Category: dating

Hurry Up Already

So after my big realization and then spilling my guts to M the other day I’ve been a complete basket case. I can’t get him out of my head. Every time my damn phone beeps I jump to see if its him. God, do I reek of sadness. What was I expecting? After my big confession he’d just jump right back into my life and everything would be hunky-dory? In a way, I think that is exactly what I was expecting. Well, my heart was but my head knows better. And let’s face it, patience has never been one of my better virtues.1 My buddy Terris from work was completely blown away today. He said he’d never seen me so “unsettled”. Unsettled? I told him to “blow me”. lol

I can’t help it. I’m naturally aggressive and when I want something I go for it.2 I also tend to obsess when something is on my mind. The good news is I’ve learned to wait before I acting on irrational impulses. That doesn’t prevent me from whining about it here though. He left today to go out of town for a whole week on work. Which is probably a good thing as it gives me time to clear my head. I guess deep down I’m afraid I might have blown it with the one guy who wanted me for the right reasons. Oh won’t that be a wonderful “life’s lesson” for the blog.

Continue reading Hurry Up Already

Can of Worms

Just when I think I’ve learned all I can about myself, life throws me yet another curve ball. There is so much irony in this post it borders on hilarity.

I opened a can of worms tonight. Unlike my professional behavior, I have absolutely no patience when it comes to my heart. I ran into my soon-to-be-single friend again tonight at Starbucks. 1 He sits down and I was dead set on keeping it casual. His ex hasn’t moved out yet and I’m determined not to be a rebound. Ha! So much for that. We start talking and before I knew it, I was asking him what happened between us. I mean, I knew the first time was my fault. I wasn’t ready and I pushed him away. I readily admit that. It is not something I’m particularly proud of but it was my M.O. for quite awhile. Never intentionally but that doesn’t make it ok. Out of my own insecurities, I used to come on rather strong when I met someone new. However, once the newness wore off and I actually got to know the guy underneath, I would get bored and move on. Not very nice to the other person who thinks my strong signals mean more than they did. I’ve realized that about myself. The twist here is with M I didn’t get bored. It scared me and I ran. I don’t think I’ve ever shared this and I don’t like admitting it but, I hate fear as an emotion. Growing up in constant fear of my step-mother gave me that.2

What I didn’t know was the second time was sorta my fault as well. Turns out, he was more than a little hurt after the first time (unsurprisingly) and was afraid to get too close to me again. So, he pushed me away before I could do it to him a second time. The thing about me and attraction, I like to know the guy I’m into is into me. Unbeknownst to him of course, I was ready the second time and his lack of conviction hurt me. Tit for tat? Possibly but I doubt it. M is probably the only person I’ve ever broken things off with and regretted it aftewards. It didn’t help that right after our second split he met his new guy.3

Learning all of this brought me to tears. Not a gully washer but I did get a little teary-eyed. Here is the part where the preverbal can “gets opened”. He teared up as well. I knew, at that moment, he still cared for me. I pushed and I pushed hard. I couldn’t help myself. I apologized for the pain I caused him. I also told him I wanted him to have some space but when he is ready, I want to try again. I meant it too. I can’t say where it will lead but I’m ready this time. I think he is too.

The last great irony here? I don’t think it would have worked between us if I hadn’t had the fall out w/Drew. He shared w/me he also didn’t think it would have worked had he not met his soon-to-be ex.

My head and my heart are all a jumble at the moment.

1 Irony 1, this is where we first met.
2 Irony 2, this had a big influence on my pursuit of Drew when we met 3 months later.
3 Irony 3, even though he didn’t say it, I had the distinct impression, our failed second attempt pushed him to pursue the new guy as hard as he did. Are you laughing yet?

Color Me Surprised

Wow! I expected a small flurry of emails after my last post however, the number of folks who signed up really blew me away. I got 62 registrations. Sixty two! Who knew? lol And new ones are still rolling in. I’m more than a little flattered. Really. I’m honored so many folks actually read my madness. Ok, enough gushing, moving on now. Most of you I’ve already upgraded. You should now be able to see a private post I added last night.

There were a few folks I didn’t recognize. I emailed you directly and hope to hear back from you. I don’t need anything overly revealing. Just take a moment to introduce yourself and give me some sort of connection.

Abruptly switching gears here, I discovered recently a friend is splitting w/his beau. While I’m genuinely sorry it didn’t work out, I’m also a little bit gleeful.1 I dated said friend briefly. I let it fizzle out due to my own fears and insecurities. Frankly, I was afraid of getting close to someone after my ex. Of course, I realized (too late) that my interest in said friend was more than just a passing one. I regretted not pursuing it further but, not being a homewrecker, I gave him space and room to grow happy in the new relationship.2 Now that he is soon to be single again, I’m wondering how to proceed. Should I fess up to him or just try to strengthen our friendship and see where it leads? Tsk, tsk! Decisions decisions. It doesn’t help I also recently met someone from out of town that I enjoyed spending time with as well. And said someone, is coming to visit me again very soon.

I seem cursed to always end up having to choose between two guys. I am never am able to meet just one guy and take the time to see where it goes. I’m reminded of the phrase “when it rains, it pours” here. The real irony is I have no problem separating love and sex. Monogamy is something I’m not really into. However, I’m not very good at dating more than one person at a time. I wonder what Freud would have to say about that?

Oh well, only time will tell I guess. In the meantime, I’ll continue being my normal incorrigible self.

1 Does that make me a bad person?
2 I sorta expected it to fail though. The boyfriend was kind of a flake. I know I sound biased here but I thought so before they met.

Party’s Over

I’ve sorta been revelling in my new found free time lately. So much so I think I’m making myself sick. I woke up today w/a low grade fever and a sore throat1. I’ve been on the go all weekend. Sorta like the energizer bunny….going, going, and going. Well, this bunny is worn down. I know, my activities are lame compared to some peoples standards but I’m not into all that.

So today, I’m just taking it easy. I do have to get laundry and errands dones so just a low-key slow paced day to recover. I haven’t been eating very good lately either. While I love fast-food, I limit myself to one or two trips a week. Lately, it’s been my mainstay. Time to get back on track. I can’t very well expect results at the gym if I’m only cramming regular unleaded into my system. Nope, It’s Premium only for this body2.

In sort of related news, I joined Zip car today. My roommate uses them all the time so I figured I’d give it a try. If you aren’t familiar with it, basically, they have mini “stations” of cars all over the city3. You log on, reserve one, and then just go pick it up. They cover the gas, insurance, everything. Starting at $8.00 bucks an hour, it’s hard to beat. Especially, when you just need it for errands and don’t need a traditional 24 hour rental. In a city as dense as SF, it goes over well. I’m surprised it took me this long to try it. I’ll let you know how it goes. Today is my first rental for groceries.

The dating bug is biting at me again. I’m not sure why I’m so keenly aware of this part of my life right now. If you read w/any regularity, you know my feelings on dating. You also know my history at such attempts. I’m still puzzeling over this one so I’ll have to get back to you. I do know I’m not feeling the old “whats wrong w/me” pangs. I think I’ve finally grown beyond that. It’s hard to explain w/o having you inside my head. Anyway, once I puzzle it out, I’ll share it.

1 Nothing so glamorous as all night drinking benges or drugs. As if. Have you forgotten where I work?

2Ok, it was a cheesey reference. Shoot me already.

3 They have 3, count’em 3, within just a few blocks of my apartment. I may never order online for Safeway again. hehehehe

Not No But Hell NO

I got dished today. Even harder than last time. Even moi gets kicked to the curb sometimes.

I’ve been seeing this guy around town for awhile now. At least a year. Usually in the gay ghetto or ghayto as I call it. Now my gaydar is pretty good but my nookie-dar is even better. But, I admit this guy had me a little stumped. He’d give me just enough signals to think he was interested but then he’d walk away. And for clarity, what I’d observed of said fella, I liked. I fancied him enough to consider asking him out. I know I know, God forbid I actually go on a date vs a booty call.

Today, I’m at Daddybucks catching up on some charity work. I see him as I enter and again w/the glances. As fate would have it, the only open seat was directly behind him just inside (he was outside). I sit down, setup, and start working. Every so often he literally turns far enough around to look at me. And the looks are coming fast and strong so I decide to return the favor. He is eating up. Then, status quo, he gets up and leaves. I’m miffed but not over annoyed at this point. Twenty minutes later he comes back. Not one glance this time. He spends a few minutes in conversation w/the bear congregation in front then comes inside. My first thought was he was coming over to say hi. Nay. He sits down w/this guy on the bench along the wall. Next to me but slightly to the back. I’m figuring he is using this as an excuse to get close enough to spark a conversation. Nay again fellow blogger. No, as it turns out he and this guy are “meeting” for the first time and a very intimate conversation ensues. Soon to be followed by some fumbling and petting.

At this point, I’m a little disgusted. I mean come on. Here you are going all gooey eyes for me and you turn and start rotating this guys crank right in front of me. I know I shouldn’t have been but I was pissed. After a few minutes, I packed up and left. (On a side note, this gave me the impetus to get my ass home to do laundry.)

So being a more than a little disappointed, it hasn’t ruined my mood. It’s been a hard couple of weeks and frankly, I don’t have time to let such nonsense ruin my day. However, I’m amazed at how fickle fags can be sometimes. I’m trying not to sound like a hypocrite here. I get around and it’s no secret I’m generous w/the nookie. However, I don’t “work” someone that hard and then switch to the next fella right in front of them!

Men. ba humbug Why couldn’t I have been a lesbian? (g)

Lost Another One…

Why is it every time I meet a guy that rocks, he is already taken?  I mean I so rarely find a guy I wanna date.  WTF is up w/that?
I’ve seen this guy around town over that last few months.  He often makes eye contact w/the that slow sensual “yeah, I wanna put it in you” sort of look.  Today, we run into each other at the gym.  We talk, great connection. So, right when I’m about to ask him on a date, he springs it on me….Oh yeah, the “I already have a boyfriend”.

They have an open relationship yadda yadda yadda but, I probably won’t go there.  The great thing about 3ways is the anonymity of it all.  Having a one sided connection to him now, I think it would be a spectacular failure.
*sigh*

Sigh III

My last post yesterday brought up a lot of painful memories. It’s no wonder I’m feeling more than a little lonely today. Yeah, I still yearn for a partner in life. Yeah, I’d love to find a love as strong as the first one. The cluster fuck w/Bent Collective shows I’m still willing. But should I sacrifice myself in the process? Should I conform and be a ‘good little faggot’ to save face within our community? Should I change who I am and pretend it’s all “ok”? Or, should I jump from one failed relationship to the next in the vain hope of finding some attention? (Say it w/me kiddies . . . C-O – d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e!) Been there, done that, still have the t-shirt. I’ve done that most of my adult life and frankly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of settling for second best. (And I think I’ve probably blathered on about this before but sometimes a horse needs a good beating.)

No, what this trip brought home to me is that I am unwilling to succomb to such an ugly emotion. I’ve seen firsthand what loneliness does to a person when left to fester in your soul. No, I will not conform. No, I will not change who I am just to be accepted. No, I will not look in every failed relationship for validation. Yes, I must face the possiblity that I may always be alone. But in the end, I’ll be able to say I found some self-respect. Something I’ve been lacking my whole life.

Still Here…

I survived 6 + 6+ (0)6 day. Thank you to everyone for the kind words. I’m upset but I sorta saw it coming so not the end of the world. I am little bitter but I have a right to be. And no, I don’t regret it. I learned a few things about myself in the process so in the end it wasn’t a total waste. Here’s a twist. I ran into someone yesterday that I’d sorta put on the back burner. (I’m never been able to date more the one guy at a time.) I wiped the egg off my face and explained why I’d been so distant. He was still very interested and very happy to see me. Irony or fate? You be the judge.

In other not so dramatic news, I went to Ikea yesterday. Can I just say how much I love Ikea. I could redecorate my apartment several times over for under 10 grand. I wanted to buy everything but bought nothing instead. I’m trying to put together a new scheme in my head for the living room now that the roomie has moved in. He found a chair we both like that he likes and I can live with. The roomie tends to like very contemporary stuff while I like the more hardwood rugged look. I think we can do a merger of both w/some thought beforehand. The chair he picked, while not my first choice, is the right color scheme so it will fit in nicely.

This is sort of a new experience for me as I rarely decorate. I could take you shopping and dress you to the nines w/o much effort. However, I’ve never felt the need to invest time/effort into decorating a place that isn’t my own. Well, I’m tired of living in white cardboard surroundings. I plan to be in SF for at least 2 more years so I might as well make my new pad comfy. Nothing grand or flawless, just some new paint and a couple of well thought out pieces of furniture.

I’m off to instruct class.

Kiss & Tell…

*another long winded rant, lord you are asking for it today. grab a sandwich*

Well, I’m flattered so many guys are interested in my love (or lust) life. I was taken aback by the flood of emails (and posts). *g* I was in such a good mood today I didn’t even mind the one very nasty email I got.

First, thank you sincerely to all the well-wishers. You solidify my optimistic belief in the kindness and compassion of humanity. (Being from the South, kindness is a biggie in my book.) Since I have yet to meet said person, I don’t plan on preemptively ruining it by blabbering my (and his) “biz-ness” all over my blog. I’m sure you can respect that even if you’re chomping at the bit to know. Like I said before. . . All good things cum all over come to those who wait.

I was really struck by the number of emails asking “what type of guy I’m hoping to land?” That’s not an easy question to answer. Especially, when I’m not hoping to land anyone. I’m open to a relationship however, I think ‘searching’ for one puts too much pressure on the interaction. And, I’m still growing as a person so it is really hard for me to answer w/any finality.

Continue reading Kiss & Tell…