Category: culture

Advice

Ever watch a straight guy in a gay environment? They usually fall into three categories. One, is the obvious freak-the-fuck-out guy. He’s an idiot and we don’t need to talk about him. Two, there is the guy who is completely comfortable with it and usually his own sexuality as well. Three, and my favorite, is the guy totally out of his element and trying his hardest not to show it.

I’ll admit we don’t get many of number three in the gaborhood that often. But as the gentrification of the Castro continues, I’m beginning to see more of them. As soon as the straight women show up, the guys are not far behind. heehee Anyway, today I’m watching this guy walk [1]and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus down the street with his girl. She is oblivious to his mounting frustration but seems to be enjoying the new found attention. The guy is trying his hardest not to look uncomfortable. He is taking everything in while trying to maintain that look of disinterest. I must admit it’s cracking me up. I’ve watched them for almost a block now and he has a vice grip on her hand and has already kissed her 3 times. lol Mind you all the while his eyes have been on every storefront and every guy walking by. If it wasn’t so funny I’d feel sorry for him. As I type this he just saw a male couple kissing and he can’t take his eyes off’em!

Oh, and before I move on I should mention I don’t get the slightest gay vibe from him. Not that that means anything. My point is I don’t think he is living in the closet. You can clearly tell the guy is fascinated. OH! He just caught me watching. Damn…my covers been blown. OH well, it was fun while it lasted. He has ‘suddenly’ lost interest in the couple’s kissing and is dragging his girlie past my line of sight. He gets props for being such a good trooper. I’m sure given time and repeated exposure, he’ll be a well-adjusted hetero who understands it really isn’t that much different.

In the meantime, for my few (if any) straight guy readers, let me give you some advice. First, don’t go overboard trying to distinguish your ‘straightness.’ You just end up looking the fool. Be yourself. And while you’re girl of the moment may enjoy the new found attentions, don’t go overboard with the affections. Gay or straight, too much PDAs [2]public display of affection just looks trashy. Contrary to old stereotypes, our neighborhoods aren’t not stop orgies. Sure you might get oggled or flirted with but that’s human nature. Be flattered someone finds you attractive. It doesn’t threaten your own masculinity or sexuality. No one is gonna grab you and try to molest you. Well I say that but if you’re in a cruisy bar all bets are off. lol Second, it’s ok to look. Seriously, we don’t mind. Show off your willingness to expand your boundaries. You’ll look cooler and you’ll probably learn a lot. Lastly, welcome to the ‘hood. In no time you’ll be ignoring the drag queens, naked guys, and explicit store fronts just like the rest of us!

References

References
↑1 and I say walk, he is attached to her like a fungus
↑2 public display of affection

'scaping

I was having a discussion the other day with a casual buddy on Google+ and he was somewhat surprised to discover that I man-scape. I don’t quite get why that’s such a surprise but whatev. In our conversation, he kept inferring that it was somehow un-manly of me. I thought he was just joking at first but as the chat continued, it was obvious he was being somewhat serious. I find it sad that we lock ourselves into said attitudes.

First, let me say this is a general reference and yes I know not everyone who doesn’t man-scape fits my rant today so don’t get your knickers in a twist. 🙂

From a grooming perspective, its just about good hygiene. I know not everyone sees it that way. Some people are just indifferent or think the completely el-natural look is fine. I respectfully disagree. If your nose hair is twice the length of your nose, trim that shit! If your chest hair can be braided and corn-rolled it’s also time for a trim. Further, if your bush (front or back) can supply a wig factory for a month, its time for a good run thru with the clippers. No one is asking you to shave it off or get rid of it. While it may on very rare occassions compliment your features, that is most definitely not the norm. For the most part, it makes you look unkempt and dirty. [1]And not the good kind of dirty. And if you really like hair, trimming it makes it grow faster silly Billy!

This reminds me of an episode years ago when I first moved to SF. I used to run into a guy at the gym who had so much chest hair it flowed over his collar like some creeping scifi devil vine. Seriously, it was creepy. Nothing he ever wore contained it. It stuck out around his hands, neck, and waist. For a while I really wondered if he suffered from that Wolfman disorder. Turns out, he happened to love hair and absolutely loved his Fangorn forest growth. Anyway, one day he was bemoaning not being able to find dates and I jokingly mentioned his creature feature. He later asked me if I really thought it was a big deal. My first thought was to laugh it off to avoid a potentially uncomfortable conversation. Few are ever receptive to negative feedback even when it is meant constructively. He seemed really eager to know so I decided to give him my honest opinion. I told him while he thought it was awesome , it probably creeped a lot of people out. If he just trimmed it down to a managable size he could have the best of both worlds.

He seemed receptive but I didn’t think much of it. To my surprise, I ran into him about a month later and he stopped me to show off his new much shorter forestine growth. He thanked me for being open to telling him my honest opinion and said that he’d gotten a lot of really positive feedback from friends/strangers alike. I still see him around from time to time and he still keeps it under control. hehehe

The moral of the story boys and gurls? You can keep things in check w/o looking like a Brazilian twink fresh off the assembly line at a Belami video.

References

References
↑1 And not the good kind of dirty.

Know Thyself

People really crack me up sometimes. They say perception is 9/10’s reality but there are also times when you need to use your head for something besides a hat rack. I just had a rather odd email conversation with a distant Facebook friend who was pissed at me for not knowing what was going on with him. Apparently, he’s been going thru some drama and updating FB with it. It was somehow my fault for not knowing. I saw him online, sent a polite message, and proceeded to get attitude because I was being jovial. Excuse the hell out of me!

On a similar rant, a while back I had another FB friend (who found me thru twitter) get pissy with me because I didn’t want to have cyber sex with him over cam. I first politely explained it wasn’t my thing even if I thought he was attractive. Sex over cam is so 90’s and boring to me. I realize it may be fun for some but that doesn’t mean everyone is into it. Finally after like the 4th or 5th push to show my junk, I got rather direct and let him know it was never going to happen. He has since unfriended me, to my delight.

So yes, all these sites can be wonderful mechanisms for communication. But lets face it, none of us only friend people we actually know in real life. Hell some folks have thousands, even hundreds of thousands, of friends on these sites. It is unrealistic to think every one of your “friends” keeps up with your every update. Frankly, it borders on impossible for anyone who has a life offline. For myself, I’m not so foolish to think everyone on my list knows everything I post. Most of what I post on FB and such is absolute drivel anyway. lol That’s when I’m even on. Most of my updates on FB come from my Google+ account (or twitter).

Yes, I have some nice friends online whom I’ve never met. I have some I’d love to meet someday as well. That still doesn’t mean I’m all up in their grill 24/7. If I’m a real friend to you or vice versa, then I’ll take the time to talk, text, email, or see you. in person. In person isn’t always possible but a friendship is only as good as the effort you put into it, not what you get out of it. And posting online is not what I would call effort.

The sex thing is funny. But again, don’t get all twisted because not everyone is into the same thing. I clearly have no problem with sex and/or hookups. That doesn’t mean every profile I have online is filled with a insatiable desire to get laid. Even still, if I politely decline 2 even 3 times, take the hint.

At the end of the day, just use your brain people. Don’t get pissy because some random stranger doesn’t know you’re having a bad day/week. Be happy someone actually took the time to reach out to you in the first place.

/ rant

Work In

I don’t get people sometimes. So I’m at the gym one day last week working out, doing my thing. The gym is a tad busier than normal but not overly so. I’m working my arms and I see this guy doing the triceps dip machine. I walk up and very politely ask if I can work in with him. He snaps, ‘sure‘ and proceeds to storm away in a huff.

I was actually surprised because 1) I was very polite and 2) my tone and demeanor was clearly indicative of my willingness to be denied. While it is the policy of the gym that members should share equipment, I know how it is to be in your zone, time schedule, routine, etc and I don’t get offended if someone isn’t willing to share. Of course, if I’d been working a free-weight bench with a big weight difference, I wouldn’t be as willing. Trying to swap off/on weights is a major pain. And while I don’t like people that hog benches because they are too busy gossiping/yakking with friends or bouncing between machines, this machine is as simple as flipping a switch to change the weight. Seriously, its that damn easy.

Of course, I laughed it off and finished my set. Hell, he made it easier for me as I no longer had to wait on him. He came back down about 15 minutes later glaring to see if anyone was on the bench. I’d already started my next set but was tempted to go over and tell him, ‘next time instead of throwing a tantrum like a 12-yr old girl just have the balls to say no.‘ I thought better of it though. He probably would have had an even bigger hissy fit and frankly I didn’t feel like dealing with the drama.

So here is a little advice for those of you who do hit the gym on a regular basis. Be willing to share equipment or have enough of a spine to say no if you don’t. Barring the above mentioned caveats, don’t storm off in a huff because you’re a passive-aggressive pussy pansy dumb-ass wimp.

That Way

Apparently, the gay blogosphere has erupted in another faux scandal because some ‘actor’, Logan McCree, just came out as bi instead of full on gay. My first thought is ‘why is this news?’ Then I think on how much money the porn industry makes. lolol

I didn’t know who he was so did a quick google search. [1]with the safety filter turned off Let me just say, if he is bi, mercy-me he must be one-fine actor! The few clips I saw showed someone who was definitely into his work. lol Whether he is really bi or not is a pointless argument IMHO. Kinsey pretty much proved sexuality runs the gambit from polar straight on one end to polar gay on the other. Why must we (on both sides of the fence) continually try to label everyone as one or the other.

Looking beyond that we get to the why of it. In one camp, you have the folks who insist he is lying for some ulterior reason. We’ll probably never know for sure because the only person who’ll ever know is Logan. That said, the only reason I could really see for lying would be the whole “gay for pay” idea that keeps getting rammed down our throats these days. It seems like he is getting plenty (of work) so not too sure there. But as nauseating as it sounds, maybe he thinks he’ll be able to demand more money. A sad testament if that’s his reason. [2]I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

Then you have the whole “I can’t believe it, I feel so betrayed.” folks. Let me get this straight, you feel betrayed because the image you built up in your mind of said person has been shattered? An image created of someone you only see in completely contrived scenarios? Really? My response is get over it. The reality is almost never the same as the image. Living in SF, I can tell you from experience they are almost never like the ‘purdy moving pictures.’ And referring back to the whole gay for pay crap, maybe its so prevalent in the industry now he didn’t see the harm in admitting his big secret? Are you seriously going to stop watching him now because he likes a little V with his P&A?

Frankly, I could care less as long as he isn’t running around being hypocritical or hurting others. Being as I don’t know the nitty gritty, I’ll save my moral indignation for more important subjects. In the end, I’ve always been a big proponent of honesty. If he is coming clean, so to speak, good for him. If not, then it will catch up to him sooner or later.

References

References
↑1 with the safety filter turned off
↑2 I seem to remember reading recently about some other porny boy who “went straight” but I got the impression he was lying to save face in the new town where he was moving.

To Bear or Not to Bear

I was reading somewhere recently about how the “bear” community has become less inclusive lately and more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t fit the mold. It was bound to happen eventually. This is the problem w/sub-cultures. They start out with the purpose to unite those who fit a certain quality but then turn sour when said group becomes more prolific. I hate to say it but I’ve noticed it a bit myself over the last few years.

It is human nature to want to belong and feel connected to others like ourselves. Its vital to our growth to find others we can identify with. Growing up generally ostracized and excluded by society at large, I think the need is that much greater among gays. [1]and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks. Being able to identify with others helps reinforce our own self-worth and self-image. Speaking from my own experiences, I can tell you the drive to belong can be very powerful. I spent many years pretending to be someone I wasn’t in an effort to belong and just as many years figuring out how to belong when I didn’t really identify wholly with one group or another. It definitely stunted my own self-worth. And while I didn’t take the darker path, the drive to fit-in can lead to destructive behaviors.

While many find “coming out” a completely liberating experience, others often find it less than appealing and almost anti-climatic. While the basic same-sex attraction can be a very unifying experience, it is by no means all-encompassing. Being gay is an intrinsic part of who we are but it isn’t all we are. Being gay gives us a commonality but it isn’t always a binding one in itself. A lot of folks discover we don’t quite fit the stereotype(s) and are left searching for our own niche, hence the sub-cultures.

While beneficial on the surface, there is a danger of said sub-cultures if they become too defining. Identifying solely as such tends to limit one’s growth and self-expression. We become locked in an ideology that leaves very little room for change. Not to mention, it can also be very subjective. Ask 10 random people the definition of a [insert sub-culture of choice here] and I’ll bet no 2 answers will be the same. And then over time, what started as a simple attempt to fit in, becomes the very thing we sought to avoid.

Of course, our sexuality does play a huge part. Our attraction (or not) is often interwoven into all of the above. On the flip-side, it also has to do with our self-worth and feeling attractive. I’ve often said and it bears repeating attraction and acceptance are not the same thing. A very important and often over looked distinction.

For myself, I was fortunate enough to discover I didn’t need to fit one specific mold or stereotype to fit in. It didn’t happen right away mind you. There are aspects of my personality and id that cross several sub-cultures, cliques, or whatever and I’m cool with that. I work out w/o being a gym bunny or meat head. I have bearish qualities w/o being a bear. I can wear/appreciate leather w/o being absorbed by it. These are just a few, there are definitely more. Whether you identify w/a particular group, club, clique, gang, whatever you call it, I would encourage anyone reading this to allow yourself to accept others for who they are not what they represent. Don’t allow your attraction (or the lack of) influence your acceptance of others.

References

References
↑1 and by “gay”, I include the LGBT umbrella of folks.

Assume The Position

On a recent ride, I found it somewhat amusing when a riding buddy shocked an employee of a local and very busy biker hangout. Basically, the employee replied to a buddy’s comment about it being a nice day. The employee said something to the effect, “and the pretty girls.”  Well my (male) friend w/o even really thinking anything of it said, “and the pretty guys“. You could tell it was totally not the answer the employee was expecting! Now don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t ignorant or stupid, he was just surprised. He didn’t break stride or even turn around. It was a very subtle but obvious change in his movements that gave him away. It also cracked me the hell up! This leads me into my post today.

My assumption is that because we were motorcycle riders, he naturaly assumed we were straight. Of course, I get that it ties into Western society’s over-emphasis on male/fem characteristics, hobbies, etc. But that’s a way deeper well to dive into on some other day…

Anyway, it struck me as noteworthy because I’ve become so accustomed to my openness about being gay.  I just so rarely think about it in a public forum anymore. I always just assume anyone who meets me knows I’m gay. I make no pretense about it how could they not know? [Insert joke here]   It still surprises me when someone doesn’t pick up on it. ( On an unrelated side note, this begs the question about gays learning to pick up on said subtle clues more astutely than our straight counter-parts.)

Of course, I’d forgotten that perception can be a powerful thing. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage, ‘perception is 9/10’s of reality.‘   Well, case and point. lol  The human brain becomes hard-wired to expect certain actions, in this case behaviors. It will often (given time and/or more cues) pick up on subtle, out-of-the-norm differences, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. I’m sure given more time to observe us, the employee would have figured it out. 😉  Ironically, now that I think back on it, I can remember several rides where the same thing has occurred.

My buddy and I got a nice chuckle out it nonetheless. And we continued to cruise guys.

Sissy Boy

As usual, my buddy brettcajun stirred up a hornet’s nest with his recent post.  He got quite a bit of fall out over it and attempted to cover with another post, which fell equally as flat. In a nut shell, Brett was ranting about how Kurt Hummell’s character [1]from the TV show Glee is a nelly limp-wristed sissy who deserved what he got because he couldn’t man-up and be a real man. The irony of the person doing the complaining was not lost on anyone mind you. *g*

Sadly, his feelings; however shameful and wrong they were, are not all that uncommon. For my .02, I think the problem is not only ignorance but our growling failure to understand the difference between being attracted to someone vs accepting of them. [2]Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.  Many of us fall prey to the foolish idea that to be accepted we have to conform and/or fit in. As if such behavior would make those who hate us hate us any less. That ideology has never worked so why it continues to flourish is anyone’s guess.

While ignorance can be forgiven, it can only be forgiven to a point. You cross the line when you go from disliking someone because they fit a stereotype you detest to actively condoning violence against them. Knowing Brett, I doubt he meant to encourage real harm but that doesn’t change the facts. He openly condoned violence against one of our own simply because said person was effeminate. This type of thinking simply cannot go unchallenged and uncorrected. TV character or not, we are seeing this same scenario play itself out all too often in real life in schools all over the nation. Even worse, some of the victims have turned to suicide to avoid being bullied. All because they are different. To his credit, Brett took his lumps. Quite a few of his commenters raked him over the coals and rightfully so.

A few commenters spoke up in support of Brett. Many of their arguments are the same reasons those who hate us continue to do so. Of course, you have to be able to see beyond your own short-sightedness and insecurities to see such an irony. Condoning violence against others because you hate qualities they represent [3]qualities we often hate in ourselves does not make you a man. If anything, it makes you a coward. And I will tell anyone, friend or foe, the same to their face.

Then there is the attraction issue. More and more, as a culture we are beginning to see attraction and acceptance as the same thing. In a desperate effort to fit-in and feel like we belong, we have begun to marginalize ourselves into sub-cultures based not only on attraction but acceptance. Whether it be twinkies, daddies, leather, drag, gym-bunnies, bears, etc, we lock ourselves into labels meant to free us. We then turn on those who don’t represent our now rigid view of how others should be based on our attraction. IMHO, this is a dangerous path that makes us no better than those who seek to deny us equality. While it can be expected, to a degree, in a culture as sexually obsessed as we are, it does not excuse said behavior.  Just because I happen to fit into one or more sub-cultures doesn’t mean I can now pass judgment on those who do not.

I may not be physically attracted to someone who is overly flamboyant or naturally effeminate but I will defend their right to be with my last breath. I will say this though. I’d sooner stand by their side than anyone who would seek to tear them down out of misplaced angst, fear, or ignorance.

References

References
↑1 from the TV show Glee
↑2 Forgetting for a moment, our battle for equality started due in large part to these stereotypes.
↑3 qualities we often hate in ourselves

Post Folsom

So Gay High Holy Day #3 [1]Folsom St Fair has come and gone. This year Apple guy had a booth to launch his tshirt/jock business. Below is a picture of the booth setup and ready to go. I volunteered to help him with the booth.

 

Whacha think? Looking sharp huh? The hubby did all the artwork/designs for not only the shirts but also his logo and posters. I’m really proud of him. Considering we were behind the gun from the git-go, we turned out an awesome booth. There were a lot of unexpected delays in the process and to turn out such a good product deserves some serious kudos, IMHO.

We did pretty well at the fair. Not as much as we were hoping but I think that had more to do with outside factors than anything he did or didn’t do. We definitely got the name and product out there in people’s minds. As soon as the websites go live we are full steam ahead! I will be calling in favors from EVERYONE to help give us a good jumpstart! Oh yeah bitches, I’m calling in all my favors! lol Operators are standing by…

Anyway, the most irritating problem thru the whole process has been paypal. He was all setup to use them for the credit card processing when his account got hacked and then somehow tied to two fraudulent accounts. Paypal’s customer service has been on par with AT&T’s. Seriously, all my bitching about zipcar pales in comparison to Paypal. They basically don’t give a flying fuck and we are looking at months (yes, I said months) before his account gets sorted out.  Needless to say, he has decided to ditch them. [2]I have too 

I’ll be posting links to the sites soon so be ready! lol Seriously, the hubby has some awesome tshirt and jock designs, some edgy and some just plain funny. And you’ll be doing a ‘solid’ by helping him get off the ground.

References

References
↑1 Folsom St Fair
↑2 I have too