
↑1 I got a little annoyed here and my reply could have been worded better, I’m sure.
↑2 I am not excusing it, just stating an observation.
↑3 Out of fairness, there was a time when I made this awful mistake. I am happy to say that was well over 10 years ago.