Category: dating

Doh!

I have a little confession to make.  I sorta met someone recently.  No, not the beefy guy. Actually, I met this guy before the beefy guy but only off and on and mostly in the carnal sense. While on the beefy side as well, he has more of a humpy corn fed look. [1]Not to mention, an ass so plump and juicy it would make you sit up and beg.  I’m sure I don’t need to fill in the details.  I’ll just say we seemed to be a good “fit”.  And with the beefy guy out of the picture, corn fed boy has been a nice distraction, to say the least.

We’ve spent about 5 nights together off/on over the last 2 weeks. I know, shame on me for not spilling the beans earlier.  With everything else as of late, I just didn’t get around to blabbing about it, sue me.  Plus, as I said, things weren’t serious.  However, I was beginning to get the impression things might take a more serious route.  Well that is until tonight.  After a very hot couple rounds of sex, he tells me he has been seeing someone else and has to stop playing around with me. WTF?  I guess things are getting a little more serious with the other guy.  Talk about a kick in the teeth. 

I can handle him choosing the other guy over me, but his total selfish approach hit me a bit wrong. To add insult to injury, I had invited him to a party with me tonight. [2]Rob, sorry I didn’t make it.  Obviously, that didn’t happen. My mood was a bit soured so I ended up sitting at home polishing off a box of girl scout cookies, a chicken/cheese bagel, and two cups of pudding.

I’m over it now.  The good news is I’ll make it to the gym nice and early tomorrow to work off the billion calories I consumed tonight. 

As the ever famous Hateful Helen would say, “NEXT!”

References

References
↑1 Not to mention, an ass so plump and juicy it would make you sit up and beg.
↑2 Rob, sorry I didn’t make it.

Goose Pimples

Yours truly, met someone new today!  I know, surprise! heh heh

While I don’t have a set type, I do have an affinity for guys that look rough on the outside and soft on the inside.  I ran into a guy at the gym today who I think fits that mold to a T.  lol  Actually, I ran into him in the steam room.  No, nothing happened.  Well, not exactly.  We broke the cardinal room of steam rooms, we talked! lol  I got the distinct pleasure of watching one old codger get all huffy and storm out.  But I digress…

I’ve seen him a few times before but being significantly more muscular than I am, I didn’t really think I’d be his type.  Apparently, I might be wrong.  He is about my height, muscled, hairy, several tattoos, bald head, and a very nice smile. [1]a nice smile gets me every time!  Yeah, that sounds hot and he was but the most significant (and endearing) thing about him was his frank and open demeanor, a trait I find very attractive in others.  And frankly, it is a bit hard to find in a city like SF.  I often sort of reign myself in when meeting someone new as I can be a little intense sometimes.  I didn’t really feel the need while we were chatting and he seemed just as at ease.  [2]Am I swooning? lol  Ok, ok, I thought he was hot too!

Never being the shy one, I gave him my card and he said he’d get in touch.  I know how that goes.  I’m always of the mind nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Well, true to his word, he emailed me and we are supposed to hang out this weekend.  

Wish me luck!?

References

References
↑1 a nice smile gets me every time!
↑2 Am I swooning? lol  Ok, ok, I thought he was hot too!

TFA Onward

I  haven’t talked much about TFA lately.  That has been partly on purpose.  I needed some time to work thru some things percolating in ma head.  I will reveal he has been dating someone new and seems absolutely smitten.  Of which, I’m very happy about.  I know I know, you are shaking head going “huh”?  (I’ll get to that, keep reading)  lol  The new guy seems to be much more what TFA needs as well as wants in a partner.  I’ve always felt TFA and I met for a reason.  Whether it was he to learn from me or vice-versa is still up for grabs.  I do think at the time we met, TFA needed me but I wasn’t what he wanted.  I know for some that won’t make sense but for me it totally does. 

I’m sure by now you are gathering from my comments I have indeed let go of the angst I felt regarding TFA.  Actually, it was some time ago.  It had more to do with my own insecurities really.  Seeing that and dealing with it was an important step for me.  I still care for him very much but that concern has evolved into an enduring friendship. [1]well, a friendship with ‘benefits’. heh heh heh

Having let go of my internal issues, I find I am extremely happy with our relationship at present.  His new boyfriend knows about me and is completely ok with the connection and friendship we share.  After a long talk last night, I think TFA has clearly conveyed to him I am not a threat to their budding romance.  Considering he will be here for a long layover the weekend after my upcoming birthday, I felt it was important to make sure our connection would not hinder or interfere with his new love interest. 

* 

On a side rant, seeing TFA struggle to overcome his demons these last couple years has served to remind me of my past struggles and has kept me focused on my own life’s path.  He often tells me he sees our friendship lasting well into old age.  I’m very flattered and heartened by that. 

One of my life’s goals has been to know when I die, I’ll do so knowing I leave behind people who will remember and miss me. [2]For you tiny few LONG time readers, this will make total sense to you.  The rest of ya…get busy!  TFA definitely brings me one step closer to that goal.

References

References
↑1 well, a friendship with ‘benefits’. heh heh heh
↑2 For you tiny few LONG time readers, this will make total sense to you.  The rest of ya…get busy!

TFA Onward

I  haven’t talked much about TFA lately.  That has been partly on purpose.  I needed some time to work thru some things percolating in ma head.  I will reveal he has been dating someone new and seems absolutely smitten.  Of which, I’m very happy about.  I know I know, you are shaking head going “huh”?  (I’ll get to that, keep reading)  lol  The new guy seems to be much more what TFA needs as well as wants in a partner.  I’ve always felt TFA and I met for a reason.  Whether it was he to learn from me or vice-versa is still up for grabs.  I do think at the time we met, TFA needed me but I wasn’t what he wanted.  I know for some that won’t make sense but for me it totally does. 

I’m sure by now you are gathering from my comments I have indeed let go of the angst I felt regarding TFA.  Actually, it was some time ago.  It had more to do with my own insecurities really.  Seeing that and dealing with it was an important step for me.  I still care for him very much but that concern has evolved into an enduring friendship.1

Having let go of my internal issues, I find I am extremely happy with our relationship at present.  His new boyfriend knows about me and is completely ok with the connection and friendship we share.  After a long talk last night, I think TFA has clearly conveyed to him I am not a threat to their budding romance.  Considering he will be here for a long layover the weekend after my upcoming birthday, I felt it was important to make sure our connection would not hinder or interfere with his new love interest. 

* 

On a side rant, seeing TFA struggle to overcome his demons these last couple years has served to remind me of my past struggles and has kept me focused on my own life’s path.  He often tells me he sees our friendship lasting well into old age.  I’m very flattered and heartened by that. 

One of my life’s goals has been to know when I die, I’ll do so knowing I leave behind people who will remember and miss me.2  TFA definitely brings me one step closer to that goal.

  1. well, a friendship with ‘benefits’. heh heh heh
  2. For you tiny few LONG time readers, this will make total sense to you.  The rest of ya…get busy!

Weekend “Stuff”

This past weekend was rather fun.  I went for a 150 mile ride two days in a row.  The first day I went solo and the 2nd day I rode with a friend from the sports bike group.  The 2nd day was the most fun as we drove down to Big Basin park.  The views were awesome and the windy roads even better!  There was a moment when we were taking a break where this very friendly guy came over to chat with us.  I first pegged him as gay…well until his wife sauntered over.  He was very friendly.  One might say too friendly for your average straight guy.  My friend and I both thought there might have been a ‘story’ there. lol  Anyway, the rides were awesome.  I’m loving the new bike more and more every day. I am kicking myself for waiting so long to upgrade.  As for the shoulder, it is healed up nicely.  I still have some numbness around the wound from nerve damage but it is better every week. 

Friday night I also had dinner with Adam & Brad.  I hadn’t seen them in ages and it was nice to catch up.  They seem very acclimated to life in the big city now. heehee  Brad is looking rather hot as he has been hitting the gym pretty hard.

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I finished Gears of War on the first 2 difficulty settings. The hardcore mode is proving rather difficult.  I can only imagine what “insane” mode is going to be like. lol  The online mode for this one is way ahead of the previous version.  I have to admit the game has consumed a lot of my free time as of late. 

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TFA was in town this past week as well.  We had an awesome time, as usual.  He gave me the nicest compliment w/o even realizing it.  While I was undressing (get your mind out of my gutter), he casually mentioned, “someone’s been working out“.  It was so unrehearsed and off-the-cuff I knew he meant it vs just trying to flatter me. hehehe  So…he got it extra hard just for that, twice! 

Still Kicking

Had a bit of a busy weekend. My friend Trev was in town from Houston. We don’t get to see each other as much as we used to so it was good to see him. He is going on a cruise tomorrow and promptly dragged me all over the city shopping for last minute “items”. [1]And ya know I was just kicking and screaming. lol Unfortunately, this led to some muscle spasms in my back and neck. Fast forward to my Chiro visit and I discovered I have whiplash from the accident. Not severe but still enough to cause problems when I stand or walk a lot. It is truly amazing how good you can feel from a good chiro adjustment. OY!

We also went to see “Burn After Reading”. It’s a dark comedy with Brad Pitt & George Clooney. There were some definite funny scenes and Brad Pitt’s character was hysterical. However, overall this is more of a DVD movie, IMHO. The build up was great and the acting was decent however, the ending was too quick and too convenient. It sort of spoils the mood the plot spends a lot of time building.

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TFA is in town for a layover tonight so I get to see him too! I haven’t seen him since the accident so naturally I’m very “excited” about that. hehehe

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The gym has been good. Ironically, the whiplash hasn’t affected me there at all. I think mostly because I haven’t incorporated any heavy back workouts into my routine yet. Today was supposed to be my back however, I switched to arms. I have no desire to re-injure myself in any capacity. That said, I am so happy to be working out again. The arm workout was great and the endorphins were even better. I also ran into “pubis boy” while I was there. It was all I could do not to pounce on him. lol

*
Overall, it seems I am, in fact, my old self again. The violent mood swings and paranoia have definitely subsided. I’m still scheduled to see my doc tomorrow. I had my blood work done last week so he should have some answers for me one way or another.

References

References
↑1 And ya know I was just kicking and screaming. lol

Feedback

Well, a big thank you to everyone who offered advice here and in private about the guy I mentioned in the previous post. I made the comment sort of off-hand but I do appreciate the advice. The roomie could care less if I do anything with him. They never dated seriously and it was some time ago.

In all honestly, I’m not even sure the guy is single. I’ve just run into him a few times and swooned a bit. If and when I decide I wanna go for more, rest assured I will. hehehe If you’ve learned anything by now, you should have learned I’m not the least bit shy.

Get Over It Already

I know you are probably sick of hearing about my drama w/TFA but I’m still struggling w/my feelings so you get to suffer w/me.

We aren’t together anymore in the sense of dating however, we still see each other about as much if not more than we did before.  He and I both realize it just isn’t meant to be right now. 

That said, every time we talk and share intimacy I find it hard to get my head into the proper perspective again.  I want more damn it.  I know I can’t have it and it is driving me fraking nuts.  I also can’t help wondering if that is what’s making me want him more.  I don’t like being denied.  At ALL!  I know, color your surprised right?  It is a character flaw I’ve been aware of for years. [1]Remind me to tell you that story one day.  Juicy but so not my best moment  So I find myself mulling over my feelings trying to decide is it true desire or just being denied that keeps throwing my id into chaos.

I don’t have an answer yet.  Like I said, I’m just kicking it around in my head trying to figure it out.

References

References
↑1 Remind me to tell you that story one day.  Juicy but so not my best moment

Confounded & More

Ok, I guess my last post wasn’t very clear.  The general assumption seems to be that I’m referring to potential partners.  I wasn’t.  Or more to the point, potential partners fall under the intended gist but was by no means the focus.  I used TFA as an example only because many here have followed my ups/downs with him. [1]I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

I was referring to reciprocity in people that come into my life and stay in my life in much more general way.  That applies to friends, family, and lovers equally.  Never fear, I have no plans to stop being who I am.  I just need to re-examine my priorities a bit. Being kind, compassionate, or sympathetic is a tiny fraction of a continuing long term emotional investment in others.  What I am discovering is I need to differentiate and prioritize between random kindness and investing myself in someone who gives nothing in return.  I don’t mean tit for tat, I mean someone who cares and invests themselves in me as well.  That applies to everyone not just potential partners.   

One commenter wrote that "some people are givers and others are takers."  Sorry, but that is a cop out in my opinion.  Continuously being on one side of the spectrum is not healthy.  And it is something I’ve realized for myself that is holding me back.  Ironically, I’m on the giving side.  How’s that for a kick in the pants? lol 

References

References
↑1 I was happy to be there for TFA when he needed me.  We are still close and talk almost daily.

Reciprocity

n. :the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence.

The word isn’t exactly what I’m referring to but it is the closest I can articulate.  Go with it. 

Several events as of late have given me pause to think about the current path I’m on in my life.  The on again off again scenario with TFA is a big one.  Several other past and present events have come into play as well.  I’m humbled that at my age I can still learn things about myself. [1]One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.

I tend to be someone who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  I invest a great deal of myself in people I care about.  Oddly, I’m discovering I’m not always getting the same investment in return.  The latter I’m sure has a lot to do with a low self-worth as a child.  Anyway, it wasn’t until I was knee deep in a philosophical conversation with a newish friend recently that it hit me.  I have a horrible habit of investing myself in someone, friend or otherwise, without expecting or even demanding the same in return.  I’m referring to the like energies of time, compassion, concern, advice, and the level of involvement. 

I’ve always felt it is important to be compassionate, kind, genuine, etc.  I’m discovering it is also just as important to require the type of investment from others I invest in them.  I’ll admit this will be hard for me.  It is my nature to give of myself. 

 

Continue reading Reciprocity

References

References
↑1 One of my biggest fears is becoming jaded and bitter.