Category: family

Feeling OK?

Apparently, I don’t date much. I mentioned to a couple of buds from work I had a date, you’d have thought I got drafted in the armed services. People were all up in my grill asking “what gives”? I guess it has been a while since I’ve gone on a real date. One bud was feeling my forehead all day asking if I was feeling ok. This from a man who owns 5 t-shirts. I’ll take his advice once he realizes getting dressed has more to do than getting out of the shower. hehehe

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In other news, the blogger shindig is this Friday. Appears to be a good turn out so far. I’m interested to see how some of the personalities “blend” together. Half the group I already know and the other half I’m looking forward to adding to my list of knowns. Sadly, several hopefuls will not be attending. *sniffle* You know who you are and you will be missed.

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I’m flying home right after the festivities to see the clan. One brother had to cancel due to some medical problems w/one of his chirruns. I’m bummed but still planning to make the best of it. I’m also looking forward to seeing my friend Trevan. I always crash w/him while in town and I’m sure we’ll paint the town red at least one night. I’m also hoping to meet one of my xbox gamer buddies from there but he might end up being out of town for work. *sigh*

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Ok, eyelids are heavy, sleep now.

Epiphany II

*Another long winded internalized view ahead and probably the 2nd most significant post you’ll ever read here. Oh yeah, it’s THAT good.*

I am such a fraking odd bird. I get insight into myself from the oddest things. The other day, I’m watching a commercial on Logo1 for car sales of all things. Being obviously written w/gays in mind the female speaker was making a statement. What she said was so profound [to me] I dropped the remote and just sat down on the sofa in amazement. She was making a short blurb about coming out, etc and then finished with,

. . . fear is what makes us weak but a sense of self and a sense of belonging gives us our strength.

You could have knocked me over with a feather! This paid actress for a stupid car commercial had just summed up the entire struggle of my existence in a few short words!

The fear I’ve known about and have been dealing with for some time now. As illustrated in my previous rather raw post. I’m proud to say the fear is losing though. Yet with all that’s come before in my journey to be a better person, I still overlooked something. I’ve never had a sense of belonging! Hell, I didn’t even know I needed it. Even as a kid it was missing. After my foster mom died, I never really felt like a part of my own family. After leaving home at 14, it was remarkably easy to break my family ties and move on2. Even my being gay didn’t help me to see it. I think I’ve mentioned before how I don’t really ‘fit’ into any particular ‘scene’. I always seem to be on the outskirts of all of them. What I did learn was to support myself. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and even pat myself on the back if need be. I always chalked it up to my own natural resilience.

To my credit, I did finally manage to realize my lack of self. Anyone crazy enough to still be reading me after all this time knows it’s been a hell of a struggle these last 5 years. And I am proud to say I am succeeding on that front too. But, I’ve spent so much effort trying to develop that sense of self, I never even considered I needed a sense of belonging.

I don’t know how I’ve missed this about myself for so long. And my poor id. It has been working overtime trying to show it to me. The unexplained bouts of sadness, the oddly reoccuring need to date, it all makes complete sense now. My life overall is pretty good at the moment. Oh sure, I could be richer, have more muscle or whatever but I’m talking about the important stuff. I’ve been extremely frustrated not being able to explain why I still get down at times.

Well, I get it now. I owe it all to a stupid car commercial on the gayest network on television.

1 Logo is a gay cable channel. I think it is owned by the parent company of CBS but I could be wrong.

2 A broken jaw and two broken ribs will do that to ya.

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

*this was written while on the plane home and it’s a long one…*

I’m out of movies on the flight. What better time to catch up on some blogging eh?

While I was out at Ranch Moby (catchy ain’t it? teehee), we went to see my dad’s grave. This is the first time I’ve actually been to the grave. If you remember I didn’t go back for the funeral since I’d just gotten back to SF from seeing him when he passed. After discovering they still haven’t put a gravestone up yet, I was more than a little mad. It’s been over a year and still no gravestone. As expected, the unity we found after dad’s death has evaporated. Both of the older siblings have stopped sending my little brother money. I told my little brother to start looking for one and get it installed. Even if means paying for it all by myself. I may not have been overly close to my father but this is just plain disrespectful. I find it ironic the one son who has the least reason to look after his affairs is the one making sure they are carried out. Ain’t that a pisser?

My brother is also going thru some domestic issues. I offered him my heart felt advice and it seems he actually took it. He texted me this afternoon saying he stood up for himself. Course, he also implied that meant the relationship was over. I’m proud of him either way. I only mention it as I am heartened to know, gay or straight, there are some experiences that crosses the divide and can be shared between us. It made me feel that much closer to him.

I also took a survey of the land and my youngest sibling is right. It is falling into disarray. The tractor was repossessed because the other 2 brothers have stopped making their share of the payments. The good news is it was in my dad’s name so it won’t fuck up my little brother’s credit. I’m too far away to be much physical help. Of course, this only serves to make me feel guilty. Especially, since we were originally supposed to spend my visit replacing a barbed wire fence. A fence in much need of replacing. I compromised. I told him I’d come back in October/November when the weather was cooler and we’d get it all done in one week. We’ll have to get some help. Fifty acres is too much for the two of us even if we had a tractor. Luckily enough, he and I both have friends that will pitch in. We’ll pay’em of course but they’d do it for free.
Continue reading Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Texas – Day 5 – Headed Home

Well, I’m back at the airport getting ready to head home. Things wrapped up way sooner than expected so I’m here early. Thankfully, there was very little drama involved w/this trip (so far). The only exception being BofA randomly blocking my debit card again. I think it’s time to switch banks. They rate top of the list in convenience but the rest of their service is going downhill.

Overall, the trip was successful. I didn’t do the bars or the nightlife this time around. The main focus was to see the brother. However, I got to renew one friendship and put to rest another that was sort of dragging along. I did squeeze a little shopping in as well so mission accomplished. I did come away w/some observations regarding the status of things w/the family. I need to sort it out before blathering on about it here though. The Galveston leg of my trip was a nice surprise. Completely unexpected and I think I’m still absorbing all of it. I have the feeling someone is trying to tell me something. And I’m doing my best to listen!

Tomorrow, I’m off to the Pride parade in SF to help w/the BCC booth. If you are gonna be in town, stop by and say howdy!

Deja Vu

Tonight I found myself sitting in the exact same spot where, 16 years ago, I almost took my life. I know you’re probably asking yourself, “WTF is he talking about?”. Well, I’m getting to it. And while it is a bit heavy, it’s on a good bent.

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To start, let me back up a bit. I detoured thru Galveston today to pick up a friend who wanted to tag along w/me to see the clan. I’ve known Curtis going on 14 years now. I don’t often get to see him while I’m here so I figured I could kill two birds w/one stone. The bad news is he could only get one day off from work so I had to bring him back to Galveston. I originally planned to drive back into Houston and crash w/Trev however, the idea struck me to just get a cheapy hotel room and stay here. Galveston is actually 45 minutes closer to our place in the sticks. And yeah, I could have stayed w/Curtis but I was in a weird mood to be alone. Now I know why.

Isn’t it funny sometimes how life sorta plops you down somewhere w/o rhyme or reason. You are just toodling along and BAM! It hits you. It happened like that for me tonight. I didn’t spend much effort looking for a hotel. I grabbed the first one that looked good and showed “free wifi” on the marquee. As luck would have it, The Commoder Hotel fit the bill nicely. I park, drop the gear off, and then hit the beach. I’m walking out onto the dike to get a good blast of the water and salt air. At this point, I wasn’t really sure why my mood had turned so somber. I had a good day hanging out w/Curtis and the brother. Yet, I felt oddly familiar emotions boiling just beneath the surface of my id. I eventually chalked it up to old memories and kept walking. It wasn’t until I reached the end of the dike that it hit me.

This was the dike. The dike where 16 years ago I found myself seriously contemplating walking out into the ocean and just letting go of all the pain. I couldn’t believe it. How could I have forgotten? Better yet, what guided me to this very spot tonight? I stood there in complete disbelief at first. So many emotions fighting for dominance. I’m not really sure how long I stood there. After the shock wore off, I realized not only was I soaking wet (I’d been standing at the very end and the waves were splashing all over me), I was also crying. And as I stood there licking the salt water from my face, I realized I was crying not from sadness but happiness. Happy for so many reasons but the most obvious was that I had survived. Happy that I kept on going and made something of myself. Maybe not something great but something nonetheless. I sat down (after backing up a bit) and just let all the emotions wash over me. Towards the end, I began to feel a bit empty. I reached for my little piece of joy and there it was. Tucked away but still there as always just waiting for me to need it.

Ya know folks, I really have led a blessed life. Oh! And I think I realize now why I’m so drawn to the beach. It’s not just the waves and sun. It’s the connection that it reminds me of. The point in my life when I first found myself. How could I have missed that all these years.

No matter what happens tomorrow, this has been the best vacation I’ve ever taken.

Home Again

I’ll be headed home to Texas in just a couple more days. My flight leaves on Monday morning bright and early. I called an old friend back in Galveston and invited him to go w/me to see my brother. I’ve known him since I was 19 and life hasn’t been too easy for him lately. It might be nice to get him out of town for awhile. He went w/me once before and really enjoyed being out in the open country.

I booked my flight a little differently this time. There was this new airline called Ebonics Airways and they were so cheap I couldn’t pass it up. *giggle* I love’s me some Shirley! (I’ll be driving right thru big Beaumont too!)

Seriously though, I’m looking forward to the trip. I’ll spend a few days in Houston visiting friends and the rest w/my brother. I can tell he is looking forward to it as well. He seems very happy that we are talking so much again. I didn’t realize how much I missed him I guess.

Texas

I booked a flight home to see my youngest brother. My older brother is around but doesn’t have much to do w/me. Mostly his issues, such is life I guess. My oldest brother is off in Alabama working a new job. True to form, he has stopped responding to the rest of us. It will just be me and the little ‘bro’. Well, that and his kids. My afore mentioned nephew and niece whom I adore. Little Ricky just makes my heart melt every time I see him. But I digress. I helped raise my little brother. We’ve always been the closest. We email/text each other a lot and it’s nice to keep up w/him. For a long time I kept my family at a distance. With the passing of my father, we’ve sorta reconnected again. Some of us anyway. It’s nice getting to know my brother as a man vs the boy I remember.

The land that I used to refer to as “my parent’s place” is ‘our place’ now. I keep forgetting and referring to it in the former. It’s odd. I still don’t really see it as mine. I still think of it as my dad’s. I guess that’s normal, I dunno. I’m supposed to help rebuild a fence when I get back but I don’t think my brother wants to. hehehe. We’ll probably end up just hanging out, going hunting, fishing or stuff like that.

People who know me now don’t often see my country side. Other than my twang and slang that is. Most of my friends think I’m just headed to another city. My parent’s place Our place is out in the boonies of East TX. Even though, it’s not so boonies anymore as the place is growing like crazy. But for now, it’s still pretty hick’ified. My closest neighbor is half a mile away and our place sits between a natural gas pipeline and a 400 mile slew (open wooded space). Sounds exciting huh? lol

I am grateful that I grew up in the country. I think it has added to my perspective on life over the years and helped to keep me grounded. There is something to be said for growing up close the Earth and raising food/livestock for yourself. I didn’t understand it as a kid but as a man, I see it all too clearly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to live there however, I’ve learned to value my roots. (pun intended)

I guess my point in all these jabber is this. I used to dread going home. It was sort of like my once a year punishment. Now I look forward to it. The demons of my past are slowly falling away and in their place new memories are growing. The need to “get away” has left me. Ain’t life funny that way?

Fixer Upper

I blog often about my struggle to be a better person. Sometimes I’m successful, others times no so much. But I try.

A while back I had to push someone out of my life. He didn’t understand why. And rather than use the experience to refocus his own life and make changes for the better, he has let insecurities from childhood cripple any chance of growing from it. Lately, we’ve sorta crossed paths. He goes out of his way to snub me, which is understandable. But now, since his attempts to draw me into an argument failed, he has resorted to emailing me about how great his life is and how “I” messed up. (And even though he isn’t supposed to read my blog anymore , I know he still does….I wasn’t born last night after all.) Anyway, if he has, in fact, done all these things he says then my efforts weren’t wasted. If his anger at me spurned him to take action and make changes for the better, nothing would make me happier.

Unfortunately, I don’t believe it. I think it’s just another ploy to lash out at me. Nothing I can do about it now though. I tried for many many years to help him move beyond his anger and resentment. I tried to explain things from a better perspective. Tried till I was blue in the face. It went in one ear and right out the other. So, I’m done now. Now, if he is to make anything of himself, it will have to be on his own. And maybe that’s how it should have been all along. I’m left to wonder if my help was a deterrent. My own growth didn’t come about until I sat down and examined my actions. No one was there to point me in the right direction. I had to figure it out for myself.

Ironically, my friend is a reminder of how far I’ve come in my own life. We grew up very similar in that we were both abused as children. Sure, I could spend my life bitter at the world for all the things I didn’t get, all the wrongs inflicted on me. But where would that leave me? What does it get me? Nothing. Well, except misery. And folks, misery begets misery. I watched misery eat ate my step-mother for years. I’m watching it play out between two of my brothers now. One brother by birth and the other by choice. Both equally sad. (The brother by birth is another story unto itself. I’ll crack it one of these days.)

I tend to be a “fixer”. I like to help people. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in my life is there are some things you can’t fix if the person involved isn’t willing.

A Past Not Forgotten

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my father’s death. For those of you long term readers, you know that his passing while sad was not overly traumatic for me. It did bring up many unresolved issues for me. Some of which I was able to resolve at the time. My father and I weren’t close considering our history. However, in the end, we did reach a sort of understanding and mutual respect for each other. One might even say love.

I look back today not w/sadness or regret. Nothing that was done can be undone. And while at times, I still resent the unnecessary hardships inflicted upon me by my family, I am grateful as well. Those hardships have helped mold me into the person I am today. Humility really is a good teacher. I never understood that as I child. As an adult, it is all too clear.

In slightly less depressing news, today is my Friday. I was only moderately bad last night. Home and in bed by 3:00am. This moring, I had a conversation w/someone which left me in very good spirits.

Discursive Ramblings

That’s my new word for the day. . . evolve or get off the pot right?

Today started out a bit chaotic. A buddy from work called me needing a place to crash. He made a break from the live-in girlfriend (again). This time he seems more determined. As we speak, he is supposedly moving all his stuff out. Ugh! Straight people can be so mellow dramatic! I could insert an “I told you so” here however, I won’t. The short version is he rebounded from a bad marriage into his current relationship. And while I had my reservations, I really thought the old new girl was a good match. Maybe she is too much of a match and he his karma is coming back to haunt him. It probably isn’t my business to make such leaps of logic but, the parallels are stunning.

I got an email from my younger brother. (I still have a hard time getting used to him sending me email. Technology is such a foreign thing to my clan.) Apparently, things are going down hill faster than planned. Buddy’s soon-to-be ex wife had a mental break down last week. She is now on a 5150 hold at the local hospital I’m sure. Course, this just means more bad news for the kids. They are far too young to be deprived of their mother. (something I can speak on from experience) I’m hoping she snaps out of it. I don’t want them growing up the way I did.

On top of that, the land taxes are due by month end. No real crisis in itself. Since the land is still officially in Dad’s name, we are getting a big discount for the year. Next year, we have to convert the land into our respective names. This means higher taxes for moi as I am not married and nor am I a senior citizen. (In Texas, you get a discount on land tax once you reach 65.)

After the holidays, I’m gonna have to sit down and plan out some maintenance strategies w/Buddy. It is not fair to dump all the responsibility on him just because he is the only one still living on the land. But knowing the history of my siblings, I’ll probably end up footing a big chunk of the bill. I’m also gonna have to take some time out of my schedule to go down and help w/upkeep. Fifty acres of land is not easily maintained by one person. Hell, when I was growing up, my parents used us kids as free labor. Even then it was a struggle.

My schedule sign-up at work is finished. As expected, I went with a 4-10 shift w/the same days off just later hours. This will give my gym schedule a boost as I’m less likely to just roll-over, hit snooze 10 times and end up blowing it off. I also get to sign up for two three weeks of vacation this year!