Author: Moby

Passing Thoughts

My father died in his sleep Saturday, February 26, 2005 at 2:45 am central time.

A long tumultuous chapter of my life has reached it’s end. How do I feel at this moment? I don’t know.

So many emotions are warring for control, I’m not sure the answer. Part of me is happy. Happy he is no longer suffering. Happy my brothers are no longer burdened night/day w/his constant care. Happy they are no longer forced to see his frail humanity passing before there eyes. What else? Pain, remorse, regret, loss?

How do I feel at this moment? I just don’t know.

Shame? No, I Don’t Think So

I must be PMS’ing this week. That or I’m still sick, cause this story brought me to tears. Being a cold hearted fag at times, not always an easy thing to do.

I’m hiv positive. i’m not a fucking hero. i’m just a guy who had unsafe sex and i’m paying for it the rest of my life. i was a stupid guy who contracted one of the worst diseases of modern time. yep that’s me. i’m stupid. just call me stupid, but don’t ever call me a hero. yes, i knew the risks. i grew up in the time of aids. i knew how devastating the disease had been to a generation before me. i heard the stories of the death count. i heard about the ways to prevent the disease. i knew condoms, condoms, condoms. i even spoke about hiv prevention in my high school. i was always telling my friends to use condoms. i was a living breathing public service announcement for hiv prevention. that was me. well actually that was just part of me. the other part was an insecure guy who just wanted to be loved.

i guess part of me trusted them. up until that point i’d never been a strong person. i’d pretty much let other people make decisions for me. so anyway, i would sleep with guys. i’d let them bareback me. i was young. i was invincible. i was the straight guy in his new sports car going 95 miles an hour down the highway. i was invincible…or so i thought.

First, let me clarify, I’m a big believer in personal responsibility. That’s not my beef today. And I’m not condoning risky behavior. My issue is a disturbing trend within our culture of treating anyone less perfect than ourselves as “less than human” and just writing them off. Well, life ain’t easy for all of us. For some of us it can be a unbearable unending hell at times. If it were so damn easy to make the right choices then we wouldn’t have tens of thousands of people dying every year from cigarette related cancer now would we? This is a serious problem people. And for the record, I’m not perfect and I’ve been guilty of this fallacy.

The snips above come from MeSouthern, who is an HIV + male. He converted at an early age. By his own admission, he knew of the risks, albeit indirectly, and made some bad decisions. So now should we write him off as undeserving of our sympathy? If you answer yes, then I hope you never know hard times because karma can be an ugly unrelenting teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t we should glorify it either. Far too many guys these days, shake off the horrible aspects of being HIV+. Reality check, HIV is a terminal illness. That means there is NO cure for it. Granted we have some great drugs out there these days but not everyone responds so well and not all of these drugs are easy to take.

…the day my positive test results came back. that’s the day i knew it was time to take responsibility for my past mistakes. the past mistakes of being a stupid fucking whore, not a hero. here i sit now. my body is starting to fail me. it’s been about 4 years, since i got my test results back. i will soon be on meds, that will hopefully keep me alive. yes, i regret fucking every hot guy without a condom. yes, i regret using drugs. i should’ve known better; i did know better. aids isn’t pretty. it’s a very serious disease. it’s going to kill tons of people. it will probably kill me. oh well, does it matter? probably not because i’m a stupid fucking whore, who isn’t a hero. i should be ashamed of myself…

Is this what we are teaching our young people? If you make mistakes, shame on you? You no longer deserve our love/support? If so, then we need not worry about the christian not-so-right folks. We have a far greater enemy in ourselves.

Judge Jack

I’m still felling icky today but thankfully I’ve been spared the high fevers everyone else seems to be getting w/this crap.

Trying to keep my mind on other things I stumbled across this headline from the Sf Chronicle. Remember the Jack’n Judge? You know the guy using a pump to masterbate under his bench during cases. Looks like his career came and went but is now possibly facing criminal charges.

“We’re certainly saddened by the thought that the prosecutor filed charges,” said Clark Brewster, Thompson’s attorney. “We thought all this was dealt with when he resigned. We didn’t feel like anything that was alleged rose to the level of criminal charges.”

Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson’s robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.

Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kurt Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster’s audiotape of the trial.

When jurors at the trial asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn’t heard it, but would listen for it.

Last time I checked, masturbating in public was still a crime in all 50 states.

So you want a topical blog do ya?

The hilarity of Jeff Gannan aka John Guckert’s story has reached a new high today. While I don’t really blog much about political fallouts etc, I can’t help myself. I’ve followed this story for some time and I’m just amazed at the balls of this man.

So get this, he relaunches his domain as a blog defending himself. He comes across as if it’s all made up lies! He gets caught red-handed (well not exactly his hand) and has the unmitigated gall to make out like it’s a fabrication by the liberals. Well, lets see, if you hadn’t left behind a whole slew of online profiles detailing your ‘extra income’ exploits maybe your story would be a little more convincing there Jeff. But who cares about the details right?

The guys over at Ameriblog did a much better job at calling him on his lies than I ever could have. [1]They do a step by step rebuttal of Jeff’s fictional blog accounting. A must read!

What really cracks me up is how many Republicans have come to his aid. Ann Coulter, the republican’s lap dog, published her own response to the scandal. It’s amazing how the Republicans all jumped on the bandwagon during the Clinton/Lewenski scandal but now it’s just the “liberal frenzy” trying to tear someone down.

Here’s a clue. The liberals aren’t tearing him down because he is gay, they are tearing him down because he lied, and supports people who would relegate gays to less than human status if the could.

References

References
↑1 They do a step by step rebuttal of Jeff’s fictional blog accounting. A must read!

BLECH!

So, the chest cold I’ve been trying to fight off has won. I am in the full throes of it today. Coughing up a lovely blechly looking goo. How’s that for an image?

I called the doc and he says its a viral thing going around so not much I can do but wait it out. He did recommend some over-the-counter stuff. The odd part is I’m not really coughing a lot. But when I do, it’s the horrible deep painful cough from deep within. Christ almighty! I detest being sick. I don’t have any fevers yet and otherwise I’m mobile.

I’m dragging my carcass down to the castro to have a big bowl of soup.

OH! and a big thank you to everyone for the kind comments and emails about my dad. I’ve worked thru most of my feelings w/him and I just hate knowing he is suffering. Without sounding morbid, I’m hoping he passes soon as no one should ever suffer like that.

Sad News

I just found out my father has slipped into a coma. They give him 48-72 hours. I’m gonna totally freak out if he passes away the tonight on the same day my mother passed.

A Moment In History

Today marks the death of my mother. She passed away from lung cancer Feb. 23rd, 1978.

While I no longer get worked up about it, I still try to remember her. She died when I was only 7 years old. I remember the year I turned 15 thinking how unfair it was that I’d been alive longer w/o her than w/her. I took it really hard that year. The only source of comfort was my first love who tried his best to ease my pain.

It’s funny, I seemed to suffer more that year than I had at her passing. I’m sure it is related to my becoming an adult but it hurt a lot.

So, today is in remembrance of you mom. If you’re still up there don’t judge me too harshly, I’m doing the best I can.

Blasphemy

Well you wanted a “topical” blog and you got one! Swiped from Carmen today, I discover this tidbit about our not so beloved Pope. Apparently, his royal crabbiness has released a new book relegating being gay to being insidious evil. Huh, so not only are we sinners but we are insidiously evil now. When will it end!?

“…- Homosexual marriages are part of “a new ideology of evil” that is insidiously threatening society…”

I agree w/Carmen on this one. A man such as the holiness knows the “translations” of today’s bible incorrectly persecute whole sections of society, gays included. Not only that, he perpetuates the lies in attempt to continue the church’s control over our society. Ergo keeping the church in business. (I’m not sure if that is the proper use of ‘ergo” but it sounded good so I used it.)