Category: friends

15 Minutes…

Today has been a most unpleasant day.

I woke to find another close friend has gotten so sick he can barely get out of bed. Some people are just so damn hard-headed at times. Of course, he didn’t need to get this bad. Much of his discomfort could have been avoided had he expressed himself a bit more. Being a private person is a royal pain in the ass. Ok, I’m a tad angry as he was in pretty bad shape when I got there. My anger is not directed at him. He is a wonderfully kind friend and it hurt me to see him sink so low w/o reaching out to me. Or maybe he just needed to be a bit more direct. He did come to me a couple weeks ago w/a complaint of general malaise but this was far beyond that. Far beyond.

I had to swallow my pain and don my clinical hat which is hard to do when you care for someone. Even at the level of EMT, I could tell something was horribly wrong. I have my suspicions but no sense putting his biz out for the world to see. Of course, not having any insurance while going to school makes the situation all the worse. He had to go to the state hospital, being the only choice in said predicament, off we went. The stars must be aligned in his favor because he only waited about an hour to see a nurse who recognized the seriousness of his condition. She was kind and thoughtful.

When I left he was being wheeled in for tests. Another friend arrived in town and is w/him still. I’m hoping for the best.

As if that was not enough, I was scheduled to speak in front of the Board of Supervisors today regarding our upcoming labor contract for work. Being the only union officer that lived in the city, it was me or no one. I made it on time, even if I was a bit out of sorts. I gave a short killer speech as to the deplorable condition our center is in and left. I got my 15 minutes of fame today. In reality it was only 2 minutes and only aired on public access. Ok my 15 minutes of not so fame today.

I’m tired, hungry, and bitchy so I’m off to devoure half a carcass of something roasted and tasty.

New 909

One of the girls from work often refers to my boyfriends as a 909. Which is the police code for “meet with a citizen.”

My ex called me late last night. I’d actually just gotten home from work. Apparently, he and his new 909 had gotten into a big fight. He needed a place to hangout and vent I guess. He proceeded to tell me the nitty gritty as to what happened. I think he often shares details w/me that in most instances would make an ex a bit uncomfortable but it’s not really an issue for me. Besides, I’m nosey. I like hearing it.

I listened and offered my heart felt advice as to how I saw it. It’s always an issue of being right w/him. Based on his side of the story, I’d assume he was in the right. Of course, this made it harder for him to see a need to move beyond getting validation for that. hehehe. So I offered an explanation that it doesn’t really matter who is right if he hopes to work it out. And let me be frank, he’d rather cut off his fraking arm than admit he is wrong about something. However, he did seem to honestly listen and our chat did calm him down. I politely pointed out some of his rather difficult traits so he could try to see both sides of the picture. Whether it worked or not is none of my business.

He remarked that he thought the blog would be busy today. Meaning I’d post about it. I feel almost obligated to mention it now. And no, he doesn’t read my blog. While I may have a healthy view of my breakup w/him, I’m not so sure he can say the same.

I did notice that I didn’t feel any pangs of jealousy or hurt. I didn’t resent him for telling me stuff about him and his new 909. I actually felt good about it. And no, not because they were fighting. No, I felt good because I had a chance to help him correct his mistakes of the past. Namely, mistakes made w/me. Knowing this only serves to validate my principles. One, it validates that I truly did love him (and still do just differently now). Two, that I’ve moved beyond the pain and hurt he caused me way back when. It took me awhile. I can be just as stubborn at times, especially when I’m in the right. The difference, I think, is I can look beyond my self-righteousness to see the bigger picture. I just hope he learns to do the same thing.

Oh, I think it also is a boon for my Karma. Sure I could have used this opportunity to wreck havoc. But that would go against all the things that I am trying so hard to emulate and become as a man. So scratch another few points in the karma index!

Muggy II / Drivel

I made it to the gym but my energy tanked right away so only got a half-ass workout in. My mood is as muggy as the weather today. I think I’m just worn out from my exertions as of late. Busy busy busy. Finding out my ride along for tomorrow got cancelled again didn’t help.

A buddy from work called me to see if I would co-sign a loan for him. That would be a big negative! One, I’m still recovering from my own debts incurred during the last relationship. Two, said friend tends to invite a large amount of drama into his life. Be it immaturity or blind stupidity, either way not my problem. Three, I have a distinct feeling there is more to the story than I’m hearing. *I may have been born at night but it wasn’t last night.*

Notice the Moby-ism on the left. Not sure who coined the phrase but I’ve taken it to heart throughout my life and it serves me well.

My new phone/pda hasn’t come yet. I’m anxious as all hell for it to show up. I’ve been so busy the Tivo is almost full. Maybe tonight I can catch up while I’m being tortured by domestic chores from hell! (I must have been rich in my previous life because I detest house work!) I’ll be so glad when I when the lotto so I can hire a houseboy. *mental note – play lotto*

I got a tickle out of the overwhelming response to my “dying to now” question. hehehe. May have to do that one again. I have tons of those little buggers floating around in my head.

OH! I almost forgot, I’m planning a little surprise for the blog. However, a new piece of hardware is required. It hasn’t shown up yet either. I got an email from Amazon saying it was delayed. Bumm-diddly.

Ok, I’m off to bend eager minds to my will.

Drama Defined

Awhile back someone asked me to give my definition of drama. Webster’s dictionary gives one definition as “a situation or succession of events in real life having the dramatic impression or emotional effect characteristic of a play.”

I’d agree w/that however, I’d amend to include “any situation or problem thru action or inaction usually avoided w/a small amount personal reflection beforehand…”.

I think into everyone’s life some drama must fall. Otherwise, what’s the point of living. You learn nothing from a carefree existence. That said, having grown up in a drama-intense environment, I’ve learned while some cannot be avoided, most CAN. I find in most situations the drama is usually self-inflicted from a variety of causes. That is a rant for another day.

I bring it up today as I got a call this week from my best friend, Trev, back in TX. Apparently, my ex friend from here was back home and cornered Trev at the park. He then proceeded to tell Trev how horrible a person I am, how all I’ve ever done is hold him back, and how I constantly try to keep him beneath me. Ironically, my ex friend has always hated Trev as he felt threatened by his friendship w/me. Was he thinking Trev would suddenly say “you know, even though you’ve always been jealous and despised me, I think you’re right. I’m gonna dump Moby as a friend“? I’m sure you can guess that didn’t happen. However, Trev did call me to ask why he felt the need to share it w/him in the first place.

My first thought was to send my ex-friend an email but I’m reminded of my definition of drama. Knowing him as well as I do, his actions are a blatant attempt to strike back at me and to get me to respond to him. By doing so, I’m quite sure I’d be inviting more drama into my life once again. Of which, I don’t really need. Nor do I need to flesh out a problem he isn’t even capable of understanding.

So that’s my definition of drama. I reserve the right to append or amend at any time in the future as wisdom dictates. *g*

Tim & Tim / Meanderings

I got a flood of emails from my profile post yesterday. Guess I hit a nerve! All I can say to that is if the shoe fits wear it, bi-yatch!

Yesterday, lunch was spent w/Tim W. He took me down to Daly City for all-you-can-eat sushi as a belated b’day present. We both got full, caught up a bit, and just enjoyed the time together. I forgot to bring my camera. He wanted to see how much sushi I could put away. On a site note, he is going thru a bad patch at the moment so keep him in your thoughts!

Today, I had lunch w/southern Tim. I haven’t seen him lately so it was nice to see his shiny face. I was on the phone w/the movers when he showed up for lunch. Damn, if that hussy didn’t sit and eat most of my food. “Oh, I’ll just sit and hang out while you eat.” My ass! I got back at him though. He gets so embarassed hearing about my sexual exploits so I make sure to keep him up-to-date whenever I can. *eg* He was also gracious enough to volunteer to help me move. I’m recommending him for sainthood. Just as soon as I get to church again.

Continue reading Tim & Tim / Meanderings

Lazy

Yesterday was a very lazy day. I moped around most of the day in my robe. Didn’t go to the gym, the market, or anywhere else productive.

I loved it! I think I’m rebelling against the coming storm that will be my schedule for the next 6 months. Pretty soon, I’ll have very little free time at all. (again)

I did manage to get my lazy ass together enough to have dinner w/southern Tim. We haven’t seen each other in awhile and it was good to catch up. He has had some of his own drama lately and it seems like things are calming down a bit. He’s also up for a new job which he is very excited about. (I’m hoping he gets it for selfish reasons. I don’t want him to move away now that he has finished school.) Anyway, we had a nice dinner at Blue.

In a surprising development, I met someone last night who surprised me on several different levels. What was supposed to just be a booty call, turned into a very enjoyable evening. I must admit, I really enjoyed the attention. I’ve been so focused on other goals lately I’ve been feeling a bit lonely. He was just what the doctor ordered!

Today, on the otherhand, I can’t afford to be so lazy. I need to hit the gym (hard), drop my paperwork by the doc’s office so I can get certified physically fit to drive an ambulance, some necessity shopping, mail, moving supplies, and some laundry by days end. Blech! I hate chores, why can’t I be rich and have some sexy butler do it for me.

Last Word

*I’m a bit long winded today so you might want to skip down for the more random stuff.*

I got a delivery from my friend ex-friend last night. I had bought him a nice coat for his birthday before our last falling out. I guess he thought returning it would hurt my feelings. I gave the jacket to the first homeless guy I saw on the street. He also left a note w/it. I didn’t bother to read it. It went into the shredder unopened. Why, you ask? Because, I know him much better than he knows himself. Or more astutely, I see him objectively. I can almost recite what was in it. (ticking off the fingers)

  • Some reference to a recent wrong I inflicted on him in compensation for the reason I was angry w/him.
  • Complete denial that he is in anyway wrong.
  • Along w/that would come some analogy of how horrible a person I am.
  • What a horrible friend I’ve been. Yeah, that sounds about right. (I keep asking if I am such a horrible friend why does he keep trying? I never got an answer. Is it because I’m the only friend he has? Yeah, the truth can be painful.)
  • And littered thru the accusations would be hateful mean comments only meant to hurt my feelings. Comments about things only friends know.

That about sums it up. The last two times we had this sort of falling out (oh yeah, there have been many over the years) it was the same. Whether thru emails, hand-written notes, phone messages, etc. Of course, every time I forgave him he’d end up admitting I was right. Until the next time, then we start all over again.

Knowing him the way I do, it takes the sting out of the words. It’s just an attempt to hurt me the way he thinks I hurt him. And rather than engage in the back and worth battle of hurtful speech, I often choose to avoid all contact. Call it a survival mechanism if you will. I just don’t wanna do it anymore.

But therein lies the heart of my rant today. I can’t help but see a distinct pattern between my break-up w/the ex and my fight w/my friend. In both instances, I believe I contributed to the problem by enabling them to continue their destructive behaviors. Seeing the reason behind the actions, I try to be understanding and accepting. Am I being too forgiving? I mean where should I draw the line?

Physical violence? Had that w/both of them.
Lack of concern or indifference to my needs? Check.
Hateful mean comments? Had that too.

Now, I’m left asking myself why this keeps happening to me. When do you stop forgiving someone? How many times must you go thru the same thing before enough is enough? Should I be more selfish? Should I just be a hateful evil bitch like so many others around me? Should I just scrape off any concern for anyone beyond myself? Should I just avoid my problems and immerse myself in a world of drugs and tricks?

Or should I look at this as a final chapter in the beginnings of my life? The last tie to a persona almost dead and gone. I’ll be 35 years old in just 24 short days. I’ve grown a lot in those 35 years. I still have a lot to go though. I can still be incredibly insecure at times. That insecurity tells me I’m not done maturing. I have to move beyond it if I’m to realize my potential.

Getting back to my ex friend, I know this isn’t over for him. He’ll stew in his juices for awhile. When I don’t respond, he’ll find some other way to make contact. I asked him not to read my blog anymore but I know he probably does. But here’s where I get selfish. No more. The struggle has to end sometime and it’s now.

Discursive Ramblings

That’s my new word for the day. . . evolve or get off the pot right?

Today started out a bit chaotic. A buddy from work called me needing a place to crash. He made a break from the live-in girlfriend (again). This time he seems more determined. As we speak, he is supposedly moving all his stuff out. Ugh! Straight people can be so mellow dramatic! I could insert an “I told you so” here however, I won’t. The short version is he rebounded from a bad marriage into his current relationship. And while I had my reservations, I really thought the old new girl was a good match. Maybe she is too much of a match and he his karma is coming back to haunt him. It probably isn’t my business to make such leaps of logic but, the parallels are stunning.

I got an email from my younger brother. (I still have a hard time getting used to him sending me email. Technology is such a foreign thing to my clan.) Apparently, things are going down hill faster than planned. Buddy’s soon-to-be ex wife had a mental break down last week. She is now on a 5150 hold at the local hospital I’m sure. Course, this just means more bad news for the kids. They are far too young to be deprived of their mother. (something I can speak on from experience) I’m hoping she snaps out of it. I don’t want them growing up the way I did.

On top of that, the land taxes are due by month end. No real crisis in itself. Since the land is still officially in Dad’s name, we are getting a big discount for the year. Next year, we have to convert the land into our respective names. This means higher taxes for moi as I am not married and nor am I a senior citizen. (In Texas, you get a discount on land tax once you reach 65.)

After the holidays, I’m gonna have to sit down and plan out some maintenance strategies w/Buddy. It is not fair to dump all the responsibility on him just because he is the only one still living on the land. But knowing the history of my siblings, I’ll probably end up footing a big chunk of the bill. I’m also gonna have to take some time out of my schedule to go down and help w/upkeep. Fifty acres of land is not easily maintained by one person. Hell, when I was growing up, my parents used us kids as free labor. Even then it was a struggle.

My schedule sign-up at work is finished. As expected, I went with a 4-10 shift w/the same days off just later hours. This will give my gym schedule a boost as I’m less likely to just roll-over, hit snooze 10 times and end up blowing it off. I also get to sign up for two three weeks of vacation this year!

A Sad Ending

A long friendship came to an end today. I blogged about it earlier and now it’s final. I knew it was coming however, I was hoping for the best.

I am sad it came to this. This person has been in/out of my life since I was just 21 years old. I’ve always tried to help him better himself. He doesn’t see it that way. He sees me now as arrogant, stuck-up, and pretentious. My perspective is I just grew up.

We’ve been down this road so many times I just don’t see the point of trying anymore. I don’t think a friendship should be forced. I don’t think it should be a constant struggle to be someone’s friend. I don’t care anymore if I’m right or wrong. I’m just sad. Sad that I lost a friend that I’ve considered a brother for a long time. Sad that he never saw it that way. And sad that there will be an empty place in my life where he used to be.

Day Gone By

Against my better judgement, I emailed my friend w/the drama. My problem is this. How do you hold onto anger when the person doesn’t even understand the ramifications of their actions?

Am I still angry? You betcha.

Am I willing to throw in the towel? Not completely, not just yet.

I poured my thoughts into a long winded email in the hope that he would finally take the time to listen to the meaning behind the words. I did it by email mainly because I wanted to give him my complete thoughts and give him something to think about. I didn’t want us arguing back and forth about it.

I’ve made a firm decision not to be around him for awhile. I’ve enabled him to continue part of his destructive cycle and I’m ashamed of that.

That said, this is not my burden to bear. His life is something he has to control. If he can’t, he will always be in my heart but he will no longer be in my life. The latter I must do to protect me.