Author: Moby

Mirror Mirror

I couldn’t think of of a catchier title, cut me some slack. And I’m feeling a bit long-winded so grab a cup a joe.

Events as of late seem to be conspiring to make me take an outside view of myself. Let me preface with this statement. I’ve been kinda popular in the past two weeks. Guys have been crawling out of the woodwork. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m liking it. The point is these events have forced me to re-examine my self-image.

Encounter 1 involved a guy I’ve seen around town for years. Continue reading Mirror Mirror

Old Journals – 1.1.97

Everyone was so supportive, I thought I’d go for it. Over the coming month, I’ll probably post from several old journals. They are very scattered as I hadn’t really developed the skill for it nor the habit of writing consistently. However, that’s not really the point.

This one was taken from an old journal entry back in 1997. It was my first real forray into writing down my thoughts. A relationship that I never should have been in had just ended and I was alone, lonely, and miserable. A relationship that I’d moved across three states for,Houston to Boulder. I’d heard about journaling as a form of therapy and thought it might be helpful for me. It is unedited for grammar or content.*


*While writing this entry, I was sitting on a giant boulder overlooking a creek inside a canyan between the Flatirons in Boulder, CO. It was one of my favorite places to go and relax. It was called Dream Canyan.*

1.1.97
This is a journal I have always wanted to start but never have. It’s the first day of the new year. Pat has left for Atlanta & I am still here in Boulder, CO. I really don’t know why I have stayed but, here I am. I really like my job & I guess I ‘m afraid if I leave I wont’ be able to find another job like this one. I am making more now than I ever have before however, it is very expensive to live here. I am barely scraping by. I am thinking of moving to Denver w/Daniel. As roommates go, he is not bad. A slob but not bad. I would, at least, be able to become a part of the gay scene there. Boulder has no scene at all. Something has to change soon. I have given up alot for love on different occasiona & I just am not willing to do it again. I want to focus on my own life & hopefully get it together. I have started working out again. I would like to get my ass in shape. At least, to tone up and be firm. Not to please others but to please myself.
Continue reading Old Journals – 1.1.97

Looking Back

I’m considering publishing some of my old written journals on the blog.

I found one of my old written journals from about 1o years ago the other day while unpacking some boxes. It was around this time I realized my childhood insecurities were crippling me as an adult. To say I was dysfunctional is putting it mildy. I was a mess! Oddly enough, most of my entries were optimistic. Often yearning for a better life, somtimes realistic, sometimes very UNrealistic. I kept waiting for something or more astutely someone to happen to me. I hadn’t yet contemplated the term of self-acceptance. My self-esteem and self-image were so low as to be non-existent. I was very skinny in a muscle bound world of gay men. Skinny w/a big butt. (Well, I thought it was big but, in hindsight, it wasn’t so big.) Throw in a heavy dose of low self-worth courtesy of my stepmother and you have a recipe for the classic dysfunctional adult. Not surprisingly, I lived at the whim of my emotions and desires.

I must admit, I’m a bit apprehensive. It was a time in my life when morals were foreign to me. I did things I’m not proud of. I was self-centered and selfish w/o even realizing it. Course, it’s hard to be moral and self-righteous when you aren’t sure where you next meal is coming from.

If I am to put my money where my mouth is, I should do it. Maybe my mistakes can help someone else.

RSS Feed

I blogged a while back about adding a function to allow people to register for updates to the blog.

Instead of adding another plug-in, I decided to correct the error w/my RSS feed. I intentionally altered the link out of fear sp@m engines would use it. However, I’ve heard very little fallout over such tactics so I corrected it.

If you ever wanted to get the blog via RSS, the link is functional again. (bottom right of the sidebar)

Tic Toc…

In random tidbits, I’ve been sitting around all morning waiting for Safeway to show up. (I get my groceries delivered.) They finally got here w/15 minutes to spare. I was hoping they’d show up early so I could squeeze some gym time in. Guess not.

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The BCC contest last night only had one contestant but he was a hottie. I don’t know why but late February is very slow every year. Odd. Last year, we didn’t have any contestants on this particular week. This year, even though we only had one contestant, there was a large turnout of people. And he raised $300 in raffle tickets all by himself. Pretty good for a Thursday night. And, we got three more contestants for next week!

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In the blogging world, Beyond Buffalo is in town and hasn’t called me once! Bitch better call me or I’m taking you off my blogroll. *eg* (We are supposed to hang out.) I’m also a bit sad. I have to wait another 6 months before I get to meet Steve from Bent Collective. He’s been promising me a date when he gets back to the Bay area. Course, he has to come back for that to happen! (I’m just giving him grief. He has to come back someday…I think?) He took a 6 month assignment in Uzbekistan (look it up) doing what he does best. I don’t envy going to such a dangerous place but if you read Steve, you understand.

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I’m wearing so many hats at work right now, I feel like a drag queen. Union, tech, dispatcher, instructor, training coordinator, blah blah blah….. I like it though. A lot of changes coming in the year and hopefully all good. I’ve got two more ride-alongs scheduled which I’m very happy about. I talked to the chief of our division and she is very supportive of my efforts. That makes a big difference.

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I had a surprising encounter w/a guy from Denver this week. We all make assumptions about people before we meet’em. I’m no exception. The guy turned out to be so much more than what I assumed. So much so, I invited him to sleep over. He did! All in all, it was a very nice encounter.

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Speaking of encounters, I’ll probably sneak off and be slutty tonight. I’ve been a very good boy lately. I think I deserve a reward.

Schedule

I get a lot emails asking about having my schedule online. Specifically, how open I am about it. My usual reply is my life isn’t so exciting I can’t allow outside observance. If anything, you get to see just how monotonous my life is at times.

For inquiring minds, I post it this way out of necessity. Being completely absent-minded at times, it makes for a much more punctual Moby. *g* Using my pda/phone, I can log in anytime from anywhere I get a cell connection to check my schedule if need be.

So there you have it. Not so glamorous huh?

Code 3

I’m doing a ride along again today (it’s after midnight while I’m writing this). Twelve hours bouncing around in a tin box w/some of the needest citizens in the city. Drunks, junkies, crabby old ladies, and the occasional victim of circumstance.

Ah, I love this job!

Apparently, someone at HQ screwed up and scheduled two fo us for the same day. Since, I was lower in senority, I got booted. Oh well, shit happens. I might do one tomorrow but it’s iffy right now. So now I have all this free time on my hands. What to do…what to do?….hmmmmmm

Oh and happy VD guys.

Mini Guns

I had a good arm workout today and having nothing to rant about for a change, I thougt I’d post some shots of my “minis” as I like to call them. My biceps.

Likes?

My Mini's

It could be worse. I could have posted some long winded rant about stupid ass Cheney shooting one of his buddy’s in the face. Ney, too many other more profound bloggers are beating that horse for me.

My Mini's

God, I need some sunshine. . . oh well, at least you know, what you see is what you get.

Drama Defined

Awhile back someone asked me to give my definition of drama. Webster’s dictionary gives one definition as “a situation or succession of events in real life having the dramatic impression or emotional effect characteristic of a play.”

I’d agree w/that however, I’d amend to include “any situation or problem thru action or inaction usually avoided w/a small amount personal reflection beforehand…”.

I think into everyone’s life some drama must fall. Otherwise, what’s the point of living. You learn nothing from a carefree existence. That said, having grown up in a drama-intense environment, I’ve learned while some cannot be avoided, most CAN. I find in most situations the drama is usually self-inflicted from a variety of causes. That is a rant for another day.

I bring it up today as I got a call this week from my best friend, Trev, back in TX. Apparently, my ex friend from here was back home and cornered Trev at the park. He then proceeded to tell Trev how horrible a person I am, how all I’ve ever done is hold him back, and how I constantly try to keep him beneath me. Ironically, my ex friend has always hated Trev as he felt threatened by his friendship w/me. Was he thinking Trev would suddenly say “you know, even though you’ve always been jealous and despised me, I think you’re right. I’m gonna dump Moby as a friend“? I’m sure you can guess that didn’t happen. However, Trev did call me to ask why he felt the need to share it w/him in the first place.

My first thought was to send my ex-friend an email but I’m reminded of my definition of drama. Knowing him as well as I do, his actions are a blatant attempt to strike back at me and to get me to respond to him. By doing so, I’m quite sure I’d be inviting more drama into my life once again. Of which, I don’t really need. Nor do I need to flesh out a problem he isn’t even capable of understanding.

So that’s my definition of drama. I reserve the right to append or amend at any time in the future as wisdom dictates. *g*

Morals? Send Out A Search Party

Busy Busy Busy! Oy!

Got quite a few small tasks out of the way over my weekend. Don’t ya hate it when you get so many little tasks that it ends up taking the whole day to take care of’em? blech.

I also had a nice email conversation w/a fellow blogger this morning. That in itself is not newsworthy. I mention it because he said something that totally took me by surprise. He told me he thought I was an incredibly moral person. I was shocked at first because I don’t really see myself that way. Just the opposite in alot of ways actually. Having beat the term itself to death in a previous rant, I see no need to go over that again. But, having never been given a firm moral structure from my parents, I’ve had to seek out my own in life. A task that has been a bit daunting at times. And please don’t confuse my morality w/perfection. I happen to like some of my flaws and have no plans to change’em.

If you read my nonsense w/any regularity, you know that I often ramble about my growing pangs. I guess sometimes it takes an outside perspective to make you see something right in front of your face. I do have morals. And while they may not conform to currently accepted social norm, they serve me well. I call on them every day in one form or another.

Whodda thunk it? Me, moral. Gosh! It boggles the mind.