Category: culture

Caught

Some of you will probably remember my Dear Kid open letter in response to a poster child for the ex-gay movement, Matt Moore. Matt’s story was slightly different as he wasn’t claiming to not be gay but just not embracing it. He has his own blog where he often laments his struggles. He also wrote a “Dear Kid” letter which I took offense to and attempted to rebut several times on his site and then of course, my own follow up open letter.

Well, as you may have heard Matt got busted posting a profile on grindr recently. And while many are saying, “I told you so” that is not my purpose here today. I truly feel remorse for this guy. It breaks my heart that he has locked himself into a self-reinforcing delusion that is fed by his faith. He laments his being gay and then blames many of his mistakes in life on being gay. He goes on to infer over and over that all gays are the stereotype and therefore the gay lifestyle should be avoided as unhealthy. Don’t even get me started on how he rationalizes away the thousands of couples getting married all over the country now that it is legal. And while I see his overgeneralizations as a disingenuous, maybe he never experienced anything but the stereotype so he actually believes we all live that way. I don’t really think so but am willing to extend the benefit of the doubt. Plus, it is easier to avoid the truth when you are able to conveniently label everyone into neat little packages. The problem is humans are never that simple and never fit just one mold. Labels, while sometimes appropriate, do not define us.

How very convenient for him that the mantle of being gay can be so wide as to shoulder the blame for all his life’s woes. I can only imagine what my life would be like today if I’d taken his path. I probably would have already killed myself to be honest. Having already lived thru the conflict that he goes thru, I would never wish that on a single soul. It destroys your self-worth. You become desperate to accept anything that would help you explain it away. Naturally, religion offers an easy out. You get to absolve yourself of the “sin”, blame it on the devil, and then turn it all over to someone else to handle for you. Frankly, I prefer to have a code of conduct based on being a good man, not based on fear of what some all-powerful, yet oddly selfish, supernatural being might due to me after I die.

I hope that someday Matt can break out of his self-hatred and shame and see himself and the world more objectively. I fear he is on a path to destruction and I feel powerless to help.  He is blinded by ignorant [1]and often deliberately mistranslated dogma that teaches him to hate himself. He is he finding out the hard way that dumping your problems on a deity doesn’t really pan out. Of course, there is more dogma to counteract that failure so the cycle continues.

Being gay isn’t always a walk on the beach. It can be a rough road full of heart-ache, pain, disappointment, etc. But how is that any different from the rest of the world? Some might argue it’s easier to “get by” by pretending. I’d argue how’s that working out for you? Being gay has it’s challenges, no doubt, but that doesn’t equate denying who/what you are. Blaming being gay for your own insecurities and failings in life will not make it all better. It may make a convenient scapegoat but that only lasts so long. Our culture has issues, many grown out of coping mechanisms from being under constant attack but that does not make being gay inherently bad anymore than being born with blue eyes would. How may of those issues would be nonexistent if young gays grew up in a society not fixated on hating/condemning anyone different?

In my mind, it boils down to acceptance. You can accept that which you cannot change and strive to live a life that makes you happy and fulfilled, or you can hide from what you are and live a life of misery, self-hatred, distrust, and fear. Both will be filled w/mistakes as we are human after all. But which sounds better? Only you can decide for you.

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↑1 and often deliberately mistranslated

Cognitive

My big word of the day, Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is basically when a person(s) hold simultaneous beliefs or ideas that conflict thereby creating dissonance. Our id will not tolerate too much of said dissonance and often times something has to give to resolve the conflict. A good example is the whole fight over nudity here in SF. [1]The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example  The issue has really been good blog fodder. Not only the issue itself but also some of the observations surrounding it.

It is my opinion that many involved could not resolve the idea that someone could be both against public nudity and be progressive or liberal. Others couldn’t resolve the idea that gay men who love Folsom, Dore, and all that comes with that could also support the ban. I would call that a pretty clear case of CD. Being unable to resolve the conflict resulted in lots of name-calling, outlandish statements, and overall disgust at how SF has become fascist, Republican, and/or conservative. This created an enemy that didn’t cause conflict, could be blamed, and thereby restoring balance in the id. Oh, and any gays who were vocal about supporting the ban were also labeled as uppity, prudes, outsiders, greedy, and/or selfish. Same result different variant. [2]And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.  The very idea that you could be both gay and for the nudity ban was simply inconceivable to many. Some expressed their outrage just over that very fact.

There were many other issues at play here but this was something that struck me in a profound way. It was also very divisive. I had friends on both sides that were very passionate over it. Once I realized what I was seeing, I actually pulled back a bit to watch things unfold. It was like a weird science project. I swear I should have been a psychologist because I totally dig it. Lol Then you have the problem of filtering out the conspiracy nuts, the ignorant, and all of the personal bias. The latter being a mountain unto itself. So many were just randomly spewing nonsense. The mob mentality online is bound to be a thesis for someone somewhere.

Back on point, I don’t have a clue how we can work to better this. Belief is a powerful thing, as evidenced by the grip that organized religion has had over society for centuries. The problem I see these days is that belief seems to no longer be reliant on facts. For myself, without knowing the facts or details, I try not to go all holier-than-thou. That in itself would solve a lot of problems. I also try to be honest with myself if I have a personal bias over an issue. For example, on the nudity thing, some people that know me were very surprised at my reaction. They assumed I’d be all up in arms over it. And I’ll admit it did give me pause. I see no harm in nudity, or sex for that matter. I think our puritanical culture here in the US is extremely biased against sex in general. But as mentioned, it was more about a lack of respect IMO than the actual nudity. I also recognize a need for boundaries and respect for others.

The idea that a father of a slain child could be heckled by gun fanatic is another very striking and shameful version of cognitive dissonance. It was also a lot of other very shameful things but I was very sad to have read it. Anyway, the point of my little ramble today is it helps if we try to look outside the box from time to time. Instead of ignoring facts, we should embrace them. We should also realize that labels do not define us as individuals.

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↑1 The gun issue going on right now is another glaring example
↑2 And I am not saying there weren’t some valid arguments. There were. The problem is said arguments were never going to be strong enough to gain public support.

Ban v.20

So looks like the nudity ban held up in court. I would have been surprised if it hadn’t. It was carefully worded. It is a shame we ended up with this law on the books but now maybe we can all move past it. [1]I’m sure some won’t and will lament even louder about how fascist SF has become. Seriously, just think about that for a moment.  I never supported the ban on it’s surface but I also never supported the so called nudists. Legislating personal behavior is a tricky and dangerous slope. However, I can tolerate it because it strives to strike what I believe to be a fair balance. 

It is truly unfortunate a selfish few had to ruin it for all. And yes, I say selfish because that is exactly what it was. Regardless of my theories on nudity, it is selfish anytime you decide your wants are more important than everyone else’s. The cognitive dissonance regarding the whole ordeal has sparked a post of it’s very own. (forthcoming)  But I do truly hope we can all move past it now. For something so silly, it sparked a lot of debate within the community. I wish we put half the energies invested in all this towards dealing with the homeless, skyrocketing rents, MUNI, etc. The Castro, as a gay neighborhood, is dying a slow death. It’s being strangled by greed, selfishness, and gentrification. The latter being totally unavoidable but as a whole I think the “Castro” as a gay hood will be gone in 10 years. Local businesses cannot afford rents and the neighborhood seems dead set on preventing anyone who might be a chain from opening. So spaces sit empty collecting yet more homeless encampments.

Anyway, if you really think about it, the ban pretty much maintains the status quo before all this started. You can still expose your buttocks pretty much anywhere. You can still go nude at beaches, fairs, events, parks (to a degree), etc. You just can’t park your butt in the hub of the neighborhood naked anymore. This is where we were before these guys decided to push the boundaries. I do not believe, as some have stated, that SF is becoming conservative or fascist. That is all lip service for “I didn’t get my way so I’m gonna call you names.”  SF is still a wonderfully progressive city in so many ways.

On a side rant, unfortunately, SF is facing an identity crisis. It has moved beyond a “small town” to a thriving city and the attitudes and approach to managing it are still stuck in the days of old. If SF is going to truly thrive and remain diverse, it needs to move away from viewing itself a small city and start managing itself as the city that it is.

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↑1 I’m sure some won’t and will lament even louder about how fascist SF has become. Seriously, just think about that for a moment.

Reject

After my last rant, I remembered an email a reader had sent me previously about rejection. He basically asked how I handled rejection.

Learning to handle rejection can be a hard lesson in life. I struggled with it a lot as a young man. Not to say I’m immune to it now, because I’m not. Rejection is part of life. There are still times when it stings. You cannot get thru this world w/o facing rejection in some form or fashion. It is how you handle the rejection that defines your character and growth as a man (or woman).

The hardest and often longest struggle is overcoming your own insecurities. This is often a lifetime goal that will probably never go away. It may get better but it’s always there. We all have insecurities. Yes, read it again. We all have insecurities. And we are often hardest on ourselves. I can’t give you any specific answer here. You first have to be objective enough to recognize said insecurities first. Then, and only then can you begin to work on them. But to realize everyone has them goes a long way to help you feel less alone about it.

What you should avoid is going down a path of ‘what’s wrong with me?‘ should you be rejected. Rejection doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, it just means there isn’t a match. No one is everyone’s type and vice-versa. In regards to sex or romantic interest, attraction is a two-way street and if it isn’t both ways then rejection is bound to happen. Of course, it stings, especially when it is someone you are really attracted to. But that in no way diminishes who and what you are. I can speak from experience. I used to internalize it something awful. I’d get down on myself assuming I wasn’t handsome enough, hung enough, buff enough, masculine enough, the list goes on and on. The reality often had nothing with what I was projecting.

Case and point, I used to have the hots for this tall older buff guy when I was living in Colorado. In my eyes, he had it all. He was handsome, hung, articulate, and buff. I’d follow him around like a puppy when I saw him at certain “haunts.” He was never rude or mean to me but he made it plain that he wasn’t interested. I was so dejected. To say I beat myself up over it would be an understatement. At it’s worst, my mood would get so bad when I ran into him I’d often leave.

Be it pity or just kindness, he sort of reached out and befriended me. After we became friends I quickly discovered he had a penchant for young, smooth, pretty blond boys. I mean this was pretty much his only attraction range. There was nothing wrong with me, I was simply not his type. As time progressed, I discovered the same insecurities in him that I had. If he got rejected by a point of interest, he would go into a funk no less severe than my own. It was quite an eye-opening experience and was one of the first times I started looking beyond my insecurities to the bigger picture. He also let me know that he did in fact befriend me because I never pushed it too far. He knew I liked him but because I never tried to force myself on him, he appreciated it.

While not every situation will be this cut and dry, that isn’t the point. The point is that you can’t be everyone’s type. And just because someone declines interest doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. [1]And frankly any person who would try to indicate it is your fault, isn’t someone you wanna know anyway. And just because you see someone as being ‘the it’, that doesn’t mean they don’t struggle with the very same issues.

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↑1 And frankly any person who would try to indicate it is your fault, isn’t someone you wanna know anyway.

Profile

I was cleaning some really old files off my webserver the other day and I stumbled upon an edit file of old profile info I used to post on AOL. [1]That’s America Online for all you youngin’s out there.   I had a habit of saving my profile descriptions. I’d often just copy/paste the same profile info as necessary across different sites. Anyway, I was a little disappointed after perusing some of the content. I had forgotten some of the disrespectful things I used to put in my profiles. Granted, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful but that really isn’t the point. Intentional or not, referring to a whole race of people as being off-limits is offensive. The same goes for “not fats, no fems, etc.”

While I did eventually see the error of my ways, I’m sad to say many have not. You only need peruse pretty much any online social site to see guys posting the same type of comments. And don’t even get me started on the over-use of ‘masculine-only.‘ That is a rant all to itself. We’ll save it for a rainy day.

Anyway, whether you intend it or not, it is offensive to put such things in a profile. I’ve probably ranted on this subject before but it bears repeating. Instead of telling the world what you’re not into, focus on what you are into and keep it positive. Leave out the negative comments as it only serves to make you look like an ass. And it often makes you less appealing to prospective suitors. After all, the old saying goes ‘you catch more flies with honey...’

*

After I wrote this I found the original post on the subject. How funny I gave it the same title. I guess my mind still thinks the same way.

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↑1 That’s America Online for all you youngin’s out there.

Wear

So in a bit of shallowness, I’m probably the only gay guy who doesn’t like fancy underwear. By fancy I mean the alphabet of colors and cuts that seem to be prominent today. First, I am not bashing anyone, and if you comment keep it to the post not personal bias. kthanks. 

I just don’t get into perky panties as I like to call them. Granted, I also don’t wear the old school briefs that were often “generously” cut. lol I’d say it’s just my age but I’ve always disfavored them. Maybe it’s because I see them as flashy and I’m not a flashy kind of guy. I can see if you’re going to an event where your undies will be showing ie an underwear party, but in everyday life what is the point?

Me: I’m a standard boxer brief guy or commando. If I’m gonna wear undies, I want’em to fit w/o making me look like a WB cartoon character. I don’t need a bunch of cuts and rainbow of colors.

What about you? You a boxer, brief, or boxer-brief kind of guy? And if do you like the fancy ones, why?

Here

Well, if you’re reading this, we are all still here. The world didn’t end because the Mayan’s decided to stop counting at 12.21.12. Of course, we already knew the other half of the planet already rotating into the 12.21.12 time zone is still there.

Now maybe all the end of the world crazies can move on and find something more useful to obsess about. Naaaaah

Now that it’s over (pun intended) I thought I’d share a funny story. While I’m leaving the gym yesterday, I’m walking thru the ‘hood and see a rather fugly MUNI driver standing on the corner [1]in his work uniform mind you making very strong advances to a female that was walking by.  He circles her, looking her up and down, making very direct and inappropriate comments to her in attempt to establish is manliness and land her number. Seriously, it was a spectacle to behold.

Getting a wild hair up my ass, I decided to teach him a lesson. As the female walks away in disgust, I walk up to him and proceed to do the exact same thing. I walk around him making comments, looking him up and down, asking for his number, his bus route, and how I can “get me some.” You can clearly see he is holding back the F-word as he gets more and more angry. Right when is about to totally lose his shit I lamented and said, “now you know how it feels don’t ya? It doesn’t feel very good when the shoe is on the other foot. You were totally disrespectful to that woman. You made an ass of yourself and she walked away thinking how disgusting you were. Next time try a little class or at very least don’t be so disrespectful.” I then turned and walked away while he was mumbling under his breath.

It is my hope that my rather controversial ploy taught him a lesson. I guarantee he’ll think twice before doing it in the Castro again. Several of my friends said I was lucky he didn’t assault me. I don’t see it that way. I think he was lucky he didn’t assault me. While I’d never pick a fight, I have no problem finishing one. Either way, I still hope he’ll be more respectful. 

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↑1 in his work uniform mind you

Truth

I used to think that the fundies and the repugs were the only ones making up gross exaggerations to support their ideals. Unfortunately, after the round of comments regarding the nudity ban here in SF, I no longer feel that way. You would have thought the sky was falling from what some were saying. To be fair, there were also some who were eloquent, thoughtful, and respectful. Sadly, it seemed the later was the exception.

The most humorous comment came from a guy on the huffpo site who said I was ‘un-American’ for expressing a lack of support for the nudists. Yes, you read it right. I had a difference of opinion so I’m immediately labeled un-American. Of course, at various times I was also labeled a liar, a bigot, a homophobe, and a prude. [1]On the last one they obviously don’t know me! It seemed the preferred method to just attack anyone who disagreed, regardless of the content.

I’m sad to see that we are succumbing to the same failed tactics of the conservative crazies. Gone are the days of actually finding out details before spouting facts based on hearsay. And no, reading it on FB or twitter doesn’t make it true! I was very dismayed at the mob mentality that presented itself over this issue. [2]And this is not the only issue but since it’s recent and relevant, I’m using it. Many had no idea what the reality was or only knew what they had read or heard. Some only acted on the idea w/o knowing details. And still others appeared to just make stuff up out of personal bias.

IMO labeling someone the enemy (or a variety of other names) over a simple difference of opinion is not an acceptable form of discourse. Refusing to listen to opposing arguments and/or making personal attacks simply because you disagree should be beneath all of us. A man’s word is his bond. We should not stoop to the level of those who truly hate us by lying or making every issue the end all of issues. By doing so we make ourselves no better than those who do hate us. And speaking of, the most disappointing to me were all the hate labels. I (and others) were accused of hating the so-called nudists because we disagreed with him. When exactly did hate and disagreement become synonymous?

We can all disagree, even strongly, and still treat each other with respect. Just because someone has a difference of opinion doesn’t automatically make them a hater. And frankly, if your ideal can’t stand up to scrutiny then it obvisously isn’t that strong of a case to begin with. And over-exaggerating (ok, let’s be honest, flat out lying) serves no purpose other than making you look like a fool.

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↑1 On the last one they obviously don’t know me!
↑2 And this is not the only issue but since it’s recent and relevant, I’m using it.

Banned

I’m slipping this rant into the scheduled posts. Only because it was time-relevant. lol

I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I have no idea why but I kept waking  up like every hour on the hour. I must have worn Cooper out as well because he slept right up till I crawled out of bed at 10:30 today. Usually, he is up and fidgeting and moving around the bedroom out of boredom. lol I called off to work today. I’m a bit cranky and feeling tired. After I’ve had some food in me, I’m gonna try to take a nice nap.

In other news, the proposed ban on public nudity here is scheduled to be voted on today. I’m at Cove cafe right now and several tables are discussing it. Every table had pretty much the same theme, “why do they have to force it on everyone?” Ironic, considering it was mostly locals doing the complaining. As mentioned, the issue really isn’t about nudity anymore IMO. Instead, it’s about people being forced to endure behavior they don’t like. That is the real crutch of the issue. SF has coexisted peacefully with the real nudists here for decades. Oh they get a few random complaints but nothing major. It’s known and even expected at some of the parks, beaches, bars, and various events here. It is tolerated well for the simple reason people who didn’t want to see it could avoid it. It wasn’t forced on you. With the exhibitionists setting up shop in the plaza smack dab in the middle of the neighborhood, people no longer felt it could be avoided. And that is when the complaints started rolling in, in earnest.

The issue has been conflated and twisted so much by both sides it borders on the ridiculous. Not to mention, something so silly  & foolish has divided the community in many aspects. Not that I’m surprised, good or bad, SF always tends to be controversial. And it won’t be over today unfortunately. I read the ban is being challenged in court as a violation of freedom of speech. I say good luck with that. You’d have to prove some sort of harm for it to pass muster. And considering it only covers public spaces, I find it a stretch to claim it somehow restricts people but whatev. I’ll be glad when it’s over so we can all move on to bigger more important issues.

Mainstream

I like gay-themed movies, books, tv-shows etc. I like seeing characters who represent me. That would be a no-brainer I guess if ya think about it, like likes like. That said, I’ve been disappointed for years with many of the gay-themed entertainment options. A lot of the books are basically soft-core porn. Sorting thru all the crap to find the real gems is not an easy task. Amazon should cut me a check for all the crappy ebooks I’ve had to sort thru. The movies aren’t much better. At least on Netflix I’m not losing money. lol And to be fair, there are some great gay-themed books and movies out there, even iconic ones. Sadly, they are the exception vs the rule. What is our fascination w/being werewolves and vampires btw? Seriously, like 50% of all the gay-themed scifi/horror books follow this format.

Anyway, I’d heard about the movie BearCity being produced and released awhile back. Even better, I heard some really positive reviews on it. I queued it up on my Netflix and had a chance to watch it the other day. I can honestly say the bears are officially mainstream. And by that, I mean they now have their very own overly contrived movie(s) that smashes would-be heart-warming scenes with the hammer of constant self-reinforcing stereotypes. God what a mess, where do I even begin?

The movie boils down to three plots.

Plot #1: Opens with a cute thin guy who is an aspiring actor and closeted bear-lover. Said guy falls for the popular fuzzy muscle bear who basically spends 90% of the movie bouncing from hookup to hookup all the while dishing the guy until finally he “falls” for him in the end.

Plot #2: Involves a very overweight bear and his cute muscle cub. The large bear is considering a gastro bypass to bring his weight down to help with getting a job. The cub and his friends are all adamantly against it.

Plot #3: A couple explores ‘opening‘ their relationship.

Before I continue with my very unhappy review, let me first say there are several funny scenes in the movie. IMO, the two best characters were the nellie gay boy (the original roomie of the bear-lover from Plot #1) and the large bear from Plot #2. They stole the movie. Moving on…

Plot #1 tries hard to make you believe the hot bear has suddenly changed his ways (at the very end) and falls madly in-love with his chaser. This whole story was so contrived and fake as to be laughable. And the overt stereotyping from this plot made my skin crawl. I almost turned the movie off several times while this story unfolded.

Plot #2 really upset me because the implied message was don’t worry about how overweight your are, just be happy with yourself. Normally that would be a great message for self-respect and self-esteem. The problem here is the large bear was not just a little overweight he was grossly overweight. The type of 100+ lbs overweight that significantly shortens one’s life span. This whole storyline pissed me off because it masqueraded as a message of being ‘accepting of yourself.‘ There is a very important distinction between being accepting of one’s flaws and taking no responsibility for your bad habits/behavior. This plot could have saved the movie had it not been so extreme.

Plot #3 jumpstarts when the older bear in the couple gets the hots for the thin bear-chaser guy from Plot #1. The bear-chaser ends up being their roommate. [1]Yes, I know it all sounds very lesbianish. lol Toward the end of the movie, they do finally agree to open up their relationship. A couple abstract sex scenes later, you see both of them getting high and showing more emotion while high than at any point in the whole movie. I still don’t quite understand the point of this particular storyline. The only implication I could find was ‘to be happy, we have to be high,’ which is pathetic IMHO.

The entire movie gave the impression that being a bear (or wanting to date one) was the characters only lot in life. And I think this is what rubbed me wrong the most. Of course, it isn’t much different from many other gay movies out there so I am not singling this particular movie out. And lord knows I’m not bashing bears, I’m more of a bear than not. So yeah, I thought it sucked. Maybe it was my own fault for getting my hopes up. I was expecting something more after all the reviews I’ve heard so far. Needless to say, I won’t be watching the second one.

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↑1 Yes, I know it all sounds very lesbianish. lol