Category: drama

Discursive Ramblings

That’s my new word for the day. . . evolve or get off the pot right?

Today started out a bit chaotic. A buddy from work called me needing a place to crash. He made a break from the live-in girlfriend (again). This time he seems more determined. As we speak, he is supposedly moving all his stuff out. Ugh! Straight people can be so mellow dramatic! I could insert an “I told you so” here however, I won’t. The short version is he rebounded from a bad marriage into his current relationship. And while I had my reservations, I really thought the old new girl was a good match. Maybe she is too much of a match and he his karma is coming back to haunt him. It probably isn’t my business to make such leaps of logic but, the parallels are stunning.

I got an email from my younger brother. (I still have a hard time getting used to him sending me email. Technology is such a foreign thing to my clan.) Apparently, things are going down hill faster than planned. Buddy’s soon-to-be ex wife had a mental break down last week. She is now on a 5150 hold at the local hospital I’m sure. Course, this just means more bad news for the kids. They are far too young to be deprived of their mother. (something I can speak on from experience) I’m hoping she snaps out of it. I don’t want them growing up the way I did.

On top of that, the land taxes are due by month end. No real crisis in itself. Since the land is still officially in Dad’s name, we are getting a big discount for the year. Next year, we have to convert the land into our respective names. This means higher taxes for moi as I am not married and nor am I a senior citizen. (In Texas, you get a discount on land tax once you reach 65.)

After the holidays, I’m gonna have to sit down and plan out some maintenance strategies w/Buddy. It is not fair to dump all the responsibility on him just because he is the only one still living on the land. But knowing the history of my siblings, I’ll probably end up footing a big chunk of the bill. I’m also gonna have to take some time out of my schedule to go down and help w/upkeep. Fifty acres of land is not easily maintained by one person. Hell, when I was growing up, my parents used us kids as free labor. Even then it was a struggle.

My schedule sign-up at work is finished. As expected, I went with a 4-10 shift w/the same days off just later hours. This will give my gym schedule a boost as I’m less likely to just roll-over, hit snooze 10 times and end up blowing it off. I also get to sign up for two three weeks of vacation this year!

Book’em Danno

Why do people go beserk on holidays? As if work isn’t hectic enough w/people doing stupid things, I get a call from my friend Tim this AM. Without spilling his kool-aid all over my blog, his LTR came to a crashing halt at about 3:30 am pacific time. I helped out the best I could w/the police details. I feel for him as this was his first really serious LTR. That said, he is better off w/o said loser in his life. Chin up young person!

Work was just off the hook w/similar situations today I’m afraid. Families get together, start drinking and then the fights break out. We also had two 801’s (suicides). The last was very sad as he was only 19. Very sad.

A bright spot in the day. I found out today one of my long time readers is coming into town for the weekend. Won’t have much time to hang out as I’m working both days but some is better than none. He’ll be #5 on the list of readers I’ve met that live out of town. Wahooo!

www….

I woke up today to a frantic email, voicemail, and text message from the committee chair for the BCC.

“The domain is down! Email, the website, everything! HELP!”

Apparently, the domain expired and no one bothered to renew it. Since I’m not the point of contact, I had no direct authority to correct the problem. I’ve bitched about not being in charge of the total domain since the beginning but was content to live w/the limitations.

Actually, I’ve bitched for almost a year now about the committee chair routinely making decisions about the domain w/o consulting me. I’ve also pushed really hard to consolidate a lot of redunancy in the system. Most of my complaints have fallen on deaf ears. After today, I don’t think that will be a problem anymore.

Turns out the domain was still in the name of a person who had left the organization. Luckily, he is still in town and reachable. He provided me w/the necessary information to log-in via the registrar and get the problem resolved. I got to work immediately and had it fixed within a matter of hours. Of course, having a domain expire is mucho bad. It can take days sometimes to get the InterNic index updated. In non-geek terms, there are servers connected to the internet w/the sole purpose of resolving a domain name from words into it’s numeric form. This basically tells the net where to look for the information. It can sometimes take days to get changes into the servers. Luck was again on our side, the domain was back up, albeit sporadically, within just a few more hours.

At the end of the day, everything is back up and running smoothly. I also convinced the chair to purchase the available .com, .net, and .us extensions for the domain as well. That way, in the unlikely event this problem ever happens again, we have other domains to utilize.

Am I good or what?

Day Gone By

Against my better judgement, I emailed my friend w/the drama. My problem is this. How do you hold onto anger when the person doesn’t even understand the ramifications of their actions?

Am I still angry? You betcha.

Am I willing to throw in the towel? Not completely, not just yet.

I poured my thoughts into a long winded email in the hope that he would finally take the time to listen to the meaning behind the words. I did it by email mainly because I wanted to give him my complete thoughts and give him something to think about. I didn’t want us arguing back and forth about it.

I’ve made a firm decision not to be around him for awhile. I’ve enabled him to continue part of his destructive cycle and I’m ashamed of that.

That said, this is not my burden to bear. His life is something he has to control. If he can’t, he will always be in my heart but he will no longer be in my life. The latter I must do to protect me.

Drama – 2o1

I was all set to blog about the last few days but like an unwanted sore, drama has reared it’s ugly head once again. I’m amazed at how quickly a good mood can be ruined. So ruined that I had to cancel a class I was instructing today. I was simply too angry to teach.

I’ve disabled the comments for this post.
I don’t want advice on what to do, I know what must be done.
I don’t want empathy, it will only make the pain I feel worse.
I don’t want inquiring questions, the dirty details don’t add to the point.

What I will say is a close friend violated our friendship today. In such a way, I’ve lost all respect for him. And I’m asking myself, what is the point of a friendship w/o respect? He will no doubt read this post as he reads my blog religiously. It will be met w/denial, regret and then hostility when nothing else works. I can’t say as I care anymore. I’ve reached the end of my tether.

I was put in a very awkward situation today of having to lie. It wasn’t a big lie nor was it to save a life or keep someone out of jail. No, I lied to avoid becoming involved in a problem that I should never have been privy to. As soon as it was over, I was ashamed of myself for the lie and angry at how it was so connivingly foisted upon me. It has been quite some time since I’ve known shame. And five years ago, I probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelash over it. But I am not the same person I was five years ago.

It really comes down to this, I can no longer shoulder the responsibility of a friendship w/someone who lives his life like a carefree teenager still living at home. One who takes no personal responsibilty for his actions and routinely absolves himself of any guilt. I’ll be 35 years old next month. I have grown beyond the need for friends who still act like adolescents. My mentoring, advice, and constructive criticism are all ignored. Or more correctly, often acknowledged and then promptly forgotten. So I’m left asking myself what is the point?

If you know me, you know my anger is usually swift, to the point and once I’ve said my peace, I’m over it. I don’t ‘stew in it’. I’m also very forgiving when someone shows honest remorse. But, there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough. And when is it enough? After the 2nd time? How about the 5th or 6th time? No, this time, I want to continue being angry. I want my anger to stay w/me lest I forget and forgive once again. And I know once I do forgive, given some time, I’ll be right back where I started all over again. Frankly, I’m tired of going thru this. I’m tired of having the same conversations over and over and over again.

What’s In Your Wallet? / Tidbits

There is no better feeling than being able to pay off a credit card. I did that today. Two in fact. It’s been a financial struggle since the breakup a year ago. My debt is still higher than when we met but now at a much more manageable level. The cards in question were two of my higher interest cards that were just killing me. Three to go! Plus the revolving credit lines, the department store cards… Wait, what was I happy about?

I’ve had to put the motorcycle purchase on hold. I was hoping to be caught up enough by Christmas to swing it but it ain’t gonna happen. As much as I want it, it’s just not in the cards just yet. Plus, I think I mentioned I’m planning on moving again. A friend is buying a condo and wants a roommate. This arrangement suits me as I get to save money. Say it w/me. “Saving money is good!”

Switching gears, I got a nice card/pic from Tim today. He made me lunch one day before the vacation. While we were hanging out, he was showing off his Halloween costume. In the process, he made me wear this ridiculous looking hat w/hippie hair on it. Having forgot my own camera, he snapped of a pic of it. I have to admit, it’s funny. So the card includes a mini 2006 calendar w/the hippie pic square in the middle. HIGH-larious! Thank you Tim. (I’ll try to scan and post later)

In other exciting news, I finally went to the doc today and got some drugs for my sore throat. Knowing me as well as he does, he wanted to know if it could be something sexually related. I guess it’s possible but haven’t had that many shinanigans lately. (If only!) Scouts honor, I swear! (like the scouts have any honor left but that’s a nut to crack later.) Back on the subject, I ran into my friend mentioned above at the docs office. I thought he was stalling on the whole buying a condo thing but looks like he is right on tract. I really don’t wanna move over xmas (again) but the faster I get into a cheaper place the better.

On the family front, looks like our new found bond is quickly going down the shitter. My oldest brother has mysteriously decided to move to Mississipi. And my youngest brother has split w/his wife. They still work together which makes for some intersting drama I bet. Add to that, my siblings have yet to purchase the headstone for Dad’s grave. I’m not at all surprised though. I have a sneaky suspicion I’ll end up paying for it. I don’t mind the cost. I just wish for once my siblings could get their shit together and keep it that way. That’s probably asking too much but one can dream right? Actually, my younger brother and I have been communicating via text messages and emails. This normally wouldn’t be news but he isn’t exactly computer savy. You talking about a clan that didn’t have a phone until the mid 80’s. For all my bitchin, I’m glad he finally made the jump into the millenium. It’s nice to chat more than once a month.

I’m getting hungry (that’s code for cranky) so more later.

Not Again

Well, looks like I may have to cancel yet another vacation. With the arrival of hurricane Wilma, it is possible my trip to Ft. Lauderdale may be a bust. While I don’t wish it on anyone, I’m hoping it spares Florida, or at least weakens down to a Catagory 3 by the time it hits.

Many people are worse off than I am but, I have so been looking forward to this trip. If I have to cancel this one, I’m just gonna say “screw it” and stay home.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Oh What Fresh Hell…

This entry marks the end of a very loooong drawn out day. Not only did I pull 12 hours but everyone was cranky. Add to that lots of goin’s-on in the city. A carjacking (211cj), a stabbing (219), a shooting (217), a lady backed over a homeless guy (519 ped), and to top it all off, I got a lovely caller who felt the need to remind me her taxes pay my salary (800). Well it ain’t enough! (How’s that for good grammar?) And her gripe was over kids playing in the park…playing in the park! I’m like be frelling glad they aren’t tagging your house lady! Anyway, I’m glad this day is over. I had originally planned to go out but I guess I’m getting old. I’m too pooped to party.

In other news, my ex called while I’m at work. He was in an accident on the freeway. He was ok but needed help on what to do. I was a bit short but offered up the needed assistance. Afterwards, I felt a bit guilty so I called him back and made sure he was really ok and that he got the necessary help. Freeways are CHP jurisdiction but I’m a control freak at work, I admit it. I only mention it as it segways me into my last bit of drama for the day.

**Oh, and you might wanna skip this part. I so hate when people drag out their dramatic break-ups so I won’t resent you if you skip it. However, this is more about what I’ve learned from it than the break-up itself.**

I made a comment to a co-worker in passing about the ex calling and he said something that reduced me to tears. He doesn’t read my blog and he’ll probably never know the effect he had on me today. That said, I am truly grateful for his thoughtfulness. It really helped solidy my belief in myself and my actions. So after our very brief conversation he took the time to write to me thru the terminals and say,

“…w/o really knowing what happened, I know you and I know whatever he did he probably deserved it. You are a compassionate and gentle creature.”

This from a straight guy who used to be a cop. Not exceptionally known for his overt kind nature. You wouldn’t believe such a small statement could reduce me to tears. I was so bloody blubbery I had to take a break! (This conversation occured via computer terminals) If you are one of my few regular readers you know I tried really hard thru the whole dramatic break-up to be the better man. And here is a person who doesn’t know any of the details of my life and he totally gets it. He totally get’s what I’ve been going thru w/o even knowing it. The blind understanding of his comment just pushed me over the edge. I got all blurry-eyed and had to take a moment to collect myself. It was so “Elizabeth Taylor” I’m giggling now. However, at the time it was a very defining moment.

And w/that blog fans, stick a fork in me cause I’m done! It’s been an emotional day. No phones, no friends. Just me w/my feet up in front of the Tivo.

Ciao!

Poor vs Pride

With mixed feelings, I write todays blog. I’m coming up very short on finances for the trip home to see my father before he passes. None of the airlines offer cheap fare for last wishes blah blah blah. The few who do offer bereavement fare only do so AFTER the person is dead. Well, what good does that do me. So, my buddy suggested I solicit donations via paypal. My first response was no. However, as his condition gets worse I’m forced to reconsider. I figure if guys can solicit money to cover their blogs then I can do it for a much more worthy cause.

So without further ado, I have added a paypal button. If you can afford it and donate, I’m forever in your debt. If not, don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is, nothing more.

The Pending Death of My Father

My rants have been kinda limited lately. I’ve been dealing w/some bad news I got this week. I haven’t quite digested all of it until now.

My father has been battling lung cancer for the past year. He had a grapefruit sized tumor removed from his upper left lung back in October. They discovered recently it has metastasized into his hip bones. This type of cancer is not treatable and non-operable. Basically, right now he is in a hospice testing his tolerance for pain and what meds are most effective at the smallest dosage. Once that’s over, he gets to go home to live out his remaining days. There is zero hope of recovery.

Now for those of you that know me, you know there isn’t much love loss between my family and myself. Mainly over my coming out nightmare. But that’s sorta just the icing on the cake so to speak. My childhood evolved from one tragedy to the next and its not a part of my life that I reflect upon often. To understand my thoughts now, its probably best if you go back and read the history. Otherwise, the context of the next paragraph will be completely lost on you. I often use harsh sarcasm and puns to describe my family. (ie…if you trace the roots of white trash back to its origins, you’d find my family tree)

This news has brought forth a few inner demons I thought long exorcized. In trying to resolve some of the conflicting emotions, I’ve come to realize I still love my father. Not as deeply as the normal father/son relationship but love nonetheless. Honestly, this is a bit of a surprise. I often joke that his passing would be a release. The same release that I welcomed when my step mother, Satan-in-drag, finally died and left us for the underworld. (Like I said, you need to read the history.) I find myself wishing he wasn’t sick and I keep asking myself why. He robbed me of so much as a child and as an adult why should I love him? I never got to do ANY of the father/son things that fathers do w/their kids. He doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves the love of a child they so harshly abandoned. The only good memories I have of him are back when I was very young before the death of my foster mother. Everything after that is just ugly.

Deserving or not, I did forgive him. I find that I don’t care about the reasons. My father and I currently have a very distant relationship. I see him about once a year and I never make more than a day of it. We talk, catch up on our lives, and I quickly realize why I fled bum fuck nowhere Texas ages ago. So, now I’m in the position to cause harm or comfort. I find myself only wanting to comfort him. I guess that says good things about me. I just can’t help thinking about all the things that could have been had he not been so closed minded.