Author: Moby

Optimisitic

First, thank you to the folks who reached out to me after my last post. I wasn’t down or depressed. I find talking about it quite therapeutic. It was on my mind so I put pen to paper, so to speak. But, yes I’m doing well.

I’ve found myself feeling optimistic again lately. It helps that we are back in the gym again…again. I feel like we’ve crossed a major hurdle now and we are over the worst of this pandemic. The supply is now on track and a 3rd vaccine just got an EUA. [1]Emergency Use Authorization It is my prediction we won’t see anymore severe lockdowns, at least here in California. Hopefully, my words bear out to be true.

Speaking of the gym, after the first severe lockdown and they sorted out a tier system, I had the roughest time getting back into a solid gym routine. Ironically, right when I found my stride they got shut down again. We’ve been back at it for a couple weeks now and this time it wasn’t as hard. It was a shorter break but I was surprised I didn’t need the extra weeks to build back endurance. The weight I’m slinging is still much lower, but it feels good to be back.

Fun fact, the government will not mandate the vaccine. Vaccines released under EUA aren’t eligible for mandatory vaccination orders. While I trust the sciences, EUAs are designed to allow for immediate use while study continues. However, that does not mean you won’t see restrictions on day to day activities from private companies. You may end up having to show proof to go back to in-person work, fly, or return as an adult to college, etc.

Locally, we are moving into the Red Tier this week. Red is still restrictive but a lot of businesses, including restaurants, get to re-open at limited capacity.  New cases have been below 100 per day for almost two weeks now and available ICU beds are way up. It seems people in general are more optimistic and looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully, as vaccinations rise, we will ease back to normal by year end. I’ve even seen some big events toward the end of the year start planning for in person gatherings.

For myself, I miss hugging. Such a small thing but I miss it. Sure, I miss traveling. I miss the ease of just “doing things”, but it’s the little things I miss the most. I miss the casual intimacy that comes from being close to people you know. I’m eagerly looking forward to it.

As always, hope springs eternal…

References

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↑1 Emergency Use Authorization

Melancholy

This time of year gets me a little down. [1]As apposed to the madness we are slowly coming out of now in the political world  Today, marks the anniversary of my beloved Coopers’ death. I am not sure how he touched me so deep, but I still long for him. The intensity of his death has diminished but the longing for him is as strong as ever. He barreled into my life like a little dynamo and I was better for it. His absence is felt often but more so this time of year.

Next month also marks the anniversaries for the death of both my father and mother, albeit decades apart. Their anniversaries are less than 2 weeks apart. I’ve mentioned before the memories of my mother have become dull. I still have a funeral card to keep her face alive in my mind; however, the memories themselves tend to blur after so many years. I was 5 when she passed. I’ve always wondered how my life would have turned out had she survived her battle with cancer. I can’t honestly say I knew her well enough to know what she would have thought of me being gay. I like to think she would have come to terms with it. The story of my adoption leads me to believe this. For those of you who have not read my history here, I was abused/neglected as an infant. In a defiant act to my birth father, my birth mother asked her friend, my soon to be Aunt, to adopt me. It was out of the question for various reasons so she brought me to her brother, my soon to be foster dad. The story goes that once my foster mother held me in her arms and saw how terrible I looked, that was it it was decided. So yeah, I like to think, however much it might have pained her, she would have come to terms with it, or at least that is what I tell myself. I do remember my mother was gentle but utterly fearless when confronted. I’ll never know and I’m ok with thinking she would have accepted me.

My father and I were estranged for a long time after my abrupt departure from home. We didn’t speak for many years and even after that it was always strained. We never regained the bond that a father/son normally reach to some degree in adulthood. We did get closure together before his death. I say we because I got a closure I didn’t realize at the time that I needed. I now remember him with sorrow for the relationship we could have had together had he not rejected me at such an early age. I find the pain/trauma of my childhood has taken a backseat to the regret of never having a better relationship with him. I do wonder if I had tried harder to mend fences and be closer after our reconciliation if things would have been different between us. I didn’t feel the onus was on me, but now that he is gone it is one of my regrets nonetheless.

It was several years after the death of my father before I realized my melancholy moods around this time of year had meaning. When I notice the turn of my inner mood I now reach for the memories. There is some joy in it as well. In recent years, my memories of Cooper have tended to blend with my thoughts of the past. I guess with the anniversaries being so close it makes sense. As I’ve aged, I have also found many of the good memories from my childhood sprinkled in amongst all the painful ones. I discovered I find solace in remembering the past. In a weird way I think I look forward to it. I am not one to dwell on the past, but pulling up the memories strengthens me today in the now. I pull the memories up, even some of the painful ones and I remember. I remember what got me here and I remember who I am because of my past.

Be well, my friends.

References

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↑1 As apposed to the madness we are slowly coming out of now in the political world

50

Well, the terrible day has arrived. I’m 50! (Yes, I’m totes joking)

As I’m fond of saying, I’ve reached ancient in gay-years. I’m an elder now. It is time for to don my robe, take up my staff, and take a seat on the #alphabetmafia council. (If you are on TikTok, you know where that phrase came from. I love it!) I mean those free toasters aren’t always enough to swell our ranks, am I right? Apparently, I’m supposed to have lost interest in a whole host of activities I’m still participating in. [1]Maybe now that I am on the council of elders, I’ll be able to get my memos more regularly.) ) To be honest, I don’t feel 50. Well, parts of me feel 50 but overall, I don’t feel it. … Continue reading day. I’m hoping the Biden/Harris inauguration goes off without too much drama.

I joke but I know a lot of gay men struggle with aging. Our community isn’t always the kindest to older gays. I’ve never minded my age or aging. And considering for a few reasons, I never thought I’d even reach 50, I’m perfectly fine with it. Sure, there are times I might feel the sting of being less attractive or less appealing as years past, but those things are superficial. I try to take it in stride. My life was a tragic rollercoaster ride before I made it to 25, so 50 has been an easy target.

I can actually remember one time when I was still new to blogging wondering what I would be doing if I made it to 50. In my mind it was a far off place full of disbelief and what-ifs. lolol  Well, here I am. I like to think I’m a better man than I was back then. I certainly struggled along the way. I am a little proud that I am still blogging, albeit nowhere near as often. I took to blogging like it was made for me back then. This blog has been a priceless tool in my journey of self-discovery. I credit so much of my emotional growth to this medium.

As I hit the half centennial mark, I do realize the scope of my age and the breadth of changes in me, my life, and the world around me. I mean, I am old enough to remember Pong after all. There was not internet when I was a kid. There was no cell/smart phones, WIFI, Bluetooth, or social media. Hell, even 911 didn’t exist until I was in high school. Cars didn’t have seatbelts, gasoline was less than a dollar per gallon, TV’s had less than 10 channels with no remote control. Cassette tapes were the size of a small tablet and restaurants still had “smoking or non” in one room. The world has jumped far ahead in technology. Sadly, I’ve witnessed many of the very tools meant to unite us only serve to divide us further.

I’m not feeble just yet but I can’t push myself like I used to when I was a wee lad. That would probably be my only regret at this point. I’m still pretty fit, covid-19 times considered, but the body isn’t as resilient. I’m eagerly headed back to the gym (outdoors) this coming weekend. I had several minor injuries in 2019 that plagued me throughout the whole year. It made me realize I’m not as spry and flexible as I used to be. That said, I look forward to more years in the gym.

I have never been huge on birthdays so not much is planned. I have to work for one. With the covid-19 restrictions still very much in effect, I’ll probably end up doing what I usually do. Sit my wide ass on the couch, cuddle with Daisy [2]and Toby, and play video games. I know I know, I’m not supposed to like video games at my age. Pissh! Tosh! I do what makes brings me joy, naysayers notwithstanding.

I look forward to my years ahead, however many that might be. And as always, hope springs eternal…

 

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↑1 Maybe now that I am on the council of elders, I’ll be able to get my memos more regularly.) )

To be honest, I don’t feel 50. Well, parts of me feel 50 but overall, I don’t feel it. My face might look it, but I don’t feel it. And 50 appears to be the new 40 in many of my circles so I guess I don’t have to go into seclusion just yet. Of course, today is also inauguration ((corrected – thanks Kevin!

↑2 and Toby

January 6, 2021

Well, I think we can all agree yesterday was a total shit show! Armed conspiracy nuts descended en-masse on the capitol, after days & weeks of being fed propaganda & lies by our out-going president, congressional leaders, and propaganda media. This day will go down as a dark stain on American history.

We all witnessed it unfold for the world to see. These patriots traitors committed seditious acts and deserve to be prosecuted once the new administration takes office. Even worse, the active president refused to act allowing the situation to go on for hours before enough forces would be mobilized to quell the insurrection. [1]Several news outlets reported it was Pence who authorized the National Guard, even though that power rests squarely with the president. It is important to remember D.C. is not a state yet  And let us not forget the inept mismanagement of the capitol building grounds that allowed for this. The entire episode carried on long enough many people just wandered away vs being expelled. To say it was an embarrassing day for our country would be an understatement. If anything, it was the perfect example of our current president’s failures.

We did finally see order restored and the ceremonial act to certify votes was completed. It still had it’s own drama, as over 100 house republicans pushed their fake narratives during the process. At least the senate had enough common sense to drop all but one of their remaining fake grievances with the electoral college results. They all knew nothing could change the outcome of the election.

History will remember trump as the corrupt selfish childish man he is. It will not be kind to this traitorous fool. And now that he is about to lose his immunity from prosecution, history will also remember what comes next. We witnessed a man-child act out of fear and desperation to try to hold onto power. His scorched-Earth approach has failed spectacularly.

History will also remember these fools who fell for this dangerous propaganda. It will remember the seditious acts of a deluded group of fools. It will painstakingly paint their racism, ignorance, and bias into the history books. I take great comfort in knowing they will not be remembered as “patriots”. No, they will be remembered as a bunch of ignorant social media warriors who made it as far as they did only because of inept mismanagement of the capitol grounds.

I eagerly await President-elect Biden’s inauguration. [2]On my birthday no less!  He was not my candidate of choice; however, he is proving to be just what America needs right now. Hopefully, he will be able to restore many of the democratic safeguards dangerously eroded by trump and his cronies.

Hope springs eternal… [3]This post has been updated to correct my reference to the white house instead of the capitol building

References

References
↑1 Several news outlets reported it was Pence who authorized the National Guard, even though that power rests squarely with the president. It is important to remember D.C. is not a state yet
↑2 On my birthday no less!
↑3 This post has been updated to correct my reference to the white house instead of the capitol building

Playing It Straight

I was chatting with a FB friend the other day who came out late in his life. He asked me if I had ever thought of going thru life pretending to be straight. He was shocked when I shared the idea had never even occurred to me.

If you’ve been here long enough [1]oh you single digits few, you’ll remember I “left’ home at a very early age. I was also sexually active very early. That said, at the time I still wasn’t actually sure I was gay. When I told my dad on that fateful day, I remember just telling him I liked having sex with guys, not that I was gay. It might seem like I was dense but I had no idea what it was to be gay. All I knew were the stereotypes thrown around every day.  My understanding of “being gay” meant I had to be super effeminate , wear dresses, or want to have sex with animals or kids. And while I turned myself into a stereotype many years later, at that time none of those things applied to me. It wasn’t like I could talk or ask anyone about it. There were no cell-phones, internet, or social media back then. My small town didn’t have ‘dirty magazines’, much less gay ones. We lived so remote we didn’t even have a landline phone.  For a few years I thought I was a straight guy that just liked sucking cock on the side. I kid you not, I thought that way.

Fast forward to my early 20’s, I survived my stepmother’s torment, being thrown out on the street, M’s death, and a near suicide. These things changed me so deeply I can understand why it never occurred to me. The evolution of my understanding and acceptance of myself negated the very idea of pretending. It just wasn’t an option. I could theorize over it but that seems pointless.

My friend was flabbergasted by my story. He just assumed we all hid it when we were kids. Funny how we go thru the world projecting our assumptions. I was a bit shocked he thought all the guys in our age group hid it until we were older.  He was married to a woman. No kids, but not from the lack of ‘trying’ as he put it. He also shared with me he felt ashamed to bottom until he was almost 50. I can’t say that surprised me. Too many fellow homos carry this nonsense around in varying degrees to this day. He also shared with me the torment he lived with knowing he was living a lie. He both loved and resented his wife because of his secret. He was careful to avoid anything “too gay”, lest he be discovered.

It was a very interesting perspective to me because it was so foreign to my own story. It was a really good conversation. Anyone having to hide who they are doesn’t have it easy, regardless of the circumstances. My struggle was and is but one of many.

At this moment in my life, most of my coming out is a dull memory vs the sharp stabbing pain it used to be. And while I have wondered at times what my life would have been like had I not come out when I did, it is not from a sense of wishing it so.

References

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↑1 oh you single digits few

TikTok

Lawd help me, I’ve joined “the tiktok“. [1]Don’t you love when adults refer to something with a “the” in front of it? lolol  I’ve actually been signed up for quite some time but I just never used it. I blame my co-worker. She kept sending me funny videos and I finally relented. I can see why the kids like it. It’s very free-form and easy to just pick up and use. And like many social media outlets, it is whatever you make it about: yourself, your life, your kids, LGBTI, politics, science, etc. It is all on there.

You can search for content; however, the more vids and people you like and follow, the more customized your feed becomes. You have basically two feeds. A wider open feed which filters from who all over and your “following” feed, which just shows vids from people you follow.

You watch a video, scroll to the next one. That’s about it for basic function. You can skip ahead or go back by swiping up and down. You can add friends, do “duets”, which is like a live reply feature, use filters, stickers, and add music tracks. It requires very little talent and it’s free. Once you start liking vids, you start getting a more ‘personalized’ feed, which is referred to as “for you”. This is the true magic of the app.

In simplest terms it is a huge time-suck!  You start scrolling and before you know it an hour has gone by. When you get really deep you look up it’s 6pm and you started at noon. That is it’s single best and worst features rolled into one. lol It is utterly pointless on one hand and groundbreaking on the other. I can see why it is so addictive. And word is getting out because I routinely see older folks posting about how the kids are sending them hate-messages for being on ‘their app’.

In a weird way, it reminded me of an old movie called Brainstorm. Yes, I know unless you are close to my general age, you have no idea what it’s about…Wikipedia kiddies.

Anyway, I’m @mobiusSF. I don’t have much content. I’m still very much a ‘lurker’. (Honestly, I’m still deciding if I want to use it.)

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↑1 Don’t you love when adults refer to something with a “the” in front of it? lolol

Taught

It is about this time of year you start seeing people lamenting how terrible the year has been and how “they are ready for the new year.” Somehow the new year will be better. I’m usually not in this camp, but clearly that has changed this year.

I think we can all safely say 2020 has been absolute dumpster fire! It started out ok but just ran right down the shitter as things progressed. It certainly has been educational for me. I only wish I could say in a good way. My enduring faith in humanity has definitely been challenged this year.

We’ve got these insidious behind the scenes machinations trying to destroy our way of life. The greedy and power hungry are pulling the strings of our ‘leaders’ while the general populace languishes in poverty. Said population is often so focused on survival they can’t see they are being used as pawns. And seeing some of the most needy in our society support the very same people hurting them is painful to witness. More so, it is a disturbing example of history repeating itself. Rome is definitely burning, folks. To polish off the trifecta, we have the indifferent. These are the people who are well off enough to be completely immersed in the their own little bubble of existence. Occasionally, tidbits of information pierces said bubble but there is no filter to determine it’s accuracy or relevance. At some point a “working knowledge” arises from which all their decisions are based for good or bad. These are usually where you find the Karens of the world. Pity the soul that incurs their wrath by causing them any level of inconvenience.

I am not even sure what my frame of mind would be right now had I not been able to get back in the gym. I had gotten to a point about 5 months in where I wasn’t doing well. I’m sure I looked fine on the outside, but I wasn’t. But, as Elle Woods would say, “exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people don’t shoot their husbands.”  And I’m referring to the endorphins, not my husband. lol  Being back in the gym has really helped lift my spirits and pulled me out of being depressed.

Even as I sit here writing this I am struck by my own privilege. I am fortunate to have the opportunity and comfort to sit here whining about this shitty year. I know that and for so many it has been that much harder. I wish I could say that doesn’t necessarily make the impact of this year any less painful. So yeah, I can’t wait for it to be over. I’m hoping the new year is better. I mean, hell. It can’t get much worse, right? [1]Don’t answer that

Hope does springs eternal…

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↑1 Don’t answer that

Recovery

Building on my last post, I wanted to share more about the small but welcome improvements in the SF area. California adopted the 4-tier system of restrictions relating to the pandemic. If your state doesn’t have it, it’s pretty simple. Each tier has it’s own level of restrictions, what can/can’t open, etc. We have purple, red, orange, & yellow; purple being the most severe and yellow being the least. It makes it easier for counties and cities to better manage local health orders and restrictions.

Of course, SF being a very dense environment, even when we move into a higher tier we tend to have some lingering tougher restrictions. While unfortunate, it is necessary to avoid a resurgence of cases. And seeing surges in pretty much the entire middle of the US, we are grateful for the slow but steady improvements. SF has officially moved into the orange tier and our ‘rt’ ratio is hovering just below 1. [1]rt is the likelihood of retransmission from an infected person. Anything above 1 is considered not good.  Hopefully, we can stay in the orange and yellow tiers.  *crossed fingers*

Indoor bars, theaters, and larger social establishments are still closed. (I don’t understand why theaters can’t open if gyms can, but I don’t make the rules.) Restaurants have been able to serve outdoor seating for awhile now. Some bars have paired up with restaurants to gain an allowance to open outdoors as well. Now that SF is in the orange tier, restaurants and retail shops can open indoor facilities in a limited capacity. For myself, I still avoid eating indoors. I am just not that confident in others. We tend to order for home more than going out to eat, but I try to adhere to my weekend rituals as much as I can.

Shawn and I have slowly been allowing ourselves to do more outside the apt. Meanwhile, I see people planning trips and going to far off places and I just shake my damn head. If this pandemic has taught me anything, it is that a lot of people don’t really give two-shits about others as long as they aren’t inconvenienced. But, I digress… I have restrictions that also affect my ability to work so even if I was more comfortable, I would still not be traveling.

I’ve been seeing and helping an elderly retired coworker since the beginning of the pandemic and every time I see him, I make sure to test negative for covid-19 beforehand. Before we could get tests, I would leave disinfected items outside his doorway or stairs. He is in a high risk category due to his age and I would never forgive myself if I inadvertently passed it on to him. [2]or anyone for that matter. Anyway, I’m getting upset thinking about it, let me move on.

Beyond the assistance to my dear friend above, we are just now reaching a point where we feel comfortable meeting people outdoors for meals or conversation. I say we, but it is more me. lol Shawn is still content to avoid people for the most part. He will probably be reticent until there is a viable vaccine. Even when to go to the gym, we usually go to a sparsely populated location with sign-ups well below the allowable limit. [3]You can see online how many slots are available and taken by the hour. It has been good for him to get out of the apt more though. He was getting really depressed as well. I think the gym and the sporadic trips outside of the apt has helped him as much as it has me.

Of course, we miss traveling. We miss weekend jaunts to bars, beer busts, movies, etc. We miss visiting distant friends and places. We miss a lot of things. It sucks monkey balls, but we know by isolating we are helping to prevent the spread of covid-19. We are both hopeful a safe vaccine will be available sometime early next year. For myself, I doubt I’ll ever take for granted again the openness of our life. The simple freedom to hug friends, to kiss or touch others, to be close to people. I think the intimacy of strangers (if such a thing exists) is what I miss the most. The relaxed restrictions gives me hope we are on the right path. Until then, I hope you are safe and well.

References

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↑1 rt is the likelihood of retransmission from an infected person. Anything above 1 is considered not good.
↑2 or anyone for that matter.
↑3 You can see online how many slots are available and taken by the hour.

Herd

So today, the official response from the Whitehouse (WH) is they now endorse herd immunity as a regimen to combat the spread of covid-19.

First, here is the definition of “herd immunity”:

the resistance to the spread of a contagious disease within a population that results if a sufficiently high proportion of individuals are immune to the disease, especially through vaccination.

“the level of vaccination needed to achieve herd immunity varies by disease but ranges from 83 to 94 percent”

Webster’s dictionary

Based on that, herd immunity is currently impossible. We cannot use herd immunity as a treatment regimen because we don’t have a vaccine!

The WH’s deliberate misinterpretation of the idea is to do nothing. Just let everyone be exposed and see who lives and dies. That is NOT herd immunity. This approach pushes the death toll into the millions, not the low hundreds of thousands like we have now. Just one percent of the US population, just one (1) percent, is over three (3) million people!  If we jump that up to five (5) percent, the death toll is just under 17 million people.

For perspective, one percent is more than the entire population of Phoenix, AZ. Five percent is more than the entire population of the New York City metro area. And this does not take into account the millions more who will struggle with lingering illness for weeks or months.

Even if you’re dumb and deaf, you can understand how insanely stupid and dangerous this is.

Voting has never been more important. It is heartening to see many cities are reporting record numbers of registered voters as well as early voting. Vote like your life depends on it because it just might this time.

Mood

Look! Another post NOT about politics! Yay!

It’s been just over a month now and surprisingly the gyms are still open. There was only a minor bump in covid-19 cases here in SF from the Labor day weekend. [1]Meanwhile, over half of the country is spiking again.  I think many people here learned their lesson from Memorial day, which saw a huge spike.

Anyway, it is good to be back in the gym. Due to restrictions, we are still at a 1-hour limit. You book online and then show up to workout. Once the hour is done, they kick everyone out for the next group. I’m at the point where the hour limit has become a little restraining. This tells me I’m steadily moving back to a solid routine. My regular workouts are around an hour and 15-20 minutes. I’ve been easing back into my workouts to avoid injury. I will need to tweak my sets now to get the same burn. Prior to the pandemic, I had just gotten to a point where both the shoulder and arm were all healed up. I’m have no interest in repeating my past mistakes. The first couple weeks back were the worst with soreness, but now it is the ‘normal sore‘.

My general mood has improved drastically. This is sort of the reason for my rant today. It might seem trivial but I just feel better most days. I am not as depressed over the state of our country. The negative shit I read on social media doesn’t seem to hit me as hard. For lack of a better description, I just feel better and I like it! hehehe People often denigrate gym goers as narcissistic and shallow, and while that may be true for some, it is most definitely not true for all. I find my general optimism has returned as well. It has been a most welcome change. The daily onslaught of worsening news was wearing me down. And while I certainly haven’t dismissed the very real problems in our society, I feel better able to face the day now. Now, if I can just shed this thick gut I’ve developed.

Shawn and I have been hitting the gym pretty much every weekend. I work 4-10’s so I get a 3-day weekend. [2]Oh, I forgot to mention he has gone back to work, albeit temporarily for a contract job.  I squeeze in an extra gym day on my Friday, since I don’t have to get up early the next day, which makes for a solid 4 day gym schedule. I will often try to squeeze in at least one day for cardio during the week, but it’s a bit erratic so far. ‘Cause we all know how much I looooove cardio!

I certainly recommend getting in exercise if you can. It doesn’t have to be a gym. You can go for walks, runs, bike rides, etc. Whatever gets you moving and your heart rate up. It might be tough at first, but you will find it definitely helps your moods.

 

References

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↑1 Meanwhile, over half of the country is spiking again.
↑2 Oh, I forgot to mention he has gone back to work, albeit temporarily for a contract job.