Author: Moby

The Light Goes On

It is times like this I wish I had a better grasp on the finer points of the English language. With my last rant on sexual addiction, I inadvertently implied that my buddy Steve’s post (Bent collective) was about me. That wasn’t it at all

Steve’s post clearly goes into the use of the term “sexual addiction” as a sort of cop-out of personal responsibility or as an excuse for bad judgement/behavior. My rant, on the otherhand, was a whole different discussion on sexual addiction in itself. My reference to him was only meant too show how I got on the topic in the first place. It wasn’t meant to imply I was offended by his post. Nor was it meant to imply that I am guilty of the behavior he describes.

Steve – my friend, rest easy. I am guilty of “foot in mouth” not you. My respect (and lust) for you remain strong as ever.

If you are confused as hell. Start from the beginning.
Steve’s original post here.
My rant here
His response to my screw up here

You Wanna Put That Where?..

I’m home from a long day of work. I’m cranky and my larynx is sore from instructing along w/my normal work schedule. I’m all itchy for a fight when I discover Bent Collective’s rant on “sexual addiction”. He has become one of my favorite reads and I hope he doesn’t think less of me after my rant tonight. That said, I made a promise to myself to be honest on my blog. Course, nothing like sex talk to shake me out of a mood. Rather than tie up his blog w/my madness, I opted to post it here. It would probably help if you jump over and read his post first for a frame of reference.

[insert jeopardy music here]

Back already? Ok.

I’ve often wondered if I am a sex addict. I don’t fit most of the definitions of what it is to be a “sexual addict”. But that only serves to complicate the issue (for me).

For a long time, I applied monogamy for all the wrong reasons. Quite simply, I wanted control. My self worth was lacking and I was hounded by the irrational fear of being abandoned for the bbd (bigger better deal.) I think a large percentage of gay men have this same issue. As I’ve matured, I shed my morals on monogamy along w/my insecurities. I still believe it is possible for two men to be monogamous, just not probable. Is it possible for me to have a monogamous relationship? I can’t really answer that. The truth is I don’t know. These boundries are not etched in stone w/me so I think it’s flexible.

In several of my monogamous relationships, it was very hard not to cheat. Especially with partners who had much lower sex drives than myself. However, I did it. In one particular relationship, it was very hard as my partner travelled a lot. I was often home alone and always horny. I didn’t cheat only to discover later he did and often. Obviously, I have the will power to say no. (Why am I flashing anti-drug campaigns w/all sorts of funny twists right now?)

In my last relationship, we were open and it worked great for me. I found my partners playtime w/o me erotic and greatly stimulating. It often made for some really great sex between us. However, he seemed to have trouble dealing w/it and often hid things from me. The deceit did bother me and when I tried to work thru it, he would twist the argument into me being jealous. I still really don’t understand that one. And he often had trouble w/my playtime away even though he’d never admit it.

So now I’m left examining my carnal side. I find no shame in sex. I crave it almost constantly. The more I get the more I want. I openly find outlets for my desires on a weekly basis. I often visit blowbuddies (look it up if you don’t know) here in the city along w/the occasional online hookup. (when I have the patience) Add to that, living in SF you practically have to be dead not to get laid. Being reasonably attractive and hung doesn’t hurt either. (Ok, I’m bragging.) There is no shame in it for me. I don’t cloak it terms of “dating” either. A habit that so many fags tend to do. Fucking someone and dating are two entirely separate beasts. Having a powerfully strong oral fetish, I feel almost driven at times to find “it”. I’ve had more sex in 10 years than most people have in a life time. (Not bragging here just making a point.) That said, it doesn’t interfere w/my work or social life. And, I don’t avoid other aspects of my life just to get sex. Yet, it does play a large part in my life. As I age, it doesn’t seem to change one way or the other.

I’m quite sure part my drive stems from abandonment issues carried over from childhood. No doubt about it. (Remember way back when I said we would save this conversation and crack it open later? Well, consider it cracked!) I was neglected and almost never touched as a child after the age of 5. And when I was touched, it was usually at the end of a belt, board, or any object my stepmother had handy. Am I substituting love for sex? It’s possible. But is that the only reason? I don’t think so but I’m not entirely sure.

After it’s all said and done, I’m still left asking myself. . . Am I a sex addict?

Dunno.

Monday Blues

It’s my Monday. I didn’t sleep well last night. Naturally, I’m a cranky bitch today. Plus, I have to squeeze in the class I was due to teach yesterday. I’m sure come EOW (end of watch), I’m gonna be really pleasant to be around.

Drama – 2o1

I was all set to blog about the last few days but like an unwanted sore, drama has reared it’s ugly head once again. I’m amazed at how quickly a good mood can be ruined. So ruined that I had to cancel a class I was instructing today. I was simply too angry to teach.

I’ve disabled the comments for this post.
I don’t want advice on what to do, I know what must be done.
I don’t want empathy, it will only make the pain I feel worse.
I don’t want inquiring questions, the dirty details don’t add to the point.

What I will say is a close friend violated our friendship today. In such a way, I’ve lost all respect for him. And I’m asking myself, what is the point of a friendship w/o respect? He will no doubt read this post as he reads my blog religiously. It will be met w/denial, regret and then hostility when nothing else works. I can’t say as I care anymore. I’ve reached the end of my tether.

I was put in a very awkward situation today of having to lie. It wasn’t a big lie nor was it to save a life or keep someone out of jail. No, I lied to avoid becoming involved in a problem that I should never have been privy to. As soon as it was over, I was ashamed of myself for the lie and angry at how it was so connivingly foisted upon me. It has been quite some time since I’ve known shame. And five years ago, I probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelash over it. But I am not the same person I was five years ago.

It really comes down to this, I can no longer shoulder the responsibility of a friendship w/someone who lives his life like a carefree teenager still living at home. One who takes no personal responsibilty for his actions and routinely absolves himself of any guilt. I’ll be 35 years old next month. I have grown beyond the need for friends who still act like adolescents. My mentoring, advice, and constructive criticism are all ignored. Or more correctly, often acknowledged and then promptly forgotten. So I’m left asking myself what is the point?

If you know me, you know my anger is usually swift, to the point and once I’ve said my peace, I’m over it. I don’t ‘stew in it’. I’m also very forgiving when someone shows honest remorse. But, there comes a point when you have to say enough is enough. And when is it enough? After the 2nd time? How about the 5th or 6th time? No, this time, I want to continue being angry. I want my anger to stay w/me lest I forget and forgive once again. And I know once I do forgive, given some time, I’ll be right back where I started all over again. Frankly, I’m tired of going thru this. I’m tired of having the same conversations over and over and over again.

To Link or Not To Link

I’m on a roll today I guess. After getting a snotty email on why I never linked to someone, I thought I’d post this page as an educational announcement.

I’m not going to list the blogger or the email as that wouldn’t really serve a purpose. However, I no longer try to reason why such things happen as I can only control myself. If you read my blog w/any regularity you know I’m usually pretty blunt. Today is no exception.

There seems to be a lot of confusion on what is considered good blog etiquette. To take the confusion out of it. I’ve taken some time to jot down a few things I think might help.

  • 1. First and always, I blog for me. I also link for me. I link for a variety of reasons known only to myself. When I do link to someone, I do not expect a link in return. However, I am always flattered when I discover blogs linking to me. Anyone is welcome to link to me if they so wish. You do not need my permission.

  • 2. If you link to someone expecting to get a link back, you are probably in for some disappointments. Not everyone blogs for the same reason. Expecting someone to magically know you want a link back is unrealistic. If you take the time to comment (more than once) on someone’s blog, sometimes that is enough. Sometimes it isn’t.

  • 3. If someone not linking back to you is really that upsetting, you should probably turn off the computer and seek therapy. I’m not being derogatory, just honest. Worrying about things you can’t control only serves to make you miserable.

  • 4. Commenting on my blog is encouraged and welcomed. Whether you agree or disagree is not important. My only ground rule is that even if you disagree, be respectful about it. You can vehemently disagree w/someone w/o being ugly, mean-spirited, or flat out hateful. I rarely delete comments as I like to get perspective on my madness. The internet is a powerful medium for communication. However, direct attacts or anything that falls into the above mentioned no-no’s gets deleted w/o a second thought. After all, it is my blog.

  • 5. Very few people speak perfect English. Correcting someone’s grammatical mistakes via a post is usually offensive, IMHO. I often write in improper Enlgish on purpose. Being from the South, I also use a lot of colloquialism. I try to include this in my writing as it gives inflection that you would normally get from my voice. By doing so, you get a much clearer picture of who I am.

That’s pretty much it folks. I might not be the “norm” when it comes to bloggers but I try to fall back on two axioms that seem to serve me best.

1. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Hence when you are ugly, I’m ugly right back usually.
2. Don’t make assumptions. Ask, if you have a question or unsure of what to do.

I also created this post as a page link in my “Useful Bits” section here as a helpful guide for any future readers/bloggers who stumble over me.

Target Responds…

**This is a long one today folks. If you don’t care to hear it, skip on down. **

So I finally got a response from Target today. (I ranted about Target allowing pharmacist’s to refuse filling prescriptions if it conflicted w/their “religious beliefs”.) While I still don’t quite agree w/their approach, I am heartened to know there are some limitations to this so called allowance. Here is the email I got to today in it’s entirety.

Dear Target Guest

In our ongoing effort to provide great service to our guests, Target consistently ensures that prescriptions for the emergency contraceptive Plan B are filled. As an Equal Opportunity Employer, Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 also requires us to accommodate our team members’ sincerely held religious beliefs.

In the rare event that a pharmacist’s beliefs conflict with filling a guest’s prescription for the emergency contraceptive Plan B, our policy requires our pharmacists to take responsibility for ensuring that the guest’s prescription is filled in a timely and respectful manner, either by another Target pharmacist or a different pharmacy.

The emergency contraceptive Plan B is the only medication for which this policy applies.
Under no circumstances can the pharmacist prevent the prescription from being filled, make discourteous or judgmental remarks, or discuss his or her religious beliefs with the guest.

Target abides by all state and local laws and, in the event that other laws conflict with our policy, we follow the law.

We’re surprised and disappointed by Planned Parenthood’s negative campaign. We’ve been talking with Planned Parenthood to clarify our policy and reinforce our commitment to ensuring that our guests’ prescriptions for the emergency contraceptive Plan B are filled. Our policy is similar to that of many other retailers and follows the recommendations of the American Pharmacists Association. That’s why it’s unclear why Target is being singled out.

We’re committed to meeting the needs of our female guests and will continue to deliver upon that commitment.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Hanson
Target Executive Offices

I always like to get both sides to a story before I go off on a rampage. It is disappointing to see they do in fact allow it to happen. They try to make nicey nicey w/the part about making sure the prescription gets filled by someone. Well, it just ain’t right in my book. Supposedly, it only applies to contraceptives of a certain type but I have a sneaky suspicion in rural areas this rule takes on a whole new meaning.

I rarely get to Target (tar-zshay) anymore as we don’t have one here in SF. However, I often buy things from their website. I can’t say if that will continue knowing that they allow such despicable behavior. Even if it is only having to due w/contraceptives.

What’s In Your Wallet? / Tidbits

There is no better feeling than being able to pay off a credit card. I did that today. Two in fact. It’s been a financial struggle since the breakup a year ago. My debt is still higher than when we met but now at a much more manageable level. The cards in question were two of my higher interest cards that were just killing me. Three to go! Plus the revolving credit lines, the department store cards… Wait, what was I happy about?

I’ve had to put the motorcycle purchase on hold. I was hoping to be caught up enough by Christmas to swing it but it ain’t gonna happen. As much as I want it, it’s just not in the cards just yet. Plus, I think I mentioned I’m planning on moving again. A friend is buying a condo and wants a roommate. This arrangement suits me as I get to save money. Say it w/me. “Saving money is good!”

Switching gears, I got a nice card/pic from Tim today. He made me lunch one day before the vacation. While we were hanging out, he was showing off his Halloween costume. In the process, he made me wear this ridiculous looking hat w/hippie hair on it. Having forgot my own camera, he snapped of a pic of it. I have to admit, it’s funny. So the card includes a mini 2006 calendar w/the hippie pic square in the middle. HIGH-larious! Thank you Tim. (I’ll try to scan and post later)

In other exciting news, I finally went to the doc today and got some drugs for my sore throat. Knowing me as well as he does, he wanted to know if it could be something sexually related. I guess it’s possible but haven’t had that many shinanigans lately. (If only!) Scouts honor, I swear! (like the scouts have any honor left but that’s a nut to crack later.) Back on the subject, I ran into my friend mentioned above at the docs office. I thought he was stalling on the whole buying a condo thing but looks like he is right on tract. I really don’t wanna move over xmas (again) but the faster I get into a cheaper place the better.

On the family front, looks like our new found bond is quickly going down the shitter. My oldest brother has mysteriously decided to move to Mississipi. And my youngest brother has split w/his wife. They still work together which makes for some intersting drama I bet. Add to that, my siblings have yet to purchase the headstone for Dad’s grave. I’m not at all surprised though. I have a sneaky suspicion I’ll end up paying for it. I don’t mind the cost. I just wish for once my siblings could get their shit together and keep it that way. That’s probably asking too much but one can dream right? Actually, my younger brother and I have been communicating via text messages and emails. This normally wouldn’t be news but he isn’t exactly computer savy. You talking about a clan that didn’t have a phone until the mid 80’s. For all my bitchin, I’m glad he finally made the jump into the millenium. It’s nice to chat more than once a month.

I’m getting hungry (that’s code for cranky) so more later.

Big Mouth

I was a bit irritable during class last week. (Had a light case of pharyngitis it seems) I actually let my temper get the best of me regarding a classmate. I normally ignore it as I like to focus on my education vs the shortcomings seen in others. I think part of the problem is I’m sorta disappointed w/my class as a whole. I’ve invested alot of myself into my training. For me, its not just some class I’m taking. I’m working towards a goal to better myself. It has sorta been a shock that not everyone else sees it that way. Our class dwindled over the past few months. Even a few people I thought were in it for the long haul are gone. If nothing else, I paid good money for this class. The least I can do is make an effort to pass.

So back to the story. This particular guy is nice enough. He just has a habit of trying to know the right answer w/o really knowing it. Now don’t get me wrong, I can be a know-it-all at times (shut up Bobby!). I tend to be very confident and act as such until proven otherwise. This character on the otherhand just sorta makes it up. He criticizes everyone else yet, he rarely participates in practicals. He lurks in the background letting everyone else do the work. This past week, as usual, he didn’t really participate but offers up his heart felt opinion on the errors of my skill set. I leaned over to the instructor (who I also work with) and said “isn’t it nice to have two instructors in the class? Too bad the second one is usually wrong.” I also made some offhand comments to several of my classmates. (They were in agreement but that’s besides the point.)

I emailed the instructor and apologized. He said he didn’t really think I was out-of-line and that my comments were justified. He actually had a conversation after class w/said person. I really respect my instructor so I’m glad to hear he doesn’t think I’m a total ass.

Whew! It’s Hot In Here

Oh I almost forgot! I’m getting a giggle out of the latest scandal floating thru the local fag rags. The city is just a buzz over it! Apparently, the Gold’s gym on Market St. decided to close their steam room permanently for “inappropriate behavior”. How is that for comedy? A steam room in a gay gym in the heart of the Castro w/”inappropriate behavior”! Who’d a thunk it? The BAR even did a story on it. I mention it only because I happened to be one of the unlucky few walking by while they were conducting the survey. (They practically pounced on me.)

Now having worked out at Gold’s for several years before making the switch to Crunch, I’m well aware of the “goings-on” in the steam room. Frankly, you didn’t go in there unless you were looking for something. Every person who said different was eventually caught in that lie. And I ain’t buying the excuse, “oh I just like to go in for the steam”. Yeah, right. Just because you weren’t doing the blowing doesn’t mean you can absolve yourself of any shinanigans. I’m also aware of several employees indulging in said activities. Add to that, to get caught you had to be so blatantly open and over the top that they HAD to say something.

I am annoyed, however, over everyone jumping on the holier-than-thou bandwagon now. Mind you these are the very same queens usually parked in there for hours at a time looking for trade. Two guys interviewed right after me were just going on and on about how bad it was. And they were some of the worse offenders! Spare me your indignation gurls, I know better. I’m not saying it is ok for such behavior to go on unchecked. But to ignore the behavior for god knows how many years and then suddenly cry foul is pathetic. And don’t even get me started on that two faced queen that manages the place. I’m digressing again….What bothers me is how often this same story plays itself out. One of our dirty little secrets gets out in the open and we all feign indignation over it. No thank you, I’m all stocked up on bullshit here.

The reality is the management overreacted to a threat someone made to notify the Health Dept. For years, they’ve turned a blind eye and now they are shitting bricks that it may bite them in the ass.

Just thought you’d like to know…

Just Where Have You Been Mister!?

Busy Busy Week! Things are finally slowing down. (That and I’ve already beaten the new Ratchet & Clank game once) I had my ride along this past Monday and it was great! An incredible learning experience. I am so hooked! The only downer, we had a paramedic intern as well so I didn’t get to do as much hands-on as I had hoped. Even still, it was great. The medic and EMT I rode with were both really cool and made sure I understood everything. I can’t give specifics obviously but, we had two cardiac patients, two falls, a couple of “man down” calls (usually homeless people sleeping on the street), and a MVA (motor vehicle accident). Sadly, nothing serious. No blood and guts the whole day. It did wear on me though. Twelve hours in the back of the ambulance took its toll. I was pooped by the end of the watch.

Speaking of medics, I’m sitting at the Cove in the Castro and an engine and medic just drove up for a “man down” call. Two of the guys I know. Of which, one is very attractive but very straight. I’m digressing…Having a large homeless population we get lots of calls of this type. Usually no merit due to guys sleeping or drunks wanting a ride to the hospital. Today turned out to be the latter.

Tuesday was class, lecture and practicals as usual. Finals are fast approaching. I’m so excited I can’t wait. I just hope I can find a part time gig as a EMT. (I can’t live on what an EMT makes so has to be part time while I continue to my regular job.) I’ll be super busy but that’s ok because I’ll use it as an excuse to pay off a chunk of my remaining debt. I might be able to flex my schedule at work too. I haven’t asked yet.

Monday, the day of my ride-along, was also Bobbeisha’s birf day. I decided to take him out for some belated shopping and a nice b’day dinner at 2223 Market. I had planned to take pics but I forgot the camera.