I went out and got a new microphone today. I hated the cheesey generic one that I was using before. I don’t sound quite as gay when you hear me now at least. (I always think I sound like such a fag but hey, I am)
What say you? Better or worse?
Author: Moby
Ups & Downs II
*Todays post is a bit personal and meant more for me than you, my readers.*
I swear I need prosaic or something. Yesterday, everything was right as rain w/the world and today I’m in a funk. It could be I have been keeping myself distracted lately. Today, with nothing planned and nothing occupying my time, I’ve run out of distractions. I’m not depressed but something is nagging at me. This week has been relaxing to say the least so that can’t be it. Or maybe it is. Mabye not being rushed to get shit done or work, issues that have been pushed aside are beginning to surface. Yeah, I think that’s it. Someone call Dr. Phil and tell’em he is out of a job! Work has been blessfully busy. (I can’t believe I just said that!) And being busy keeps me preoccupied.
And the bitchin part is that I don’t think it’s just one thing. I mean if it were, I’d be able to pin it down. I am a little annoyed w/myself. Here it is July (mid year) and I’ve only accomplished one of my resolutions for the year so far. (I was supposed to have 3 or 4 done by now.) I often bitch to people that you have to lead your life and not let it lead you. And what am I doing. . . letting my life lead me. Add to that lately, I’ve had a strong desire to start dating again. Something is majorly up w/my id. (I say this because I only get this way when I’m obsessing or insecure about something.)
Other than work, there are not many big problems w/life at the moment. Of course, a drama free life doesn’t automatically equate happiness I suppose. So here I sit asking myself ‘whats up?’ Is it lonliness, bitterness, resentment, vulnerability? I don’t really feel any one thing profoundly. Maybe it is a combination of all of the above. Not enough to keep me down. But maybe it is all colliding together and building up. Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I alone? Certainly not. Bitterness? I honestly don’t know. Resentment? Yes, a little. As hard as I try the old feelings of uselessness still surface sometimes. The feeling 0f being cast aside like yesterdays garbage. Vulnerable? I think insecure better sums it up.
Now that I think about it, I think meeting Bud sort of set me off. Bud is the guy I met from Tribe this past week. I found myself very attracted to him and I think he felt the same way. I ran into Tim one day while he was here and he said I was ‘glowing’. And it’s true. I do ‘glow’ a bit when I’m excited about someone. I’m digressing a bit here, back to the story. Of course, knowing anything beyond casual friendship was out of the question, I think I felt rejected (again). And the silly part is I KNOW it wasn’t that at all. I was never his enough to be rejected. It was a chance encounter that turned out great is all. But my head and heart aren’t always on the same page it seems. So I guess, maybe meeting Bud pushed everything else into motion. (And on a side note, I admitted a crush to a guy I like from the gym. No clue yet where that might lead if anywhere.)
I think another issue might be I’m tired. Tired of always trying to validate people around me w/o getting any myself. Is that selfish? I don’t know. By validate I mean uplift, support, help, etc. I just know I always seem to be the one foregoing any sort of validation for myself for the sake of others. I don’t resent it usually as it comes naturally to me. I enjoy helping others. But lately, I think I’m feeling left out. (Again, w/the abandonment issues. Lord! Someone call Oprah.)
So now I have to ask myself, what do I do to fix it? I’m never one to bitch w/o a solution usually. Where do I go from here? For once, I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know what to do next. I need to do something as I’m sure these feelings will fester otherwise. *sigh* Maybe I need therapy. I think my insurance will cover it. Blogging normally helps me see things more clearly. Seeing it clearly isn’t always enough I guess. I say that now but maybe I’ll get an epiphany again!
*So afterwards, I reread this and it sounds so depressing. I’m not really depressed. I don’t think it’s gotten that far. Maybe a better description would be – I’m dissatisfied w/my life at the moment. I think that better reflects the way I’m feeling. Now I just need to figure out what the fuck to do!*
So Now What?
I’ve got the podcast setup so now what do I do? I haven’t really decided yet how I plan to go about it. Should I only podcast conversations I think relevant or should I podcast my regular blog entries for that extra ummph that is Moby? Shit, I dunno.
For now, I think I’ll randomly do audio for posts from home. But don’t hold me to it.
The Moby Files Go Live!
Well, I’ve decided to join the podcasting foray. It’s taken me long enough I think. For clarity, any time you see this symbol an audio file is attached to the post.
So here it is blog fans! My first official podcast of the Moby Files!
I’ve decided to make the podcast a dedicated section so if are an avid podcast listener here is the link you need to subscribe to my podcasts.
http://www.mobius.name/blog/wp-rss2.php?category_name=audio
*Note – you need a newsreader capable of RSS2 or an mp3 audio player on your pc for this to work*
Photo Update
So here are a few photos. I don’t have any of Pride yet. I took my camera and forgot to take pics. I was sorta busy anyway.
Here is the Vallejo/SF ferry. I know, glam right?
Here is a pic of the returning ferry. I’m really impressed w/the camera. This pic was taken w/the my ferry at full speed. No blur at all.
Feed Me Seymoure! I’m being attacked by some bush that Bobby has taken a liken too. We drove half way across Vallejo just for this shot. JOY!
I had a pic of Bobby but I guess he didn’t like it as it is mysteriously missing from the camara. That’s ok, I’ll post this one instead.
Here he is doing his Jane Fonda at the park.
Chance Encounter
I had a meeting w/a fellow blogger this past weekend and WOW! Well, I say blogger but that is not really the case. He is a member of Tribe and we first met online there. I dont think he blogs per say. Anyway, he was here on business and we decided to meet. Not only is he incredibly handsome but smart too.
Long story cut short, we spent several days of quality time together talking and getting to know one another. I find myself entertaining daydreams of what could be. I could go on and on about the possibilities. Yeah yeah, I’m a dreamer but I’m a realist as well. Sometimes in life, you have encounters where you know so much more is possible if only If only what? If only he was single. If only he didnt live 3 states away. If only things were different. If only. Suffice it to say, I have a renewed faith in my ability to feel and desire.
I am grateful for our chance encounter. Who knows what the future holds. Hope springs eternal!
Pride & Piddleditty
Pride weekend has come and gone. Im usually in the parade but I didnt really feel like it this year. Instead, I helped setup the BCC booth. The guys did a great job of selling the calendar and worked well all day together. (pictures later) The day was overcast and hella chilly. I spent as much time trying to keep warm as I did pushing the calendar. (And w/o a shirt on it was pretty damn hard.) I have a crush on one of the guys. He at least helped keep me warm w/a kiss every now and then. I did get quite a few compliments myself and several guys kept asking which month I was on. While Im happy w/my physique, I dont see myself as calendar material. Besides, Ive realized I prefer being behind the scenes doing things that make it look easy for everyone else. Hello! Im an Aquarian, its what we do.
Speaking of kissing, Mostovic made an appearance as well. He brought his cute little dog Huntien (spelling? Its German). Mostovic was in very good spirits. I think mainly because he recently signed a lease on a new apartment. Ill probably swing by next weekend to check it out. Its a tad further out than what he wanted but he really seems to like it. Time will tell I guess. Course, now because of the distance he might need to purchase a scooter.
At present moment, Im off to Valla-crack, aka Vallejo, to visit Bobby and fix his computer. All I can say is thank God he is pretty. You know he is a friend if Im willing to travel all the way to freakin Vallejo. Vallejo is an hours ride by ferry or road. I dont think it has any call to fame other than it is right off a freeway. I think it was just a small town that got lucky. Occasionally, I have to talk to their dispatchers and they are rude as hell. No love loss there.
In a testament to technology, I had a wifi connection way out in the middle of nowhere on the water. Albeit, for a brief shining moment and then poof! It was gone. I was hoping the ferries were wired for wifi but no such luck. *sniffle* I will welcome the day when wifi is so prevalent that you cant walk/ride/fly anywhere and still have a connection. Who am I kidding, Id stay wired in 24/7 if I could. (If you didnt think I was a geek before, that just confirmed it.)
Would ya look at the time! An hour has flown by and the ferry is about to dock. Well bitches (and I say that with the deepest love), Im off for now. More on my tribulations later.
Giggles & Oooh Hey Boy!
As friends do, Bobby often teases me about my behavior. Never being the shy type, I often flirt openly w/handsome men. Doesn’t really matter where. (Well w/some exception but you get the point) I used to have a saying when I saw a hot guy, “ooooh, Hey Boy!” He has never let me live it down either. So now everytime we are together and I remark on someone rather stunning, he blurts it out ‘oooh, hey boy!’ Cracks me up every time. Today, on the way into the Castro I’m having a “oooh, hey boy!” moment when I lay eyes on a tranny coming home from a hard days work. She instantly reminded me of a character from Mad TV and I burst into hysterical laughter. The train was completely packed and I got more than a few glances from people. (Not that I’d ever care.) I couldn’t stop laughing. The irony of it was I think the tranny knew exactly what I was laughing about. She had a big smile on her face and made a motion from the character as she departed the train. I forget the name of the character but she is the blond one and in the skit she always has two high ponytails on the top front of her head and she randomly reaches and pulls on them while making a sort of screeching noise and describing some horrific moment in her tragic life. Of course, this sent me into barrels of laughter all over again. By the time I had myself under control again, the hottie had departed.
It made my evening.
Pain or Pride?
The weekend fast approaches and with it comes Gay Pride celebration. The city is already a buzz w/visitors arriving early. The Castro is crawling w/tourists and newbies gawking, giggling, laughing, etc. Not that I mind at all. The eye candy is always stimulating. It just makes things a bit difficult when you are trying to get from point M to point Q and everyone stops w/o notice in the middle of the sidewalk. No, I don’t mind at all.
My annoyance is fleeting however. I support Pride celebrations 100%. That said, I’ve already noticed the pride-bashing on several blogs. Gays who think they are above pride or look down on it because it shows the more ‘colorful’ side of our community. I, for one, am grateful for the more flamboyant side of our culture. After all, they helped to jump start our movement in the first place. The excuse that it does nothing but hurt our cause doesn’t hold water in my opinion. The only people who dislike pride celebrations hate us already. Oh and the pathetic attempt at ‘decency in front of children’? Oh please! My straight parents inflicted way more harm on me than seeing a half naked man/woman at a parade ever could.
I guess the point I am trying, not so elegantly, to make is Pride is not about all the hoopla you see at parades. It is about what you feel inside. Acceptance of yourself. The realization that you are not a freak, a disease, or an abomination as so many would have you believe. You are a human being, like every other, born into an imperfect world. A world that, for all it’s advances, hasn’t managed to grow up yet. Empower yourself this Pride. Whether you’re out on float dancing your ass off or home, as usual, doing what it is you do, take a moment to reflect and be happy w/the life you’ve been given. Good or bad, it is what you make of it. That is true of all of us – gay,straight, bi, whatever.
Fly Away
I finally got around to booking my trip home. I’m headed home to ole Texas for one of my best friend’s birthday in mid July. The sassy one is turning 39 (I think). I missed last years as the ex had just started getting sick. This year, I planned ahead and got the time off so I can swing on down for quick ‘how do’ to the friends and family. The sassy one is headed up to Oklahoma the following weekend so I cut my trip short to accommodate his schedule. (Ok, the real reason is I can extend my Fort Lauderdale trip in November). shhhh!
Yes, I’ll be making a pilgrimage to see what is left of the clan. With the passing of my father, it’s just us siblings. Truthfully, I feel more connected to them than I have in a long time. That has to be way fu*ked up but nobody ever accused me of being normal. Anyway, after the birthday bash, I’m visiting the family to keep up my end of things. Oddly enough, I’m excited about going home. Not because it is Texas but mainly just to get away. I’ve been too cooped up in SF lately and it is time to get out of town. Even if it is just for a long weekend. I was hoping to swing by and visit the Texan, but he seems to have dropped off the face of blogging so that ain’t gonna happen. 🙁 So much for my blogger convention.
I’m on vacation starting Saturday. I was gonna fly home but instead I got a last minute deal on airfare so I’m off to Chicago to visit another friend.
Details as they come in….