Author: Moby

Itty Bitty Details

Forgetting the depressing stuff for a moment, I’ve noticed I have this horrible habit of giving out extraneous details during conversation. For example, I’m having lunch today w/some friends in the Castro and I needed to go to the restroom to wash my hands. Instead of just saying “pardon me for a moment“, I had to give out all the details. “Excuse me, I need to run to use the bathroom and wash my hands.” Like they really cared WHY I was going. And not an hour later I did it again. We were walking by Walgreens and I’m like “I need to run into Walgreens real quick as I need to pick up some face cream and finger nail clippers”. I’m sure they could care less exactly what I needed. I can’t help but giggle here.

While I don’t necessarily consider this a character flaw per say, it can be annoying habit. I think part of it stems from the fact I am unconsciously a very open person. Unlike a lot of people, I don’t automatically erect personal barriers when around other people whether it be friend or stranger. I only do so when given a reason. Most people pick up on this and respond in one of two ways. They either tend to open up a bit more on their own or completely shut down.

Going psychotherapist for a moment, I’m sure it has something to do w/my childhood traumas. Well cancel the page for Dr. Phil, I think I figured that one out all by myself. Maybe the traumas added to my already open id, who knows. As far back as I can remember, I’ve had the same openness to me. Even as a child. (Thankfully, no one bad was around to take advantage of it) As an adult, it taught me some painful lessons about trusting too soon and being gullible. Lessons that probably would have been avoided had I been just a tad bit more cautious. Tell my friend Eric this story, he agrees all too readily it’s a character flaw. I choose not to see it that way. I think my openness adds to my overall appeal and value it. For all the times its hurt me, it has helped me four or five times that much in good things.

B’day Boy

First off, thank you to everyone who sent me birthday wishes. I”m totally flattered. I woke up to an inbox just bursting w/emails this morning. Started my day off right. If I don’t get back to you quickly, be patient, I have a quite a bit to get thru. *G*

I’ve never really been big on birthdays for myself. My parents never made a production about it as a kid so I guess that has carried over into my adult life. I spent the day w/an old friend that I haven’t seen in a while. We had a falling out of sorts a while back and haven’t been on good terms lately. Very recently, he owned up to some issues that really plagued our friendship and I couldn’t help but forgive him. (I’m sure some of my issues drive him nuts too) So we just spent the bigger part of the day goofing off. We worked out together and then had a nice long lunch. He got some things off his chest that had been bothering him.

I think renewing an old friendship is an excellent way to spend a birthday. Tonight, I’m headed to dinner w/my Tim and then off to the Powerhouse. Its the first preliminary for the 2006 Bare Chest Calendar contest and Tim and I are volunteers. Should make for an interesting evening.

Poor vs Pride

With mixed feelings, I write todays blog. I’m coming up very short on finances for the trip home to see my father before he passes. None of the airlines offer cheap fare for last wishes blah blah blah. The few who do offer bereavement fare only do so AFTER the person is dead. Well, what good does that do me. So, my buddy suggested I solicit donations via paypal. My first response was no. However, as his condition gets worse I’m forced to reconsider. I figure if guys can solicit money to cover their blogs then I can do it for a much more worthy cause.

So without further ado, I have added a paypal button. If you can afford it and donate, I’m forever in your debt. If not, don’t feel bad about it. It is what it is, nothing more.

Wrinkle me this….

Trying to pull myself out of my glum mood I thought I’d tackle a topic that hit me yesterday at the gym. . . I found my first wrinkle! Well ok, probably not my first but, the first one that I really notice. Its a laugh line across my forehead. I saw it and thought maybe I’d been in the steam room too long or something. Nope! Just a wrinkle. Of course, once I thought about it, I started giggling over the silliness of it. The irony is I’ll be 34 on Thursday (the 20th). Thirty four years old, unmarried……practically a hag! LOL

Hell, maybe by the time I reach 64 will have come up w/a way to clone me and then transfer my consciousness into a new and improved body! Wahooo! I’d have to suggest some subtle alerations of course. Wider cheek bones, bigger muscles, and maybe a head full of hair. Not much else I’d change about me. And those are only whims. I did ok in the gene pool. I could have been better but I could have been worse.

I have to go now, I hear Safeway is having a sale on Oil of Olay! *g*

Thank you

First, off thank to everyone who sent me such encouraging comments and emails regarding my father. It has been a surprisingly trying time for me so far w/the worst yet to come. Of course, my family is already at odds w/each other and bickering on how we will divide up the land. (My father has 50 acres of land out in East, TX) Money does strange things to people. Especially, poor people. But thats another story.

I went back and read the “history” entries and they seem a bit chaotic from the way I broke them up into seperate posts. I’ll try to condense them into one big giant post. I just thought one big one would be too much. I know I get bored quickly sometimes when someone just goes ON AND ON on a blog. *g*

Anyway, thanks again, I am truly touched.

The Pending Death of My Father

My rants have been kinda limited lately. I’ve been dealing w/some bad news I got this week. I haven’t quite digested all of it until now.

My father has been battling lung cancer for the past year. He had a grapefruit sized tumor removed from his upper left lung back in October. They discovered recently it has metastasized into his hip bones. This type of cancer is not treatable and non-operable. Basically, right now he is in a hospice testing his tolerance for pain and what meds are most effective at the smallest dosage. Once that’s over, he gets to go home to live out his remaining days. There is zero hope of recovery.

Now for those of you that know me, you know there isn’t much love loss between my family and myself. Mainly over my coming out nightmare. But that’s sorta just the icing on the cake so to speak. My childhood evolved from one tragedy to the next and its not a part of my life that I reflect upon often. To understand my thoughts now, its probably best if you go back and read the history. Otherwise, the context of the next paragraph will be completely lost on you. I often use harsh sarcasm and puns to describe my family. (ie…if you trace the roots of white trash back to its origins, you’d find my family tree)

This news has brought forth a few inner demons I thought long exorcized. In trying to resolve some of the conflicting emotions, I’ve come to realize I still love my father. Not as deeply as the normal father/son relationship but love nonetheless. Honestly, this is a bit of a surprise. I often joke that his passing would be a release. The same release that I welcomed when my step mother, Satan-in-drag, finally died and left us for the underworld. (Like I said, you need to read the history.) I find myself wishing he wasn’t sick and I keep asking myself why. He robbed me of so much as a child and as an adult why should I love him? I never got to do ANY of the father/son things that fathers do w/their kids. He doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves the love of a child they so harshly abandoned. The only good memories I have of him are back when I was very young before the death of my foster mother. Everything after that is just ugly.

Deserving or not, I did forgive him. I find that I don’t care about the reasons. My father and I currently have a very distant relationship. I see him about once a year and I never make more than a day of it. We talk, catch up on our lives, and I quickly realize why I fled bum fuck nowhere Texas ages ago. So, now I’m in the position to cause harm or comfort. I find myself only wanting to comfort him. I guess that says good things about me. I just can’t help thinking about all the things that could have been had he not been so closed minded.

Life – What Life?

As stated in one of my many previous rants, my social life is gonna take a dive for the next few months. I need to start working extra overtime to catch up on my finances as well as put away a small nest egg to help w/tuition. Even though I had to put it off due to the 2-faced, back stabbing, piece of shit that works downstairs, I still plan on starting my paramedic training this year (yeah, I’m still bitter). I’m hoping to upgrade my beat up scooter to a full fledged motorcycle in the latter half of the year as well. Can you say “mucho dinero”?

So with work, overtime, the charity, and gym, not much room for anything else I’m afraid. Thats ok though. I realize its only temporary. Besides, I have you, my loyal readers. (all 12 of you) The good news is my blog just be bursting w/info, annoyances and my simplest of rants on a daily basis.

? Hold Music ?

I absolutely detest automated phone systems. I recently bought a backpack for my new laptop from Dell. The laptop is beautiful and working flawlessly. The backpack itself is fine its just not the right size. Ok, more correctly, it is the right size however, they neglect to tell you the inside fitting for the laptop is much much smaller. I’m a frequent online shopper so this speed bump is not completely unexpected.

The packaging slip says I have to call to get a return shipping # before I can actually return the package. It specifically states I must call not go online.

Issue #1:
I spent 25 minutes on hold. Not a good first impression as far as I’m concerned. So while I’m painfully being submitted to monotonous hold music I discover I can, in fact, go online for the same information. I go online searching for return info. Again, navigation issues from hell.

Issue #2:
Every possible question but ‘returns’ seems to be answered in the online F.A.Q. (frequently asked questions). Finding none of the required information, I end up on a blank ‘contact us’ form. Only at this point, does it give me a place to go for the needed info. Once there, getting the number was simplicity itself.

I’m only annoyed because Dell sings constantly about their fabulous customer support. Well, I can tell you from personal experience, it ain’t that fabulous. If I had to rate it, I’d give it a flat “average”. The simplicity of ordering and receiving goods is darkly shadowed by such a poor follow up nightmare. Don’t get me wrong, in the age of automation and mega corporations I realize there cannot be a live body to answer my every whim of a question. However, as a rule to avoid confusion, you should never have a phone/online tree going more than 3 options deep. Anything beyond that is just pointless and a waste of time.

So to all you big wigs you read my blog (yeah, and pigs might fly out of my butt!), take note….NO FREAKING ENDLESS PHONE TREES!!!!!

*sighs* I feel better now.

Long Day

Its been a long day. I was off today but had lots of errands planned. I was originally supposed to go to the gym but I’m still feeling a bit down so I wrote that off. Which was probably a good thing as I have a bit of a sore throat again. I keep thinking good thoughts…”get well, get well, get well…..” *g*

So I had a meeting w/the chairman of the Bare Chest Calendar in the late afternoon. He was a bit late, but not overly so, and he did call so no biggie there. We got off to a good start. He has some good ideas for the direction of the website and was very ok w/me changing the code up to fit my needs. The previous person was more into Java and less into html and I’m more into xhtml and CSS. Some of the code was overly complex for simple functions. Or, more correctly, its easier just to write it w/CSS instead of Java. With that in mind, I’m completely rewriting the site. Even better the chairman has heavy graphics experience which is my one lacking area. This just means I won’t be overtaxed trying to keep up w/their demands along w/the other domain and a full 40hr work week.

The other domain, thru my old company, hasn’t even decided on a new logo yet. Until they work out the details, any work on their site is on hold. Again, a bonus for me. Gives me time to focus on one at a time.

I got my days mixed up and I rushed home thinking I was running late for my grocery delivery. After getting home, I realized its tomorrow instead. (I get my groceries delivered via Safeway. Way easier than trying to pack them all into my scooter)

To finish off the day, I had a community meeting at one of the police stations. All of the stations in they city have community meetings once a month to help connect withe the community as well as give the community a chance to express their ideas, problems, complaints, etc. I totally expected it to be a bitch-a-thon. It wasn’t. It wasn’t very busy due in part to the weather being overly cold today. What I didn’t know was this month’s meeting was primarily about my job. Two of the supervisors were also in attendance. You could tell one was a bit nervous about speaking in front of people but she pulled it off well. The other, much like myself, was totally comfortable speaking in front of a large group. All in all it went pretty well.

Not much me time today. Course, tomorrow is wide open. Still haven’t done laundry, dishes, blah blah blah….

Embarrassing Moment?

You decide. I’m having lunch today in the Castro and I bump into a guy who I’ve…um…uh…known intimately shall we say. So anyway, he is with a trio of much older fellows. He discreetly tried to acknowledge my presence w/o alerting his companions. A move I always find amusing. So, I first began to think one of the trio was his boyfriend, his much OLDER boyfriend. Well, I was way wrong. They proceed to sit down behind me and have conversation. Of course, I could hear every word. Turns out, my ‘acquaintance’ was a porn star. He was with some ‘biz’ associates discussing his next movie. Now, I’m not big into porn per say. (No, really! I swear) I own 2 porn movies, both of which are on VHS. (side note, I haven’t owned a VCR since late 2002) Let me explain, its not that I don’t enjoy porn. If I see two (or more) hot guys going at and I’m not involved….friends, I’m not excited, I’m BITTER! I’d much rather be there. So, needless to say, I’m not always up on the who’s who of porn. [1]Tim, this post is just for you. Ring every bit of jealousy and enjoyment out of it that you can, by the way, what are we doing Thursday night?

As I’m leaving, I can’t help but sneak a glance around to see and sure enough he gives me the eye again. I’ll admit curiosity got the better of me and I googled gay porn and found a picture of him. His stage name is Chris Steele. I haven’t a clue how famous he is but he has made quite a few movies. I guess thats just another day in the life of a shamless huzzy living in SF.

References

References
↑1 Tim, this post is just for you. Ring every bit of jealousy and enjoyment out of it that you can, by the way, what are we doing Thursday night?